ClearPath64

68 days under my belt and it went off the rails. Friday night, driving home from work, nothing on the agenda, lonely. Walked into the same liquor store that I vowed never to walk into again. Young girl pouring samples of some nasty swill beer that I've had many times before. Sure I'll have a taste. Oh, it's on sale. Perfect. 12-pack. Didn't enjoy any of the six I drank, and didn't experience any relief from whatever was bothering me. Woke up Saturday morning, feeling like crap, poured the other six down the drain, rinsed out all of the cans, and took them to the recycling center. The rest of the day was mostly unproductive, running a couple of errands. Culminated in a trip to another liquor store for one big bottle of the higher alcohol beer, which I finished off with dinner while watching TV. Woke up this morning, a little fuzzy, but not as bad as Saturday, rinsed out the bottle, opened up my journal and proceeded to absolutely abuse myself, with plenty of vulgar words, capitalization, and exclamation points.

Thought I had a better plan this time. Been on SR daily (several times a day), been journaling frequently, getting some exercise, making progress in my garden. Something's missing though. Too much alone time. Too easy for me to get frustrated with myself when I'm tired and unproductive. Getting out and meeting people doesn't come easy for me, and most of my face-to-face interactions end up being frustratingly empty. What is so, so frustrating is the fact that I go to the liquor store for relief, knowing that there is no relief there. I know that I'm an alcoholic, I know that I can't moderate my drinking, I know how the tape plays.

I really, truly felt so good after two months sober. Reading my journal entries from just last Monday, makes the last two days all the more frustrating. I'm not going back to the old me. I won't drink today. I just have to address this hole in my plan. Thanks for listening.

Dropsie

I know.

For me, it was when I truly accepted emotionally what is in your post.

I could say it, even believe it, but I needed to accept that drinking was simply never ever an option.

So you have two months minus 12 beers.

Stop berating your self NOW.

Take drinking off the table NOW. Totally, completely, forever.

We are with you.

waynetheking

Revise your plan. Reconigize your weak points. Switch gears in your brain. Join a support group and get busy on sobriety. You can do this. Drinking is not an option. Never.

Delilah1

Hi Clearpath,

I'm glad you came back and posted today. I think you are smart to rethink your plan. You have some good pieces there, have you considered face to face support? It may be good to see a counselor, or try AA or SMART meetings.

It also sounds like you are struggling with your down time. Have you considered volunteering? Or taking a class?

What are your plans for today?

Glad you are back!!!

Stayingsassy

I know, too. The lonely restless bored feeling. It's hard.

I don't drink over it though. I cry a lot. Binge watch shows. Go to the gym a lot, break my diet sometimes, or just go out to the garden and stare at the sky.

Drinking is off the table, so it's just doing life without it.

I figure I'll get better at it with time. I know I feel an immense sense of relief at work, when my brain is totally occupied.

ClearPath64

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I can always count on my SR family.

Dropsie - Thank you. Now is definitely the time. Not getting any younger. I know that the berating isn't helpful, but sometime my lack of self-discipline just really angers me. Deep breaths.......

Wayne - Thank you for the tips. All good ones. Get busy. Get busy living, or get busy dying, as they say.

Delilah - Yes, the down time is when my brain kicks in, and things begin to go sideways. Volunteering and classes are all on the table. I did some one-on-one counseling a year or two ago, which helped with some of my ACOA issues. I've sat in on a few AA meetings. I seem to be pretty adept at sticking my toe in the water, but not jumping in. As for today, my daughter is returning from a trip and will be picking up her dogs, who I've been dog-sitting while she was away. So will get to spend some good, quality time with her. Beautiful weather in Missouri today. Must get out and soak up some sun.

Sassy - Agree with you on all points. Though I tend to go overboard at work.

Drinking is off the table. I thought it was, truly. But I got complacent. I'm going to win this battle. Hitting restart today. Thank you all so much.

hellrzr

Getting active in AA and working on the steps with a sponsor will go a long way to giving you a long term solution!

Sounds like you get irritable, restless, and discontent... something you'll learn all about in AA.....

doggonecarl

Sounds like the hole is in your soul. Drink won't fill it.

Dee74

The best plan in the world isn't worth much if you don't use it.

I'd look at what your support is and why you didn't use it CP?

