LoreleiLee

Hello all, I am new to this forum and non-native english speaker, so forgive me if I´ll make some grammar or spelling errors.



I have BPD and I am in psychotherapy since 2001. (now I´m 39).


My entire twenties, especially first half, I have spent consuming light and heavy drugs and behaving like a nymphomaniac. Paralelly with narcotics, I discovered booze, which I drank entire time during my treatment with psychotropic medications (then, AD-s and Xanax mostly).



First time I started drinking in college, trying to self-medicate my depression, anxiety, depersonalisation, derealisation and loneliness. I was an excellent student nevertheless. I continued with drinking after first psychotherapy visit, wholeheartedly and enthusiastically mixing booze with meds. I drank everywhere: on exhibition openings, poetry readings, festivals, concerts, in clubs, private parties – and alone. Untill 2008. I progressivelly drank myself into oblivion. I would embarass myself in public, dancing on tables, kissing and making up with strangers (both men and women), taking my clothes off, singing hysterically, falling and rolling on the clubbing floors.

Last three years of my alcohol dependency I couldn´t function anymore: I traded day for night and vice versa, I lost my inspiration for visual arts, I cut myself and I suffered terrible memory losses and blackouts. I even had pseudomystical, pseudoreligious, half-psychotic experience with spontaneous orgasms and speaking with two different languages (male and female, aggressor and victim).


I was even raped once I was alone on the vacations, when I went outside after drinking whole bottle of red wine. In the local caffe few guys dropped something in my drink and I woke up in my hotel room beaten, bruised and with twisted ankle.


I also tried to kill myself with few handfulls of Xanax and a liquor.


By the end of 2008. I called hospital and ended there voluntarily after experiencing psychotic fear/psychotic panic attack with horrifying depersonalisation. Their diagnose was not acute psychosis nor BPD, but alcoholism.


In the beginning of 2009. I was no longer taking AD-s (Zoloft) and I was switched to antiepileptics Tegretol and Rivotril, but they gave me suicidal depression (I almost threw myself off the window). At the end of the same year I suffered from another psychotic break (but also without losing touch with reality and hallucinations) and was switched to antipsychotic Seroquel, antiepileptic Depakine Chrono and benzodiazepine Valium.



After that, I am changed as a person: functional, yes - however, no longer sparkling, exciting, unpredictable, adventurous, brave, witty wild child, walking hot mess - but meek, scared, recluse, aloof, stupid, numb and zombified creature. I miss what I believed was my magical and charismatic old self (at least everybody was telling me that alcohol unleashes the most beautiful and charming demons in me, and I was also seductive, sociable and much more open and uninhibited when intoxicated).


Today I suffer from obsessive, recurrent dreams about snorting coke, heroin and speed and maniacal drinking.


On social meatings I scream and cry inside myself, watching other people enjoying their wine, beer or hard stuff, feeling nastily and bloodily torn apart by furious envy and jealousy at people who can handle drinking by reducing it to social events and who can paradoxically control themselves in those tiny losings of control. I hate them and I hate and pity myself, encapsulated in suffocating sadness, loneliness and depression, feeling uninteresting and empty: nothing to give and nothing to lose.


I´m a mixture of shy, socially awkward and passionate, impulsive personality, but I simply cannot function normally without fueling myself a little bit; I´m stiff, afraid I won´t impress and I don´t have the access to the gorgeous realm of subconscious that alcohol possess the key of. I can feel how everybody gets disappointed, bored, despising or disgusted when I say I don´t drink anymore.

Because of all of that, now I feel my prime time/glory days are gone and everybody overshadows me with their flamboyance, humor, wittiness, spontaneity and amusing qualities. I am so down, alone and I feel I belong to nobody, and noone understands me. It is sooo painful and it breaks my heart. My social life is practically dead. When I come home, I feel released, but at the same time abandoned by god and universe, and there is no meaning in anything.



The most tragic thing is that I am an active artist, but creative deeds do not fulfill me enough, because lack of quality social life and deep, meaningful friendships are destroying and killing me.



I am clean for nine years and yes, I guess I should congratulate myself, but I am bored to death, sad and black as a collapsed universe.
I am so nostalgic about my carefree, dionysian, orgiastic past full of adrenaline, risks and pleasures and sweet but dangerous escapisms.



I cannot bear the thought I will be on meds forever (which is a fact) and that I´ll never taste wine or any other precious, mesmerizing, divine liquid again.

I am romanticizing my past to hell and back because I am sure now that I destroyed my demons, my angels are also gone (paraphrasing Rilke).


Do you have some suggestions/advices how to overcome dry drunk symptoms (if I named it correctly)?

