LoreleiLee

Do you mean sports, yoga, meditation, loving relationships?
I was seriously considering meditation, but many doctors and even spiritual leaders or just people engaged in spiritual praxes claim that meditation is unsafe for BPD-s and other personality disorders, and especially schizophrenics, because it lifts and elevates the spirit so much that the person, if not careful enough, can "fly away", and that they need to stay grounded as much as possible, because mental illness itself (although I am reluctant in using that term) is bringing the sufferers in the states of mind that can be delusional or dissociated.

I am curious about meditations that boost spirit in natural way, but without danger of getting anxiety or something worse.

First year of sobriety I was a bit hypomanic, but pleasantly, and I used to feel some fiery warmth, like a snake (maybe it´s kundalini) spontaneously climbing and wiggling up my spine and giving me orgasmic feeling and butterflies in my stomach. That was a happy time, and I was still on lower doses of meds.

I hope that blissful state can be regained.

(Of course, my unimaginative and dryly empirical psychiatrist wrote down I had cenesthetic hallucinations, and I was just expressing my sensations in a metaphorical way ).

Cosima11

"Sports, yoga, meditation, loving relationships"

Yes to all of those things! Although I've had to make the relationship I have with myself the priority for the time being in order to change certain unhealthy patterns.

I've never gotten deep enough into meditation for anything "trippy" or dissociative to happen, although I do know/believe it's possible. I have minimal knowledge on kundalini but yes from my understanding that type of "awakening" can be dangerous in some cases. I think it probably depends on who you ask, and I'm no expert. I was just doing the super basic focus on your breathing or visualization type of thing which helped with sleep.. Some people take it further with lucid dreams but that's a whole other topic.

Anyway, if you're hesitant to try meditation I think physical activity is an equally important part of the puzzle.

Gottalife

Hey Lorelielee,

Thanks for your detailed repsonse. It made perfect sense to me. You are a very good writer, and pretty clever too. I still havn'e figured out how to split of the quotes into blocks like you did.

It is good you have some AA nearby. I just wanted to suggest some caution. AA meetings can be pretty randpom affairs. I have been to some that you wouldn't know were AA because they never talk about the problem, alcoholism, or the solution, but talk about anything else. In some the behaviour can be off putting, sometimes disorderly, sometimes inappropriate. There is a pretty good risk that you might not get a proper representation of what AA is really about, even in a good meeting. And it may be worse for women. Women can find it very difficult to relate to stories of antisocial derelict behaviour that happens with some male alcoholics, when actually all they are talking about is their consequences, not symptoms of alcoholism.

That is why I suggest meeting an individual member and having a chat with them. Ask plenty of questions and see if it sounds like this group has a real answer for you. It is also quite scary to turn up at a meeting cold. I doubt I could have done it.

That's it really, do some reading, ask questions, make an informed choice. Much safer than getting put off what might be your only hope by some idiot in a meeting.

slangking

I can relate to your story very much.
I've been sober for a year and a half and drinking was a huge component of my personality, I played in bands where the whole culture encourages drinking to oblivion.

I feel like a different person as well, i don't go out socialising anymore and I miss that feeling that alcohol gives you. It's a struggle at times.

I'm also into visual arts/poems, I find that alcohol does give you a deeper appreciation sometimes. Maybe appreciation is the wrong word but life is the different without drugs. I do sometimes think about going back to drunkenness as I've lost a lot of who I use to be, I never have as much fun as I did when I was heavy drinker.

Nine years is a long, should feel proud of that. Well played.

BullDog777

I'm an artist too. I had my first published work at 11, and I've been in galleries, worked with movie studios, painted and illustrated book covers, designed video games and illustrated graphic novels and comic books. After 34 years, if I know one thing about the art field is that it's very very cyclical.

Hot one day, cold the next.

That's not our fault though and it's somewhat out of our control.

What is in our control is how we chose to expose our art to the world.

