My mom and I just yelled at each other on the phone
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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I actually am headed to AA tonight if I can get out of my child's open house in time. I reached out to a sponsor today.
I don't know if AA will help me figure out if I can stay both sober and married. That's my main issue. Not sure I can do both and sobriety has to win.
But more self reflection can't hurt.
I don't know if AA will help me figure out if I can stay both sober and married. That's my main issue. Not sure I can do both and sobriety has to win.
But more self reflection can't hurt.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I think what you are experiencing is so prevalent. I was in a marriage where drinking was at the foundation of so much of our connection. Sad but true. We were friends for years, worked together, traveled for business together...and oh yeah, drank together. It really was nearly impossible for me to stay sober with him. He was an alcoholic but nothing like me. Ugh. Sadly he passed away. But if I'm honest, I'd probably be right where you are. My recovery or marriage? Which will it be?
I have a friend from treatment who is in a chaotic alcoholic dysfunctional relationship and its so hard to watch. She feels powerless and feels she has no options. Of course she does, but that's easy for me to say. The obvious, recovery based advice is 'focus on yourself and your recovery'. Yeah, ok but that is truly very hard. If you can do it, great. But I guess I'm just acknowledging that I do understand how truly hard it is.
Hang in there. Share how you're doing with this. Maybe it will help me guide my friend when she calls.
I have a friend from treatment who is in a chaotic alcoholic dysfunctional relationship and its so hard to watch. She feels powerless and feels she has no options. Of course she does, but that's easy for me to say. The obvious, recovery based advice is 'focus on yourself and your recovery'. Yeah, ok but that is truly very hard. If you can do it, great. But I guess I'm just acknowledging that I do understand how truly hard it is.
Hang in there. Share how you're doing with this. Maybe it will help me guide my friend when she calls.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Well, I might not be popular with this view, but your Ma might have a point. The tell was in your intial thought of popping along to AA to help with your lonliness. Dont get me wrong, a lot of people use AA just for that reason. We are a welcoming bunch, and the coffee may be free. But for a real alcoholic, that would be the wrong reason to be going. My thought was how about going to AA to get recovered. Then all this stuff about triggers, and needing to hide away from alcohol, will be a thing of the past. This isn't just my experience. On about page 100 of the big book, it is laid out pretty clearly. This quote may surprise a few people:
"Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.
In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.
So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't.
You will note that we made an important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, "Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place?
Well, you would have a good reason for being there, supporting your husband, but there is an out. A little later the book says "If you are feeling shaky, better to go and work with another alcoholic instead"
"Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.
In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.
So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't.
You will note that we made an important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, "Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place?
Well, you would have a good reason for being there, supporting your husband, but there is an out. A little later the book says "If you are feeling shaky, better to go and work with another alcoholic instead"
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Sass,
How is it going?
I think you know that there is a part of me that is with Mike on this one. There will come a time that the fact that your husband drinks will become irrelevant. Truly.
The issue will be what is left. If its just the fact that he drinks bugs you, that will go.
But if the issue is that you ultimately realize that what is left is not the relationship you need, you will need to address that.
But my humble advice would be to give it time and try not to judge. And definitely dont drink.
I am sure it is irratating as he$$ that he basically gave you an ultimatum and then continues on his merry way. But that will not matter to you --he gave you a gift. A precious gift.
XX
How is it going?
I think you know that there is a part of me that is with Mike on this one. There will come a time that the fact that your husband drinks will become irrelevant. Truly.
The issue will be what is left. If its just the fact that he drinks bugs you, that will go.
But if the issue is that you ultimately realize that what is left is not the relationship you need, you will need to address that.
But my humble advice would be to give it time and try not to judge. And definitely dont drink.
I am sure it is irratating as he$$ that he basically gave you an ultimatum and then continues on his merry way. But that will not matter to you --he gave you a gift. A precious gift.