LoreleiLee

PS. I am very sorry for a long post. I just had a feeling that I have to give context to explain why do I feel the way I do.

biminiblue

I would say that the speedy larger-than-life past You was careening toward tragedy and you escaped just barely.

I had a very exciting ten years in my addictions, too.

I have now created a quiet routine that nurtures my body, mind and soul. It does take time to find some passions that are less self-destructive.

It's worth it to keep seeking.


How about a high-energy sport or past-time? Lots of those to get the adrenaline going. They don't even have to be life-threatening.

Roller derby? Scuba diving? Rock climbing? Long-distance cycling? Horseback riding?

least

Welcome to the family. I would suggest you start practicing gratitude every day, if you don't already do so.

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR LoreleiLee. The term "dry drunk" is very loosely defined at best, and considered offensive to some at worst. Having said that, it certainly seems if though you are romanticizing the idea of drinking. Our addiction conveniently forgets all the bad things that go along with it - the hangovers, the shame, the embarrassment, the health problems, etc...

You mentioned you are in therapy, have you discussed your feelings on this issue with your counselor? For nearly all of us, getting sober requires some major changes, and most of us also have underlying issues we need to address. Mine was anxiety and I definitely tried to self medicate with alcohol, but of course it ended up making it worse in the long run.

The important thing is that those problems don't go away simply because we quit drinking or using. We need to address them and treat them appropriately.

LoreleiLee

I agree totally, passions are things that fulfill us and should bring joy, and I do have various hobbies aside from my main creative vocation. The great thing is that they can be enjoyed while a person is alone and deep in the flow. That part of my life is satisfying, and working whole day on elaborate illustration gives me wings, but I need to fix that part that relates with my relationships with others, both friendly or romantic. I feel like I´m not complete if I´m not affirmed in that facet of existence also.

Routine wise, I´m split and ambivalent: one part of me is soothed and calmed, but too much of the same stuff and rhythm triggers apathy and tension in me.


This is really good idea I drive bycicle and swim when I can, but I must admit I thought about rock climbing. Something to give me thrills and makes me feel alive.

LoreleiLee

Thank you I´m glad to be here I was reading a lot about that and first I thought of it as a nonsense when you feel like most of your life is falling apart and no small success can cure grand maladie, but I did make (only one) list, few weeks ago. It helped.

I also realized, reading my first post, that I thank all gods (not believer, but still...) I survived all horrors and escaped all ugly things that happened to me or that I caused by lack of caution.

LoreleiLee

I actually stumbled on that term yesterday and I must admit that there are also sayings it is a rude name.

I guess I´m prone to rather accept life that is so exciting in both positive and negative, destructive ways that someone could extract a novel out of it than being calm and wise. Also, part of my issue and diagnosis is that I am still pretty immature with my hooking for cheep thrills (but I am aware of it). It´s like my baby self is a mischievous pyromaniac bandit that has an urge to throw himself into trouble because my parents were keeping me under the bell jar and were cold and possessive.

Yes, once, with one of my previous therapists I had a conversation where I literally begged him to help me with alcoholism because I know and see it is spiralling out of control (I was afraid for my life), but he just responded in icy voice: "That is NOT your main problem".

I even went to check to rehab without his blessing, but the doctors in the clinic refused to accept me.

Thanks. I´m afraid mine is damaged self-esteem and very poor self-image, plus childhood traumas. I was in a period when I went to private psychotherapist and that was the best time ever, she was my saviour, but I had to quit due to lack of money.

I also noticed that I was bordering on euphoric and being high on glowing pride first years of my abstinence to the point I was afraid I´ll develop mania (again), but this dolorous, aching and painful yearning for artificial paradises is creeping in again. I don´t know why I am regressing, despite some great and positive changes in my life.

Stayingsassy

Yes, I do crossfit for that reason.

You say "I simply cannot function socially without it" but has that perhaps become a self belief that you've imprinted in yourself because you miss drinking?

Are you seeing it clearly? Sometimes I claim the same thing but if I was able to view myself from another perspective I would see conversation and humor and laughter at times but that timelessness, that loose feeling, the uninhibitedness would be missing.

It is different but I wonder if your perspective might be skewed. what I actually am reading is a (very well written by the way) bio of a person who misses the absolute drama and adventure of drinking which is probs part of your borderline tendency.

I think if you were truly back there, you would not be romanticizing it at all. You would be miserable most of the time.

There can be drama and intrigue and excitement without drinking ...Maybe you haven't found the right people to show you that,yet.

Anna

Welcome, and though I understand where you are coming from, I don't use the term 'dry drunk' either.

