Finally I'm scared,feeling the bottom and tired of being me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 36
Finally I'm scared,feeling the bottom and tired of being me.
(Warning!! Holy run on sentence!!)
The following is what I sent to a inpatient rehab around a month ago....I've been putting it off for Finacial and some memorable person reasons...and the fact that I'm scared to death of sobriety.
"My name is Chris Silvers and I am a recovering addict and currently suffering from alcoholism (I drink a fifth or more a day). I have been addicted for the last thirteen years. I have been a alcoholic for at least 10-11yrs after quitting controlled substances(meth). I haven't been 24hr sober in the last three years and I haven't been 7 days sober in the last 10 years. I've lost every good opportunity in my life bc of substance abuse and my mental health (severe depression and anxiety). I've always been able to bounce back from rock bottom but now it's getting to the point that my health is at risk.....I'm killing myself (figuratively speaking). I'm getting my finances in order and I am ready to start my journey into sobriety. I'm very scared that I might not enjoy life when I'm sober. I'm very scared of detox. I'm all around scared....but I'm ready to do this for myself, not because someone or some situations are making me"
Now here's my current awakening..I had a trip to the local ER around a month ago. It was good scare. Abdominal pain,diarrhea,vomiting and stomach pressure. The result? My liver enzymes were 198/202 respectively. Now here I am with what could be liver damage. Why did I wait? Why did it take this long for me to care about myself?
Well my answer is simple, I've been wearing a mask. A mask of substance abuse to cope with mental health,life and my body's dependency. This is by far the most scared I've been of anything in my life. I've lived a life of ungratefulness,self indulgence and selfishness.....now I'm sick. Now I'm scared.
As of today I am inrolled into a inpatient rehab facility and will be attending a medical detox as my mental health and body's dependency will need it.
This weekend I shall start packing my house,putting things into storage and God willing I'll be celebrating my 34th birthday.
Chris
The following is what I sent to a inpatient rehab around a month ago....I've been putting it off for Finacial and some memorable person reasons...and the fact that I'm scared to death of sobriety.
"My name is Chris Silvers and I am a recovering addict and currently suffering from alcoholism (I drink a fifth or more a day). I have been addicted for the last thirteen years. I have been a alcoholic for at least 10-11yrs after quitting controlled substances(meth). I haven't been 24hr sober in the last three years and I haven't been 7 days sober in the last 10 years. I've lost every good opportunity in my life bc of substance abuse and my mental health (severe depression and anxiety). I've always been able to bounce back from rock bottom but now it's getting to the point that my health is at risk.....I'm killing myself (figuratively speaking). I'm getting my finances in order and I am ready to start my journey into sobriety. I'm very scared that I might not enjoy life when I'm sober. I'm very scared of detox. I'm all around scared....but I'm ready to do this for myself, not because someone or some situations are making me"
Now here's my current awakening..I had a trip to the local ER around a month ago. It was good scare. Abdominal pain,diarrhea,vomiting and stomach pressure. The result? My liver enzymes were 198/202 respectively. Now here I am with what could be liver damage. Why did I wait? Why did it take this long for me to care about myself?
Well my answer is simple, I've been wearing a mask. A mask of substance abuse to cope with mental health,life and my body's dependency. This is by far the most scared I've been of anything in my life. I've lived a life of ungratefulness,self indulgence and selfishness.....now I'm sick. Now I'm scared.
As of today I am inrolled into a inpatient rehab facility and will be attending a medical detox as my mental health and body's dependency will need it.
This weekend I shall start packing my house,putting things into storage and God willing I'll be celebrating my 34th birthday.
Chris
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Welcome Chris,
You sound like you have all the attributes to make a success of AA when you come out.
It is always sad to hear of the physical/medical consequences of excessive drinking. The worst thing is that we can never scare a real alcoholic sober. We tell them they gonna die of all sorts of horrible diseases if they keep drinking, and what do they do? Have a drink to help them get their head around it.
Nope, we cant scare you sober, but from my own personal experience I can tell you that getting sober on the AA path has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done. I would be liying If I said life is always a bed of roses. Just being recovered doesn't guarantee nothing else bad is going to happem, quite the opposite.