XX
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Gottalife 
Well, I might not be popular with this view, but your Ma might have a point. The tell was in your intial thought of popping along to AA to help with your lonliness. Dont get me wrong, a lot of people use AA just for that reason. We are a welcoming bunch, and the coffee may be free. But for a real alcoholic, that would be the wrong reason to be going. My thought was how about going to AA to get recovered. Then all this stuff about triggers, and needing to hide away from alcohol, will be a thing of the past. This isn't just my experience. On about page 100 of the big book, it is laid out pretty clearly. This quote may surprise a few people:
"Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.
In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.
So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't.
You will note that we made an important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, "Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place?
Well, you would have a good reason for being there, supporting your husband, but there is an out. A little later the book says "If you are feeling shaky, better to go and work with another alcoholic instead"
"Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.
In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.
So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't.
You will note that we made an important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, "Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place?
Well, you would have a good reason for being there, supporting your husband, but there is an out. A little later the book says "If you are feeling shaky, better to go and work with another alcoholic instead"
I went the other night hoping to get a sponsor. I'm ready to do the steps. The woman I went with didn't offer, she has other sponsees so I figured she was too busy?
I'll keep trying. It's tough when my husband is gone in the evenings so I can't go, not wanting to leave my kid alone. That was the case last night, in fact the night I went I had to lock up the house and tell her not to answer the door, he wasn't home then either.
You're right about that though.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Dropsie
Sass,
How is it going?
I think you know that there is a part of me that is with Mike on this one. There will come a time that the fact that your husband drinks will become irrelevant. Truly.
The issue will be what is left. If its just the fact that he drinks bugs you, that will go.
But if the issue is that you ultimately realize that what is left is not the relationship you need, you will need to address that.
But my humble advice would be to give it time and try not to judge. And definitely dont drink.
I am sure it is irratating as he$$ that he basically gave you an ultimatum and then continues on his merry way. But that will not matter to you --he gave you a gift. A precious gift.
XX
How is it going?
I think you know that there is a part of me that is with Mike on this one. There will come a time that the fact that your husband drinks will become irrelevant. Truly.
The issue will be what is left. If its just the fact that he drinks bugs you, that will go.
But if the issue is that you ultimately realize that what is left is not the relationship you need, you will need to address that.
But my humble advice would be to give it time and try not to judge. And definitely dont drink.
I am sure it is irratating as he$$ that he basically gave you an ultimatum and then continues on his merry way. But that will not matter to you --he gave you a gift. A precious gift.
XX
thanks dropsie. Although Im not sure it happened that way. He said "I can't take it anymore and if you will agree to a divorce I will get one, but if you disagree I won't because i will be seen as abandoning my family. also your drinking is completely out of control."
But you are right. Evaluating life through a sober lens is a completely different experience. I have a lot going on. a really intense job, two adult kids and on 12 year old still in the home, a huge home I have no time to clean, a 22 year marriage that is crumbling at the seams, eight chickens, an organic garden, a sweet cat, a Cross fit program and ailing parents 90 minutes away.
I'm tired.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
First thing, hire a cleaning person. If you dont have the money, find it.
Second thing, have you talked to him? Explain that without your ex-boyfriend beer you feel lonely when he goes to gig etc. And that the responsibilities of work etc feel heavier.
Maybe keep the way you feel about booze out of it, just the facts (can you tell I am a lawyer...).
I saw Hamilton the other night and have been watching the crown and for some reason made me think about you.
Maybe a bit more talking with him and trying to make it a team effort.
On the alcohol front, my friends who are not alcoholics all acknowledge how tough it would be for them to stop drinking entirely so think its amazing that we do it.
Maybe in another conversation you could suggest that he takes 6 months off just to see how it feels from your side of the aisle. You can use the saved money to pay the cleaning person.
Or if you're sure he is not the one you want to grow old with, you could have the same conversation he had with you, but in reverse.
My ex and I split up 10 years ago, he went kicking and screaming, but within a few months had a new partner, and then two more kids in his 50s. I did him a huge favor. And myself, and our children. His new wife, maybe less...
XXX
Second thing, have you talked to him? Explain that without your ex-boyfriend beer you feel lonely when he goes to gig etc. And that the responsibilities of work etc feel heavier.
Maybe keep the way you feel about booze out of it, just the facts (can you tell I am a lawyer...).
