20 years of it and entering rehab - detailed story.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 341
20 years of it and entering rehab - detailed story.
Hello all!
Does anyone remember me? I havent posted here in a long time. I lost my house (through no fault of my own). I lost my job because I thought it would be cool to see how much I could drink to cope with the loss of my house, my Grandfather, and watching my Aunt kill herself after that. 3 month timeline.
I am in a bad place. I moved to a drinking town but did not know it would be one. However, I am safe as I enter treatement next Thursday. The only place I could move to (away from the old house where a sex abuser lived) was next to two bars. My custody agreement states I must stay in town for my child. Bad thing is these two bars are within 5 mins of walking. I told myself this was okay. For months, I walked to the bars to "just eat" and my mind played tricks on me. I know what an "alcoholic voice" is now. I have learned how it can trick you into trying to go get food to maybe thinking someone will buy you a beer.
My neighbors also like to throw huge parties recently next door. I think I have shouted some things at them because they hate me. By next door, I mean they are 10 feet from my window during my sober times. I am a sober or drunk person. I can go 20 days sober then drink hard for 5. Blackout drunk. I can drink a case in a day. There are 30 people outside my window screaming and yelling and I have to get up and keep checking up on them right now. There was a drunk guy peeing in my back yard earlier. This triggered me to go get a 6-pack.
I have a young child part-time. I moved all for her. I never ever drink around her. However, if I drink when she isn't around what is the difference? I lost my job because I made up horrible excuses as to why I could not make it to work hungover. Hungover is the same as being drunk. You can't take care of your child. I remember one night I was on autopilot I could not stop. I told myself in my head "Your Grandfather is dying and you cant stop drinking straight from a vodka bottle?" I even hid the bottle in the basement. I told myself I had to walk down 3 flights of steps to take one shot. I did it until sunrise. WHY?
After Grampa died, I had to help clean out his house. I found amazing things. He was a war Vet but his brother was also arrested for making moonshine so far back I couldn't even read the date. The penalty was $200. Grampa had bottles and bottles of handmade wine and booze. I took out as much as I could and snuck it out. I remember (barely) having a seizure on the way to eat with my parents one day. I fought it off as I have had them for over 20 years from a massive brain bleed which is not related to alcohol at all. I almost passed out at Taco Bell. I knew it was getting bad at this point. This is about the time my aunt decided to kill herself out of grief/revenge. For some reason, I told myself this was my fault and drank a ton. One glimmer of hope: For the first time, my dad (10+ beers a day) admitted he is an alcoholic. He said he has hangovers that last 3 days at a time sometimes. Finally, I see it runs in the family.
1 month ago, I had a massive bad seizure. I thought I would be okay the night before if I had some tea and vitamins because I had my child. I have a pre-disposition to seizures and have always "punished" myself. I think in a way if I am an embarrassment to society I should just have one and get it over with. I drink because I feel like I was given 2 diseases. People have taped me on their cell phones and have made fun. I have been put on YouTube (before alcoholism). No one wants to talk to you if you have "epilepsy". However this seizure was different. I saw big black dots in my vision and I had my daughter. I told her to call 911 and scared her horribly. She cried. I have never done that to her. I swore I would never do that again. Yet here are all the voices telling me "one more!". The neighbors are keeping me up at 2:40am anyway so "why not drink?!".
So, treatment it is. I called my insurance company and they wanted me to go to inpatient immediately. However, I was sober 10 days at the time and I denied. They called me for the next 3 days for a "wellness check". Honestly, I have been drinking for 20 years. Which is sad. I have the best anti-epileptics on the market. I think I can survive until then. Right now, I am just taking some herbs and trying to get through all the noise next door.
Wish me luck all and if any newcomers are reading this please just stop. Kindling is real. It exists. Kindling exists even with Xanxax, Klonopin, Anti-seizure meds, teas, nothing can stop it. The worst is the sickening nightmares and sleep-paralysis. I think at my worse, I would sleep 2 mins and wake up gasping for air. You will see things that are not there and not good things. My FitBit recorded me waking up over 200 times in one hour once. Alcohol is a real drug and I wish it had never been introduced into my life.
-BBE
Does anyone remember me? I havent posted here in a long time. I lost my house (through no fault of my own). I lost my job because I thought it would be cool to see how much I could drink to cope with the loss of my house, my Grandfather, and watching my Aunt kill herself after that. 3 month timeline.
