Forester

So after a long while sober, little things mounted up, stresses coupled with poor coping mechanisms... and I'm back. Again.

I'm still fully functional, but the warning signs are there... can't wait to open that first drink after work, put off pleasurable activities to drink alone. Bad mojo.

The fear that things could get out of hand is spiraling too. I know what lays down this path.

It's the annual agricultural show this weekend... it's usually a time to drink, for everybody. I did it sober last year and it was terribly boring, I understand why everyone gets drunk there. Wish I didn't have to go this year but I'm committed in so many ways.

Time to cut down the daily drinks and then stop. Going to make a written plan and stick to it.

Anyone here ever used NAC to help?

Any feedback, comments or support would be greatly appreciated. I'm having a really rough time.

Thanks

Forester

eyes99

I just wanted to say hi and that you’re not alone. We’re all working hard on our sobriety.

Are you planning to taper and do you have a good reason for doing so? Or are you just not quite ready to put down the drink?

fini

Forester,
hello again, welcome back.
i do think we are past the stage of warning signs by the time we pick up drinking again.
i also have found that there were so many "i am committed in so many ways" ways i was committed to, and proud of being such a reliable and committed person.

committed to anything except the sobriety-thing, until i actually and actionally (made that up) put that first and foremost and did the stuff it required me to do.

that stuff can be different for each of us, but putting it first is not.

so my suggestion is that you re-evaluate where the sobriety- thing sits, in relation to agricultural fairs, stresses, drinking to cope....and then act accordingly, depending on where your priority really is.

sorry you're in a bad place.

and as you know, lots of support here.

regardless, all useless unless you put an entire "yes!!" into it.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back forester. If your drinking is controlling your day as soon as you get home from work, and you are putting of other things to drink alone that doesn't sound too "functional" to me. Our addiction loves that term "functional alcoholic" though, doesn't it. It is good that you recognized what's happening - and I'd also ask if there's a reason why you can't just quit? Have you had bad withdrawals in the past? Tapering is such a burdensome task and not always effective.

I do not know what NAC references, perhaps you could share more?

Dee74

I'm not sure either to be honest Forester - you don;t sound old enough for this
NAC |

so I'm guessing it's the supplement?

Did you run this by your Dr?

D

Forester

This message has been hard to write, double checking myself for bullcrap and excuses.


I'm scared to just stop. I know how bad it can be. I hope that stopping more gradually will be less painful.

Last time stopping suddenly was very bad psychologically and I was pretty messed up for a long time, I didn't even know it at the time. It took months to come right and my boss expressed afterwards that he was wondering for a while there whether or not he should be keeping me on.

I haven't been drinking for anywhere near as long this time, less than a year, and although there's been a few rocky patches I'm finding it is worsening week on week now. I pulled out of it couple of months ago for almost a week, put now it's sucking me deeper. Wanting to stop is driving me nuts day and night. I'm scared for my health and my general well being, but when I stop drinking it feels like I have nothing left. I know that's an illusion that passes... but that's still what it feels like.

I don't even know if I am ready to stop, just that I am thinking about stopping all the time. It's confusing. Like there's 2 of me.

"Functional alcoholic" for me only means that I am able to meet my critical responsibilities... I know there is much more to a functional human being, I don't think I have been using that as an excuse in my self talk.

I have a full time job, twin 9 year old daughters, a 11 year old special needs son and a wife that suffers from chronic pain and depression. There is literally so much for me to do on a daily basis from long before sunrise till long after sunset. There's an hour in there between 4.30 and 5.30pm where I can stop for a while (if all things are running smoothly). This is when I start drinking, then I continue while doing more stuff that I have to do until about 9, then stop around 10... crash out and then rinse and repeat. It feels like there's no escape. I never get a break. The only time I'm not working or helping others is late at night, then I'm trying to medicate this cycle the hell out of me. Obviously alcohol is not helping. Those of you who remember me from last time being here... yeah, it's still the same. With or without alcohol I feel stuck in a vicious circle.

Yes I know I should make time for myself, etc, etc... if you walked a day in my shoes you could understand how difficult that actually is for me. I literally have no idea what to do anymore.

Hahah... Dee... that particular NAC might be just what I need. Someone to take me out and show me a good time...

I haven't spoken to a doctor about NAC supplement, I don't think there is a local doctor knowledgeable enough about non pharma supplements around me who's opinion I would trust on this. I have read the supplement can help a lot with liver function and works as an anti-oxidant that can also help restore brain function and reset addictive pathways. I have found very limited information about it's affects with alcohol related psychological issues though. I was hoping there was some anecdotes floating around on the topic here.

Thanks so much for hearing me out.

