Mtphc

I relapsed again.

This is a sad day for me.

Mtphc

Don't quite understand why this is happening to me.

I can't help it

MindfulMan

OK.

Relapse is part of recovery for many.

Get back on the horse.

Why did you relapse? What events? What changes need to be made to your sobriety plan to assure that you won't relapse again?

No shame. No sadness. Just fix it.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear that Mtphc. You could also make this a happy day by making an absolute commitment to never drink again. Looking back, why do you think it is you decided to drink? Learn from that so you are ready next time you have the desire.

MindfulMan

Thanks Scott. He said it better than I did.

The fact that you're here talking about it means you want to stop. It's a good thing.

Mtphc

Thanks.

Thing is that it's almost like I'm losing control. I go on a bender and it's like I don't care about anything

Mtphc

I really appreciate everything. I just can't believe I'm here again. Even after what happened to me.

doggonecarl

After the first drink I don't doubt you lose control. But before that first drink, that's where you have choices.

I have to ask...What are you doing for your recovery besides posting to SR?

Obladi

That's exactly what I do, but I'm not sure if the not caring or the drinking comes first. I think it's both.

Then I realized I could "not care" sober just as well as I can if I'm drinking. Like, life was pretty empty drunk because it was also pretty empty sober, so not drinking has got to be better than drinking.

Am I talking in riddles or does that make sense?

Sorry you're sad today. That's natural, I think but I'm sorry nonetheless.

O

nez

Could wind up being the best day of your life. Could be the day your last relapse ended. Could be the day you finally hit bottom. My last relapse (after countless ones) and final bottom was not a spectacular drunkalogue, far from it; but it was the day my journey around. I had previously been to much worse lows, but it was the day on which I had learned enough and no further research was needed. I surrendered to sobriety. From that day forward, I think WOW! sums it up.

ScottFromWI

Yep, once we start drinking all bets are off. But you can make choices about taking that first drink - lots of choices actually. You have to decide to drink, get money, go buy the alcohol, open it and drink it. So there's at least 4-5 times where you have to make a conscious decision to drink. Even leading up to that there are lots of warning signs to watch for and thins you can do to keep your mind occupied with things other than drinking thoughts. The "cravigns" will eventually susbside, but you have to get sober time under your belt first.

I'd echo Carl's question - what exactly do you do to work on your sobriety each day other than simply not drinking alcohol? If you don't have some kind of formal plan you should consider forming one now.

Mtphc

Don't know what to do. Thing is once I start I can't stop. That's why I'm here. Hoping to put an end to this.

ScottFromWI

You don't start in the first place. So for example, if you feel like drinking you come here and post about it. Or you join a recovery group that has live phone numbers available to call if you feel like drinking.

Overall though, you yourself have to make the committment as well. Try saying this out loud once: "I will not drink alcohol today , no matter what". And if you feel like drinking, repeat it.

VigilanceNow

I know exactly how you feel. 100%. I’ve had a ton of day ones. The wonderful thing is that day one always comes again!! Give yourself a chance.

Alcohol binges do that to me too; after one drink, all I seem to think about or care about is finding more more more. It’s absolutely baffling and scary.

Do you have a plan in place right now? Take action right now; see if there is a meeting nearby where you could connect with some people who have been where you are and can talk you through this. It is not the end of the world; it’s the beginning of your next journey into sobriety.

Mtphc

Thanks for your replies.

It means so much.

I'm making an effort now to not drink

MindfulMan

Fantastic!

What does "making an effort now not to drink" consist of other than posting on SR?

AA? Shrink? Psychiarist? Inpatient rehab? Outpatient rehab? Buddhist meditation? Church groups? Cognitive therapy? Group therapy? Rational Recovery/AVRT? Etc. etc. etc.

Cast a wide net, but be specific in your plan. White knuckling it alone is a plan, just probably not the most effective one.

You can do this.

Hevyn

Hi Mtphc. I'm so sorry for the miserable feelings you're having. I put myself in that position quite a few times. I guess I needed further convincing that I couldn't touch it. I always intended to have one or two - not realizing for me that was impossible. Very glad you're here to talk things over. You can get free.

Stayingsassy

Oh M, I am so sorry.

what O said here is so true.

I did the not caring excuse for years until I realized I could not care with sadness and lethargy in sobriety, or I could not care in utter despair and chaos while drinking.

don't think I don't have **** it days. I do. I just don't drink those days, because I don't drink.

Like mindful said, get back. You can do it.

Forward12

Give us an update on how that AA meeting went!

fini

Mtphc,
you can't help it, you say.
okay.
you may know that the definition of an alcoholic in the Big Book of AA includes the concept of having lost the power of choice.
if/when you know that this is the case with you, then the suggested program offers a solution.
if that is not where you are at, then "simply" choosing not to drink, along with tools and commitments and such should do the trick.
regardless where you are at, you get to/ have to choose which is the way forward you will pursue.