SickInLove

Or other types of programs? Was it the steps? The support from other? Just having someone to talk to or listen to?

I’m asking this because I’ve been trying to quit drinking for a while now. I’ve had about a month of sobriety each time and then relapsed. This time I just feel like it’s the time for me. I’ve been having terrible stomach problems, I wake up regretting things I’ve said to my husband or family members. I don’t want my kids to see me drunk anymore.. my oldest is 7 and is finally at the age where she knows what alcohol is and when I’m not fully present because I’m drunk.

I have terrible guilt daily because of the mother I’ve become. I recently moved to a new town and it is VERY small. We purchased our first home and I told myself when I moved here I’d do more gardening and outdoor activities. So far I haven’t accomplished anything and it’s been 4 months. I’m sick of wasting my life away and missing out on memories with my kids.

So the point of my first question is that I’m terrified of AA, my town is so small now and everyone knows everyone. There is one elementary school and all of the parents know each other. So I’m wondering what would be my best option as far as support. Because of where I live it’s quite a long drive to see a therapist and I’m not sure if my insurance would cover it.. if they don’t I can’t afford it but I’m willing to do it if that’s the best option. Is there online AA ? I’m not religious at all but I know that is only part of the program. Anyway thanks for welcoming me back to this group, I’m on day 3 and so far feeling ok besides being constantly hungry and having a nagging headache.

Stayingsassy

I can't speak to AA. i did go for awhile. when I quit I was so ready to be done, so completely done with drinking that I didn't care who found out. I cared about my sobriety, period.

You need to look at alcohol like it's got a noose around your child's neck and if you drink, the chair gets kicked over.

That's how badly you need to want it. You need to see it like it's the end. because one month, two months, three months later is when it gets physically easier but mentally harder. You can't just decide to drink a month out. You can get support in AA, but you still need to be done.

go to AA. Read up on rational recovery. Look into addiction therapy. Post your thoughts here every single day, especially when they are creeping back to drinking.

Be done.

Grateful09

You are very thoughtful about what it is you need. Good job keeping at it! Like you, I would make it for a while and then relapse. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I finally got to the point where I had to admit that I didn't have control over my drinking. I had never been to AA, hardly knew anything about AA except that it had 12 steps. I didn't overthink it when I decided to go. A month ago, I found a group and went. And now, 26 days later (tomorrow will be day 26 for me, for the first time), I am still sober.

The people there are not judgmental and they are super supportive. The stories people tell are so helpful. I learn something useful at every meeting that I can apply to stay sober. I can call people when things get tough. I admit I was annoyed at the first meeting with all of the "I'm so and so and I'm an alcoholic," but in time I came to understand how doing this is an antidote to the tremendous lying to ourselves that so many of us do, when we are in the grips of alcohol.

In my area there are many AA groups. I don't know what to tell you about your situation in a small community - I hope that there will be others who can talk about their experience with that. AA is not the only way to be in community with others who desire to quit drinking though. I would suggest, find a group (AA or otherwise) or some support community and go! And stay with it. It made a difference to me, and so many countless others.

And keep coming back here. That made a difference for me too, eventually. In fact, if not for this site, I probably wouldn't have finally gone to AA. I wish you the best, and hang in there!!! Grateful

least

I'm pretty sure there's online AA meetings.

And if you feel like drinking, come here and post instead. We'll try to talk you out of it.

fini

yes, there is AA online.
for me, doing the suggested steps was the most helpful and ultimately why i eventually went. to find a sponsor and do te stuff.
support i could get lots of other places...SR is a good example.
and support is great, but i needed and wnted to change how i lived and approached life and others...that kind of thing.

figure out what you need, what the deired outcome is, and the road ahead will become more apparent.

BullDog777

^ this. follow this and you'll have it. I don't think I've ever read it better.

