zjw

yest on the way home I wrecked my car with my 2 daughters in the car. we hit out heads and went to the ER everyone is fine thankfully. In the midst of it all I really dunno what happened it all happened so fast and i'm so stressed out i gotta wonder maybe it was my fault maybe iw asnt paying attention casue my mind is elsewhere all the time. heck when my wife rides with me shes always screaming at me for not paying attention to the road. I told her last night that maybe i just shouldnt be driving. for a long time now cognitively i've been having issues. I struggle to put throughts together and think through ****. I've been complaining baout it for at least a year even cried fo rhelp and i get in reply "i dunno what you want me to do" so i just keep moving forward and try to smile even tho I feel like somethings wrong.

It scared me yest. then of course in the ER whos your employer "i'm unemployed" whatws your insurance "i dont have none" doctor barely looked at me probably casue i got no money and well screw him. Then everyoine was rushing me out of there and i was just confused now I gotta wonder what if somethign worse is wrong with me how would i know?

at the accident i just kinda spun in circles clueless what to do. trying to tend to my kids trying to get the officer what he needed.

I dont even know where my car is I have to try and hunt that down today.

The upside is it was the one car i had payments on and i kinda hope they total it so i can be out of the car withut a repo. That would raelly be a blessing in disguise at this point in my life. I cant afford the car anyhow so what do i care. My wife doesnt share the same view point and feels its a step back for us. I'm like we took that step back when i lost my job!.

being unemployed and just an obstacle around every corner. i'm desperately trying to remain upbeat about it all. everyone keeps saying be positive. I'm charging forward with this one business and to be honest i'm terrified and wanna stop but everyones pushing me saying keep going keep going so i'm just blindly listening to them and throwing all my judgement and worry out the window as best i can as it seems like i'm the only one worried.

then last night as i laid in bed I thought. ya know I feel as if no matter how hard i try destinany just want to send my life down the ******* one way or the other. either i drink my self to death or a serious of unfortunate events that i have no control over are going to do it to me. I thought I might as well just go to the ******* liquor store and drink again wtf difference does it make.

thats why i'm posting. I know its probably jsut another bad day. and my life lately is jut really one day at a time. I have no idea whatws going on in my life its so incredibly out of control right now. I'm just trying to hold on.

biminiblue

I'm glad you and your daughters weren't seriously injured.

That must have been scary.

Give yourself a couple days to recoup, it's all going to fall into place one way or another.

steve-in-kville

I've had entire weeks where it was one bad thing after another. Almost like it just wouldn't stop, like there was someone out there conspiring against me and my family. I've been there, both as a drunk and sober.

The same bad stuff still happens, drunk or sober. Difference is, when I was drinking, I just waited for the next bad thing to happen and would burry it with liquor, only to have the same problem snowball later.

Sober, I am able to face things head on and deal with it. Yes, my nerves still get rattled from time to time (I have four teenagers in the house!!) but I don't burry it anymore.

My prayers and thoughts to you.

zjw

biminiblue thats the problem. I'm so stressed out i need some time to calm my crap back down and collect myself. but life has to go on. Like i said its so out of control i'm just trying to hold on.

after the accident i got home hopped in another car with all the kids and went somewhere and there was not enough working seatbelts. my wife almost killed me. I said i know but i wanted to be with them they wanted to go with me what choice did i have. she screamed at me etc.. but i'm not thinking clearly which might be why the accident happened to begin with. then later back in the car again to the tore. I got confused twice and didnt know where i was then i got in the store and was spinning in circles wondering why iw as there.

then i drove home. I'm an ******* but someone had to go to the store. if i sit around and say maybe i shoudltnt go i get told i'm being negative or i'm a wuss or something. so i just charged forward anyhow and handled things as best i could even tho yeah at this point i'm a friggen safety hazzard.

zjw

i just wanna get up each day hang with my kids go running eat bananas. make money doing something I enjoy and then hang with my kids some more and go to bed. *sigh*. it doesnt seem like too much to ask but apparently....

zjw

I knwo what you mean steve. at times life knocks you down runs you over then while yoru laying there begging for mercy it comes over and kicks you in the teeth. Oddly i dont feel that its that bad at the moment ::looks over shoulder:: but yes it feels like the universe is conspireing against you or something.

ScottFromWI

I'm glad you are OK after the accident ZJW, that's enough to make anyone worry themselves sick.

It sounds like you do need to just sit and take a breath - you are going 100 miles a minute and you are going to make yourself sick. Doesn't really matter what anyone else says or calls you....just breathe. You need to be there for others so you need to make sure you are OK first. I am not sure if you have ever tried meditation or not, but it really helped me with my anxiety. I would get ultra wound up about things and it would all eventually come crashing down, so being able to set aside time for me every day just to relax for a few minutes really made a ton of difference.

Wholesome

Really glad everyone was ok, that's the most important thing.

You do seem to be having a string of bad luck though....

Nothing to be done though except keep going and keep trying. After life drop kicks you down, you've got to get back up and go another round lol, come up swinging!

Stayingsassy

Hey zjw. I'm so sorry things are going south for you.

This may be way out of line but you mentioned recently you had gone vegan. I don't know if that was a financial or moral reason but if it was just health related make sure you are getting enough quality protein. If you can't afford better meats , eggs are cheap but you have to remember to get enough iron.

Vegans can manage but they have to be extremely careful If they are not using supplements.

Anemia and low nutrition can cause light headedness, confusion and low energy. something to think about...or maybe I am way off base, also stretching rules (sorry.). Doctors don't always note things like this at the hospital although they do typically run labs at the ER. Did they run your labs?

zjw

Sometimes there’s not even time for meditation tho. I know make time but life’s happening to fast for me right now like I said I’m just trying to hold on.

