Im 3+ years sober (alcohol), and my wife is hiding drinking. Advice?
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Join Date: Jun 2018
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Im 3+ years sober (alcohol), and my wife is hiding drinking. Advice?
Hello. I'm new here, so I apologize in advance if this is posted in a poor spot. If there is a better area, can a mod please move it.
TLDR: Im sober 3+years. My wife is hiding drinking and lying to me about it recently. Its the dishonesty that bothers me, not the drinking.
I am 3+ years sober from alcohol. As time has gone by, I have been less and less affected by people drinking around me. I currently hang out with friends and family who are drinking (around the pool, dinner parties, etc.) and have no issue or temptations. I never want or plan to drink again. I'm lucky to have this feeling.
A little about my wife: She never has had a problem drinking (as far as I know) or other drugs. She does have a spending addiction that we are working through, but things have been good on that front. About a half-year in to sobriety I began letting my wife know that its OK if she wants to have a glass of wine with dinner, or with my family around the pool, etc. She would take me up on the offer sometimes and other times simply say no thanks. However, recently she has started hiding and lying about the drinking. I have caught her 3 times acting a little "too happy" in the past month and each time asked if she had a drink earlier. She said no. I would push and say "honesty is the more important thing to me...as you know, drinking doesn't bother me, but why would you be hiding it?" After a LOT of pushing back and forth (verbally), she would either admit that she had "a glass of wine", or i would smell her breath, or find an empty cup with a wine smell.
I truly believe that she is only having a small amount to drink. Its the dishonesty that bothers me. She knows that I don't care about her having a drink or two. So why is she lying and hiding it now? The last episode happened today. It was obvious she was drinking and she totally denied it. I said OK, since you aren't coming clean this time, would you mind taking a breathalyzer . She accepted and we literally got in the car and drove to take a breathalyzer and she was denying it the whole way. Unfortunately, the place was closed. But, when we got home she was acting weird near her pool bag. I looked in it, found a cup smelling of wine. At that point she admitted to drinking.
Her reasoning for each of these episodes is because she doesn't want to tempt me, or look bad in my eyes. I could understand that maybe in the beginning, but not where I thought we were currently.
Could this be early signs of her spending addiction being filled with alcohol now?
How should I handle this?
Are there any good sources out there for this situation? Books? I googled but there is so much clutter to filter.
T.I.A. - BluegrassDude
TLDR: Im sober 3+years. My wife is hiding drinking and lying to me about it recently. Its the dishonesty that bothers me, not the drinking.
I am 3+ years sober from alcohol. As time has gone by, I have been less and less affected by people drinking around me. I currently hang out with friends and family who are drinking (around the pool, dinner parties, etc.) and have no issue or temptations. I never want or plan to drink again. I'm lucky to have this feeling.
A little about my wife: She never has had a problem drinking (as far as I know) or other drugs. She does have a spending addiction that we are working through, but things have been good on that front. About a half-year in to sobriety I began letting my wife know that its OK if she wants to have a glass of wine with dinner, or with my family around the pool, etc. She would take me up on the offer sometimes and other times simply say no thanks. However, recently she has started hiding and lying about the drinking. I have caught her 3 times acting a little "too happy" in the past month and each time asked if she had a drink earlier. She said no. I would push and say "honesty is the more important thing to me...as you know, drinking doesn't bother me, but why would you be hiding it?" After a LOT of pushing back and forth (verbally), she would either admit that she had "a glass of wine", or i would smell her breath, or find an empty cup with a wine smell.
I truly believe that she is only having a small amount to drink. Its the dishonesty that bothers me. She knows that I don't care about her having a drink or two. So why is she lying and hiding it now? The last episode happened today. It was obvious she was drinking and she totally denied it. I said OK, since you aren't coming clean this time, would you mind taking a breathalyzer . She accepted and we literally got in the car and drove to take a breathalyzer and she was denying it the whole way. Unfortunately, the place was closed. But, when we got home she was acting weird near her pool bag. I looked in it, found a cup smelling of wine. At that point she admitted to drinking.
Her reasoning for each of these episodes is because she doesn't want to tempt me, or look bad in my eyes. I could understand that maybe in the beginning, but not where I thought we were currently.
Could this be early signs of her spending addiction being filled with alcohol now?
How should I handle this?
