How secretive were you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: nj
Posts: 470
How secretive were you?
I always drank alone. Part of me was always ashamed of my drinking as I knew it was a problem that I didn’t want to face. I never spoke about my drinking to anyone, not even my husband. I don’t know how important that is or isn’t. I’m am a week sober...went through withdrawal alone...just told the family I didn’t feel well.
Wondering about the rest of you?
I am a good cook and when in the kitchen, I always had a bottle in the cabinet under the sink and my half full glass was kept behind the coffee maker on the counter.
I’d also have wine or vodka in a thermos in case I felt like
I needed it wherever I would go.
I’d save up my empty bottle and put them in the recycle bin covered with household bottles, soda cans, ect.
Before going out where there would be alcohol, I’d have a few before leaving so that my couple of drinks at someone’s house would appear to be just that.
Wondering about the rest of you?
I am a good cook and when in the kitchen, I always had a bottle in the cabinet under the sink and my half full glass was kept behind the coffee maker on the counter.
I’d also have wine or vodka in a thermos in case I felt like
I needed it wherever I would go.
I’d save up my empty bottle and put them in the recycle bin covered with household bottles, soda cans, ect.
Before going out where there would be alcohol, I’d have a few before leaving so that my couple of drinks at someone’s house would appear to be just that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
I had a very long drinking career. When I was young, I didn't care who knew I was drinking. I drank in bars and clubs a lot, but at home too.
As I drank myself into alcoholism I became more secretive.
I lived alone and drank alone. I would actually put empties in different dumpsters so the trash man wouldn't know I was a drunk.
I would rotate between the two liquor stores in my neighborhood so the clerks wouldn't know I was a drunk.
But when I started drinking at eight in the morning, I think they knew by then.
It was pretty pathetic.
In the end all my bartenders and liquor store guys knew I was a drunk.
I could go on, but I think you get the gist.
Sad but true. But the one person I didn't want to know was myself.
I finally had no choice but to face my addiction, by then, and take action to stop.
It's been over nine and a half years since my last drink. And reflecting on it, in the end, I was fooling no one. No use hiding it. Everyone knew.
Thought I was being pretty crafty for awhile there.
As I drank myself into alcoholism I became more secretive.
I lived alone and drank alone. I would actually put empties in different dumpsters so the trash man wouldn't know I was a drunk.
I would rotate between the two liquor stores in my neighborhood so the clerks wouldn't know I was a drunk.
But when I started drinking at eight in the morning, I think they knew by then.
It was pretty pathetic.
In the end all my bartenders and liquor store guys knew I was a drunk.
I could go on, but I think you get the gist.
Sad but true. But the one person I didn't want to know was myself.
I finally had no choice but to face my addiction, by then, and take action to stop.
It's been over nine and a half years since my last drink. And reflecting on it, in the end, I was fooling no one. No use hiding it. Everyone knew.
Thought I was being pretty crafty for awhile there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: usa
Posts: 274
Originally Posted by matrac 
I always drank alone. Part of me was always ashamed of my drinking as I knew it was a problem that I didn’t want to face. I never spoke about my drinking to anyone, not even my husband. I don’t know how important that is or isn’t. I’m am a week sober...went through withdrawal alone...just told the family I didn’t feel well.
Wondering about the rest of you?
I am a good cook and when in the kitchen, I always had a bottle in the cabinet under the sink and my half full glass was kept behind the coffee maker on the counter.
I’d also have wine or vodka in a thermos in case I felt like
I needed it wherever I would go.
I’d save up my empty bottle and put them in the recycle bin covered with household bottles, soda cans, ect.
Before going out where there would be alcohol, I’d have a few before leaving so that my couple of drinks at someone’s house would appear to be just that.
Wondering about the rest of you?
I am a good cook and when in the kitchen, I always had a bottle in the cabinet under the sink and my half full glass was kept behind the coffee maker on the counter.
I’d also have wine or vodka in a thermos in case I felt like
I needed it wherever I would go.
I’d save up my empty bottle and put them in the recycle bin covered with household bottles, soda cans, ect.
Before going out where there would be alcohol, I’d have a few before leaving so that my couple of drinks at someone’s house would appear to be just that.
Glad I don’t have to worry about that today . 3 weeks sober 🙏
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 293
I hid my drinks as well. Also many times behind the coffee maker. The problem was I would often forget where I hid my glasses of whiskey and coke and I would just make another one. How embarrassing when my husband and I were cleaning up shelves in our laundry room and there was one of my forgotten half finished glasses. He just stared at it and then stared at me and didn't say anything. This happened many times. Looking back I can't believe how much time I spent in blackoutville.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I hid it when my one daughter lived at home cause I knew she didn't like my drinking. (understatement) I made a little secret place that held four wine bottles. 
After I'd stopped drinking, I showed her my old hiding place. She said she never would have thought to look there. I was so clever...