But it did turn out that I was given the power to handle anything that came my way, good or bad,in a sane and normal way, without even thinking of taking a drink. Being able to meet clamity with serenity is one of the great gifts of AA.
You sound like you have all the attributes to make a success of AA when you come out.
It is always sad to hear of the physical/medical consequences of excessive drinking. The worst thing is that we can never scare a real alcoholic sober. We tell them they gonna die of all sorts of horrible diseases if they keep drinking, and what do they do? Have a drink to help them get their head around it.
Nope, we cant scare you sober, but from my own personal experience I can tell you that getting sober on the AA path has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done. I would be liying If I said life is always a bed of roses. Just being recovered doesn't guarantee nothing else bad is going to happem, quite the opposite.
But it did turn out that I was given the power to handle anything that came my way, good or bad,in a sane and normal way, without even thinking of taking a drink. Being able to meet clamity with serenity is one of the great gifts of AA.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Niagara Region, ON, Canada
Posts: 89
Welcome Chris, huge congratulations on your decision to get treatment and a very happy birthday to you. Life begins at 34 
It's absolutely normal to be scared, but you can do it. I believe in you.
It's absolutely normal to be scared, but you can do it. I believe in you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 36
Thank you guys for the encouragement!! Alcohol has been the hardest crutch for me to quit. I was a heavy meth addict for over a year and kicked that habit. Now I've found myself in alcoholism for the past 10yrs. If I make it through this I have so much to teach and preach. I want to take my life and make it a example of hope for others.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 36
Thank you guys for the encouragement!! Alcohol has been the hardest crutch for me to quit. I was a heavy meth addict for over a year and kicked that habit. Now I've found myself in alcoholism for the past 10yrs. If I make it through this I have so much to teach and preach. I want to take my life and make it a example of hope for others.
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Best of luck Chris, take care of yourself and grab with both hands as many tools as you can learn whilst in rehab so you have a full toolbox on your return to the big world out there. You sound determined and hope you come back to SR and let us know how your getting on xx
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by csilvers1984 
I'm so scared of sobriety!! I don't know how to live sober.
Rest assured that living life without alcohol is far easier than with it for an addict. Alcohol destroys your health ( mental and physical ), the relationships around you, and severely limits the activities you can/should be participating in. Quitting lifts all those restrictions and you are free to do literally whatever you want, whenever you want.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
It's a scary proposition for sure, and pretty much each and every one of us felt that way before we quit too. But in reality you should be a lot more scared of what your life might be like of you don't quit.
Rest assured that living life without alcohol is far easier than with it for an addict. Alcohol destroys your health ( mental and physical ), the relationships around you, and severely limits the activities you can/should be participating in. Quitting lifts all those restrictions and you are free to do literally whatever you want, whenever you want.
Rest assured that living life without alcohol is far easier than with it for an addict. Alcohol destroys your health ( mental and physical ), the relationships around you, and severely limits the activities you can/should be participating in. Quitting lifts all those restrictions and you are free to do literally whatever you want, whenever you want.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by csilvers1984
I'm so scared of sobriety!! I don't know how to live sober.
But you know, we don't have to figure it out all at once. I was given a little card at my first AA meeting about keeping it in the day (or the hour or the minute). There were some wise words on that card...
JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself to it.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will strengthen my mind.
I will study I will learn something useful.
I will not be a mental loafer.
I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will exercise my soul in three ways, I will do someone a good turn, and NOT get found out. If anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I dont want to do just for exercise
I will not show anyone my feelings are hurt, they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will be agreeable, I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticise not one bit, not find fault with anything, and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests, hurry and indecision.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour sometime, I will try and get a better perspective of my life.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
Amazingly, when I just did it an hour or a day at a time I could do it. And you can as well.
BB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Maybe you don't know yet, but hey, that's what recovery teaches us. I was scared as well. Most of us were. Drinking was what I did for so long, how could I DO life without it? Who would I BE without it.
But you know, we don't have to figure it out all at once. I was given a little card at my first AA meeting about keeping it in the day (or the hour or the minute). There were some wise words on that card...
JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself to it.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will strengthen my mind.
I will study I will learn something useful.
I will not be a mental loafer.
