I'm back and for good reason
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 114
I'm back and for good reason
Hello again.
I will start by saying I've thought about each and every one of you more than I can admit. I was so ashamed of my decision to drink that I couldn't stay. I may have cried when I first logged out of here..
Moderation didn't work. 6 months of trying to drink in moderation miserably failed. I was able to make it a couple of months only drinking a few times a week (4-6 beers) but this ended up turning back into 12, 15 and so on, daily..
I was back where I started, missing work due to being so hungover and just overall feeling sick, guilty and lethargic.
I've recently been getting treatment for the reasons I drink such as anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorders. I'm taking a medication that has slowed my thoughts, cravings and need for alcohol. I still ride past the bar and think "I could stop and grab a beer" but it isn't as intense as before. I feel in control and less compulsive. I understand taking medications is not being sober but honestly I would rather take 2 tiny pills a day than drink myself to death, literally.
In bad news I recently went to the doctors and they noticed my heart is skipping beats every few seconds. They had to put me on a heart monitor for 24 hrs and also ran a full blood panel. I'm someone that eats rather healthy whole foods diet, exercise regularly so I am certain the only thing killing me FAST is alcohol. I actually can feel my heart skipping beats, it's horrifying. I actually think I have almost killed myself by drinking. We will see what the blood results have in store for me. 2016 my liver enzymes were fine and everything else checked out except my cholesterol levels. I was also drinking a lot less heavily back in 2016. I know that the palpitations and weird heart pains were worse after drinking, almost only experienced them days after drinking or while drinking.
I'm only 24 years old I don't think I should be feeling this sick and terrible. I know my brother who is almost 10 years clean stopped drinking when he was 27 due to MANY reasons. Almost killing best friend, liver failing, wife threatening divorce, blacking out on 4 beers, you name it.. I DO NOT want to get to that point. I KNOW that I'm a full blown alcoholic and I cannot just "have one" without that intense overwhelming urge for just one more. I want this to be it or I know I will die before 50 if I'm not already dead before then while being sober.
I just wanted to check in and I plan to see everyone that I failed hopefully still on the wagon. Again I'm sorry for letting everyone down who was rooting for me. You are the only support group I have.
I will start by saying I've thought about each and every one of you more than I can admit. I was so ashamed of my decision to drink that I couldn't stay. I may have cried when I first logged out of here..
Moderation didn't work. 6 months of trying to drink in moderation miserably failed. I was able to make it a couple of months only drinking a few times a week (4-6 beers) but this ended up turning back into 12, 15 and so on, daily..
I was back where I started, missing work due to being so hungover and just overall feeling sick, guilty and lethargic.
I've recently been getting treatment for the reasons I drink such as anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorders. I'm taking a medication that has slowed my thoughts, cravings and need for alcohol. I still ride past the bar and think "I could stop and grab a beer" but it isn't as intense as before. I feel in control and less compulsive. I understand taking medications is not being sober but honestly I would rather take 2 tiny pills a day than drink myself to death, literally.
In bad news I recently went to the doctors and they noticed my heart is skipping beats every few seconds. They had to put me on a heart monitor for 24 hrs and also ran a full blood panel. I'm someone that eats rather healthy whole foods diet, exercise regularly so I am certain the only thing killing me FAST is alcohol. I actually can feel my heart skipping beats, it's horrifying. I actually think I have almost killed myself by drinking. We will see what the blood results have in store for me. 2016 my liver enzymes were fine and everything else checked out except my cholesterol levels. I was also drinking a lot less heavily back in 2016. I know that the palpitations and weird heart pains were worse after drinking, almost only experienced them days after drinking or while drinking.
I'm only 24 years old I don't think I should be feeling this sick and terrible. I know my brother who is almost 10 years clean stopped drinking when he was 27 due to MANY reasons. Almost killing best friend, liver failing, wife threatening divorce, blacking out on 4 beers, you name it.. I DO NOT want to get to that point. I KNOW that I'm a full blown alcoholic and I cannot just "have one" without that intense overwhelming urge for just one more. I want this to be it or I know I will die before 50 if I'm not already dead before then while being sober.
I just wanted to check in and I plan to see everyone that I failed hopefully still on the wagon. Again I'm sorry for letting everyone down who was rooting for me. You are the only support group I have.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,368
I'm sorry for your struggle Calvin but I'm glad you're back 
Try not to worry too much - you're young - my heart does that too but it's controlled very very effectively by a very small dose of beta blockers
Your Dr will have ideas about what to do in your case anywayD
Try not to worry too much - you're young - my heart does that too but it's controlled very very effectively by a very small dose of beta blockers
Your Dr will have ideas about what to do in your case anyway
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I'm sorry for your struggle Calvin but I'm glad you're back
Try not to worry too much - you're young - my heart does that too but it's controlled very very effectively by a very small dose of beta blockers
Your Dr will have ideas about what to do in your case anywayD
Try not to worry too much - you're young - my heart does that too but it's controlled very very effectively by a very small dose of beta blockers
Your Dr will have ideas about what to do in your case anyway
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 157
Hi Calvin,
It’s great that your back. I know how you feel. I felt ashamed posting here on Sunday but had lots of positive welcoming replies.