I am in a bad place. I moved to a drinking town but did not know it would be one. However, I am safe as I enter treatement next Thursday. The only place I could move to (away from the old house where a sex abuser lived) was next to two bars. My custody agreement states I must stay in town for my child. Bad thing is these two bars are within 5 mins of walking. I told myself this was okay. For months, I walked to the bars to "just eat" and my mind played tricks on me. I know what an "alcoholic voice" is now. I have learned how it can trick you into trying to go get food to maybe thinking someone will buy you a beer.
My neighbors also like to throw huge parties recently next door. I think I have shouted some things at them because they hate me. By next door, I mean they are 10 feet from my window during my sober times. I am a sober or drunk person. I can go 20 days sober then drink hard for 5. Blackout drunk. I can drink a case in a day. There are 30 people outside my window screaming and yelling and I have to get up and keep checking up on them right now. There was a drunk guy peeing in my back yard earlier. This triggered me to go get a 6-pack.
I have a young child part-time. I moved all for her. I never ever drink around her. However, if I drink when she isn't around what is the difference? I lost my job because I made up horrible excuses as to why I could not make it to work hungover. Hungover is the same as being drunk. You can't take care of your child. I remember one night I was on autopilot I could not stop. I told myself in my head "Your Grandfather is dying and you cant stop drinking straight from a vodka bottle?" I even hid the bottle in the basement. I told myself I had to walk down 3 flights of steps to take one shot. I did it until sunrise. WHY?
After Grampa died, I had to help clean out his house. I found amazing things. He was a war Vet but his brother was also arrested for making moonshine so far back I couldn't even read the date. The penalty was $200. Grampa had bottles and bottles of handmade wine and booze. I took out as much as I could and snuck it out. I remember (barely) having a seizure on the way to eat with my parents one day. I fought it off as I have had them for over 20 years from a massive brain bleed which is not related to alcohol at all. I almost passed out at Taco Bell. I knew it was getting bad at this point. This is about the time my aunt decided to kill herself out of grief/revenge. For some reason, I told myself this was my fault and drank a ton. One glimmer of hope: For the first time, my dad (10+ beers a day) admitted he is an alcoholic. He said he has hangovers that last 3 days at a time sometimes. Finally, I see it runs in the family.
1 month ago, I had a massive bad seizure. I thought I would be okay the night before if I had some tea and vitamins because I had my child. I have a pre-disposition to seizures and have always "punished" myself. I think in a way if I am an embarrassment to society I should just have one and get it over with. I drink because I feel like I was given 2 diseases. People have taped me on their cell phones and have made fun. I have been put on YouTube (before alcoholism). No one wants to talk to you if you have "epilepsy". However this seizure was different. I saw big black dots in my vision and I had my daughter. I told her to call 911 and scared her horribly. She cried. I have never done that to her. I swore I would never do that again. Yet here are all the voices telling me "one more!". The neighbors are keeping me up at 2:40am anyway so "why not drink?!".
So, treatment it is. I called my insurance company and they wanted me to go to inpatient immediately. However, I was sober 10 days at the time and I denied. They called me for the next 3 days for a "wellness check". Honestly, I have been drinking for 20 years. Which is sad. I have the best anti-epileptics on the market. I think I can survive until then. Right now, I am just taking some herbs and trying to get through all the noise next door.
Wish me luck all and if any newcomers are reading this please just stop. Kindling is real. It exists. Kindling exists even with Xanxax, Klonopin, Anti-seizure meds, teas, nothing can stop it. The worst is the sickening nightmares and sleep-paralysis. I think at my worse, I would sleep 2 mins and wake up gasping for air. You will see things that are not there and not good things. My FitBit recorded me waking up over 200 times in one hour once. Alcohol is a real drug and I wish it had never been introduced into my life.
-BBE
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
Willingness to do whatever it takes to
achieve success in recovery/life, sobriety
after my 28 day rehab stay with a 6 week
outpatient aftercare program completed
to get me where I am today. Some 27 yrs
of one days sober added together with a
continuous recovery program taught to
me and incorporated In my daily life.
Take this GIFT....your time in rehab.....
to listen, learn, absorb and apply what
they teach you about addiction and
recovery with every ounce of willingness,
openmindedness and yes, honesty, all
to the best of your human ability to begin
building a strong, solid recovery foundation
to live your life upon for a many one days
sober ahead of you.
This gift of a new life to never take for
granted. To appreciated, hold on dearly
of and be blessed for.
SR is just one of many recovery lifelines
to hold on to, which I have been using
for some time now. However, back in
the day, when I had no computer available
to me, I use face to face meetings to learn
as much as possible attending many
valuable meetings, just like attending
school, bringing my books, pencils and
highlighter to take notes along the way.