After I'd stopped drinking, I showed her my old hiding place. She said she never would have thought to look there. I was so clever... Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
very very secretive and ashamed.
made it a bit awkward with a couple of colks when later i got sober and they had never known i drank.
might have been easier to ask for help or support if i hadn't hid everything so well.
made it a bit awkward with a couple of colks when later i got sober and they had never known i drank.
might have been easier to ask for help or support if i hadn't hid everything so well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: nj
Posts: 470
Thanks so much for your responses. They sound so familiar. I too rotated liquor stores and looked for public dumpsters. I imagine that the secretiveness is an indicator that drinking has become a problem.
I am feeling much better a week into sobriety and I also notice that my family is more responsive to me. Perhaps I’m more attentive. Looking forward to more Sunday dinners.
Best wishes and congratulations to all of you.
I am feeling much better a week into sobriety and I also notice that my family is more responsive to me. Perhaps I’m more attentive. Looking forward to more Sunday dinners.
Best wishes and congratulations to all of you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 304
Always thought I was one step in front but usually got found out.......husband found half a glass of wine hidden in the dry dog dog food bag. I had forgotten I put it there in blackout.
Husband found half bottle of wine in kitchen bin under the rubbish. I hid it there so that while cooking I could hike it out and neck some....disgusting. I forgot it again in blackout.
Daughter found empty bottle stuffed behind sofa bed in her tv room. I remember putting it there but forgot to throw it out later.
Whenever I bought a new handbag it had to be big enough to hide at least one wine bottle in.
Taking empties to local recycling and joking with random strangers that I had a family gathering over the weekend when in fact they were all mine.
My list goes on and on.
I hate myself for all of it.
C
Husband found half bottle of wine in kitchen bin under the rubbish. I hid it there so that while cooking I could hike it out and neck some....disgusting. I forgot it again in blackout.
Daughter found empty bottle stuffed behind sofa bed in her tv room. I remember putting it there but forgot to throw it out later.
Whenever I bought a new handbag it had to be big enough to hide at least one wine bottle in.
Taking empties to local recycling and joking with random strangers that I had a family gathering over the weekend when in fact they were all mine.
My list goes on and on.
I hate myself for all of it.
C
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,382
The part where I'd sit alone in my house drinking beer every night was secret. The part where I was going to the grocery/convenience store every day to buy a case of beer, often walking it back home thru my neighborhood, that part might have been noticed.
Semi-Professional Philosopher
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Rural PA
Posts: 1,021
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
A lot less secretive than I thought, come to find out. Our addiction would of course have us think that we were doing a great job of hiding it, but people know.
It was pretty pathetic.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: Washington
Posts: 73
Oh yes. I often bought two or more of the exact same six pack and then I'd only put one in the fridge and replace them as I went so I could drink all I wanted and it only looked like a couple beers were gone. Almost always had a fifth of Jack hidden in the toolchest in the garage. I also did the secret disposal of empties -- shoving stuff way down in the recycle bin.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Yeah I think I'm similar to most of us - the fact is I wanted to drink more, much more, than is (or should be) acceptable by friends and family and society at large so I hid and then hid more and eventually the majority of my drinking was done by deceit and lies.
What immense psychic damage we do to our selves and our souls with the hiding and lies! Not to mention the relationships with others that are ruined or stained or strained - from loved ones to professionally - everyone is effected.
I second Scott's point - in the end, nothing is hidden. Sigh. Hard to reflect upon at times, but here's to never being that way again. It's in all of us to do so.
What immense psychic damage we do to our selves and our souls with the hiding and lies! Not to mention the relationships with others that are ruined or stained or strained - from loved ones to professionally - everyone is effected.
I second Scott's point - in the end, nothing is hidden. Sigh. Hard to reflect upon at times, but here's to never being that way again. It's in all of us to do so.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Hi Matrac,
Such a relevant topic! I would like to start my contribution with a quote I heard in rehab that probably many of us have heard: We are only as sick as our secrets. I find this pretty relevant as I think about the crazy things I was willing to endure in order to hide my drinking and/or preserve the ability to continue drinking when around people who knew about my problem.
So much of what everyone says sounds familiar to me... hiding bottles in various strategic places, rotating liquor stores, alternating dumpsters/garbage cans, putting booze in random bottles and sometimes cups if I knew I was about to get caught and didn't have time to hide an entire bottle. In retrospect, I truly cannot believe how long it took for me to internalize the fact that I had a very serious problem.
A few sad things happened that really woke me up. In a drunken haze one night, I knew my boyfriend and I had agreed to clean the entire apartment the following day before his parents came to stay with us. He knew about my problem but thought I had stopped. I had promised myself to scan the place for empties/half-empties before we began cleaning, but unfortunately stumbled upon a nearly full bottle of vodka and, after probably 10 minutes of mental wrestling, couldn't stop myself from having a screwdriver. That quickly turned into shots which turned into drunk. I managed to get rid of the empty bottles, but decided to save some for later in a glass jar we occasionally (but rarely) used for water. I put it in the back of the fridge, certain that my boyfriend wouldn't even notice it. I managed to get myself together enough to have a relatively normal night, ready for tomorrow's cleaning, which went just fine.
