Stayingsassy

It's just tiresome. The way he smells, the money going to nights out and friends' gigs and multiple band practices and total wine and more purchases, the weird chattiness when he's had a few. I know I was more "alcoholic" (if that's even an adjective) by a long shot but I'm just tired of it and wish I didnt have to live with it for the rest of my life. The family thing is for the kids, even as they grow, so I'm not even in this thing for me. Just tired of alcohol and wish it was out of my life, now that it's out of my body and my mind.

Ironic that I was so panicked he might leave and now that I'm sober I wish he would.

How's that for some fun venting and honesty...fun times in the sassy house! One dinner, one workday, one room cleaning, one day at a time...

SteelRes211

I wish I had some advice for you sassy on how to fix your situation. It's tough to be sober around habitual drinkers expecially at home. Hang in there you will find a solution. All my best to you.

Stayingsassy

Thanks steelres. It just helps to get it out there!

SteelRes211

My situation flipped once I quit, my wife did not drink at all, but now that I don't she does. Believe me the thoughts of wishing her out has crossed my mind many times, and it may just happen.

Anna

Sassy, I think sobriety and recovery definitely change one's perspective on family and relationships. I'm sorry for your situation and I hope that you and your children can find some peace.

Stayingsassy

what in the world? Why would she start drinking when you quit?

Yes it's very interesting to work your sobriety when someone drinks regularly in the house. He's gone a lot actually so I'm not around it much, but it's such a turnoff it makes it hard to feel all warm and friendly when he's around.

Well, I'm about to go pull out the $120 in cash for myself that he spent at the bar drinking and the liquor store this week...sigh

Stayingsassy

Thanks anna. I'm just focusing on me and on them. It's alright. It is what it is. He doesn't have the push comes to shove kind of drinking I had, he's not likely to quit, and im not likely to divorce....I dont stay married for myself....so I'll just have to see how it all shakes down.

trachemys

All I can tell you is this: There's a point. A point where you decide no more. If you decide that, you have to take the step. The step is the conversation. The conversation of: "I can't take you, anymore. You have to change."

It is an incredibly selfish step to take. Demanding another make radical change for you. Sometimes, you have to do it. The choice is to change your life or continue dying.

Stayingsassy

I'm wishing I had a sober house. A sober retreat. He never drinks before 8:30 or 9pm but it's almost like the house feels sullied. I don't want to be around alcohol so much that I have pretty much avoided everything related to it, people and situations and events. Now it seems I want this too, I want it out.

why do I feel this way, is it because it's my first year? Would doing the steps remove this aversion, this complete avoidance of triggers? Is it because I'm just a dry drunk?

I can't avoid everything and everyone who drinks forever, but I really have a strong desire to do that, as unrealistic as that sounds.

MindfulMan

Would it be different if he drank BUT a lot less, and not that his livelihood centers around bars and drinking?

If a drinking spouse like that woulnt trigger or bother you, i suspect that your dissatisfaction with the relationship isnt really about his drinking.

Although I'm sure the drinking ain't exactly helping....

Working the steps might help your sobriety. Therapy also can help. For myself i had to face my underlying issues, with medication and therapy, that i was obliterating with drugs and alcohol before i truly grasped what it meant to be sober and actually start enjoying it.

I was using substances to avoid a lot of hurt, fear and sadness from events that happened so long ago that i don't really remember them. But the hurt and shame remained, free floating, and booze covered it. Take away the booze and leave the sht in place was abject misery.

Take care of yourself however you need.

Stayingsassy

I so wish therapy was more available to me, it's not covered at all by our insurance so there is this money barrier, especially with paying for two college educations. AA is free, and I keep thinking it's time, then not going...

I'm sure working through all this would be helpful...for those of you who dont pay out of pocket for therapy, be grateful!!

I spent a few thousand on therapy for my eldest when she went through a rough patch her first year in college, but not sure those thousands need to be spent here at the moment, considering that I'm not about to return to drinking or do anything else of concern.

biminiblue

It might be cheaper to just build a little retreat somewhere on your property. Can you stack something over a garage? Buy a tiny house and put it out back? Build an artist's retreat/studio out back?