I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will exercise my soul in three ways, I will do someone a good turn, and NOT get found out. If anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I dont want to do just for exercise
I will not show anyone my feelings are hurt, they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will be agreeable, I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticise not one bit, not find fault with anything, and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests, hurry and indecision.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour sometime, I will try and get a better perspective of my life.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
Amazingly, when I just did it an hour or a day at a time I could do it. And you can as well.
BB
But you know, we don't have to figure it out all at once. I was given a little card at my first AA meeting about keeping it in the day (or the hour or the minute). There were some wise words on that card...
JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself to it.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will strengthen my mind.
I will study I will learn something useful.
I will not be a mental loafer.
I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will exercise my soul in three ways, I will do someone a good turn, and NOT get found out. If anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I dont want to do just for exercise
I will not show anyone my feelings are hurt, they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will be agreeable, I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticise not one bit, not find fault with anything, and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests, hurry and indecision.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour sometime, I will try and get a better perspective of my life.
JUST FOR TODAY
I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
Amazingly, when I just did it an hour or a day at a time I could do it. And you can as well.
BB
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by csilvers1984
I'm so scared of sobriety!! I don't know how to live sober.
getting sober was quite a scarey proposition, but something that helped me get the courage to get the help to learn was fear of the known:
what my life with alcohol still in it would be like,which i didnt have a life with alcohol in it. i was just existing.
it took time, but eventually i learned. been able to face a lot of life on lifes terms not only without drinking, but without even having the desire to drink for/during the times that life on lifes terms wasnt the most pleasant experience.
its very refreshing to read you have the courage to go to rehab. im willing to bet nothing will be worse than when ya drank.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by tomsteve
i can relate to this big time. i called it fear of the unkown. i started drinking when i was 13 and 36 when i got sober. i had absolutely no clue how to live. no clue how to think. no clue how to act. no clue who i was even.
getting sober was quite a scarey proposition, but something that helped me get the courage to get the help to learn was fear of the known:
what my life with alcohol still in it would be like,which i didnt have a life with alcohol in it. i was just existing.
it took time, but eventually i learned. been able to face a lot of life on lifes terms not only without drinking, but without even having the desire to drink for/during the times that life on lifes terms wasnt the most pleasant experience.
its very refreshing to read you have the courage to go to rehab. im willing to bet nothing will be worse than when ya drank.
getting sober was quite a scarey proposition, but something that helped me get the courage to get the help to learn was fear of the known:
what my life with alcohol still in it would be like,which i didnt have a life with alcohol in it. i was just existing.
it took time, but eventually i learned. been able to face a lot of life on lifes terms not only without drinking, but without even having the desire to drink for/during the times that life on lifes terms wasnt the most pleasant experience.
its very refreshing to read you have the courage to go to rehab. im willing to bet nothing will be worse than when ya drank.
You're so right!! Is came to a point where I don't enjoy anything,even when I drink! I used to have fun while drinking. Now I'm unhealthy and I drink just to reassure my mind and body. I feel like ****,constantly anxious,worried and downright realizing what I'm missing out on. And what I've chosen alcoholism over....reality is sitting in and it's a damn shock.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
Originally Posted by csilvers1984
And that's why I know it's got a hold on me. I've lost countless opportunities,relationships and anything else of meaning bc of my addiction. But I still chose the bottle. Damn I can't understand myself sometimes. Why in the hell would I choose this life? It's only taken away from myself and everyone around me.
In the big book of AA...they say that alcohol is "cunning baffling and powerful"...that, it certainly is.
However, as long as you have hope, there's a chance to turn it all around and have an amazing life.
There will be some hard days ahead. But it's all worth it.
Stick close to people in recovery. Here. AA...or therapy..or both...just be about getting well. Most importantly...don't give up.
Feelings aren't facts so try not to live in your head a lot. Try to stay busy and just keep things as simple as possible.
Glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by csilvers1984
You're so right!! Is came to a point where I don't enjoy anything,even when I drink! I used to have fun while drinking. Now I'm unhealthy and I drink just to reassure my mind and body. I feel like ****,constantly anxious,worried and downright realizing what I'm missing out on. And what I've chosen alcoholism over....reality is sitting in and it's a damn shock.
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