I'm so disappointed in myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
I'm so disappointed in myself
I messed up. Four and a half months sober, but now a week drinking and I just can't stop. I just can't and I don't understand why. I'm so disappointed in myself. I just want to go back to the way I was feeling after 4 1/2 months. I can't believe I took that relative stability for granted. Of course I wasn't feeling perfect, but so much better than now. Sorry. Just needed to share.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,415
The way back starts with a day one sohard. Get rid of all the booze in the house (not down your throat) get an early night and go for a day one tomorrow.
Then you can rejig your action plan
you can do this.
D
Then you can rejig your action plan
you can do this.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by Dee74 
The way back starts with a day one sohard. Get rid of all the booze in the house (not down your throat) get an early night and go for a day one tomorrow.
Then you can rejig your action plan
you can do this.
D
Then you can rejig your action plan
you can do this.
D
Every day for the last week I thought would be my new day one. Every day I failed.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
I'm sorry you're struggling, SoHard.
It is simple, but not easy. Don't buy more alcohol, throw out what you have and tomorrow can be Day 1 that works for you and gets you back on track.
It is simple, but not easy. Don't buy more alcohol, throw out what you have and tomorrow can be Day 1 that works for you and gets you back on track.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Sohard
I messed up. Four and a half months sober, but now a week drinking and I just can't stop. I just can't and I don't understand why. I'm so disappointed in myself. I just want to go back to the way I was feeling after 4 1/2 months. I can't believe I took that relative stability for granted. Of course I wasn't feeling perfect, but so much better than now. Sorry. Just needed to share.
I still don't understand why I can't drink. I just know I can't.
There's no easy answer for you. The only answer is to try again.
simple but not easy. Hope you make it back.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: land of 10,000 lakes
Posts: 261
Every recovery from alcoholism began with one sober hour.
So if the plan doesn't work change the plan but never the goal.
A relapse is one way to learn what didn't work, it's not a life sentence.
You can move forward to sobriety.
Best to you.
So if the plan doesn't work change the plan but never the goal.
A relapse is one way to learn what didn't work, it's not a life sentence.
You can move forward to sobriety.
Best to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,415
Originally Posted by Sohard
I just don't know how. 
Every day for the last week I thought would be my new day one. Every day I failed.
Every day for the last week I thought would be my new day one. Every day I failed.This is you.
. Anyway, it turns out I got my dream job in my dream location, but then just like that it slipped from fingers.
What was truly amazing ,though, was that I DIDN'T DRINK. On Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday as this was being delt with (my not getting the job and my also having to smooth the very choppy waters at my school for having sought another job while under contract).
I. Did. Not. Drink.
Now, a large part of me wanted to drink, but a much larger part realized how much WORSE that would make the situation. I'd be tired, hung over, anxiety ridden, starting at square zero. It would've made a horrible situation even more horrible. And anyway, the ONLY reason I was about to be offered the dream job was because I'd been sober and been able to go out there and get it. That will never happen again if I start drinking.
For those of you who practice AVRT, that's the "Big Plan" I use. It was interesting because less of my thoughts were on "I want to drink" and more of my thoughts were "Too bad I can't drink, but I made my Big Plan to not drink and to never change my mind so that's that." What started out as seeming like a joke to me (you can change a plan, I'd once thought), now seemed firmly in cement. Permanent, despite what I may want.
What was truly amazing ,though, was that I DIDN'T DRINK. On Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday as this was being delt with (my not getting the job and my also having to smooth the very choppy waters at my school for having sought another job while under contract).
I. Did. Not. Drink.
Now, a large part of me wanted to drink, but a much larger part realized how much WORSE that would make the situation. I'd be tired, hung over, anxiety ridden, starting at square zero. It would've made a horrible situation even more horrible. And anyway, the ONLY reason I was about to be offered the dream job was because I'd been sober and been able to go out there and get it. That will never happen again if I start drinking.
For those of you who practice AVRT, that's the "Big Plan" I use. It was interesting because less of my thoughts were on "I want to drink" and more of my thoughts were "Too bad I can't drink, but I made my Big Plan to not drink and to never change my mind so that's that." What started out as seeming like a joke to me (you can change a plan, I'd once thought), now seemed firmly in cement. Permanent, despite what I may want.