I know bilijean I just gotta get up and keep moving forward wtf other choice is there it’s just hard is all and I wanna toss in the towel but that’s not even an option.

As far as my labs go and low iron and all. Last time I had labs done they where awesome. This hospital bare looked at me prolly cause I had no insurance didn’t run labs I guess no reason too. Low iron is a very real thing for me because I run so much so I’m pretty good about keeping an eye on my iron intake. Been at this vegan thing for like 5 years and feel awesome not gonna change that part.

steve-in-kville

Hang in there and keep your head up! Go for a run and sweat it out. The humidity broke finally here in our parts so you won't risk heat exhaustion...

Dee74

I'm glad you and your daughters are ok zjw.

D

zjw

i read something this morning that basicly said not to look out at the horizon just worry about the next step and focus on only that. I think thats my problem i just got so much going on and i'm focused on all of it and my heads just spinning. My minds taking me for a ride and I dont like it. I gotta try and get a handle on this before i end up at the funny farm. Tho sometimes that soiunds appealing *sigh*

yinzer

Sounds like you have to MAKE time for meditation or something to relax you like Scott says. I find that when I get over stressed, my mind gets haywire too. Being unemployed must be hard on you but don’t let it overtake your mental well being.

Life deals us some crappy blows sometimes. Be thankful your daughters are ok, and that you have daughters to enjoy.

biminiblue

I notice that you post these stressed posts in the mornings. I have a lot of morning anxiety too - always have. I have to catch it right away and change my focus or I go down every fear rabbit-hole there is.

For me, setting intention first thing in the morning is key. Before I even get out of bed. I acknowledge the physical jumpiness and say, "It's okay, it will be okay."

I have to specifically address my speedy thoughts in the morning or they run away from me. I have prayers I say to straighten out my thinking, but any goal-setting, intention-setting exercise would likely work better than allowing these thoughts to become the start of the day.

Have you ever tried running first thing? Like get out of bed and put on the shoes and head out right away - before coffee, before anything else? Morning exercise really helps me. Even 50 jumping jacks or pushups or shadow boxing. I'll say, "My thoughts are unmanageable. Please straighten out my thinking," while doing it.

But at my age I'm just glad I wake up in the morning.

Sober369

I would be really concerned about the memory and judgment lapses. I know you said you don't have insurance, but can you go to a health clinic of some sort and get it checked out?
If you are driving to a store where you are familiar with the route and you get lost, that's a red flag. Getting to the store and not knowing where you are or why you're there is another one. Putting your children in a car with no seatbelts directly after a crash, and when you are feeling confused is another.
I hope I don't sound judgmental, that's not how I mean it at all. I work with people who have memory and other cognitive issues and am just concerned about you. There are ways to help, but you first have to find out what's wrong.

biminiblue

I'm gonna ask the obvious question...have you been taking anything to try to calm you down lately? I know you said you were now selling cannabis oil as a side business and you have been talking about needing "something"? Have you been self-medicating?

Stayingsassy

Deficiencies that cause memory loss, brain fog and concentration lapses:

-bioavailable protein
-zinc
-iron
-B vitamins

All a challenge to meet on a vegan diet. It takes years some times for symptoms to show up with dietary deficiencies.

Even meat, poultry or seafood just once per week can meet the need, but never eating it can cause health problems.

Think of human societies around the world: none of them are completely vegan, even if it's grubs or bugs that are consumed in between. Hindi cultures come close but don't often completely eliminate animal protein.

It's tough to override an animal's natural diet and thrive. We've been omnivores since we first existed on this blue planet.

At the very least consider b-12 shots.

Other signs of deficiency: changes in urine color, dry skin, cracks at the corners of your mouth, abdominal pain that comes and goes, dry mouth, patches on skin, sleep disturbances, pale skin and pale mucous membranes, shortness of breath, hair loss, nails breaking, infections and illnesses that don't resolve quickly, wounds that take a long time to heal.

Vegan diets are great for weight loss but a person cannot eat casually and supplements must be taken.

zjw

Nah I’m not self medicating Bimini I have tried running first thing it’s very hard for me to do it but I enjoy it when I do my main issue is most of the morning I’m um taking care of toilet needs I’d hate to be out on a run and have to go lol. TMI but you asked lol.

Sassy I take b12 regularly and upon a rare occasion I might eat meat I usually always feel awful after and am reminded why I don’t eat meat. I don’t want to squabble over diets but there are lots of long term happy healthy vegans. I’m pretty fit and in awesome shape I watch my diet like a hawk I think I got a handle on that but I do appreciate your concern.

I’ve been feeling kinda sick today which was a good think it forced me to relax some something I really needed to do and I got a few chores done too so I don’t feel like I wasted my time.

I have too much rattleing around in my head and I just struggle to keep up. I got 6 kids etc so my life is super stressful I think most don’t quite understand how tough it can be having 6 kids etc.

zjw

It is concerning I’m glad you see this most people,just tell me oh life is hard your fine meanwhile I am spooked! I’m not sure where to begin to figure out what’s up. I honestly think I have too much to handle and I need to simplify things and get things to levels that I can find manageable. I am ok with that approach but those around me expect a lost more out of me and that’s where this has become problematic for me. I try to explain to my wife I can only take on so much and I get this attitude back like I need to buck up and get over myself meanwhile I’m doing crazy crap like the above as I run around like a chicken with my head cut off.

I talked to my wife about it and she said she’d do more driving if I didn’t feel up to it and all course the very next day she’s complaining about having to drive and I thinking ugg I should just drive I guess even tho I don’t feel up to it when she acts like that I feel pressured to take on more then I can handle.

I’m going to try and take a step back I have been trying to fit some new stuff into my routine and maybe it’s getting too much again but I gotta make an income here geeze I got kids to feed.