eve123

I relapsed after a few months few days ago. Chaos happened worried everyone let everyone down failed as a mum who can’ seem to find permement sobritity. 7 years in Aa to rehab stings inpatient and I still got hunk I can get away with drinking wine. I have amazing kids yet I put that little first. Absolutely shame guilt disgust can’t stop shaking and sky high anxiety. Member took me to meeting last night and I felt safe there but have come home and laid awake all night thinking the worse hate myself sometimes

Dee74

Hi Eve welcoem back
you know what they say hate addiction, not the addicted.

We all made some bad choices but we;re all decent people. Use that energy you're beating yourself up with to stay sober with instead

D

julietUK

Dear eve. You can do this. Get back on the horse. We all understand how bad you feel now but it can just be a blip. You can do it, Just don't drink today. Camp out on this website and try get to another meeting tonight. I am so sorry you feel so bad, buts its the drink that has made you feel this way. You can kick it. Drink plenty of water today and eat little and often. It will pass. My thoughts and prayer go out to you.

PhoenixJ

Eve- have you seen a counselor? I find a 'professional friend' to be a useful resource...s meetings can get personalised and too close to home for me. I am learning that part of the reason I drank was to repress stuff that happened before I found booze...sounds like a cliche, but it seems to be helping.

I agree with Dee- do not hate yourself. I gave up on myself as I thought the world had given up on me...so what the hell? How wrong I was. You have shown you want to heal- as you go to meetings and post here.

Prayers and support to you.

eve123

Thank you for your kind words. Mentally I’m in hell I cannot get my head around how cunning and powerful this illness is. I’ve fallen out with people been told that they no longer want to deal with or can’t. I feel like iv lost everything and iv been trying for a long long time. Will rest up a bit today but feel so broken is this it is this how my life is going to go until I lose everything dear to me. And I do this to myself!!! Unbelievable so so so tired of it all I’d block me out of my life also if I could x

joandmelandhan

((((eve))))
I know it's hard but please try and hate the addiction not yourself. You are very vulnerable right now and it's important to look after yourself. You're in enough pain without beating yourself up on top of that.
What you feel right now is directly as a result of your binge. You've put that poison in your body and now you are getting rid of it with some awful side effects. That's withdrawal.
Try not to become overwhelmed by the notion of permanent sobriety. All you have is today. Focus on getting your head on the pillow sober tonight no matter what.
I am a mum too and felt like sobriety was a pipe dream and I would never get there. The guilt for my girls was crippling but in the end it was fear of my own demise that made me stop. I had no strategy other than one day at a time. So that is what I did. No matter what my day threw at me I would not take a sip of that poison ever again. I don't have a magic answer for you but I am now 9 months sober and utterly grateful for SR and the support I get here every day.
THAT CAN BE YOU TOO.
Please take care and post often. If you need to see a doctor don't hesitate they have seen it all before......xxx

eve123

It’s so hard but I have had soverctime before. Like you said the guilt around the kids is so painful. I am thinking about going to my doctor to ask about naltrexone or Antabuse or something as I’m terrified of picking up again can’t go through this again to painful and I will end up alone or dead that’s the truth

joandmelandhan

Then that is what you must do eve. Talk to your doctor as soon as you can and it might just take a little bit of the fear away xxx

totfit

I remember those feelings. I hate that you are having them. It is those feelings, the same I have every time I drink that have now somehow become embedded and know that alcohol just does not work for me. My body cannot tolerate it without craving and the subsequent withdrawal. Take that and don't pick up and just keep stringing days together. After a while you will find that the though of drinking makes you laugh at the ridiculousness of it. You'll get there. Just start stringing those days together. There is a whole world of other things to do than drink and drinking limits us from doing all those other wonderful things.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Eve - glad to hear you went to a meeting and are considering seeing a doctor too. Sometimes its better to not "fight" our addiction and simply accept that we are indeed not able to drink alcohol. If you completely put it off the table as an option, it really allows you to move forward and make other positive change in your life.

There are drugs like Antabuse and Naltrexone and others out there, but keep in mind that they are not a "cure" for addiction in themselves. They are designed to be used as a supplement other programs/plans to recovery. Certainly some people use them initially to help get started, and it's definitely worth talking to your doctor about But don't expect any of them to be a "Magic Pill" that will somehow erase your issues with alchol.

biminiblue

Yeah, I remember feeling like I just might as well die.

It's horrible, and all caused by drinking.

I picked up after nearly two decades, and the self-loathing came back and brought all its evil friends: depression, anger, resentment, fear of people, self-pity. I know you've heard it and read it all before. I'm sober again for over four years - it just took a commitment. I'm so glad to be back on this side.

I started posting here every day and I did go to AA meetings for the first three/four months. Do something. Get back to stringing days together.

Here is the "Class of May 2018" thread. My "class" was a great home base for me on this site, but I read everything. There is much wisdom and caring on this site.

You can do it.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-one.html

anxiousrock

Many of us know that feeling all too well! I know I do.
I always find that distracting myself and staying busy makes it a bit better. Go for walks, cook, go to meetings etc.
We are here for you, too, if you need to talk .

Stayingsassy

Sobriety fixes those feelings, with time.

there is nothing, literally nothing in the world quite like the pit of despair that heavy drinking causes, it is as if it sucks the very soul right out of us.

It's not even just the guilt, regret, and pain, it is something so much darker.

Sobriety will help. Stick with AA as it sounds as if you found comfort with that and just do one day at a time. You will have tough times ahead but that particular form of misery will be gone.

waynetheking

Hate is a very powerful emotion. Hate alcoholism. Not yourself.

Kat1313

Exactly my feelings and thoughts today. I even started a thread this morning asking for help! Emotional pain is through the roof right now. Disgusted with myself for letting my family down (again) and for making my child fear for my life after I passed out from binge drinking. So ashamed of my choice and actions, so regret it! But, reading your posts gives me hope in knowing that I’m not alone and there are others dealing with the same issues. And we are not bad people; we just need to remind ourselves once in a while that we deserve a better life. A sober life! We deserve to be respected, we deserve to love and be loved and we can become a better version of ourselves starting now. I hope you have a better day today, Eve. By reading it, I hope you are reminded that you are deserving of a healthier life! Thank you for being so brave and sharing your feelings with others and for giving me a chance to write this as I was desperately looking for an outlet. Best wishes to you!

Stayingsassy

I'm sorry kat. I hope you can find a way out. Give AA a try, there are lots of people there who will give you a sympathetic ear and understand what you are going through.

Kat1313

I will find a way out! Because of people like you, caring and supportive, I know I can be sober and stay sober! I want to help others along the way; I want to offer help while receive it myself and provide “no judgement” territory to those needing to vent/share/celebrate. God bless you, Stayingsassy. Thank you