Congratulations on 9 years of recovery!

I hope that you can talk to your therapist about your feelings. I'm sorry that you feel bored. I like Bimini's suggestions of trying to find exciting activities to do. I live near the water and kite-surfing/boarding is quite common. I'm sure you wouldn't feel bored if you were doing that.

LoreleiLee

I think the reason for entering the void was when I was hanging out with my then best friend (we were cruising through exhibitions mostly and hanging with guys), and she used to say, "You are so neurotic", and when I got tipsy, "You are so much more fun, warm and fluffy when you drink."

That was tattooed in my brain eversince because my deepest fear was to be called boring (I thing that is the nightmare of all Cluster B disorders). So I started to charge myself, and in the beginning I really was all bubbly and giggling, but then, out of the blue, depression rose and I was not cheerfully swimming, but drowning.

I paralelly developped social anxiety too, so I drank to get balls to approach people and to please and be liked and loved.

I do miss drinking in those periods when I would sip my wine while drawing and feel that ecstatic, electric but milky rush of warmth in my blood and entire body and soul, feeling love for all people, even when I was not with them physically, and feeling connected.

But I mostly miss the effect I had on others, because of my pathological insecurities. Drunken me was not an outcast.

LoreleiLee

Thank you too I won´t use that term then, I undestand now why it is offensive.

Thanks

Now that I thought about it, I feel bored mostly when I am with other people, who do drink. The ones who are born trippy inside their heads are much more fascinating and I can only relax and be my true self with them. Drinkers inject even some sort of guilt in me, because I am not participating in collective loosing brakes. (I come from a very alcoholic country where every damned event needs to be celebrated with gallons of quenchers and everyone goes ******* crazy.)

Maybe more accurate formulation would be: eternal sobriety is unbearable because you are constantly aware of everything, every problem you have or the others suffer from. Like you are gazing at the blinding sun.

Thanks for your suggestions I don´t live by the sea or lake, but my sister mentioned that we can at least run together And I will check at the nearest pool

LoreleiLee

And yes, it would maybe be more considerate if admins would switch "Dry Drunk syndrome" with "alcohol crisis", "prolongued withdrawal crisis" or something similar. : ) I apologize for using the first term.

ScottFromWI

Its not a problem LoreleiLee, it's a legitimate question to ask if you have not heard the term before.

Cosima11

You have a gift for writing, I found myself quite captivated by your story. I hope you're utilizing your artistic talents in sobriety! I too had somewhat "psuedomystical" experiences with drugs and alcohol. People speak of getting sober as a spiritual awakening, for me it was like a spiritual death. But I've slowly, slowly worked my way back into my beliefs and "connection with the universe". There can absolutely still be access to the gorgeous realm of the subconscious sober. Drugs and alcohol are just shortcuts, plus they come with the price of having to second guess yourself, not to mention hate yourself on top of it all.

I know you know this, just wanted to say thanks for sharing your story and congrats on your 9 years!

Gottalife

If you are suffering from alcholism then the term dry drunk, which I don't particularly like means being sober and suffering from alcoholism - i.e trying to live without drinking but still having an alcoholic mind. Maybe the most musiunderstood and yet serious aspect of alcoholism is what happens to the alcoholic when they don't drink. Most suicides occur in alcoholics who are not drinking.

It seems you have ended up in an awful place and it is largley because medical science has no complete solution to alcoholism. They have partial solutions, they can treat some of the symptoms like depression and even what are sometimes called cravings, but they don't have a solution that will bring restore you to a full life. You are just making this discovery.

The medical approach is also kind of political as well. They call it harm reduction, in that today you are less danger to yourself and society as whole, but it is not a good deal for you.

I call it paliative care. That is where a patient is given medication to minimise suffering while they wait for the end. You deserve so much better than that.

I have a friend, Alan. I met him in AA many years ago. We shared my last relapse together. He is about the same age as me, was much better looking and he was someone I always thought of as a young man with increduble potential. He and I were both products of AA up until a point where something went wrong for Alan. He was a fan of meetings, but not big on the program.

He has spent the last 20 years on a cocktail of medications, long ago lost the ability to work, lost all his teeth, and looks a good ten years older than me. He is over weight, slurs his words, has never managed a relationship with another human being, and has completely missed all the good thiings that came my way as the result of living the AA program.

When I go to the local CAD centre I often see people like Alan, leaving with their paliative careprescritpions. Lost, broken spirited.

There is an alternative in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous or one of the sister fellowships if that is a better fit. It is simple but not easy. It will require work and self sacrifice, and a good deal of discomfort but the deal is much better.

