youcantsaveher

I'm at a point where i need help. Serious help. I have had problems with drinking for the last 6 or 7 years. It started out slow but got worse and worse as years passed. The love of my life left me because of my drinking. My dog passed. My grandpa died. And i lost a job all in the same month. I have since alienated myself from all people. I don't go out. I ignore anyone who tries to talk or conversate with me in any.sort of way. I have a job. I show up. On time. My points are up there... But I am drunk every night and drink vodka from a water bottle until its time to clock out. I maybe sleep 3 hours a night. Wake up and first thought is drink. I have obtained 2 OWIS in 4 years and was on house arrest for 2 put in a halfway house and did my time. I reached 11 months sober. Only because I was being drug tested and could not do anything. Instantly when i was off papers I started up again. My girlfriend left me 8 months ago and we had just had a child. A beautiful baby boy. I hardly see him because she knows how I am. You can tell when i am "not drinking" i seem more normal when im buzzed. And you can tell somethings off. I have been drinking beer aa long as i can remember. Slamming a 24 case of coors or miller in a single night. Waking uo with no recollection. Last night I was listening to music in my car. Drinking. Obviously. Fell getting out of the car face first scratched my face and shoulder. I woke up at 6.am today only because my room mate found me. I then proceeded to say **** off and drove to get more. I have graduated to liquor something j never wanted any part in. But it lasts longer for.me than beer. And it hits faster. I am drinking a whole liter of absolut in 2 days and just go get more. I feel the workers at my.liquor store judge me now. Im in there so much and they are very friendly.but you can hear the change in communication and it almost sounds sad. I dont know what to do anymore. I want to stop. But I cannot. I see a doctor i am on meds. But i do not take them. So im paying to see a doctor who prescribes me meds and i dont even take them. Im trying to make my parents happy. I dont know what to do. So i came here. And here i am. Is there a friend available? Can someone seriously just talk to me and be my friend. This self medication has to stop. I am on my knees begging. Please im so sad im so gone. I don't know who i am anymore. I don't want to die but i think about it every day. I don't want anyone to laugh at me or tell me its my own fault. Im scared of that. I need a friend. I need some good talk. Thank you for reading my pitiful post.

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR youcantsaveher, and sorry to hear of all that ails you. Know that you aren't alone, and many of us have experienced the isolation and loss that you are currently feeling. It may seem hopeless right now, but do know that there is a solution and it's 100% free. No one is going to judge you or tell you that this is "your fault" - but do know that getting out of it is your responsibility. You will find a tremendous amount of support here and in recovery communities all around you - but the action that needs to be taken is in your hands. You have the power of choice, and i'm glad you've decided to come here seeking help - that's a great first step.

Does your doctor know about your drinking by chance? That would be a good place to start if you have not.

youcantsaveher

I'm scared to tell my doctor. Im scared theyll write me off because I'm not being honest. I need human interaction. I put on a happy face while im there but im not. They are friendly people and it makes me so happy to go there and hear them talk nice to me. As soon as i leave the building I'm a wreck. I don't want to lose that feeling. Its one of the best things i have and loom forward to every month.

ScottFromWI

They will still talk nice to you even if you tell them - they are there to help you with your problems. Alcoholism is a common problem and it's their job to help you with it.

I understand being scared, but it's simply something you will need to overcome if you want to get help. Maybe you could write down what the problem is and take that/send it to you doctor. Better yet, you could just print out your post here and take that with you.

No matter what road you take to get sober, being honest with yourself has to come first.

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation and your pain. This is what alcohol does to us. It robs us of everything that is important in our lives.

It's normal to feel very scared at the outset of stopping drinking. But, know for sure that you can do this. You can stop drinking. I hope that you talk to your dr, and that you continue to read here and post. You are not alone.

soberista

Hello. In a way you've started to change your life. You've acknowledged that your life has become unmanageable, chaotic and out of control, that you need help and that you are now reaching out for that help. Could you find an AA meeting local to meet some others to give you the support and kindness you need to help move forward?

youcantsaveher

That sounds like a good idea. Writing it down. And giving it to them when i see them again. I cant speak to them directly about it like that I know this. I'm not good at speaking. I'm freaking out even now typing this. Its like im not even drunk anymore. Its just a normal feeling. And I'm scared withdrawals will kill me. Ugh this is all so horrible. Thank you for typing. I didn't think anyone would.

Opivotal

((youcantsaveher)) Welcome to SR ... it's so nice to meet you.

No one here will judge you. We offer support, suggestions, and friendship. You found a wonderful community.

Change is always difficult, but you've taken the first step by reaching out. That takes courage! I believe you're strong enough to take the second step. If you are alcohol dependent, perhaps it's time to be truthful with your Doctor. Get some help to stop the insanity and start living again.

You'll never regret NOT drinking. Start today ... we're here to hold you up until you can walk on your own.