I dunno. I'm single. I would never marry again unless we had a house where we could completely get away from each other, like a two master suite house, or a cottage out back or over the garage or in the basement. I've lived alone too long. I'd need my own space, bath, bedroom and kitchen area.

Stayingsassy

I have that, I keep chickens and have gardening spaces, I go upstairs to our master bedroom a lot. It's not that it's really in my face that much, it's that it's THERE, and....I'm turned off in ways I didn't used to be. Sucks. It's like there's this human bag of booze in my bed at night. Its...there. and I don't want it to be any more.

I want to cleanse myself and my environment of this horrible, destructive noxious substance and I cant. It's symbolizing all the negativity that ever happened to me yet it's in my home.

Well if I can't change this for now I'll have to accept it until I just can't anymore.

Cosima11

I understand the social isolation part. It must be hard to have such a huge barrier to intimacy with someone who is supposed to be your biggest support.

Totally different scenario I know but as I'm sure I've mentioned I work in a bar. I'm dying a slow death there. Not concerned about going back to drinking but I still feel trapped. In some ways I had to make peace with "it" (alcohol being normalized and prevalent in people's everyday lives) early on and I'm grateful for that. But I can't wait for the day when I've stepped out of the dead end once and for all..

I've very recently started going to networking meetups and it's kind of random but it helps tremendously just to be around people who are doing something that doesn't revolve around alcohol. If you have any hobbies (hiking, yoga, art, whatever) maybe try joining a meetup group? If your husband is taking time for himself to go to the bars you deserve to have your own "happy time" and sober friendships.

Stayingsassy

You work in a bar...so you do understand. That would be hard.

I was very into cross fit until recently. I got burned out on it, started gaining weight and just not feeling it. Not sure if I will i go back, I want to but it seems like too much right now. I do miss it and not doing it 4 times a week and having that outlet is bumming me out.

what seems to be building is resentment, and even for a sober alcoholic who has no desire to drink it's not a good place to be.

Mac4711

Sassy,
You’ve got me worried, there is obviously something building up in you and it’s not good. I understand that therapy is not available to you, but have you considered other options, like meditation?
The most important thing is that you now learn how to let go, otherwise the resentments will multiply and eventually hurt you.
Many folks on SR recommend practicing gratitude and you may want to think about that, too - of course there are things that are bothering you, and I am not making light of that, but there is also a ton of upside: you lead a sober life, you have healthy children, and you don’t have to worry about where your next meal comes from. Why not make it a daily habit to reflect on that?

PeacefulWater12

Just a thought, Al-anon might be more suitable and helpful to you than AA.

I am also a recovering A, my husband still an active A. I found Al-anon enormously helpful. Some people in my Al-anon home group attend AA too. Whatever option is the best fit for you.

I have a Retreat in my home. I love it. Makes a world of difference to me.

SteelRes211

I know really? The best answer I got out of her is " just because."

Stayingsassy

I see a clear distinction between now when I am sedentary and a month ago when I was very active. I've let my self care lapse.

I know what to do, it's just a matter of figuring out how. when the answer was always "more booze please" and then it's not, these things aren't always all figured out in the span of a year. I won't drink i know that. I had a long talk with my mom today, some of it with my dad, who was a longtime functional alcoholic (very white collar, very respected but ramped it up after retirement), my mother apparently finished steps in alanon which I didn't know, and she said you feel this way because you didn't do the steps and you need to go to AA. My dad was saying but she's dry, she's been dry eight months, and they went back and forth on that with My mom getting emotional as usual, but it was actually cathartic for me to talk to them, because they love me and they understand. and I have no one to talk to. so I looked at AA meetings tonight but didn't see one really for tonight, but I may go back anyway just to be around some people who are not just sober but sober by choice. Next week I'll get back into regular exercise, which was helping me enormously and I only am just realizing that now that I am not doing it.

Yet, part of the reason I am not doing it is that thing that's come over me lately. That "what's the point" thing, which is very bad, and which is why I am here, posting about it.

TheToddman

I completely get this....keep posting, Sass. Seems to me like you're having an epiphany and externalizing amongst friends is a great way to process through the s**t that you're dealing with.

Let us know how the meetings go

T.