biminiblue

Oooooohhhhh. Yeah, definitely get back to exercise. Maybe try something new, other than Crossfit. Is there some sport or activity you've wanted to try, like stand-up paddle board, or country lane biking?

Also, what's going on with your food? Are you still trying to be Keto? It can mess with moods.

Stayingsassy

Eating is a disaster, bimini. Sugar has taken over. It's correlated with my moods. I'm using it to cope. It has to stop soon because it has a drug like effect on me that causes all kinds of problems. That's another thing I don't know what to do about.

I agree about the cross fit thing. I have to figure that out too.

I don't have anyone to help me figure out what I need. It's not anyone else's job. and you guys don't have to sit there and listen to me go on about how I struggle to give myself what I need but its really quite directly related to the alcohol quit.

On the upside...an old friend reached out to me last night over messenger to talk with me about some really difficult challenges in her life and that made me feel useful and supported. Yesterday was actually a pretty nice day with people I care about.

I hope these problems in having at least help give some people some insight into what it means to be fairly far along in sobriety and hit those walls, and still refuse to pick up a drink. some of the relapses in here have unfortunately been with people who had some good sober time. To those people: let me just say I understand why you did it, but remember you aren't alone in this.

Numblady

Wow, wow, wow, wow. I feel a little like I was reading a post from my own life. Not that that’s something amazing but just, thank you for posting and being honest about what you are struggling with. You may have commented on one of my threads and my tired (but sober ) brain forgot but anyhow so much of what you wrote resonated with me. As did many of the wise comments. I have been sober since 1/2/18. My husband is an active “functioning” alcoholic. Drinks probably 6-10 drinks/day. But liver tests are all normal; he’s super fit; and strangely in spite of the nasty drinking, I didn’t see him desperately chugging and waiting for the numbness to take over the way I was doing. I’m not saying either one of our habits were good...just that I started to see a difference in myself I didn’t really see in him (my hangovers were getting super bad; my liver hurt; I was always wondering if I’d been slurring; etc.).

But now that I am sober I too have been just downright disgusted with the smell of it, with the needing to plan our activities around it, with the lack of energy he has thanks to giving it to booze, etc. I usually go sleep in the guest room or he does. For me it’s in large part because of the booze smell.

I guess I would say I’m still in it for more than my kids, though. There are ways we still get along a lot. It sounds like you are in a super lonely spot. It sounds like we both may have some hard decisions to make. From what I can tell from reading around here, we’re not going to change their habits. At most we’ll have to decide if we get to a point that we can’t live with it. I am so grateful for the posters who shared advice. I had not really thought about trying al-anon for myself. I, like you, haven’t even made it to an AA meeting, though I keep looking at the schedule and wanting to go. I’m really trying to plan to attend for Mother’s Day as my gift to myself.

It seems like you are so wise to pick up on what you are feeling and post here. I think you are also really on to something with the physical exercise. I know people here say sobriety absolutely has to be first but I have extremely limited time and I at least so far will choose working out (or sleep, let’s be honest ) over squeezing out an hour plus to attend a meeting. I feel like I’ll be truly insane without workouts.

I also think MindfulMan really hit the nail on the head by saying it might not just be the drinking. Maybe I’m just projecting but for me the slavish devotion to booze bothers me most because my husband has at times been very cruel to me particularly while drinking (things are much better now; he is going to therapy; etc.) and what it really hits a nerve on is just how I haven’t really been able to count on him as another supportive adult, particularly when it comes to our kids, when I’ve needed him. This is as much about personality and his life history as it is about booze (though of course I can only specifically smell the latter!).

I’m sorry for the long post. I could have just said what I said at the beginning, which is thank you for sharing this. Also I wish you all the support and love you need. I thought the conversation with your parents was really touching. Good luck finding a meeting. Hope to chat more on how things go for you.

SparkleKitty

Hey sassy. I'm from the Friends & Family side, but I read all over the forum. I clicked on your post for your perspective on staying sober while being married to a drinker, but I'm posting because of what you wrote about eating and exercise.

I've been in recovery from codependency for about fifteen years. I was in therapy for five years, went off on my own for another nine years and tried life on life's terms with only my own sense of self to see me through, and eventually, almost four years ago, I finally had to admit to myself that even though I was about fifty times more emotionally healthy than I had ever even dreamed of being in my life--I was still suffering from disordered eating, an unhealthy fixation on the number on the scale, and distorted body image. I contacted my therapist and started up again, this time with a primary focus on these specific issues.