The main thing is that you recognised you have a problem and your back here.
That’s what’s great about SR, it’s always here for us. Getting sober isn’t easy but you have taken the hardest step.
All the best.
It’s great that your back. I know how you feel. I felt ashamed posting here on Sunday but had lots of positive welcoming replies.
The main thing is that you recognised you have a problem and your back here.
That’s what’s great about SR, it’s always here for us. Getting sober isn’t easy but you have taken the hardest step.
All the best.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by calvinm16
Hello again.
[B] I understand taking medications is not being sober but honestly I would rather take 2 tiny pills a day than drink myself to death, literally.
[B] I understand taking medications is not being sober but honestly I would rather take 2 tiny pills a day than drink myself to death, literally.
It can get very tangled at the start of recovery because so many normal aspects of alcoholism can look like mental health issues, when they are not. It gets tricky because if we end up treating what is caused by alcoholism with medication for other conditions it tends not to work very well. This is mainly because there is no medical treatment for alcoholism.
Sometimes the booze has to be got out of the way first so the doctor can get a clear view as regards to any other conditions. I had a friend with serious bipolar. He could not get stable on bi polar meds and drink at the same time. First he had to deal to the alcoholism, then he was able to manage the bipolar. He has been sober many years now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,642
Welcome C...we do not have to live the horror of crisis point rock-bottoms. I did- you do not have to. Post lots, see a counselor,GP- some prof support, go to meetings- invest as much time in to your recovery as you did in the bad stuff.
Support to you.
Support to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
I believe there is a lot that is caused by alcohol. I think some people take meds in the beginning because they think they have depression, anxiety or palpitations, but just the rebalancing of brain and body after coming off a powerful physical and psychological crutch can cause those symptoms for months.
If you do go on beta blockers in early sobriety, you will need to stay in close contact with your doctor because as your heart rate and blood pressure normalize over the first few month s, the dose s/he prescribed may actually be too high and cause you to bottom out.
Welcome back to sobriety. find some 3d recovery support to help you stay off it. best wishes!
If you do go on beta blockers in early sobriety, you will need to stay in close contact with your doctor because as your heart rate and blood pressure normalize over the first few month s, the dose s/he prescribed may actually be too high and cause you to bottom out.
Welcome back to sobriety. find some 3d recovery support to help you stay off it. best wishes!
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Calvin,
I recognize the shame of posting after drinking, but I encourage you to dump that because it's really not helpful.
It's so good that you came back to try again. Man, you have at least 2/3 of your life ahead of you - how exciting could that be?
O
I recognize the shame of posting after drinking, but I encourage you to dump that because it's really not helpful.
It's so good that you came back to try again. Man, you have at least 2/3 of your life ahead of you - how exciting could that be?
O
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by Obladi
Calvin,
Man, you have at least 2/3 of your life ahead of you - how exciting could that be?
O
Man, you have at least 2/3 of your life ahead of you - how exciting could that be?
O
I stopped when I was 22. My perception of the future was tainted by my experience of the past, which, in a word, was misery. Miserable sober or drunk. I had no good spells, I never even grew up. So I had trouble getting excited about only being 1/3 through the misery.
I took an evidential and experimental approach in AA. The first thing was to meet others in whom the problem had been solved and see that, actually, their lives looked pretty good from where I was standing.
The second thing was to conduct the experiment of following the program as precisely as I could, leaving nothing out. I would not be very scientific to leave out some of the thngs they did and expect to get the same result. The only difference was in my motivation which was more about getting past the misery, than it was about not drinking.
Three months later, on my 23rd birthday I realized some pretty big changes had taken place. I had gone all that time without seriously thinking about drinking, but perhaps more importantly, the world seemed to have chaned. It went from a miserable forbidding place to a warm and welcoming one, full of opportunity and with a place for me.
That was the point at which I understood how exciting it was to have my whole life ahead of me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by Gottalife
Actually, that's not quite right Calvin. As long as you have been totally honest with your doctor, especially about your drinking, then whatever medication he prescribes has to do with the condition he is treating, not your alcoholism or sobriety.
It can get very tangled at the start of recovery because so many normal aspects of alcoholism can look like mental health issues, when they are not. It gets tricky because if we end up treating what is caused by alcoholism with medication for other conditions it tends not to work very well. This is mainly because there is no medical treatment for alcoholism.