D

SoberCAH

This is what has certainly worked for me.

For a pretty good while now.

Liebe

Working the steps in AA was key for me. I tried for years to quit- had some short term success, then always found a reason to start again. Mainly complacency, thinking this time I'll have a better handle on it. I remained sober without going to AA for the first year I quit ( again) - and I started to get a bit scared so I went back for the first time in over 20 years- April was one year of AA . July 24th will be 2 years clean and sober for me.
This past year, I got serious with the steps for the first time ever. A lot of my trouble is resentments. Someone in my group told me to say the 4th step prayer everyday. I wasn't too sure about that, but I trust this person so Ive done it for 2 weeks now. Its been a good addition to my normal routine.
I find that adding good things in is always the best way to feed my soul. Alcohol wont fill that hole no matter what. Support meetings, counseling, being around sober friends I admire, learning about addiction from different angles, having a better developed spiritual life has been monumental.
For me, there hasn't been just one clear path- but this past year, I saw AA with new eyes.
You can do this. If your willing there is always hope !

fini

so...about that hole you mention in your plan.
what do you think it is?

you go to the liquor store for relief when you know there is no relief to be found there. or at leat you say you know. so what happens there?

for a long time, i kept hoping this time it would be different. but it never was. sound familiar?

WaterOx

All I can say is I feel you. 5 months yesterday an the summer heat brings new challenges.

Yes, you feel better. Of course you do. That is exactly the problem!
If you're like me, you say to yourself " I obviously don't have a problem. Look how far I've come".

Liebe

Ive heard it said:
We have alcohol-IS-m.... not alcohol-WAS-m. Its an ongoing process. Partly the chemistry we were given. I believe that now more than ever.
I fell into the I feel better trap so many times..........
I get it- and I get that summer brings its own challenges- same goes for me.
The good news is there is support out there. Its not always going to feel good, but its worth it.

ClearPath64

I truly appreciate all of the advice and straight-talk that has been provided here. Clearly my so-called plan didn't include a way of dealing with the inevitable urge that will come when my defenses are down, either when I'm lonely or tired, or actually feeling pretty good and self-satisfied.

But deeper than that, as Carl so bluntly stated, and many of you have addressed with AA, I need to address whatever it is in me that ignites the restlessness and discontent. Living inside my head for 53 years doesn't work and frankly, I'm not that interesting of company most of the time.

I live in a decent sized city and the availability of support is not an issue. The issue is, and always has been, overcoming the fear of taking that next step. And, I guess, convincing myself that I need to take that next step.

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my post. This forum has helped me so much.

ScottFromWI

Have you ever talked with a counseolor before ClearPath? Sounds like you might have some anxiety or maybe even depression going on. I initially went to a therapist for the first time in my life well into my 40's, specifically for anxiety issues - but found that I had a whole lot of other stuff going on that i needed to address. Not much of it was major, but was neglecting areas that needed attention. I found lots of tools to help fill those gaps and view my counselor almost like a "life coach" now and do monthly visits.

I think mental health is one of the most commonly neglected areas of our lives.

Liebe

I agree with Carl.
Its tough to address those things. For me it was scary and I didnt want to- but I learned a lot about myself. Mind you, I thought I already knew everything about myself- but I had some moments of clarity that changed some things for me. I decided to stop resisting -The work is worth it.

Stayingsassy

and also the least likely to be covered by insurance. Thank goodness I had the means to pay the thousands it cost to pay for therapy for my oldest and rehab for myself (which didn't work, i drank again) because I have the means to pay for mental health crises, but I feel terrible for those that don't.

ClearPath64

Hi Scott, I attended weekly sessions with a counselor for about three months about a year and a half ago, until I could no longer justify the expense of it. It helped me work through several issues and see the flaws in many of my thinking patterns. Probably wouldn't hurt to touch base with the doc for a little tune-up, as you say.

Anyway, I'll stop bumping this particular thread, but I certainly appreciate all of the help and support. Honestly, I'm a very blessed person in so many ways. There are so many of you that have had a much rougher road than I have, and lost much more. It wouldn't hurt for ClearPath (my name is James by the way) to practice a little more gratitude and offer his help to others. Wishing you all a great morning, afternoon, and evening, wherever you are. James