VigilanceNow

Hi all, I just have a quick thought to share and and seeking someone with more experience than me on this subject.

Since my last relapse some time ago, I have been actively seeking out connections within my local recovery community so that I can feel engaged in my sobriety and accountable to myself and others. So far, it has been mostly great; I've met really interesting people and have gained a lot of knowledge about strategies to employ when I'm feeling tempted and/or weak.

Well, as in any endeavor in life, I suppose, you're bound to come across some people with whom you just don't jibe. Recently I met a few people, both girls and guys (though honestly guys were mainly the problem) who I simply did not like. I think they immediately were drawn to me as we around the same age and were among the younger people in the group. Yes, we have problematic alcohol use in common (though theirs includes other drugs), but other than that, I just don't respect their life choices as a whole. They also love to one-up each other in drug/alcohol horror stories, which I cannot stand. A bit of that is fine for me, as we perhaps can some of ourselves in one another, but it gets out of hand and verges on glorifying bad behavior and poor decision-making.

Well, I decided to actively distance myself from them. Their reaction was not good, to say the least. They were totally put off and very blatantly vocalized that I must think I'm better than them. I experienced this as well when I was in rehab. It made me almost afraid to share my real experience to avoid making people feel intimidated that yes, I have had the good fortune to have benefited from an excellent education etc and nice childhood... but at the end of the day, I'm an alcoholic like anyone. It's a difficult line to walk. I am very open and do not compare my background to that of others, but I think people sometimes assume I do.

Anyone else feel this when interacting with sober groups? One comes across all kinds, that's for sure...

ScottFromWI

Unfortunately there are people we don't get along with in all walks of life, recovery groups are no different. You did the right thing by distancing yourself from them, and I'm sorry to hear that they reacted as they did. Having said that, it's their problem and not yours - i'm glad you still decided to share and stay with the group. If it continues, you might even consider finding a different group.

Establishing boundaries is one of the most difficult things in early on. It may sound a bit selfish but quite frankly we all have to be a little selfish when it comes to protecting our sobriety.

daredevil

If you have an excellent education and had a nice childhood, you likely comport yourself differently than the typical alcoholic in group settings, and that sometimes begets envy, and a seeming 'I'm-better-you-demeanor,' which, while it may undeserved, is just a fact of life, at least from my experience at meetings.

I wouldn't sweat it.
I, for one, never went to meetings looking for affirmation or validation.

Obladi

A person in one of my AA groups has said repeatedly "When I came to AA I was so desperate to fix myself that I didn't care what anyone else thought."

I think that's an awesome perspective.

You seem to realize that everyone has their own journey. I think keeping that in mind and hanging with the older guys will help you to keep your distance from these guys who are full of bravado. (I know who they are - I was in rehab with some of them!)

O

Gottalife

When I was new there were a lot of young people around AA that I didn't jibe with. A big part was the other chemicals they had used and the culture that went with that. That was something I had no experience of. They also seemd to have a sense that they were special or different, that the older members didn't understand them and were irrelavent etc. It bothered me a bit, it was hard to fit in with them, in fact I never really did.

I had no trouble relating to the older folks and I made this incredible discovery, with age comes wisdom, and I was happy to benefit from that. I stuck with the old timers, and recovered. Those younger ones, they didn't stay long. Went off to do their own thing I guess.

Having said that, I am amazed these days to see how many long timers there are who got sober in their teens and twenties, so some of them must have stayed.

Ladysadie

Sorry for your discomfort with your group. I completely understand where you're coming from and my sense is that it speaks more about their insecurities than of you. I would think too that you may serve as an example of quiet leadership than of "being better" than, so if you can view it from another angle, I would continue to show up for your own benefit and just be who you are. Or find another group.

I worked in the public sector world and dealt with all sorts of people, coworkers and clients both - many who were never exposed to etiquette or education. I always felt I was something of a loner (never better than) but it wasn't until a couple years later that several coworkers mentioned separately that they appreciated the example I set for the office. Even managers mentioned this to me, which I hadn't considered until they had brought it to my attention. My parents raised me to be conscious of good manners. I hope this makes sense?

SoberCAH

I have learned a lot in recovery from people who had been to jail or lived in hobo jungles.

I had not yet been to the precise depths that some of them had, but i was doing everything i could to do so.

I had manners and sheepskins, but i know that i drank as least as much as most everyone had and i know that what little i had left seemed to be slipping through my fingers like a handful of sand.

When i was early on in recovery, i hung around with as many old-timers as i could find.

Now, i do the opposite so i can help newcomers.

AA is a lot like bars, no surprise, because we see all types there, including some pretty rough people from time to time.

I just go where I'm comfortable and keep coming back.

I am also put off by stories of our drunken exploits, except when the raconteur is trying to make a point of how bad things had gotten.

Glad you're here.

PhoenixJ

VN- there are many ways to view the actions of others. What you feel and do is obviously the most important to you. In a very intense recovery program I lived and worked- I gained a reputation for being very quiet, isolating and stand offish. Which is how it looked, but in truth was because of the crap experiences I had- was very hypervigilant and looked overly to my safety. You cannot change others- but decide what is important to you within that group. I go to meetings now- more to force myself to be around humans. AA and sundry 12 step groups have a singular rocus- and others will view their importance as being tantamount to what others 'should' do -working from the precept that what works for them has to work for everyone else.
Think about the reasons you want to be within that group and what you hope to get out if it..and then you can work on what you can adapt in yourself, if you choose to stay.
Support to you.

SnazzyDresser

There are a lot of sober people I feel almost no affinity for whatsoever! That's just life, sometimes people just don't click.

August252015

Hi VN - in addition to the good comments above about all stripes of people and such...I'll add that one thing that helped me was to learn to "stay in my own lane." Meaning, I shouldn't ascribe intent (as in, WHY these people behave that way toward you- you really don't know, just have ideas, right?) and I have enough to do worrying about myself to focus on others' (ie, as AA says "taking someone else's inventory").

Along with this comes the idea that if something disturbs me (a person, place, thing or situation, as the BB says)....why? What is it about ME that is causing this reaction?

I know I learned that I was a big people pleaser (so many of us are!) - but worrying about being liked by people I just wasn't comfortable caring about or weren't good for me to spend time on was the wrong choice. These kind of "friendships" suck out my positive energy.

Focusing on those who are supportive, positive and such has been my best way to live securely with support. You sound like you have those kind of people too- I bet they are glad for you as well.

Take care of you.