George89

Hi guys,

I feel like this place is my only refuge right now. The only place I can go and say how ****** up I feel, how guilty and terrible I feel as a result of alcohol.

I recently started a new job two weeks ago. It's been great, but you know what? I went out and had five pints of beer on Tuesday night because it was a world cup game. Due to some logistical problems, I didn't get to sleep that night till 3am, waking up about 7am.

The rest of the week; wed, thurs, and today, I felt like crap to say the least.

I actually drank last Thursday, but I somehow got away with it on Friday as my boss wasn't in and I slept earlier.

But you know what has creeped me out a lot ?

Since last Thursday I've been noticing my short term memory is shot to pieces. I've been forgetting little things, but they seem to have added up. I'm pretty sure my boss has noticed this week that my performance has been off-beat, and I'm really concerned. It's like I am struggling from a type of 'brain fog' which may be indirectly related to drinking alcohol. I just don't feel great. OK on the whole, I mean I can communicate with people and get through my day. But inside I have this horrible feeling of not feeling quite right.

I spoke with a doctor yesterday who said it was probably related to binge drinking and the new job. Either way, I'm really scared. Scared that my short term memory has got so bad.

It's like an absent mindedness. I left my flat without my keys and got locked out by my brother. I forgot that my boss and I had agreed to get lunch today together. I forget all these little things. It scared me because as soon as I realised, I remembered that I had initially made plans (for example, with my boss) or other little things, but I just forgot completely until I remembered again. It's like my mind isn't there. It's a really disconcerting feeling. I start to feel paranoid about what else I have forgotten, or whether there is something right now I'm forgetting..

All in all, I know this is a big wake up call. I was sober for six months until March. But the last few months it has slowly been creeping back. After this week and feeling my short term memory isn't good, I feel really scared. Alcohol isn't worth it, its really ******* evil stuff.

To be honest, depending on how I feel on the weekend, I may even get some more doctors appointments booked. I don't feel right.

I know that if i hadn't of drunk alcohol over those two nights this past week - I would probably be fine.

Why has my brain got so damaged from two nights of heavy drinking? Maybe I am not used it it, maybe its catching up with me given I have had the new job. Either way, I never want to feel like this again.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back George. Alcohol can do a lot of damage to our minds and bodies, I know I had laundry list of problems to fix in that area after I quit. And It is alarming how quickly things can go from "OK" to bad in a short period of time. I drank for the better part of 3 decades and for many of those years I didn't feel too many ill effects other than hangovers and dealing with general idiotic drunken behavior issues. But in the last year or two it was almost as if all the wheels fell off at once. I started having severe anxiety, bad GI issues, memory problems, balance issues, and in the last days i became so physically dependant that started having heart palpitations/high BP if i did not drink every day. I was bloated, bruised easily and my liver enzymes were elevated and my blood chemistry was so far out of whack I ended up on an IV in the ER on my last quit attempt.

The good news is that our bodies are pretty amazing in their ability to recover and heal. It takes time but pretty much all the health problems I had when I was still drinking are gone. I hope this is your "moment" to start making major change in your life for the better. And also that you become passionate about your sobriety for the good things it provides...as opposed to fearing the consequences of drinking.

Kat1313

Hi George. I do agree with ScottFromWI that things could be (rather “seem to be”) ok for decades and then, one day just go downhill and fast. I think that added stress of a new job and new responsibilities have definitely contributed to your current condition as well as alcohol. Never a good mix, and I bet you already know that. I’m very sorry to read about your concerns and I sincerely hope that you get proper help from your doctor, friends, family and people on SR. Most of the symptoms that you wrote about and described in your post can be fixed by abstaining from alcohol provided that there are no other medical conditions that you are not aware of. Seeking professional help from a doctor was a smart thing to do on your part 👍🏻 I’m fairly new here and only have been sober for 8 days, but I just want to assure you are not alone and we do care. I am going to keep you in my thoughts and wishing you all the best! Keep posting here as we want to see you get better.

George89

Thanks a lot guys, it means a lot to see your responses.

The funny thing for me was that I was not even drinking heavily before these two events. I guess I'm just quite sensitive to alcohol and it's effects, perhaps as I had not built up a tolerance to it.

There is this 'nagging' anxiety that has been following me around like a dog since the last binge on Tuesday night. I just don't feel good in myself, it's like the anxiety is just 'there'. It ebbs and flows but I'm not feeling good. Maybe it's low serotonin or something. I need to stock up on some good quality omega 3's and maybe start taking a good multi.

This is a big wake up call, and I need to take action to look at how I will not drink again. The danger of alcohol is that it's not the 1-2 drinks that get you, but its the binge that creeps up on you when you least expect it. It's so perncious in that respect.

My sleeping pattern has been out of sorts since Tuesday night too. I'm waking up constantly in the night and waking up in the morning feeling rough.

