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My story- need advise from the other side

Old 05-11-2018, 03:23 PM
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My story- need advise from the other side

I was married to an alcoholic for 5 years. I knew nothing about addiction and my husband managed to keep it hidden and keep me fooled for all that time. It was during the last year of begging his parents for help - he left me on the road at midnight multiple times while he was drunk and after not being able to understand why he was passing out with a glass of wine - that I started opening my eyes to what was going on. I then started finding the hidden bottles and confronted him. The last time , I saw him in the closet with a bottle of vodka to his mouth. It was all very scary and overwhelming to me. I was dragged to alanon by my friend when I finally opened up to her. I was also almost done paying my student loans and asked my husband to add my to his bank account. His words to me were - promise me that you will always be my wife . I did not understand why someone would make a statement like that to me and it heightened my anxiety. After multiple conversations with him about getting help and going to rehab , I realized that he was not looking to get help. He is highly functional and is high up in his career. It was when I started going to my therapist that I realized the magnitude of what I was dealing with and it immediately threw me into depression. I left one day while he was at work. He had realized that I wasn't going to be his enabler anymore and he was constantly yelling and shouting at me and controlling every minute of my life.
I never heard from him after I left. This was a year ago. Our divorce is still going on. He had played every tactic in the book to make sure I don't get a penny from him. He used to keep telling me that he knew this day was coming during our fights after his binge drinking episodes.
I have a lot of guilt for leaving him. I do miss him. I keep asking if I made the right decision. I have not been able to understand what goes on in the mind of an addict and why is he acting the way he is. I don't know if this is the right place to ask but any insight will help.
Thank you
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Old 05-11-2018, 03:30 PM
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bona fido dog-lover
 
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He sounds like a typical alkie who does not want to stop drinking. I'm glad you got out of there.

I'd try to stay away from his drama as much as possible. You don't need that crap.
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Old 05-11-2018, 04:06 PM
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Hi, Raindrops.
Welcome.
Good for you for leaving.
I hope you have a good attorney?
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Old 05-11-2018, 04:24 PM
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good luck and yes the person above is correct, you dont need his crap!!
He's miserable inside no need to carry his burden my dear!!!
Its will be over soon. (Hopefully)
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Old 05-12-2018, 01:33 PM
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Unfortunately this disease makes others sick as well. You made the right decision. Just try to leave on good terms and move on with your life. Alcoholism will rob everything in it's path. You don't have to be a victim. Don't ever feel guilty about that. Ever.
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Old 05-12-2018, 02:05 PM
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as the recovering alcoholic i can honestly say i dont know how my partner put up with me for so long. Youre well out of it. Best wishes for your future. X
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Old 05-14-2018, 05:21 AM
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Ditto on the good lawyer.

Sounds like you are still in a bit of denial about him because you still love him.

You can keep loving him and wishing him well in your heart, but not in your life.

You will never be first for him until he stops drinking and sadly you are not enough make him stop. Noone is. That is the way it works.

Dont let alcohol win -- move on and go live your life happily (and with as much of the money you are entitled to...).
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Old 05-14-2018, 06:22 AM
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If after a year behind you and you are still pining away for your ex, I think I'd either go back to my therapist or find a new therapist. Al-anon meetings, and codependency groups would be a great benefit to you as well. Check out the resources under friends and family section under forums. You need to let go of your guilt as there is no way an alcoholic will quit drinking until he/she makes that decision. Love is not enough to make anyone quit. Take the hammer away from your head unless you like the way it feels beating yourself up about it.
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Old 05-14-2018, 09:08 AM
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Of course you made the right choice. It's hard to realize we are powerless over anyone's disease but our own but acceptance is really the goal. Feelings aren't facts: just because you feel guilt doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. One of my favorite sayings: "let go or be dragged."
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