Are there any good sources out there for this situation? Books? I googled but there is so much clutter to filter.
T.I.A. - BluegrassDude
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR BluegrassDude and congrats on 3 years sober! . The dishonesty is certainly a red flag, think back to when you were drinking - were you 100% honest about it? I know I wasn't - I tried to hide my drinking from everyone - but as you are noticing now via your wife, it's really impossible to hide it. The amount she's drinking really isn't even all that relevant - it causing her to be dishonest and also affecting your relationship in a negative way, so it's a problem of some kind no doubt.
Alcoholism can be progressive to - AKA those who did not have a big problem with it for most of their lives can all of a sudden start to have a big problem.
As far as what you should "do" - as you likely know from your history there's not much you can do to change her mind. She will have to do that herself. It's certainly not a problem to ask, but as you are already seeing it might cause her to lash out at you if you question her drinking, which in itself is also a red flag for addiction.
We do have a friends and family section here which you might find useful, and if you are looking for local support for yourself there are support groups that focus on the families of addicts. You could consider marriage counseling too if you are unable to solve your differences together.
Alcoholism can be progressive to - AKA those who did not have a big problem with it for most of their lives can all of a sudden start to have a big problem.
As far as what you should "do" - as you likely know from your history there's not much you can do to change her mind. She will have to do that herself. It's certainly not a problem to ask, but as you are already seeing it might cause her to lash out at you if you question her drinking, which in itself is also a red flag for addiction.
We do have a friends and family section here which you might find useful, and if you are looking for local support for yourself there are support groups that focus on the families of addicts. You could consider marriage counseling too if you are unable to solve your differences together.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
Welcome to the family. 
The fact that she's lying about it and hiding it is a big red flag.
She might be drinking more and ashamed of it so hiding/lying.
I would suggest you get some support for yourself. AlAnon might be good and our friends and family forum could offer you more perspectives to consider.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
PS; I'm not a dude, but I like bluegrass too.
Bela Fleck is a favorite of mine, among others.
The fact that she's lying about it and hiding it is a big red flag.
She might be drinking more and ashamed of it so hiding/lying. I would suggest you get some support for yourself. AlAnon might be good and our friends and family forum could offer you more perspectives to consider.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
PS; I'm not a dude, but I like bluegrass too.
Bela Fleck is a favorite of mine, among others. 
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
Welcome bluegrass, hi I'm Wayne.
I really wouldn't place to much stock in this. Just ask her, how much are you drinking and do you feel you have a problem with alcohol? Perhaps she really is trying to keep it from you to avoid looking weak since you quit now. I would tell her do your thing and don't lie to me. Just go a couple of months and see if it stops. If it gets worse take action. If it stops then all the better.
I hope this helps. Congrats on 3 years sobriety, that's AWESOME!!
I really wouldn't place to much stock in this. Just ask her, how much are you drinking and do you feel you have a problem with alcohol? Perhaps she really is trying to keep it from you to avoid looking weak since you quit now. I would tell her do your thing and don't lie to me. Just go a couple of months and see if it stops. If it gets worse take action. If it stops then all the better.
I hope this helps. Congrats on 3 years sobriety, that's AWESOME!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 539
This is hard for me to write because it is very much my story. I may have some insight. My husband and I used to drink together. We drank too much. It progressed into full blown alcoholism for him and he lost his job. It got worse. I begged him to stop. He went through in patient detox a couple of times. He called me a hypocrite for drinking and asking him to stop. So I stopped. I went 3 years no drinking cold turkey. During this time my husband made some real attempts that lasted varying lengths of time. He seemed to be really sound with his sobriety for a year. He got an amazing high level job. Then secretly began drinking and it progressed rapidly. I begged him to stop. It ended with 2 DUIs within 24 hours when I was out of town. He lost his awesome job. He was devastated. He needed help. I had him hospitalized for suicide ideation.
He entered an intensive out patient program, we handled the DUIs with a great lawyer. He worked his program, got an AA sponsor and a new job in another city. We lived apart for about 9 months during the week and he drove home on the weekends with one of those breathalyzers. When we got to the end of the school year and he was still sober and determined to keep working his program, I agreed to move with the kids. Around this time, he told me he did not want me to stop drinking for him. He worried that I would resent him or drink quietly behind his back. He did not want that. I was 3 years sober now and he was 1. I decided I could return to drinking.