I'm getting away from coffee and going back to tea as I know coffee really effects me. I need to completely abstain caffeine including tea and sugar (apart from fruit) after lunch.

Going to do some yoga from home this morning.

I will heal myself. I have to be patient but it will come.

Kat1313

I suffer from anxiety in general, but it was absolutely killing me after my binges. Hangover anxiety is far more terrifying and
debilitating than anything I have ever experienced sober. It amplified the sense of low self worth and multiplied the sense of guilt and dispare for me by 10! It was actually one of many reasons I decided to stop drinking. I just could not deal with the shame, guilt and embarrassment of my actions/behavior when I was drunk the morning after. I would become a total “stranger” who would choose a drink over her family’s plea not to drink and not to harm her body and brain with complete disregard for the consequences (health wise). I never “met” that “person”, however, I disliked her very much! And, I certainly don’t want anyone “to meet” her ever again! So, I think what your body is telling you is that today (now) is your time to stop drinking for good. You can no longer tolerate any amounts of alcohol, and I feel like it’s a blessing, if you will. A sure sign and a good reason, one among many, to re-evaluate your life and choices and CHOOSE sobriety. We were given a chance to make it better. We are working on the same thing, figuring out a plan, sharing personal experiences, and supporting each other along the way! And, vitamin B complex and milk thistle tablets that I take daily don’t hurt either 😊 I like my coffee (2 cups a day), but caffeine does make some people more anxious. Has not affected me in that way, plus, I really like my coffee in the morning. It became a part of my daily routine over the years, and I enjoy it for now. It’s 5:32 am right now at where I am and my day is off to a good start ☀️☕️
Let today be a good day (Day 9 for me) 😁. Wishing you well, George. May your day be filled with positivity and gratitude.

August252015

Glad you made it back and have a chance to get and stay sober. I don't believe we get infinite chances.

I had a LOT of healing to do and that def included my short term memory, easy distraction, even aphasia (the inability to grasp words either quickly and/or correctly)....and I absolutely had to get through the anxiety-drink-more anxiety circle.

It's very real and utterly frustrating that the "results" of our drinking can show up strongly after we have had less to drink than in the past , as our alcoholism progresses. Other variations on this like it taking less some days to get drunk, while other days no matter how much we drink it feels like we aren't drunk.

Getting my physical house in order was key as I started in recovery - working an active program (mine is AA) was even more important.

you can do this.

Dee74

I'm glad to hear you've made that decision George

D

WaterOx

Just a few drinks...one drink.... is all it takes for the body to start talking to you. It would say something like

"Oh, you wanted to go back into F*CKED UP MODE? Well why on earth didn't you just say so? Here, let's get your blood pressure way up for starters. Feeling anxious now? Awesome. How about some brain fog! Great. Palpitations making your heart race? Well this is what you wanted right or else you wouldn't have had that beer- so let's get with it! Feeling already like you want to punch someone in the mouth just for saying hi to you? Of course you do, you haven't had ANOTHER beer in over 5 hours! Thinking about going back to the liquor store already? I know you are, because this is how it works! You just do the drinking.....I'll handle this. Trust me.....I know alllllllll about it."

BDTL

George keep that poison out of your body and your body will come back and thank you. Start walking, join a gym, play golf, etc. Become a regular attendee at a local AA or whatever support group you can join. You sound like you have a bright future so let your body and mind heal so you can reap the rewards. Stay sober brother as it's your life and we don't get more than one shot at it.

George89

Thanks so much for the positive messages everyone.

August, I also get Aphasia often, it really frustrates me as I can say exactly what I want to say when writing, but verbally it can be difficult to find the exact words.

After five days, I'm finally feeling better which I'm so grateful for. I went to a wedding last night, I drove there and back, sober and was fine. I got home quite late and I think I was so tired I actually slept deeper then I had since I had my binge.

I've been attempting to follow a paleo diet recently - cutting out processed foods and carby foods basically - and feeling much more positive and grounded today.

This site is as great resource and I'm amazed at the kindness on here, it's really incredible. Sometimes when you're in a dark place, as I was, it's really special to be able to reach out to people and just to be somehow seen, for people to know what state you're in and accept you for it and be able to empathise.

I need to now work on my recovery and I've been holding off AA for a long time. Perhaps its now finally worth getting down to a session and seeing how I get on..

I sometimes feel like the culture in many parts of the world, especially anglo-christian cultures, like the US/UK and Western Europe, you have part of society that drinks and another part that doesn't drink. Most of the drinkers are functional alcoholics, and those that try and break away are labelled as having a problem whilst the functioning alcoholics are the socially 'normal' ones. It's very messed up.

