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Old 05-22-2018, 10:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Long Story


Hi, I am new and have never wrote in a forum before so try and bear with me.
Since August of 2017 I had been seeing a guy that I met online. He is 31 and I am 21. When I first met him I thought he was everything I had been looking for in a number of ways. He was artistic, sweet, kind, and eager to spend time with me. We got serious very fast and talked a lot about marriage and having children in the future. I am in school to be a social worker and he was going to move to wherever I go to graduate school with me. Everything seemed great but I knew a lot of things about him that definitely made me uneasy.
My boyfriend had never finished school, was working a minimum wage job with no benefits, and did not have a car. He also lived in a pretty gross apartment with his brother. I am not trying to sound like a snob because none of those things mattered to me! I let him use my car whenever he needed and I trusted him. As things progressed in our relationship he invited me to Christmas with his family that lives in another state and we spent the week there. I liked his family a lot and I felt at home with them.
Now fast forward to now (sorry I know this is so long). Over the past months my significant other had gotten drunk countless times. Sometimes it was okay but usually it would end up with him speaking nonsense or worse. On my 21st birthday he got much more drunk than me and ended up losing his wallet which had his whole paycheck cashed in it. We had a whole special weekend planned and were unable to go because he never got that money back. Other times when he would drink he would become frighteningly mean. Gone was the sweet and almost timid guy I loved so much and in front of me became a horrible person that called me horrible things. He would become paranoid and jealous and pressure me to have sex with him if I did not want to.
But every single time he would apologize and claim he did not remember what had happened or he would cry because he felt so awful. So I always forgave him. It felt like 7/10 of the time he was wonderful! Loving, attentive, and committed. He was so romantic and would always do any favor I asked. But the other times he was so horrible that it was unbearable.
This past weekend everything fell apart and I did not even see it coming. My boyfriend got drunk anticipating his sister's arrival because she was visiting for her birthday. The night went fine even though I was feeling wary about the amount he was drinking. When we got home that night I wanted to go to bed because of how late it was (1:30am) and my SO got extremely upset. He did his all too now familiar routine of whispering obscenities to me all night, Ex.) "You are such a tease, you are such a prude, I liked you better when you were blonde and a ****." I was heartbroken.
The next morning I noticed he was still wasted and I was exasperated. I tried to get him out of the house but he restrained me and I became very upset. I managed to call his sister and tell her to ask him to come back to his place where she was staying. He ignored all her calls but I eventually tricked him into leaving.
As the day went on I realized that he had taken things from my room and that he had drank my entire bottle of vodka. I was shocked. I drove to his house to get my things back and realized I fell into his trap. Once there he trapped me and caused a scene. Long story short: grabbed the steering wheel, told me if i left him he would kill himself, restrained me multiple times. In the past he had left bruises on me from how hard he would grab me when he was intoxicated. I ran up to his apartment and thankfully was able to get his sister to take me home. That was the last time I saw him.
His sister told me this has been going on for a decade. My SO had done the same things to his last girlfriends which caused them to leave him. Apparently his whole family labels him as an alcoholic and I always thought I was somehow exaggerating his drinking in my head. He had never been able to stop drinking for more than a couple months and he had almost died drunk driving when he was in his 20s. He had also been arrested for being drunk other times also.
I am not sure if anyone will read this long drawn out story but I just wanted to know that someone can relate I guess. It is hard for me to let go but I had to block him on everything because I was so scared of him. I do not know if this even makes sense it is such a complicated and f****d up situation. I feel completely hollow about my future with men. I almost emailed him tonight to say goodbye because I do not know if he will ever actually check his email and see that but I did not send it because it seemed pathetic after what he has put me through.
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Old 05-22-2018, 11:16 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Sorry for what brings you here, but so glad you found us.

No doubt this relationship has seemed like a shocker to you. Thankfully you didn't end up married or pregnant though, so you will be able to put this behind you. The friends and family area is full of folk who weren't so lucky and have had to get embroiled in legal battles to get away from their alcoholic partners. It's also great that his sister was frank about this - it seems many families prefer to stick their heads in the sand and blame their alcoholic family members partners for what s happening, despite evidence to the contrary.

I would urge you not to spend too much mental energy trying to make sense of what he did or said. You won't be able to find sense where there is none. Active alcoholics can be highly manipulative and sneaky, so don't kick yourself for falling for all that stuff.

If you feel like you need help to move on from this, and would like to feel more confident in making and sticking to safe and healthy boundaries then AlAnon might be worth a go. It doesn't matter that you're no longer with this man.

Hope you keep reading and posting.
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Old 05-22-2018, 11:49 PM   #3 (permalink)
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You're so young and you have your whole life in front of you.

in 20 years you're going to say that was the smartest move I ever made or the not so smart move i ever made !!
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Old 05-23-2018, 01:16 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I read your story and I'm sorry - but I'm also actually glad you got out now and not years in the future.

You seem like a nice person, you deserve a lot better and I hope you find it
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Old 05-23-2018, 05:40 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I am so relieved this story ended how it did. I am so glad you got out alive and safe.

I know you are 21, but give nice, steady, kind and responsible men a second look next time. Decent is sexy.

Bad boys are not worth it. My super smart, charismatic, conservative sister in law married a bad boy, thinking she would convert him and change him. He put up a good front here and there, but she ended up leaving him (can't divorce due to her religion) because he developed a heroin addiction to go along with his alcoholism. They seem so appealing living on the edge like that until it all goes downhill.

Thanks for writing. It's ok to keep processing, that was traumatic. I'm sorry that happened.
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Old 05-24-2018, 12:24 PM   #6 (permalink)
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You are wise to cut this young man loose.

Who would want someone like him for a spouse or partner?

There is a world of fine people out there for you.

I would not email him or otherwise communicate with him.

I hope that he finds our forum one day - it certainly sounds like he needs it.

Welcome to our forums.
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