Sometimes the booze has to be got out of the way first so the doctor can get a clear view as regards to any other conditions. I had a friend with serious bipolar. He could not get stable on bi polar meds and drink at the same time. First he had to deal to the alcoholism, then he was able to manage the bipolar. He has been sober many years now.
It can get very tangled at the start of recovery because so many normal aspects of alcoholism can look like mental health issues, when they are not. It gets tricky because if we end up treating what is caused by alcoholism with medication for other conditions it tends not to work very well. This is mainly because there is no medical treatment for alcoholism.
Sometimes the booze has to be got out of the way first so the doctor can get a clear view as regards to any other conditions. I had a friend with serious bipolar. He could not get stable on bi polar meds and drink at the same time. First he had to deal to the alcoholism, then he was able to manage the bipolar. He has been sober many years now.
IDK I think with the heart condition, being ~30 lbs overweight and getting deathly hangovers off 10 beers I'm finally feeling optimistic in quitting. Oh also the medication I'm taking cannot be drank on at all. And if I were to get caught drinking while taking it, the meds that are really helping me will be cut off. It's on an a written form I signed.
Feeling a lot more optimistic than when I first tried quitting. I think it's because I'm actually addressing the real mental problems that I was initially self medicating. And my doctor is GOOD we started on the lowest less powerful meds and then slowly worked up to something that worked and didn't have any side effects.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by Gottalife
This is just my experience, but a lot of people said this to me during my drinking and in early recovery. They meant well, I have no doubt, but I had no experience to back this up.
I stopped when I was 22. My perception of the future was tainted by my experience of the past, which, in a word, was misery. Miserable sober or drunk. I had no good spells, I never even grew up. So I had trouble getting excited about only being 1/3 through the misery.
I took an evidential and experimental approach in AA. The first thing was to meet others in whom the problem had been solved and see that, actually, their lives looked pretty good from where I was standing.
The second thing was to conduct the experiment of following the program as precisely as I could, leaving nothing out. I would not be very scientific to leave out some of the thngs they did and expect to get the same result. The only difference was in my motivation which was more about getting past the misery, than it was about not drinking.
Three months later, on my 23rd birthday I realized some pretty big changes had taken place. I had gone all that time without seriously thinking about drinking, but perhaps more importantly, the world seemed to have chaned. It went from a miserable forbidding place to a warm and welcoming one, full of opportunity and with a place for me.
That was the point at which I understood how exciting it was to have my whole life ahead of me.
I stopped when I was 22. My perception of the future was tainted by my experience of the past, which, in a word, was misery. Miserable sober or drunk. I had no good spells, I never even grew up. So I had trouble getting excited about only being 1/3 through the misery.
I took an evidential and experimental approach in AA. The first thing was to meet others in whom the problem had been solved and see that, actually, their lives looked pretty good from where I was standing.
The second thing was to conduct the experiment of following the program as precisely as I could, leaving nothing out. I would not be very scientific to leave out some of the thngs they did and expect to get the same result. The only difference was in my motivation which was more about getting past the misery, than it was about not drinking.
Three months later, on my 23rd birthday I realized some pretty big changes had taken place. I had gone all that time without seriously thinking about drinking, but perhaps more importantly, the world seemed to have chaned. It went from a miserable forbidding place to a warm and welcoming one, full of opportunity and with a place for me.
That was the point at which I understood how exciting it was to have my whole life ahead of me.
I'm excited to get my health back now that I'm not filling my body with poison, carbs, sugar & calories every night my results going to the gym should be pretty nice so long as my heart monitor results come back okay. I used to get comments on my physique and build while being a full blown alcoholic chugging down almost a fifth a night or 15 beers and I can't imagine what I'll look like cutting that crap out.
One day at a time but now there is really no going back. The meds I'm on, the condition of my heart and body and how I was feeling mentally again with all these problems is definitely cause to dodge that crap.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 114
I can also say that my sleep has been incredible since not drinking. The last few months I was waking up every 1-2 hours for no reason at all and sleeping horribly in general if I even want to call that sleep. The last stretch I haven't been drinking I literally have slept straight through the night until my alarm goes off, not even getting up to use the bathroom. lol
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Welcome back Calvin! I originally joined SR in 2012, and had a few months sober, and then in January of 2013 I decided I would be able to moderate my drinking, and I failed miserably. I spent the next three years alternating between brief periods of sobriety, and failed attempts at moderation.
I finally had enough and had my last drink on December 31, 2015. Life is so much better sober. I wish I had been smart enough to stop at your age!
I finally had enough and had my last drink on December 31, 2015. Life is so much better sober. I wish I had been smart enough to stop at your age!
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