I was and still am never alone in my
recovery program as long as I never
let go of those important lifelines
available in recovery.
Wishing you much support as you begin
your new journey living life in recovery,
sobriety, free from this dangerous addiction
that continues to wipe out so many.
achieve success in recovery/life, sobriety
after my 28 day rehab stay with a 6 week
outpatient aftercare program completed
to get me where I am today. Some 27 yrs
of one days sober added together with a
continuous recovery program taught to
me and incorporated In my daily life.
Take this GIFT....your time in rehab.....
to listen, learn, absorb and apply what
they teach you about addiction and
recovery with every ounce of willingness,
openmindedness and yes, honesty, all
to the best of your human ability to begin
building a strong, solid recovery foundation
to live your life upon for a many one days
sober ahead of you.
This gift of a new life to never take for
granted. To appreciated, hold on dearly
of and be blessed for.
SR is just one of many recovery lifelines
to hold on to, which I have been using
for some time now. However, back in
the day, when I had no computer available
to me, I use face to face meetings to learn
as much as possible attending many
valuable meetings, just like attending
school, bringing my books, pencils and
highlighter to take notes along the way.
I was and still am never alone in my
recovery program as long as I never
let go of those important lifelines
available in recovery.
Wishing you much support as you begin
your new journey living life in recovery,
sobriety, free from this dangerous addiction
that continues to wipe out so many.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,912
I haven’t been here long enough to remember you but I sure appreciate you sharing your story and that you are getting treatment. Like Dee asked I’m curious if you can start sooner but overall just happy to hear you are going. Hope they can help you figure out a way to not have to be quite so close to the drunks and the parties.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Great you're getting treatment!
all these reasons you have to drink (which really just boil down to one reason: alcoholism) are still going to be there because when you quit, it is life on life's terms.
How long will you be in treatment? Inpatient or outpatient? At any rate you can start thinking now about new ways to cope with problems and stress because once alcohol is removed, you will need them. You can also start thinking about your goals and dreams: because once you are sober for awhile, the possibility is there for them to come true.
all these reasons you have to drink (which really just boil down to one reason: alcoholism) are still going to be there because when you quit, it is life on life's terms.
How long will you be in treatment? Inpatient or outpatient? At any rate you can start thinking now about new ways to cope with problems and stress because once alcohol is removed, you will need them. You can also start thinking about your goals and dreams: because once you are sober for awhile, the possibility is there for them to come true.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 341
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I think treatment is the way to go for you BBE.
whats making you put it off?
D.
whats making you put it off?
D.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 341
Originally Posted by Numblady
I haven’t been here long enough to remember you but I sure appreciate you sharing your story and that you are getting treatment. Like Dee asked I’m curious if you can start sooner but overall just happy to hear you are going. Hope they can help you figure out a way to not have to be quite so close to the drunks and the parties.
This makes me nervous. The guy living next to me parties every day. Last night I went to the park and bought myself dinner. I had no intention of drinking.
When I came home, he and other drunk guys were shouting at me just because I was a female walking into my own place.
He is right back at it right now with those same guys outside drinking. I went outside this morning to get my mail and one of them whistled at me. Yes, I live alone so this triggers fear and rage.
I am not drinking over that though. I just hope they don't start up again tonight.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I remember you BBE, and I am glad you came back. Might I suggest, seeing as there is a bit of time between now and your admission to rehab, that you give some thoguht to where you live when you get out of rehab, and what you will be doing to maintain your recovery.
Maybe one of the moments of great relief was the day I was sent to rehab, and certainly one of the most frightening moments was the day I was discharged. Back to my old flat where people had scores to settle. I had no ongoing reocvery plan, so I was pretty much doomed from the start.
It is a pattern I see a lot in my 12 step work. The patient arrives, frightened and open minded. A week later ego has rebuilt and its all bravado and "F" AA, then in the last week the fear really starts to build as they realise they have to go back out into the world having mostly avoided anything useful to their reocvery.
Maybe one of the moments of great relief was the day I was sent to rehab, and certainly one of the most frightening moments was the day I was discharged. Back to my old flat where people had scores to settle. I had no ongoing reocvery plan, so I was pretty much doomed from the start.
It is a pattern I see a lot in my 12 step work. The patient arrives, frightened and open minded. A week later ego has rebuilt and its all bravado and "F" AA, then in the last week the fear really starts to build as they realise they have to go back out into the world having mostly avoided anything useful to their reocvery.
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