BDTL

I highly endorse AA as it is doing so much for my sobriety. Being in a small town and everyone knowing you're an alcoholic would be embarrassing however, sometimes you have to come out of your comfort zone to make changes. If you're afraid of what people will say, maybe you are scared to totally commit to your healing. Besides your true friends will stand beside and support you and the busy bodies can just be gone. This is your life we are talking about and you should put it on the highest priority. Screw what others think and get your self on track to being a new you. Fix yourself and a complete you will be the person your family needs. You can do this!

Talkinandwalkin

A lot of the people who visit this site feel it is either AA or nothing. The reality is you have a myriad of choices. Personnally I have yet to attend an AA or any meeting and I am over 3 years sober. I simply used this site, church and self discovery. The main thing is if you do not seriously want sobriety you will have a hard time achieving it. At the end of the day you alone own your sobriety and no other group or organization can lay claim.

biminiblue

I haven't read on this site, "It's AA or nothing." AA has its pros and cons, and some people are more suited to that type of group dynamic than others.

The Program of AA is based on sound spiritual principals that won't lead you down the wrong path. Their material (including the Big Book "Alcoholics Anonymous") is available to read on their website.

I guess you have to go to many meetings, read the material and make your own call on it.

I went for the first three months of sobriety and parts of it were helpful to me. You'll often hear, "Take what you like and leave the rest." I think that's good sound advice no matter where you go in life. It has saved peoples' lives. That's important to remember.

MindfulMan

FWIW, I also get an AA or nothing bias on this site...although there is also a very vocal Rational Recovery faction.

My attitude is whatever works.

AA is readily available and I found the community very helpful in early sobriety. The whole powerlessness and higher power jazz not so much for me.

I’m not big on religion, faith or rules in general.

I just took drinking off the table. Period. But I also did cognitive rehab and individual psychotherapy. I’m having my birthday dinner with friends from both inpatient 12 Step and outpatient dual diagnosis cognitive rehab on Thursday.

Use what resonates. Been sober for 13 months so something is working.

tomsteve

So the point of my first question is that I’m terrified of AA, my town is so small now and everyone knows everyone.

i got sober in small town! it was awesome! awesome to run into members of aa now and then here and there.

What did you find the most helpful about AA?

working the steps. in doing so i was able to see why i was so concerned about what other people thought of me and change.

i now dont give a rats ass who knows im in aa. dont give a rats ass what others say about me.
i dont have low self esteem today. i dont care what others think about me. no more self pity.
i have hope instead of desperation
no regrets only learning experiences.
i dont try and stuff the past or act like it never happened!!, no more," that past is the past let it stay there." i looked at it,learned from it, and no longer haunted by jt- no longer trying to stuff it deeper.
the world no longer controls me.
im useful now!
i can look myself in the mirror
i am at peace with myself.
and the greatest:
the problem with alcohol have been removed. it no longer exists. im not interested in alcohol. i havent sworn off, said never again, promised, or any of that that doesnt work- the problem just doesnt exist any more.

NYCDoglvr

I wouldn't be alive without AA because I can't stop drinking on my own. It's the fellowship and the steps. I still go to meetings 26 years later because I don't want to forget I'm an alcoholic. And, giving service to those with less time is a huge gift.

Stayingsassy

There's a strong AA voice on this site, but I don't feel it is a voice that's negative toward other methods. I think the moderators are very careful to make sure that different methods are not bashed on the site. I read carefully around here and this is a concern of mine.

Why? Ultimately: quitting drinking for good is a mind game. Everyone's mind works differently. One method may work better for a person than another.

But that person knows nothing as long as they are still drinking. Drinking clouds thinking and judgement so severely that there's no way that person can know what will help until they get some sober time.

An open mind is critical. Toward all methods. Also I have not found any method to be ultimately exclusive of another.