Grymt

I feel for you while there is no-one or nothing that can make you sober except your self. Boozing is a bad habit that can be replaced with good habits by practicing to do so. It will happen in time as a result of patiently, repeatedly, replacing the bad habit with a good one. As a result feelings like fear and underlying stuff will rise up and can be observed and they pass away. In time they reduce in intensity and a clarity comes. No quick fixes but a fix that will stay with you. Cheers.

Dee74

double post

Dee74

If you don't trust your doctor you're going to have to do the due diligence yourself - look at what other meds your on and whether this NAC stuff is suitable for you.

I think if there was a supplement that helped everybody get back to normal sooner we'd all have been on it.

Some of them make lofty claims but deliver very little.

I understand the fear of withdrawal taking its toll and a protracted recovery period - but continuing to drink is counter intuitive to that.

it sounds like you're feeling a little carer burnout too.

I know it's difficult (and I think I suggested this before) but do you think they might be some local agencies that could help you out there even for a few hours a week just to lessen your load, and cut back the stress?

Again drinking is counter intuitive to a care taking role...but you already know that.

The sooner you can extricate yourself from addiction and stay extricated, the better, man.

No one ever says gee I wish I'd drunk a few more years.

D

Gottalife

I guess you are going through what all of us who have recovered had to go through to gain sufficient motivation (read desperation) to do what it takes to recover.

I never had any fear of withdrawals, though I have sat with people going through the d.t.s and it is not fun.

I suffered horribly with realy bad hangovers, as I called them, and it would take me two or three days to get well enough to drink again, though a lot of the time I could drag myself to work when I had a job. Much of what I hear described as withdrawals, I called a hangover. DTs were withdrawals in my view, and there was quite a difference.

What I was afraid of was the unknown. What would it be like living sober? Past experience indicated that it wouldn't be too good. What if that was true again? What if I found only misery whether I was drunk or sober? How will I handle things? What if something goes wrong?

All legitimate fears. Maybe you can use the power of logic to fight forwrad through them, but logic doesn't seem to be an effective weapon against alcoholism, based on my experience and prbably yours.

Faith was effective. I looked at this bunch of ex drunks, compared their past experience with mine and got a match. Then I looked at what they did to recover, and developed this idea, maybe based on faith, that if I did what they did, I might recover too. Faith took me through the fear. Desperation gave me the willingness.

I can assure you it works, but I cannot assure you it will be pain free. You are going to have to go through some pain, do some things you don't want to do, it will be uncomfortable, for a time. There is no way round that, but the end result is sure worth it.

Introvrtd1

i quit so many times before....still a struggle

Obladi

Hi Forester,

Can you put your finger on what was so bad stopping last time? Seems like this is a really good rationale for not stopping, so I was thinking maybe working through that could help?

All of us know that "2 people" feeling. The ambivalence about stopping (or not) that is a trademark for people with our problem. As far as I can figure, the answer to that is to realize that we may always have those times when we want to drink but we choose not to anyhow.

Staying clear of the "fight" about it between my two selves has been enormously helpful. Drunk me says "shouldn't we drink now?" and Sober me says, "Silly beast, I don't drink now." Drunk me pouts a bit and ambles off shortly. The matter-of-factness about it all has been pretty awesome. Like... I accept that I am an alcoholic and that's just part of me that won't go away but it doesn't have to rule me.

Don't know if that makes any sense. But anyhow, don't stop trying. You'll get there to just "doing."

O

dwtbd

Fully understand the 2 people analogy, learning about and using AVRT( great threads on it here on SR in the Secular Recovery forum and subforums) really resonated with me and helped me put the 'one' in Its place, kill the drunk "me".

My wife and I are the sole caregivers of our special needs daughter, she's 26 , I quit when she was 21.

Drunk Me was a right nasty bastard and a duplicitous liar used my daughter as a reason to deserve some respite in the form of intoxication. Respite is a deserved thing , drunkenness not so much.

ScottFromWI

We've all walked in your shoes actually. I wore them for the better part of 25 years of "functional" alcoholism ;-)

Yes - you are a busy person, but it's entirely possible to devote some of your time towards your recovery. There are resources out there to help you with your recovery as well as many of your life issues.

It's a very common ploy of our addiction to make us think that our problem is somehow bigger than others, or that we are so much busier or unfortunate than others, that it's a better idea to just keep drinking - which is of course false.

Bottom line, you can make the time to quit drinking if you choose. It's not helping you, and the longer you keep going the worse everything will get. You'll eventually lose the ability to help your family, do your job, and your health will fail too. It's not a question of if, it's a question of when.

Forester

Thank you all for your responses and support.

Sadly I don't tick all the boxes to qualify for help from Blue Care, Dee74. If I was unemployed I would probably get more assistance... which is ironic really. It seems those who are helping themselves as best as possible get taxes... nothing more.