For the last 7 years I have openly had drinks in front of him. There have been some issues, not many, when I could tell he was disapproving. He never said anything directly. There were subtle things. I did not like feeling like he was counting my drinks. I remember him saying a few times, "You're having another wine?" Also when there were spirits in the house after company visited, I would make a cocktail. He would raise his eyebrows and quietly shake his head when I would make a drink. He was never disapproving when company came and I drank. He would understandably go to bed if he thought we were all drinking a bit too much. I usually took that as my cue and went to bed.
He is quietly judgmental about acceptable drinking levels. I just cannot enjoy alcohol while he is watching. I am certain it is because I KNOW I am drinking too much. I know he is paying attention to how many refills I am getting. I am certain your wife is feeling the same way. She knows it is okay in theory for her to drink. She also knows you are aware of how many drinks she is having and very sensitive to what she is having.
One time my husband challenged me the same way you challenged your wife and asked me if I was drinking. I said yes, I am sorry I know I have had too much. He made me show him where I was keeping it. I felt like a child. That led to me going deep under cover and never let him discover me again. Although you say you are okay with her drinking, you drove her to get a breathalyzer. I understand your anger, but I am telling you that would make me hide it more.
Your wife sounds a lot like me. She wants to get buzzed. I didn't just want to enjoy the taste of two glasses of wine. I wanted a buzz and that was taking more wine than he approved of, so I hid it. I used to buy wine for Friday and Saturday evening only. After the last Christmas season, I wanted to drink beyond the weekend sometimes, I switched to vodka because it did not smell as much. I just poured it in my soda can.
Over the last month my drinking escalated to almost every night and I knew I had to put the breaks on. I quit 24 days ago. He does not know I quit and he does not know how much I was drinking either. I don't want him involved in my decision. If I make a final decision that this is going to be forever, then I will involve him. I am not quite there yet.
Now what to do? I really don't know what my husband could have done to make me more forthcoming with my drinking. One thing, don't get into this when she is drinking. She will be buzzed and on the defensive. You know that you were dishonest when you were an active drinker. You need to stop being hurt by the fact that she is dishonest as an active drinker. It goes with the territory.One of my reasons for quitting is the dishonesty was killing me. I hated hiding my drinks from him.
Maybe ask her if she is feeling like I was and what you can do to make her more comfortable drinking openly in front of you? I fear that she may be hiding the progressive levels of her drinking just like I was. You might suggest that instead of hiding her drinks that she start to record her drinking for herself so she can decide if she is escalating.
Good luck and I hope this gives you some insight into what is going on. I feel like I have high jacked your thread but I have sort of lived the life you want to understand.
He entered an intensive out patient program, we handled the DUIs with a great lawyer. He worked his program, got an AA sponsor and a new job in another city. We lived apart for about 9 months during the week and he drove home on the weekends with one of those breathalyzers. When we got to the end of the school year and he was still sober and determined to keep working his program, I agreed to move with the kids. Around this time, he told me he did not want me to stop drinking for him. He worried that I would resent him or drink quietly behind his back. He did not want that. I was 3 years sober now and he was 1. I decided I could return to drinking.
For the last 7 years I have openly had drinks in front of him. There have been some issues, not many, when I could tell he was disapproving. He never said anything directly. There were subtle things. I did not like feeling like he was counting my drinks. I remember him saying a few times, "You're having another wine?" Also when there were spirits in the house after company visited, I would make a cocktail. He would raise his eyebrows and quietly shake his head when I would make a drink. He was never disapproving when company came and I drank. He would understandably go to bed if he thought we were all drinking a bit too much. I usually took that as my cue and went to bed.
He is quietly judgmental about acceptable drinking levels. I just cannot enjoy alcohol while he is watching. I am certain it is because I KNOW I am drinking too much. I know he is paying attention to how many refills I am getting. I am certain your wife is feeling the same way. She knows it is okay in theory for her to drink. She also knows you are aware of how many drinks she is having and very sensitive to what she is having.
One time my husband challenged me the same way you challenged your wife and asked me if I was drinking. I said yes, I am sorry I know I have had too much. He made me show him where I was keeping it. I felt like a child. That led to me going deep under cover and never let him discover me again. Although you say you are okay with her drinking, you drove her to get a breathalyzer. I understand your anger, but I am telling you that would make me hide it more.
