Looking for some help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 3
Looking for some help
Hello,
I'm new here and not sure if I'm posting in the right form? I could really use some help about now!! My wife is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober now for about 9 months. (At least to my knowledge.)
During these months, it has been a challenge with the behavior not being consistent. We have good weeks then we have bad weeks with the behavior. I have called her on her behavior when it's bad and sometimes she's understanding and will adjust it and other times it's the I don't care about you attitude.
What I need help with is she just accepted a position with a company that required her to be onsite this week which is about 3 hours away from where we live. We talked prior about how things would be handled and staying away from slippery slops. I felt good about our conversation and it helped settled some of my fears of her drinking again.
Well we didn't even make it 12 hours into the week she would be away! She stated to me she was asked to dinner tomorrow with her work. I'm assuming there will be drinking from other employee's, as this is usually how it goes at these types of dinners. I stated to her that I didn't think that was a good idea given her recovery and possible triggers that it might cause and this wasn't part of the plan we discussed prior to her leaving. We discussed she would stay away from after work functions like that. The dinner isn't a must attend to my understanding from her.
To make a long story short, the conversation didn't go so well, the behavior started showing it's ugly head again. Then she passed comments to like, they server free wine at the hotel, there's a bar here, I don't want to be treated like a child.
I stated to her, I'm not trying to treat you like a child, but needee to take responsibility for her actions and her sobriety and our relationship should be the forefront. I stated to her she wasn't doing or saying anything to help with my fears or feelings. In the end I couldn't get anywhere with her. It has that behavior again she was displaying.
So instead of easing any fears I might have, instead she just raised them even more in my opinion by the above statements.
So I need some help if I'm being over reactive to this situations or am I right by sharing my concerns and it's her responsibility to ensure her sobriety and take responsibility for her behavior with understanding my feelings?
I'm new here and not sure if I'm posting in the right form? I could really use some help about now!! My wife is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober now for about 9 months. (At least to my knowledge.)
During these months, it has been a challenge with the behavior not being consistent. We have good weeks then we have bad weeks with the behavior. I have called her on her behavior when it's bad and sometimes she's understanding and will adjust it and other times it's the I don't care about you attitude.
What I need help with is she just accepted a position with a company that required her to be onsite this week which is about 3 hours away from where we live. We talked prior about how things would be handled and staying away from slippery slops. I felt good about our conversation and it helped settled some of my fears of her drinking again.
Well we didn't even make it 12 hours into the week she would be away! She stated to me she was asked to dinner tomorrow with her work. I'm assuming there will be drinking from other employee's, as this is usually how it goes at these types of dinners. I stated to her that I didn't think that was a good idea given her recovery and possible triggers that it might cause and this wasn't part of the plan we discussed prior to her leaving. We discussed she would stay away from after work functions like that. The dinner isn't a must attend to my understanding from her.
To make a long story short, the conversation didn't go so well, the behavior started showing it's ugly head again. Then she passed comments to like, they server free wine at the hotel, there's a bar here, I don't want to be treated like a child.
I stated to her, I'm not trying to treat you like a child, but needee to take responsibility for her actions and her sobriety and our relationship should be the forefront. I stated to her she wasn't doing or saying anything to help with my fears or feelings. In the end I couldn't get anywhere with her. It has that behavior again she was displaying.
So instead of easing any fears I might have, instead she just raised them even more in my opinion by the above statements.
So I need some help if I'm being over reactive to this situations or am I right by sharing my concerns and it's her responsibility to ensure her sobriety and take responsibility for her behavior with understanding my feelings?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
Hi and welcome sdrocks 
You posted on the end of a really old thread so I made you your own thread - you'll get more response that way
It must be really hard to step back . You've probably been bailling your wife out of bad situations and steering her around the rocks for years.
It must be doubly hard when you see your wife sailing into dangerous waters.
The thing is tho - it's her recovery - it has to be.
People can talk themselves blue about not touching the stove top but sometimes the only thing that gets through is us actually touching the stove top....
Have you considered Al Anon for yourself?
It might be useful for you in terms of finding support for yourself and gaining some perspective about what your role is in all of this.
D
You posted on the end of a really old thread so I made you your own thread - you'll get more response that way
It must be really hard to step back . You've probably been bailling your wife out of bad situations and steering her around the rocks for years.
It must be doubly hard when you see your wife sailing into dangerous waters.
The thing is tho - it's her recovery - it has to be.
People can talk themselves blue about not touching the stove top but sometimes the only thing that gets through is us actually touching the stove top....
Have you considered Al Anon for yourself?
It might be useful for you in terms of finding support for yourself and gaining some perspective about what your role is in all of this.
D
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome SD rocks. It's tough living with an alcoholic, just ask my wife ;-). Thing is though, the decision does have to be hers - and the only way she'll be able to start taking responsibility for her actions is to let her do it. You cannot control every variable in her life, neither can she. Support is very beneficial and your intentions are certainly good - but you will need to let her have her space. It's difficult to do of course as most of us lost the trust of those we love due to our actions while drinking, but the only way to get it back is to walk the walk so to speak.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 557
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I strongly second the suggestion for Al-Anon, a support group for loved ones of alcoholics.
There is no way you are responsible for monitoring or policing another adult's behavior. If you don't like the way your wife is treating you or she is hurting you in some way, be honest with her and tell her how what she is doing is effecting you. She is not a child and doesn't need some sort of behavior plan. She can and will make her own decisions. Her sobriety is her responsibility.
One of the most important things I learned getting sober is that the only person I have any control over is myself. In my relationships, I can be honest about what I need, think, and feel, but I cannot make someone else honor that. I can only make decisions for myself.
There is no way you are responsible for monitoring or policing another adult's behavior. If you don't like the way your wife is treating you or she is hurting you in some way, be honest with her and tell her how what she is doing is effecting you. She is not a child and doesn't need some sort of behavior plan. She can and will make her own decisions. Her sobriety is her responsibility.
One of the most important things I learned getting sober is that the only person I have any control over is myself. In my relationships, I can be honest about what I need, think, and feel, but I cannot make someone else honor that. I can only make decisions for myself.
formerly luvSOBERlife
Join Date: May 2018
Location: East Tennessee USA
Posts: 116
Welcome Rocks! You clearly care deeply about your wife and her sobriety, enough to even seek out this great message board. You found a fantastic place for support.
I think you may be a little too supportive, so to speak. You may be trying too hard and it's kind of holding her back. SHE is the only person who can choose to drink or not to drink. SHE is the only person who is responsible for her sobriety. As great as your intentions are, she must take full ownership of this problem 100%. You'll still be there for her. But this is her drinking problem. She is the only one who can fix it.
I think you may be a little too supportive, so to speak. You may be trying too hard and it's kind of holding her back. SHE is the only person who can choose to drink or not to drink. SHE is the only person who is responsible for her sobriety. As great as your intentions are, she must take full ownership of this problem 100%. You'll still be there for her. But this is her drinking problem. She is the only one who can fix it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 65
sdrocks11 writes>>>So I need some help if I'm being over reactive to this situations or am I right by sharing my concerns and it's her responsibility to ensure her sobriety and take responsibility for her behavior with understanding my feelings?<<<
The main reason I entered recovery (AA), was due to my spouse’s example of a behavioral change toward me due to Al-Anon teachings. My spouse stopped monitoring my behavior. In other words, my spouse stopped enabling me and focused on what my spouse needed and not me.
The main reason I entered recovery (AA), was due to my spouse’s example of a behavioral change toward me due to Al-Anon teachings. My spouse stopped monitoring my behavior. In other words, my spouse stopped enabling me and focused on what my spouse needed and not me.
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