NYCDoglvr

What you're describing is common to all alcoholics. It's a progressive disease that keeps getting worse. Instead of making us "high" as it once did, each day is depressingly the same. I had the "gift of desperation" when I got to AA and my life changed 100% over time. A big hug!

youcantsaveher

I was forced to go to 3 AA meetings a week by the court. I stopped when I was let go. I'm scared to go back. I don't like being around people like that and speaking. I never spoke. I wanted to... Never could. I wanted all attention off of me asap. So i did the im just here to listen. I dont know if i could bring myself to get to AA again. I'm so scared. Ive been crying all day today... A first for me. I don't show emotion. I have work in 4 hours.... I left early last night. I'm gambling. And idk what to do. I'm freaking.

trachemys

You're not alone. Try AA. You'll find a lot of people like us. If detoxing scares you go to the hospital. Medical detox. They'll get you through that part. Keep coming here and keep reading and keep posting.

youcantsaveher

But is medical detox expensive? My concern is money. I am down to do it. But money.... Money is the issue. I live check ti check because all i buy is alcohol and Xbox games.

Ihadmyfill

See if your Dr. can prescribe some anti-anxiety meds and you can detox comfortably at home. Have someone else watch you while you do this. The meds. are very cheap as I remember. In Three days you will be feeling better and then kiss booze goodbye forever! Tell your Dr. the truth, they have heard it all, and it won't shock them. Best Wishes

least

I hope you can get your doctor's help to detox safely. Once you're done with the w/d you should formulate a plan to stay sober. My plan involved counseling weekly and daily visits to SR. I no longer see the counselor but still come here every day to give back the support that was given to me when I was new here.

Hevyn

I'm glad you found us, youcantsaveher. I don't think your post was pitiful - in fact, I felt the same way when I first came here. I was drinking all day, every day. Talking things over here helped me find the courage to change.

You're miserable drinking like that - it's no longer fun, entertaining, or comforting. Time to kick it out of your life and get yourself back together. There is no doubt you can do it. I agree that seeing your dr for assistance is the best way to go. Detoxing without help can be dangerous. Please let us know how you're doing - we care about you.

youcantsaveher

I am going to admit myself in the next 12 hours. I had to make sure my job would be secure. I did not know about FMLA and all that. I had to be sure. Now its just a matter of me getting a ride there when i want to go. And i am beyond terrified.

AtomicBlue

youcantsaveher, you are doing just awesome and you've really got the right momentum. Can you admit yourself anytime now? Sometimes it's best to just keep moving and face your fears than sit around with prolonged fear and anxiety. You are definitely showing real bravery!!

FreeFall

Welcome! You have found a place that can help you find yourself again. I was always afraid to try to quit because deep down I was afraid that I couldn't and then what? I didn't want to attend meetings, but I need to hear from other people so SR was the perfect solution for me. I also did a lot of reading. You won't feel as alone when you realize how many people share your dilemmas and worries. I am here tonight because yesterday marked 6 years for me. I won't say it's been easy, but I can say that it was easier than I ever thought it could be. Please know you have tons of support here and good luck!

youcantsaveher

Awake. Still drunk. Admitting myself today though.... But why. How? Can people.be so kind? Is this normal? Have i been out of touch with interaction so long that i don't understand it ? Because i really don't think i do. Do you really care about someone youll never meet?

MindfulMan

I so felt your pain and terror and feeing trapped reading this. And I'm beyond happy that you found a way to move forward.

My journey started with my doctor. She refused to treat me until I had a psych consult (she tried a librium detox...it didn't work...I drank on top of it). The psych is at an addiction and mood disorder clinic and told me that my sole treatment recommendation was medical detox and inpatient therapy.

I gave in, gave up, and surrendered to the process. I was terrified. It IS terrifying. But you know what? Once you are there and you are being detoxed and then have some time away from the world to put your brain back together, it's a HUGE relief.

I was really really REALLY sick when I stopped. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And I heard a lot of myself in your story. Inpatient rehab is a godsend, and nothing to be afraid of. Just give into the process, and start working hard on your sobriety as soon as you're well enough with every tool that they give you...and make a plan before you leave to stay that sober.

Something clicked for me about a week in. I was more than half through my detox taper (which worked because I was in a controlled environment with no access to alcohol). We went through Step 1. I had to admit that normal drinkers don't end up in rehab not remembering quite how they'd gotten there. That my life had indeed become unmanageable, and that once I took that first sip, I was powerless over alcohol. It was like a switch flipped. I'd been talking with others in recovery there and my drug counsellor. I'd thought I'd had a mostly sober life interspersed with periods of heavy drinking. Suddenly I realized that was all backwards. I was an addict/alcoholic that had sober and "normal drinking" periods. They could last for over a year, but the devil would always return.

The only solution was to take drinking and drugging off the table, forever.

Rehab gave me a place to pause and catch my breath and confront my demons and STOP THE MADNESS. It also gave me some weeks to practice being sober and realize how much goddamned better it felt than being drunk or in withdrawal. And that clarity just got better and better. I left having decided to not drink again. Ever. Just in case, I did AA/NA/CA, then IOP, and then (and continuing) psychotherapy, plus psychiatric medications.

At this point I know I will never drink again. It's been 14 months.

You can get there, and you're on a fantastic start.

Please keep us posted!