Your wife sounds a lot like me. She wants to get buzzed. I didn't just want to enjoy the taste of two glasses of wine. I wanted a buzz and that was taking more wine than he approved of, so I hid it. I used to buy wine for Friday and Saturday evening only. After the last Christmas season, I wanted to drink beyond the weekend sometimes, I switched to vodka because it did not smell as much. I just poured it in my soda can.
Over the last month my drinking escalated to almost every night and I knew I had to put the breaks on. I quit 24 days ago. He does not know I quit and he does not know how much I was drinking either. I don't want him involved in my decision. If I make a final decision that this is going to be forever, then I will involve him. I am not quite there yet.
Now what to do? I really don't know what my husband could have done to make me more forthcoming with my drinking. One thing, don't get into this when she is drinking. She will be buzzed and on the defensive. You know that you were dishonest when you were an active drinker. You need to stop being hurt by the fact that she is dishonest as an active drinker. It goes with the territory.One of my reasons for quitting is the dishonesty was killing me. I hated hiding my drinks from him.
Maybe ask her if she is feeling like I was and what you can do to make her more comfortable drinking openly in front of you? I fear that she may be hiding the progressive levels of her drinking just like I was. You might suggest that instead of hiding her drinks that she start to record her drinking for herself so she can decide if she is escalating.
Good luck and I hope this gives you some insight into what is going on. I feel like I have high jacked your thread but I have sort of lived the life you want to understand.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Lizajane 
This is hard for me to write because it is very much my story. I may have some insight. My husband and I used to drink together. We drank too much. It progressed into full blown alcoholism for him and he lost his job. It got worse. I begged him to stop. He went through in patient detox a couple of times. He called me a hypocrite for drinking and asking him to stop. So I stopped. I went 3 years no drinking cold turkey. During this time my husband made some real attempts that lasted varying lengths of time. He seemed to be really sound with his sobriety for a year. He got an amazing high level job. Then secretly began drinking and it progressed rapidly. I begged him to stop. It ended with 2 DUIs within 24 hours when I was out of town. He lost his awesome job. He was devastated. He needed help. I had him hospitalized for suicide ideation.
He entered an intensive out patient program, we handled the DUIs with a great lawyer. He worked his program, got an AA sponsor and a new job in another city. We lived apart for about 9 months during the week and he drove home on the weekends with one of those breathalyzers. When we got to the end of the school year and he was still sober and determined to keep working his program, I agreed to move with the kids. Around this time, he told me he did not want me to stop drinking for him. He worried that I would resent him or drink quietly behind his back. He did not want that. I was 3 years sober now and he was 1. I decided I could return to drinking.
For the last 7 years I have openly had drinks in front of him. There have been some issues, not many, when I could tell he was disapproving. He never said anything directly. There were subtle things. I did not like feeling like he was counting my drinks. I remember him saying a few times, "You're having another wine?" Also when there were spirits in the house after company visited, I would make a cocktail. He would raise his eyebrows and quietly shake his head when I would make a drink. He was never disapproving when company came and I drank. He would understandably go to bed if he thought we were all drinking a bit too much. I usually took that as my cue and went to bed.
He is quietly judgmental about acceptable drinking levels. I just cannot enjoy alcohol while he is watching. I am certain it is because I KNOW I am drinking too much. I know he is paying attention to how many refills I am getting. I am certain your wife is feeling the same way. She knows it is okay in theory for her to drink. She also knows you are aware of how many drinks she is having and very sensitive to what she is having.
One time my husband challenged me the same way you challenged your wife and asked me if I was drinking. I said yes, I am sorry I know I have had too much. He made me show him where I was keeping it. I felt like a child. That led to me going deep under cover and never let him discover me again. Although you say you are okay with her drinking, you drove her to get a breathalyzer. I understand your anger, but I am telling you that would make me hide it more.
Your wife sounds a lot like me. She wants to get buzzed. I didn't just want to enjoy the taste of two glasses of wine. I wanted a buzz and that was taking more wine than he approved of, so I hid it. I used to buy wine for Friday and Saturday evening only. After the last Christmas season, I wanted to drink beyond the weekend sometimes, I switched to vodka because it did not smell as much. I just poured it in my soda can.