I think what I'm trying to say is that there is no earthly way I could have tackled issues around food simultaneously with my codependency (which for me, was an addiction to defining myself through relationships) issues. I needed to do one thing at a time in order to see things clearly and understand the impact they were each individually having on my life.

I also, frankly, needed to learn to love myself exactly as I was, as opposed to only loving myself at a certain weight or dress size. Until I could do that, unconditionally, I was not going to treat my body with the love and respect it deserved, and the whole thing was going to become a vicious cycle.

I think you should be so amazingly proud of your sobriety, especially under the circumstances you describe in this post. You have accomplished something that so many other people cannot find their way to do, and you've done with honesty and transparency and reached out to help others every step of the way. In light of that, I hope you can give yourself a break on the eating and exercising front, and just do the best to take care of yourself each day. You're already a superhero, and you don't have to figure everything out right away.

Stayingsassy

Thanks todd. I suppose I'm more open than most here but I figure most of this nonsense is not unusual or strange considering the content of this forum . The drinking spouse, the restless or depressing feelings in the first year, the lulls, the low points and not drinking over them...

Numblady thanks for your post! It's comforting to get that reassurance that I'm not alone. I'm glad it helped in at least some way to read it even though I really don't have any answers. I can't do this thing with all this life smacking me in the face and internalize it all. It's not going to work that way. It's too much sometimes. It's one thing to have the rest of the world unwinding with a bottle at the end of the day which is difficult enough going against that grain all the time, and quite another to have it right there in your living room...and then in your BED for damn sake.

Oddly last few nights I have not smelled it on him but he is sure as hell smelling my anger and may have picked up on why. Are we really even supposed to be married this long? Wasn't someone supposed to die in childbirth or consumption, or something already? The curse of modern medicine

Sparklekitty I hear you. I am actually fine with my weight and size. what I miss is the ease of cross fit when I am leaner. Easier pullups, easier sprints, easier burpees...etc. It's fun to do it as a leaner person. Every added pound of dead weight makes it so much harder. I also miss the even feeling, the better sleep, the lack of food cravings that good nutrition gives me. As for how I look, well I look fine. Especially considering the fact that I'm out of the dating market! I am still addicted to food though...I think it's both coping with stress and also the dopamine hit. Couldnt care less about being a few pounds up, except it's hard to exercise.

FindingMyNext

I've thought a lot about your OP, Sassy.

I'm approaching a year sober, and doing a lot of reflecting. My marriage is different, now, and I think about why a lot.

My situation is different from yours, outwardly, at least: My husband never knew I was drinking myself black every night. Never knew. Someone on here actually posted a response to me, early on, "Your husband certainly knew. We always think we are hiding it, but people know."

Ummmmm no. He really didn't.

And he has no clue what battle I've fought for an entire year.

It's not his fault. He is a man who categorizes things: This Is Something To Worry About, or, This Is Something That Is Fine, or, This Is Something I Must Work On, or whatever. I was always Something That Is Fine. Still am.

I'm just wondering, now, what it says about us, that I was basically drunk every evening for ten years and he didn't have a clue. Either I'm a hell of a liar and fake, or he's completely blind to the woman who lives with him. Both, probably.

I'm flabbergasted, now, to discover I'm a little angry about it. Us. Him. Our marriage.

I don't know what it all means, or what will happen. I've not told him anything about my journey, initially from embarrassment, and now because I need to figure out my motivations and my intended outcome, if I do ever come clean (accidental pun).

I don't know. I just know I'm probably different, inside, at least. And I have to figure out what it means for us.

Just... thinking of you, that's all. Thinking with you.

Berrybean

Sorry youre feeling like this. My still-drinking partner drives me bonkers at times as well. I certainly wouldn't be without the fellowship of others in recovery, and the closer friends and my sponsor who I can talk to about how my partners drinking makes me feel at times (less so nowadays to be honest, but for a while it had a big impact).

AA and step work helped me massively, as I see it does others in our situation re having a partner still drinking. Would it help you? Well, not overnight. And not without actually giving it a go. There's only one way to find out. Why not just get to a meeting today and put some others in your diary?

BB

Stayingsassy

Thank you finding and berrybean.