I saw Hamilton the other night and have been watching the crown and for some reason made me think about you.
Maybe a bit more talking with him and trying to make it a team effort.
On the alcohol front, my friends who are not alcoholics all acknowledge how tough it would be for them to stop drinking entirely so think its amazing that we do it.
Maybe in another conversation you could suggest that he takes 6 months off just to see how it feels from your side of the aisle. You can use the saved money to pay the cleaning person.
Or if you're sure he is not the one you want to grow old with, you could have the same conversation he had with you, but in reverse.
My ex and I split up 10 years ago, he went kicking and screaming, but within a few months had a new partner, and then two more kids in his 50s. I did him a huge favor. And myself, and our children. His new wife, maybe less...
XXX
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
On your first thing, yes yes yes yes yes. Ive had one before but always cancelled it when my work hours went wonky (I am per diem.). But now without the alcohol, it's justified. It's long overdue to get one again.
Second, it appears I need to watch the crown!
As for the rest of it, I feel mainly confused. This holding pattern is where I'm at.
Thanks dropsie.
Second, it appears I need to watch the crown!
As for the rest of it, I feel mainly confused. This holding pattern is where I'm at.
Thanks dropsie.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Sassy, if it’s any help, I sponsored a man a few years ago who was in some ways in a similar position to you. He had partial care of two young boys, and a full time job. He had pushed the boundaries of his alcoholism to the limit. It was on his second or third meeting he asked me to sponsor him.
My big worry with him was that he was not able to do enough meetings. The fellowship tends to emphasize meetings ahead of anything, though the book does not say much about meetings at all. He needed to take care of his boys, and he needed to retain his job to support himself and pay child support.
So we got by on two meetings a week, and after a couple of weeks we decided that we better get the steps done. This we did together, in his spare time. He made the most remarkable recovery and is still a delight to me today. One of the highlights for me was a street party we had, he ended up living in the same street, and I got to watch him with his boys mixing with the neighbors, he was so obviously loved and part of that community, it was a privilege to see.
My point is that you have a lot going on on your life. Sobriety has to be the priority, but not at the expense of important responsibilities around home and work. It has to be balanced, so don’t feel bad if you can’t be at a meeting everyday. I have been in the same boat and it would have been really selfish of me to neglect my children and businesss just to go to meetings.
In fact the way my sponsee and I worked through the steps, and his willingness to get on with it, had massive benefits for his family in a relatively short time.
My big worry with him was that he was not able to do enough meetings. The fellowship tends to emphasize meetings ahead of anything, though the book does not say much about meetings at all. He needed to take care of his boys, and he needed to retain his job to support himself and pay child support.
So we got by on two meetings a week, and after a couple of weeks we decided that we better get the steps done. This we did together, in his spare time. He made the most remarkable recovery and is still a delight to me today. One of the highlights for me was a street party we had, he ended up living in the same street, and I got to watch him with his boys mixing with the neighbors, he was so obviously loved and part of that community, it was a privilege to see.
My point is that you have a lot going on on your life. Sobriety has to be the priority, but not at the expense of important responsibilities around home and work. It has to be balanced, so don’t feel bad if you can’t be at a meeting everyday. I have been in the same boat and it would have been really selfish of me to neglect my children and businesss just to go to meetings.
In fact the way my sponsee and I worked through the steps, and his willingness to get on with it, had massive benefits for his family in a relatively short time.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
Thank you frickaflip.
what used to just be our normal now feels like sleeping with the enemy.
I couldn't feel more lost.
what used to just be our normal now feels like sleeping with the enemy.
I couldn't feel more lost.
Your posts made me think of this thread. You may have already seen it but maybe it will help a bit. Sorry you are in such a tough situation.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...een-place.html (The In-Between Place)
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi Stayingsassy,
Your posts made me think of this thread. You may have already seen it but maybe it will help a bit. Sorry you are in such a tough situation.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...een-place.html (The In-Between Place)
Your posts made me think of this thread. You may have already seen it but maybe it will help a bit. Sorry you are in such a tough situation.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...een-place.html (The In-Between Place)
Thanks for understanding where I am.
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