My mum is probably now what I would call a functioning regular drinker. I am at pains to call my own mother an alcoholic, in the biological sense, but I notice now that her husband has really negatively influenced her. Everytime they are together, there is a bottle of wine open, alcohol is being drunk. I know she is probably drinking quite regularly in the evenings. At 60, as well. I don't know how she does it, how it doesn't seemingly effect her. Or whether she is fighting her own internal battle against alcohol and hangovers, it's really hard to say or know. From the outside it seems that alcohol is no problem to her.

And its funny how when we look at what our parents do, we can sub-consciously take that on board as 'normal'. It's also an interesting question, what is an alcoholic? Can someone drink 2-3 glasses of wine every other night and not be an alcoholic? Perhaps. Where as I can go without drinking for a long time and then binge drink heavily and feel awful for a week which is definitely less healthy. It seems that problem drinkers have personality traits, genetic codes, and behavioral tendencies towards problem drinking. I sometimes forget a that I can't drink. My mind somehow conveniently forgets, everytime! What the hell is that about? How can our minds override a powerful learned response that drinking = misery ?

slangking

Im in a similar situation. This world cup has made being sober a right misery to be honest. Normally I would be out in the pub getting obliterated but I've severed ties with all my old friends so stayed in and watch it. Gutted England have to done so well to be honest, makes me feel bitter that everyone is out having fun when I've decided to stop drinking. I don't mind being sober most of the time and quite like it, but this sober has made it quite depressing.

slangking

When england went through I was really tempted to just go and have a few cans, see how it effects me. I could hear everyone going mad, celebrating and I felt completely left out. I've been sober for a year and a half, what made me stop was the fact that I can't stop once I've started . Ended turning into a bit of a horrible habit etc. I've been thinking of going back to alcohol, I know ultimately it will just f--k my life even more than it already has.

Dee74

Hi slangking

for me I not only had to get sober, but I also had to build a sober life I loved. I dunno what that would mean for you but to my mind recovery shouldn;t be miserable. Human nature wants to step up to something better, not down.

What other things have you changed besides just not drinking?

D

George89

Hi guys, wanted to give a little update on myself if you don't mind. I'm grateful for this space to be honest. Its incredible how in this big world, I sometimes feel like there are very few friends that I could speak to and explain that I'm struggling with alcohol.

Not that I don't have empathatic friends, but I don't think I have anyone that really understands that gravity of alcoholism. I realised recently that for the first time, I am under no social pressure to drink. But I somehow find a way to drink. I convince myself more often then being peer pressured.

I convince myself that a few won't hurt. But you know what? They do. That's the lie I have been telling myself for a long time. That I'll be alright on just a few. That's the problem with my friends. I don't know anyone who gets as effected as me after drinking 1-3 drinks, so no one can properly emphathise. They will just say 'you're over thinking it' 'it's fine man' '1 drink won't hurt' etc. They can't fathom my own subjective experience of how alcohol ***** me. I guess only you guys can.

I have been tapering for the last few weeks. One drink here, two or three there. The weird thing is that it often completely messes with my mood, my energy levels, my sleep pattern..

I had three glasses of red wine at my Mum's house all by myself on Saturday evening. I had told myself there was something 'cosy' about it. The next morning, I was hit with this abject depression, it was horrible. I felt lower then low. Maybe not physically hungover but I felt like I was in a mental realm of hell. It was quite a horrible feeling. I went on a jog after lunch on Sunday, and despite feeling exhuasted during the jog, I finally climbed out of the depressive episode afterwards.

Then, I have been feeling tired today, a bit more then usual for a Monday morning. The worst part was getting to my climbing gym tonight, but not being able to shake of the fatigue. I just felt exhausted. I just gave up after about 15 minutes. I'm absolutely sure its the alcohol. I can see the cause and effect so clearly now.

That from only three glasses on a Saturday night. I guess what I struggle with is that my family members seem to be able to drink three glasses of wine and be absolutely fine. But I get effected and that makes me question it. Why do I get effected by just a few glasses when my family members don't? I guess I want or wish I could drink like them without causing me too many problems.

The reality is, somehow my body produces what could be called some sort of allergic response to alcohol. I get tiredness, low mood, feeling ******. Even after two days! I mean what the hell! That seems like an extreme reaction to me, but thats simply how my body seems to react to it.

I managed to do six months of no drinking. I want to go back to it. I'm struggling to own my sobriety right now though. Even though I know this **** is so bad for me, I'm not quite ready to get sober. I mean I want to, but there is this addictive part of me that wants more. It's quite a horrible feeling. I think a large part of me wants to consider myself 'normal' and able to drink a couple of drinks, and so I want to pretend like I don't have a problem. But I keep on getting these bad reactions, and I can't go on like this anymore.

The truth is, I want to get sober. But I don't know where to start. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next few weeks.

HTown

First thing is admiting you have a problem. Truly admiting to yourself you cannot drink like other people. It sounds as if you are starting to believe that, but you do not want it to be true.