Total freedom from alcohol, the ability to live happily and effectively in the world, the power to fulfill our potential in so many ways. That was what was promised to me, and that is what I received.

In your shoes I wouldn;t rush head long into it, I would do what I did, I guess, and that was to call AA and ask for someone to come see me to have a talk about my situation and answer my questions. I spent an afternoon with someone who had recovered from the misery, and is was the best investment of time I ever made.

Ken33xx

I was listening to a radio interview where two former band members were on the phone at the same time with the radio host.

Both band members dislike each other and are in AA.

It was funny as they went back and forth.

You're a dry drunk
No YOU'RE a dry drunk

Cosima11

My two cents as a non AA person.. you may not need an official program to find spirituality. You may not need a set of steps or list of commandments to ensure you're "adequately recovering" and becoming a better person. Many people here would tell you otherwise because that's what's worked for them, ultimately it's your own choice.

LoreleiLee

I didn´t know that, it is scary, especially because I feel suicidal for various reasons and because of numerous misfortunes that are occuring in my life right now.

I know, thank you. But the doctors absolutelly never discuss my alcoholism, even when I insist on talking and debate minutely about that painful spot. All of them administered those awful medications for the BPD symptoms primarly.

I´m so sorry to hear that. I believe he is broken. Fortunatelly, people stil think I am at least ten years younger than my biological age, so meds didn´t create a havoc in my organism (yet!) and I even managed to get rid of 10-12 kilos in September 2017 that I gained in the last nine years, but that doesn´t guarantee I won´t turn into a ruin overnight also, and the saddest and most calamitous part is that spiritual deterioration, when you feel dead inside. Right now I am not eerily empty, but in the claws of enormous, ravenous emotional pain, that is, I feel too much and I want to scream. I was thinking about calling emergency line just to talk with someone about my suicidal thoughts, but I´m afraid they will come and pick me up to the hospital, and being there in the past was one of my gravest traumas - a schizophrenic young female patient almost strangled me while I was sleeping, old lady was seeing devils in my slippers and a nurse was urging me to beat up the first girl. And first night they didn´t want to give me any tranquilizer, although I was in heavy withdrawal and adjured them to ease my jittery and deliric condition; all they did was threatening me that they will tie me to the bed, and they yelled at me as if I am some kind of criminal. I barely survived that night, shivering like crazy, on the verge of breaking the mirror in the room and cutting my veins. Hospitals and asylums are the one of the most despicable and inhumane places.

I do have AA group in my country, but it is very small, and living in the main city is like being engulfed in some bad and tacky soap opera because everybody knows everybody, so I am afraid to go to their meetings, but I will think about it and maybe change my mind.

LoreleiLee

[QUOTE=Cosima11;6962205]You have a gift for writing, I found myself quite captivated by your story. I hope you're utilizing your artistic talents in sobriety!

Thanks, I write poems, all of my prose is scattered on various forums when I was in alarmingly perilous state of mind and soul and crying for help.

I think I know some of the reasons of my potential relapse: although I create visual art for about twenty years and I regularly show my works on exhibitions, last two years I am like cursed: suddenly nobody accepts my project proposals for galleries and everybody ignores me - and it hurts infernally. I feel inessential, marginal, rejected, ignored, scorned, and I am very ambitious and have a strong urge to share my work with others and communicate my inner worlds and turmoils. Lack of interest makes me vulnerable and like a failure.

Second is the fact that, after her recent poisonous criticisms and brutal insults regarding my intellect I finally decided to discard and emotionally separate from my mother, never speaking to her again, but i suffer because she was also my only friend, although toxic one.

Third, I was only in one relationship in my entire life, with a malignant narcissist that psychologically ruined me after our split. I was only with bad guys that either used or abused me, and in shallow, superficial, mostly sexual adventures after that and I cannot find my soulmate. Everyone in front of me is getting married: my younger sister, ten years ago, my cousins, my friends... and I am still objectified by men as a sex doll and a guilty pleasure, they treating me without any respect, despite my aloofness.

All of that makes me think alcohol was my only true lover.

I live alone with my two cats and they are the only beings (pure, innocent, loving ones) that I am living for.

I still create artworks, in silence and solitude, but I feel like they are stillborns or damaged, scarred and distorted fetuses, not adored children anymore.

I really feel like my life, after happy honeymoon phase of first 2-3 years of sobriety, is turning into a fatal, absurd mistake. I try my best, I even got a new, promising job after years of insecurity (I started working 2 weeks ago), but it still didn´t cure my wounds or put me in an optimistic state.

I guess my newest psychiatrist is a particularly lousy one.

PS. Sorry again for a long prattle. I will save the rest for my psychotherapist.