Fast forward to a few days later when boyfriend's parents arrive, one of whom has been ill with cancer but is relatively stable. We're having a nice time, until... the unthinkable happens. I'm in the kitchen cooking, and his mother comes in to pour herself and her husband a glass of water. I don't notice until it's too late that she has poured from the jar in the fridge, and obviously hasn't immediately noticed the smell of vodka because of all the spicy cooking I'm doing. They both sit down at the kitchen table and take a nice big sip of -- NOOO!!!!!! -- VODKA.
They spit it out in shock, both coughing up a storm. My boyfriend notices from the other room and is instantly furious but manages to apologize by saying that it was our friend's homemade vodka he gave us, and we had forgotten to label it. In private, he was absolutely beyond irate with me, obviously. I was overcome with shame. I think it was over a week before he could even speak to me normally; he'd been forced to lie to his parents to cover for me, which was very unlike him.
I remember that day thinking about how much my drinking had impacted everyone in my life... so glad to be free of that web of lies.
Such a relevant topic! I would like to start my contribution with a quote I heard in rehab that probably many of us have heard: We are only as sick as our secrets. I find this pretty relevant as I think about the crazy things I was willing to endure in order to hide my drinking and/or preserve the ability to continue drinking when around people who knew about my problem.
So much of what everyone says sounds familiar to me... hiding bottles in various strategic places, rotating liquor stores, alternating dumpsters/garbage cans, putting booze in random bottles and sometimes cups if I knew I was about to get caught and didn't have time to hide an entire bottle. In retrospect, I truly cannot believe how long it took for me to internalize the fact that I had a very serious problem.
A few sad things happened that really woke me up. In a drunken haze one night, I knew my boyfriend and I had agreed to clean the entire apartment the following day before his parents came to stay with us. He knew about my problem but thought I had stopped. I had promised myself to scan the place for empties/half-empties before we began cleaning, but unfortunately stumbled upon a nearly full bottle of vodka and, after probably 10 minutes of mental wrestling, couldn't stop myself from having a screwdriver. That quickly turned into shots which turned into drunk. I managed to get rid of the empty bottles, but decided to save some for later in a glass jar we occasionally (but rarely) used for water. I put it in the back of the fridge, certain that my boyfriend wouldn't even notice it. I managed to get myself together enough to have a relatively normal night, ready for tomorrow's cleaning, which went just fine.
Fast forward to a few days later when boyfriend's parents arrive, one of whom has been ill with cancer but is relatively stable. We're having a nice time, until... the unthinkable happens. I'm in the kitchen cooking, and his mother comes in to pour herself and her husband a glass of water. I don't notice until it's too late that she has poured from the jar in the fridge, and obviously hasn't immediately noticed the smell of vodka because of all the spicy cooking I'm doing. They both sit down at the kitchen table and take a nice big sip of -- NOOO!!!!!! -- VODKA.
They spit it out in shock, both coughing up a storm. My boyfriend notices from the other room and is instantly furious but manages to apologize by saying that it was our friend's homemade vodka he gave us, and we had forgotten to label it. In private, he was absolutely beyond irate with me, obviously. I was overcome with shame. I think it was over a week before he could even speak to me normally; he'd been forced to lie to his parents to cover for me, which was very unlike him.
I remember that day thinking about how much my drinking had impacted everyone in my life... so glad to be free of that web of lies.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 185
I was so secretive. I'm astounded, when I think about it. No one I live with knew. I wrote that on a post early on, and someone (understandably, justifyably) replied that they probably did know, because I probably wasn't as good at keeping the secret as I thought... but... ummmmmmmmno. My husband never knew. I was putting away 10+ shots of vodka an evening, probably more on weekends. I napped or went to bed early when I got too smashed, and just blamed it on being tired from my stressful job. I never got too bad until after the kids were in bed, so they never knew.
In the beginning, I'd get pageful when blitzed, but learned to just shut my mouth and say nothing when I sensed myself too drunk.
A couple times I lost control--falling, stumbling--but blamed it on the flu.
I was so secretive... such a liar. SUCH a liar.
On Day #416, I feel my true, honest, hurt, open, loving, lovable self coming back in teeny tiny bits every day... and I'm more astounded than ever how much I kept secret. Mind-Boggling.
In the beginning, I'd get pageful when blitzed, but learned to just shut my mouth and say nothing when I sensed myself too drunk.
A couple times I lost control--falling, stumbling--but blamed it on the flu.
I was so secretive... such a liar. SUCH a liar.
On Day #416, I feel my true, honest, hurt, open, loving, lovable self coming back in teeny tiny bits every day... and I'm more astounded than ever how much I kept secret. Mind-Boggling.
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