I totally get that. It is scary to think about never drinking again. Really scary and depressing in its own way. But the truth is, it is not scary. Alcohol is not a reward. It is not a privelage. It isn’t something to mourn losing. That is all just lies. Alcohol is a lie and it is slowly killing you just like it was slowly killing me.

Absolutely I had to admit I could no longer drink. Absolutely I was pissed, sad, not at all happy about it. I love alcohol. Love getting drunk. But it was destroying me, my relationships, my health. The shame and guilt were overwhelming.

Not anymore, best thing I ever did for me was stopping drinking. I am so much happier. Tons and tons happier. I just had to never pick up the first drink and I just did that every day. It was hard, not going to lie, but it is not hard now.

least

To succeed at sobriety, you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink.

Arpeggioh

I totally agree that acceptance of your intolerance for alcohol is the first and most important step to take. It can suck, and make you sad or angry about the unfairness of it, but the sooner you accept that drinking just isn't an option for you, the easier your decision to quit will become. An allergy is a fine way to look at it: if peanuts made your face swell and your throat close up, you'd have to accept that you can't eat peanuts anymore!

The effects of alcohol in your life are extremely negative. It's not a happy, fun substance that you're going to have to give up, it's misery and shame and sickness. All of us have drank past the point of "just a few to relax;" we crossed a line, and we can't go back to our pre-allergy days. Face this important fact, and don't drink today. Don't worry about the weeks ahead, future situations, imagined feelings of missing out on something fun...it's not fun anymore. We all know just how "not fun" it really is, and we got your back. Keep us posted...

George89

Arpeggioh,

Thanks for your comments. You are completely right. I was curious, do you know what I mean about allergy-like effects? It sounds like for those of us that drunk to much, or started to become closer to alcoholism, that it started to have that negative effect?

Its hard to completely say. In other words, on one level, I have this psycohological addiction to alcohol. On another level, I also have this very negative reaction to alcohol that causes this lag effect in my mind and body, even after just one drink.

I wonder whether the two are related? Either way, the fact that I'm not stopping despite of having these bad reactions, shows that I do have an addiction, and that secondly it's not worth drinking anymore.

I guess I have been holding on to this story that 'moderation' is ok. And that I should be 'allowed' to drink 1-2-3 drinks. But no, I really can't!

I've been feeling quite tired and groggy in the evenings since Saturday when I drank 3 glasses of red wine. For what its worth, I haven't actually drunk red wine in over a year I think - so perhaps the particular make up and tannins /sulpher in red wine has been related to this extra tiredness I have been feeling. I can't say whether it's actually causation or just coincidence, but I know that from the last few weeks/months of 'experimenting' (A funny experiment to repeat the same test over and over getting the same results...!)

...but I know that even one drink seems to have a noticable negative effect on my body and brain. I'm getting to accept that I can't drink. At all. I need to make a serious plan now for getting away from alcohol, for good.

Thanks everyone for being here, listening to me, and providing me with your time. It's so invaluable and I appreciate it so much

BullDog777

It sounds like you're still trying to bargain you're way through this. There's no bargaining with this illness.

It robs you of everything eventually. That's a fact.

Your original post really kinda bothered me when I read it. It sounds like you're trying to get the reasons why your memory sucks and why you feel like crap than how to stop it.

Right now...maybe you're not as far down as you can go and you have options, but those too will vanish the longer you take to analyze the where, when and why. It's all BS.

In the end you'll just end up like the rest of us if you don't stop.

Morally, financially and emotionally FU$KED with a capital F.

I hope that doesn't happen to you.

My best advise...stop trying to think your way through this.

The journey all starts the same for every one of us.
One day at a time.

George89

That's very true, thank you. I guess, I've been trying to rationalise for too long. That's my addiction talking I guess. Perhaps somehow the argument followed to its logical conclusion is that if I could somehow solve the why - or perhaps more accurately the why me - then I could somehow still drink, which is ********. There is nothing to solve. The only solution is to go sober, and I damn well know it.

There is still this part of me that I can't shake off - that wants to pretend that I can still drink moderately, or wont be effected a few drinks. That's the part I need to face up to. I need to seek some kind of real help to face my addiction. The scariest thing about alcohol is how insidious the addiction is. Maybe only other alcoholics will know what I mean. It's there but its a part of you, you can't work out whether its your mind playing tricks on you or whether its the addiction.

I could never rationalise taking cocaine or other drugs like I can with alcohol. I always knew that was some bad ****. But alcohol, god, we're bombared with all these reasons to drink. All these social signs and cues that it's good for us, that its heathy even. And I think that goes someway to ******* us up. We have this brainwashed vision that its good no matter what, no matter how terrible it makes us feel. I guess again, there goes my addiction speaking..Like I said, its a scary thing