Sobriety is the goal. It's life and death. If you come here saying "I won't do this and I won't do that," I see you throwing away a possible lifeline that may keep you from dying or killing someone else in a blackout. It's a mind game, but a deadly serious one. I question who exactly is saying they don't want a certain method: is that you speaking, or your addiction?

uncle holmes

Most helpful about AA? For me it's to pick me up!!! By hearing other peoples experience, strength and hope and me also sharing my experience, strength, and hope, it somehow gives me more strength to stay sober!!!

MindfulMan

Agreed.

I don't think that there are a lot of sobriety methods and recovery groups that are actually harmful. Some are just more effective than others for different people.

Try everything. Dismissal without investigation is silly, and possibly dire in this case. If something doesn't work for you try other options. I do believe that SOME recovery strategy is necessary for continued sobriety.

There really is no wrong answer. Nobody has anything to lose by investigating a particular recovery method. People have a tendency to think whatever worked for them is the best way...this is true for many things in life. We are here to share our experiences. Believe everything you hear, and nothing that you hear. Until you find out for yourself.

OK, off soapbox. What was most important to me in AA/NA/CA in early sobriety was the sense of relief that I wasn't alone. It's one of the few places where an addict can say things like "I was drinking for three days and only went out because I had the shakes real bad. I hit a parked car and took off....and STILL made it to the liquor store and home." Or worse. And people will just nod and tell their stories and say "Yeah, I've done that." It took the shame out of having been an alcoholic for me...shame doesn't motivate me very well. That shame was replaced by the pride that I had turned my back on addiction and didn't need it any more. There is also a certain education about your addiction that you get from AA that you just don't get anywhere else. This was my first attempt to get sober. Step 1 allowed me to realize that I was powerless over alcohol once I took that first drink. Or at least powerless enough that I absolutely cannot do it. Hearing peoples stories and recovery work made me realize that I wasn't above being an addict, far from it, and humble acceptance and gratitude not only would keep me from drinking/using, but also would improve other areas of my life.

I just had a first date with someone and told them my story. They rarely drink. Just never really liked it. Afterwards I jokingly said "Well, that's my deepest darkest secret. What's yours?"

He asked how I knew I was never going to drink again. I just know. It's off the table, and there's no good reason for me ever to drink again. Any slight short term benefits are swamped by the huge sobriety benefits and the huge consequences of where uncontrolled drinking leads me...and controlled drinking ain't even all that.

Now THAT is more a rational recovery/Big Plan strategy, which I read about AFTER I kinda decided that drinking and drugging was just off the table.

But that community, constancy, and humility of AA is hugely valuable. Even though I don't go to meetings and it's not my thing its hugely comforting to know it's there if I need it.

Porcetta

+1
It's a shame it's spread on so thick.
There's a smorgasboard of options out there.

Fly N Buy

AA has three parts which are summed up as Unity, Service and Recovery. My experience has been that these three legs of the stool provide balance and have lead to not just physical sobriety but emotional sobriety as well. For me, they are inseparable.

The fellowship of AA is found in the meetings and where friendships are made, while working the steps is the program. Working the program builds deeper relationships in the fellowship. Those who choose to simply attend meetings typically drop out after a period as they really don't have experience to share about step work - again the program.

Toss a buck in the basket if ya have one and take a chance. You may find the journey you seek.

"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments, and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is contempt prior to investigation."

Glad you posted
Best,
Fly

Fly N Buy

Perhaps it might be helpful to the newcomer to share what has worked for you - maybe one of those options. Good time for our new friend to have a myriad of experiences shared that has worked for others as they specifically asked about other programs as well as AA.

Best,
Fly

Porcetta

Havn't used any 'method' per se, just a combo of willpower, responsibility and accountability -its tough but empowering.

Dee74

I thought Sick In Loves question was great.

When the OP asks

Thats a clear request to share what works.

When people still get caught up in what doesn't work for them, I'm thinking some people must be somehow misreading the question, maybe even intentionally.

If I was looking for help I wouldn't give a crap about what didn't work for someone.

Tell me what works.

If you have something to add to the conversation, add it - if not, move onto another thread.

Dee
Moderator
SR