Over the last month my drinking escalated to almost every night and I knew I had to put the breaks on. I quit 24 days ago. He does not know I quit and he does not know how much I was drinking either. I don't want him involved in my decision. If I make a final decision that this is going to be forever, then I will involve him. I am not quite there yet.
Now what to do? I really don't know what my husband could have done to make me more forthcoming with my drinking. One thing, don't get into this when she is drinking. She will be buzzed and on the defensive. You know that you were dishonest when you were an active drinker. You need to stop being hurt by the fact that she is dishonest as an active drinker. It goes with the territory.One of my reasons for quitting is the dishonesty was killing me. I hated hiding my drinks from him.
Maybe ask her if she is feeling like I was and what you can do to make her more comfortable drinking openly in front of you? I fear that she may be hiding the progressive levels of her drinking just like I was. You might suggest that instead of hiding her drinks that she start to record her drinking for herself so she can decide if she is escalating.
Good luck and I hope this gives you some insight into what is going on. I feel like I have high jacked your thread but I have sort of lived the life you want to understand.
He entered an intensive out patient program, we handled the DUIs with a great lawyer. He worked his program, got an AA sponsor and a new job in another city. We lived apart for about 9 months during the week and he drove home on the weekends with one of those breathalyzers. When we got to the end of the school year and he was still sober and determined to keep working his program, I agreed to move with the kids. Around this time, he told me he did not want me to stop drinking for him. He worried that I would resent him or drink quietly behind his back. He did not want that. I was 3 years sober now and he was 1. I decided I could return to drinking.
For the last 7 years I have openly had drinks in front of him. There have been some issues, not many, when I could tell he was disapproving. He never said anything directly. There were subtle things. I did not like feeling like he was counting my drinks. I remember him saying a few times, "You're having another wine?" Also when there were spirits in the house after company visited, I would make a cocktail. He would raise his eyebrows and quietly shake his head when I would make a drink. He was never disapproving when company came and I drank. He would understandably go to bed if he thought we were all drinking a bit too much. I usually took that as my cue and went to bed.
He is quietly judgmental about acceptable drinking levels. I just cannot enjoy alcohol while he is watching. I am certain it is because I KNOW I am drinking too much. I know he is paying attention to how many refills I am getting. I am certain your wife is feeling the same way. She knows it is okay in theory for her to drink. She also knows you are aware of how many drinks she is having and very sensitive to what she is having.
One time my husband challenged me the same way you challenged your wife and asked me if I was drinking. I said yes, I am sorry I know I have had too much. He made me show him where I was keeping it. I felt like a child. That led to me going deep under cover and never let him discover me again. Although you say you are okay with her drinking, you drove her to get a breathalyzer. I understand your anger, but I am telling you that would make me hide it more.
Your wife sounds a lot like me. She wants to get buzzed. I didn't just want to enjoy the taste of two glasses of wine. I wanted a buzz and that was taking more wine than he approved of, so I hid it. I used to buy wine for Friday and Saturday evening only. After the last Christmas season, I wanted to drink beyond the weekend sometimes, I switched to vodka because it did not smell as much. I just poured it in my soda can.
Over the last month my drinking escalated to almost every night and I knew I had to put the breaks on. I quit 24 days ago. He does not know I quit and he does not know how much I was drinking either. I don't want him involved in my decision. If I make a final decision that this is going to be forever, then I will involve him. I am not quite there yet.
Now what to do? I really don't know what my husband could have done to make me more forthcoming with my drinking. One thing, don't get into this when she is drinking. She will be buzzed and on the defensive. You know that you were dishonest when you were an active drinker. You need to stop being hurt by the fact that she is dishonest as an active drinker. It goes with the territory.One of my reasons for quitting is the dishonesty was killing me. I hated hiding my drinks from him.
Maybe ask her if she is feeling like I was and what you can do to make her more comfortable drinking openly in front of you? I fear that she may be hiding the progressive levels of her drinking just like I was. You might suggest that instead of hiding her drinks that she start to record her drinking for herself so she can decide if she is escalating.
Good luck and I hope this gives you some insight into what is going on. I feel like I have high jacked your thread but I have sort of lived the life you want to understand.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by waynetheking
Welcome bluegrass, hi I'm Wayne.