Do it again and then this time work on staying sober..for good
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 635
I feel you Sohard after my relapse back in december I have not been able to put any sobriety plan together for me. As expected things had gone from bad to worst.
try to do something before it happen to you
I am trying again i don't know how I'm going to do this. best of luck to you.
try to do something before it happen to you
I am trying again i don't know how I'm going to do this. best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
Hi Sohard,
I can feel your desperation and the desire to get back on track. I have been on this site for about 3 years, and have had several "good runs" (several months sober at a time), and then I would always fall back into the hole of despair (week long binders).
My last binder ended Jan 31st, and I looked in the mirror and realized that ANYTHING would be better than what I was feeling then....
I made the commitment to stop, for good, and I am willing to do WHATEVER it takes to stay that way.
You know the first days will be rough, maybe the rest of this weekend is a good time to regroup...You can do this. Please don't let the booze take you any further down.....Your AV is having a great time fooling you....
.....Don't let it win!!!!!
Let us know how day 1 is going tomorrow, we've got your back..
WF
I can feel your desperation and the desire to get back on track. I have been on this site for about 3 years, and have had several "good runs" (several months sober at a time), and then I would always fall back into the hole of despair (week long binders).
My last binder ended Jan 31st, and I looked in the mirror and realized that ANYTHING would be better than what I was feeling then....
I made the commitment to stop, for good, and I am willing to do WHATEVER it takes to stay that way.
You know the first days will be rough, maybe the rest of this weekend is a good time to regroup...You can do this. Please don't let the booze take you any further down.....Your AV is having a great time fooling you....
.....Don't let it win!!!!!Let us know how day 1 is going tomorrow, we've got your back..
WF
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
SoDear,
I think it takes a plan to get through Day 1. Doesn't need to be complicated and can be made on the spur of the moment. And I think it is focused on something primary to alcohol. "Today I'm going to focus 100% on x and therefore won't drink."
In my experience, when I let alcohol take the lead in this dance, it wins every time.
This is hard. I believe in you.
O
I think it takes a plan to get through Day 1. Doesn't need to be complicated and can be made on the spur of the moment. And I think it is focused on something primary to alcohol. "Today I'm going to focus 100% on x and therefore won't drink."
In my experience, when I let alcohol take the lead in this dance, it wins every time.
This is hard. I believe in you.
O
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
day 1
Thank you everyone for your support. I clearly need it. OK, Day 1 begins again today. My plan for the day is to literally not leave my home. If I leave, I will pick up alcohol. My only focus has to be on not drinking. I've basically been living in squalor for the past week, so I'm going to try a major spring cleaning. I'm hoping that will help with staying sober. When I'm living in a mess, I think it helps promote being a mess myself and drinking. I don't know. I'm just trying.
I know this, though. If I make it again like I did to the feeling I got at four and a half months sober, I will never take that feeling for granted again. Ever. I really hope this works. I'm so sick of feeling this exhausted mentally and physically.
I know this, though. If I make it again like I did to the feeling I got at four and a half months sober, I will never take that feeling for granted again. Ever. I really hope this works. I'm so sick of feeling this exhausted mentally and physically.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Four and a half months is a great goal. I didn't really reap the rewards of sobriety until about 8-9 months when one day I realized my fears and anxiety were gone.
That day is worth more to me than any other thing thus far.
You can do it Sohard. Take it easy on yourself while you're cleaning, too. Don't go down the path of self-hatred. If you feel that coming up, take a break from the cleaning and go stare out the window for five minutes. I can't tackle house cleaning all in one go. I have to do it in 15 minute chunks or I get overwhelmed.
Maybe that's just me.
That day is worth more to me than any other thing thus far.
You can do it Sohard. Take it easy on yourself while you're cleaning, too. Don't go down the path of self-hatred. If you feel that coming up, take a break from the cleaning and go stare out the window for five minutes. I can't tackle house cleaning all in one go. I have to do it in 15 minute chunks or I get overwhelmed.
Maybe that's just me.
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