I don't think I was making an excuse for my drinking ScottFromWI. I was sure to check myself for self talk, though I'm not immune to self illusion. My life is quite challenging, even without alcohol. Many people have told me that they are amazed with what I do and that they don't think they could do it. It's paradoxical that I should seek relief in something that makes it even harder. I accept what you are saying though, I will double check myself to make sure I'm not fooling myself. Thanks for letting me know about this... I will think about it.

I have spent some time thinking about what made it so hard last time Obladi. It wasn't the sobriety. In retrospect I appeared to have dropped into some sort of psychosis. I don't know if that had been building and stopping drinking was a catalyst to exacerbate it. It seems hard to tell what happened. My memory from when I stopped drinking forwards a couple of months is hazy at best. But I know it was a bad time for me. Then I came right... then months later I fell into the trap again. I shake my head... it's like "man, what was I thinking. I had been clean almost a year." It's incredibly dumb.

So a couple of days since my last response, my plan towards sober me is coming together. Rather than just leaving the carton of beer in the coldroom and attacking it with a frenzy at my first opportunity I put half of my usual daily drinking in there and left the rest hot in the laundry. The next day, although not hungover, I felt somewhat unwell... a few spells of dizziness. I took one drink away from the allowance for the next day (yesterday), but I still had one left at night that I did not want. I put in still one drink less for today this morning before I left for work.

I will see how I go today. I hope I am not unwell and my mental faculty remains intact. My mood is deteriorating already, but that's kind of to be expected. I'll bounce back soon enough once I'm clean I hope. My ability is down today, I hope my problem solving abilities remain okay. Time will tell.

If I keep busy I won't drink... so maybe I'm just better off not ever stopping doing stuff. LOL.

Nah, I'm joking. I know I have to stop being busy sometime. That's my moment of weakness though. How to get through that is my challenge. How to relax without alcohol. Just be.

Forester

It's not even 10 in the morning and I'm doubting my ability to make it sober by the end of the month, which I have set as my target. The thought of going to the annual ag show this weekend sober is dreadful, the thought of waking up with a hangover after it is awful too. The chances of me drinking in moderation there is 0 if I do drink, and the chances of me being anything but miserable sober is also 0. I really don't want to go. If I choose not to go I will be alone, which rarely ever happens... and the first thing I'm going to want to do then is crack open a cold one. It will be a constant battle and me delaying cravings the whole time. I wish I could erase this Saturday even before it happens. It's a ridiculous self imposed paradox. I'm such a fool for letting myself get back in this frame work. I could pretend that none of these things are true as well. I could pretend I could drink in moderation, I could pretend that I could have a good time, I could pretend that I'd be fine alone... but I don't really believe any of those things. I'm filled with dread.

Then the ensuing boredom and listlessness that is coming... not wanting to die is the best reason I have for stopping drinking. I know it's a pretty darned good reason. Still I doubt myself. The part of me that wants to be free of this wants to take the alcoholic part of me down the river and chuck him in the current, never to be seen again.

Sucks so much. I feel trapped and alone. No one knows except my wife, fortunately she doesn't judge me. But I feel like she is just humouring me when I talk about what I'm experiencing rather than really listening. I know it is a big ask for a person who is not alcoholic to understand one who is. But it's still how I feel.

Thanks for listening.

edit: already just cutting my alcohol consumption down by more than half and I'm starting to freak out and overthink stuff... aaaah! Just gonna have to take the hard blows and deal with it there's no way out. Do or die.

fini

here is an idea: choose not to go to the show, then use the alone-time to read all the AVRT threads in Secular Connections, or go to several AA meetings, or research alcoholism and find a SMART meeting.

Forester

I appreciate your suggestions fini.

I told my wife about how I don't want to go and why. She says I should go camping... If I drive up the mountain and light a fire by myself I will be well and truly out of harms way. I'll be cut off for the night and free of it. The people who have all these expectations of me, the various groups I normally assist at the show and my family will just have to do without me. It seems like a pretty good idea.

fini

you might find out you are not indispensable

double-edged, that.
but there: many options suddenly. wonderful.

Gottalife

Psychosis is an inability to see reality. In the Doctors's Opinion in the Big Book, it is described as an inability to distinguish the true from the false.

What you described was a white knuckle battle with alcohol from which you emerged victorious. Though it was painful and difficult there was no psychosis about that part. That came later when the obsession returned, the real psychosis, where suddenly the reality that you could not drink was no longer clear. You fell for the idea that you could drink, it turned out to be false. Or just as common, perhas you didn't think at all.

That's the pattern for gazillions of alcoholics, nothing unique there. The basic problem is the same, no 24/7 reliable defense against the fatal first drink. How to find that is the question.