When I was younger, in my 20s, hyperrealism was the big thing and I did it well. I was constantly getting invited to show my work in galleries but that genre dried up and the market shifted. If I wanted to stay employed, I had to change and reinvent myself. So I did...many times over my career.

Nowadays, we as artists don't need galleries for work or admiration or notability . The biggest gallery in the world is the internet.

I started my own youtube channel, joined about a dozen art groups on facebook, twitter, deviant, pinterest, gumroad, paetron, ebay and a few others.

I started to self promote my work, and it wasn't long before I was getting all sorts of offers.

There are people making more than $10,000 a month doing this.

If you want to reach a bigger audience, just learn to market your work through social media. There are dozens and dozens of youtube videos that tell you exactly how to do it too.

I followed a business model by a popular painter and I'm doing very very well now.

This field like everything else in life will only reward you for the effort you put in.

If you chose to put yourself out there, the sky isn't even the limit.

If you ever need any help if you decide to go the mass/social media route, let me know and I'll be glad to help. Or if you feel like you want to drink.

I just know as artists we're more sensitive and introverted than most people . It makes us vunerable and at times very manic when we don't feel like we're living up to what we were charged with doing on this planet.

However, we as creators are blessed with a God like ability to create what most people can't even imagine and in my opinion, nothing is more exciting than that.

One more thing...neither you or me or any other artist was ever better or more creative when we were drunk. We were just too sick to see what garbage we were spilling. I know a lot of famous people and not one of them in recovery will disagree with me. So, you ought to surrender that romance as soon as possible. It terribly unproductive.

My advise...find your inspiration again.

Berrybean

I'm an AAer and I learned to grow up and learnt who I am sober and how to honour myself through working the 12-steps. I would say it's worth trying a few diffrent meetings. You may find that some are not to your liking, but a few are. In a good meeting people will be respectful and recovery-focussed. Talking about drunk behaviour will have point, not just nostalgia or mouthing off or being some kind of stand-up comic.

When I first went I thought AA was about getting sober. Now I know different, and it's about understanding enough about alcoholism and ourselves that we can learn to live sober (really LIVE) comfortably. The steps help us to clear away all that stuff I our heads and hearts about our pasts. Our shame, our resentments, our fear. I think it's definitely worth a shot. It sounds like you've tried most other options, and you don't have anything to lose by giving it a go. Even at the least healthy meeting, anonymity is key because it's something every one there relies on.

Regarding gratitude, have you seen the 365 Gratitude app? I find that helpful.

BB

Tsun

I so relate to the issue of romanticizing alcohol. I too miss the almost magical state of drinking, the taste, the different choices of it. I managed four successful years of sobriety but felt as if there was no joy left in life, and so I relapsed. Now I'm starting again.

And I realize this time, it's crucial for me to romanticize sobriety. That seemed impossible at first, but THIS time, I'm older, my health problems (largely from decades of alcohol abuse) are more serious. So it's not as big a leap to think fondly of sobriety, when it means I can lose weight, not have hammering, scary high blood pressure or constantly skipping heartbeats, intense anxiety the day after drinking...or the latest one - realizing I had developed bad sleep apnea and was choking/suffocating in my sleep. I used to sometimes drink one of those large bottles of wine in a night.

In those charts where they compare the effects of alcohol to ether (the difference between the two compounds is, alcohol has a water molecule, that's it), they show you how with so many drinks, the only two states of being left are 1) loss of vital bodily functions, like breathing and 2) death.

So with all of that, suddenly it's getting a little easier to think better of sobriety, and worse of drinking. It's still difficult, it's just that I've got a few extra tools to hack away at the old thinking, now.

Sometimes I equate sobriety with getting childhood back. That's not always a good thing for people, and my family growing up was pretty toxic at times. But I spent all the time I could alone in my room playing or outdoors riding my bike or hiking in the woods. And it's those moments - carefree, vital, healthy, and most of all - calm and happy - that I equate now with the ideal of sobriety. I want all of that back. I'm tired of feeling like a sick, stressed, sad and miserable grownup.

Peter Pan 4 life.

Good luck. <3