I really wouldn't place to much stock in this. Just ask her, how much are you drinking and do you feel you have a problem with alcohol? Perhaps she really is trying to keep it from you to avoid looking weak since you quit now. I would tell her do your thing and don't lie to me. Just go a couple of months and see if it stops. If it gets worse take action. If it stops then all the better.
I hope this helps. Congrats on 3 years sobriety, that's AWESOME!!
I really wouldn't place to much stock in this. Just ask her, how much are you drinking and do you feel you have a problem with alcohol? Perhaps she really is trying to keep it from you to avoid looking weak since you quit now. I would tell her do your thing and don't lie to me. Just go a couple of months and see if it stops. If it gets worse take action. If it stops then all the better.
I hope this helps. Congrats on 3 years sobriety, that's AWESOME!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by least
Welcome to the family.
The fact that she's lying about it and hiding it is a big red flag. She might be drinking more and ashamed of it so hiding/lying.
I would suggest you get some support for yourself. AlAnon might be good and our friends and family forum could offer you more perspectives to consider.
PS; I'm not a dude, but I like bluegrass too. Bela Fleck is a favorite of mine, among others.
The fact that she's lying about it and hiding it is a big red flag.
She might be drinking more and ashamed of it so hiding/lying. I would suggest you get some support for yourself. AlAnon might be good and our friends and family forum could offer you more perspectives to consider.
PS; I'm not a dude, but I like bluegrass too.
Bela Fleck is a favorite of mine, among others. However, there is ofcourse the other view and concern: maybe she is in fact hiding and lying because its a problem. Just like how I once started down the slippery slope.
Thanks again for the reply
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
I'd be concerned about the hiding also, because if you already told her to go ahead and have one in front of you, it means she's having more than you would approve of. Hiding booze is normal to me, I've hid booze since my teens from my parents, but there is nothing normal about my drinking!
thing is, whether she drinks a little, a lot, hides it, or whatever: you can't change it, only she can. I'm afraid if you've already asked and she's still hiding, you'll have to stop asking, wait it out, and hope for the best. Do the driving whenever you can while you figure out the extent of her problem.
thing is, whether she drinks a little, a lot, hides it, or whatever: you can't change it, only she can. I'm afraid if you've already asked and she's still hiding, you'll have to stop asking, wait it out, and hope for the best. Do the driving whenever you can while you figure out the extent of her problem.
Pastafarian
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 122
I think you are in the trap of thinking you can control this situation. Control another person. A lot of people will say you can't control another person. That is partly true but I know from my own experience that you can exert some degree of control or influence over other people. So you may be tempted to try to control her by expressing disapproval.
However, in this case, with addiction, you really can not control her. Like LizaJ said, you are just going to drive your wife deeper underground with it. Or else, if she just isn't able to fool you, as you say, then she will eventually begin to resent and even hate you for your attempts to control her. You might eventually be giving her an excuse to drink more. "That dam controlling Bluegrassdude! I'll show him, I'll have another right now!"
I'd say you have two choices here.
Accept that she is going to drink till she reaches the point, on her own, where she wants to quit. And this includes accepting that she may never reach that point. Stop giving her disapproval and give her love and acceptance instead.
Or you can leave her. It might be the type of negative consequence that she needs to realize she has a problem that she wants to work on. But don't leave her for that reason, if you leave. Leave bc her behaviour is a deal breaker to you. If it is a deal breaker. It may not be that bad yet. It may not ever get there. But leaving should be one of the options in your tool belt.
However, in this case, with addiction, you really can not control her. Like LizaJ said, you are just going to drive your wife deeper underground with it. Or else, if she just isn't able to fool you, as you say, then she will eventually begin to resent and even hate you for your attempts to control her. You might eventually be giving her an excuse to drink more. "That dam controlling Bluegrassdude! I'll show him, I'll have another right now!"
I'd say you have two choices here.
Accept that she is going to drink till she reaches the point, on her own, where she wants to quit. And this includes accepting that she may never reach that point. Stop giving her disapproval and give her love and acceptance instead.
Or you can leave her. It might be the type of negative consequence that she needs to realize she has a problem that she wants to work on. But don't leave her for that reason, if you leave. Leave bc her behaviour is a deal breaker to you. If it is a deal breaker. It may not be that bad yet. It may not ever get there. But leaving should be one of the options in your tool belt.
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