I can't tell you all how much it helps to hear from so many people both men and women, living with drinking spouses and making sobriety work.

Finding, I believe what you say about the husband. I also believe you must have been one heck of a peaceful blackout drunk. Hiding my chaos was never my strong point!

Yes berrybean...it would be helpful to have the group support in 3d. Sobriety keeps presenting challenges to me, and going it alone is not easy and probably why so many people relapse when they try to do it by themselves. I am determined not to relapse and that determination works, but the path maybe doesn't have to be quite so heavy.

Dropsie

Sass,

I think it woudl be good for you to do both -- excercise and find some form of outlet.

I worry that there is some black and white thinking, which can be destructive. I try very hard not to judge, maybe too hard, but I think its dangerous to blame alcohol and those who drink it for all the sins of the world.

I try to focus on only that which is in my control, which is me, and live and let live on the rest. My partner drinks, doesnt bother me a bit. Its his thing, not mine. But it does not impact me much as he does not have a problem. Of course, if it started to be a problem, could be a different story.

But I dont think your husband's drinking became a problem to you until recently, and I worry that this is because you are looking to alcohol as the problem in others as it was (was) in you.

My advice would be to let it go as much as you can and focus on Sass. The more I focus on me, the happier I am.

Stayingsassy

Yeah, dropsie. I recognize that kind of thinking also as part of a bit of dry drunk syndrome going on. Fear based, resentment based thinking. Early warning signs.

It felt off, so I started posting here to get feedback and work through it. It's helped a lot.

SR is great. People should use it more further along in sobriety. I think sometimes people feel like they should have it all figured out but it needs to be ok to admit we don't, because pretending it's all right and burying that stuff probably leads to relapse sometimes. And maybe people will relapse anyway, but it doesn't hurt to throw anything you can at this, considering the weight of the problem we've got here and the consequences that come with that first drink.

JJ991

Sassy, you sound so different to before - your unlimited energy before, used to tire me out just reading about it!! I have to agree that the change in you is concerning.
You've had loads of great advice, I hope it helps.
We're at the same stage, 8 months in. My husband is also a drinker, tries to moderate most of the time. I'm pretty much ok with it but it does annoy me at times. I have to confess that we sleep separately (young kids too fond of bed sharing!) so I don't have to bother about the stale smell, I think that probably would bother me.
We have all sorts of other issues, drinking is currently near the bottom. I feel very lonely in my marriage for other reasons, it's not a good place to be.
I remember thinking in the past that you tend to avoid alcohol if you can. I don't tend to do this, I'm pretty comfortable that others drink but I don't. Maybe dropsie has a point that your anger at alcohol is clouding things? You went off this site before because there was too much drinking on here?
I hope you can get to the bottom of it.

Dropsie

How you feeling today?

I am mad at myself for procrastinating again!

Why do I do it to mysef??

XX

Stayingsassy

JJ, you are so right. I totally left the site because people were drinking here!! I forgot about that. Yeah I've been in an avoidance pattern.

Hi dropsie. I am better. I am paying close attention to nutrition. I've returned to exercise. My husband, I suspect, reads this forum, because right after I posted that he did a 180. Hmmm..

why are you procrastinating? I've been dreaming of going back to bed all day.

A song went through my head when I was forcing myself to put my scrubs on this morning.

The old 70's Xmas cartoon, when Santa as a young boy sings "put one foot in front of the other.". It comforted me. I looked it up and listened to it because I really am that goofy. But here it goes:

Put one foot in front of the other
and soon you'll be walking across the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you'll be walking out the door.

I like it because it reminds me that I don't have to panic and look at the whole thing. I can just look at the one small step in front of me. One foot in front of the other. One small step at a time. That, I can do.

BullDog777

I think you might be transferring your disdain for booze into disdain for your husband. It's easy to do that when it's a living tangible organism.

Be mindful of something though...you lost your booze card. You know you can't ever drink safely again. Your husband, however...at least by your accounts ...seems like he has exercised some sound control.

You might be a bit envious of it even if you're not willing to admit it. Or perhaps still angry at that which kicked your a$$ in the first place-the booze.

All I'm saying is try not to take out on him - what is your issue. We are selfish people by nature and sometimes when we walk out of the fire we want to purge our life completely of everything associated with our old life. That's not wrong, but it's not always so black and white as you well know.

I think Al anon would be a great start. S#it...have a one on one with the husband. I can tell you he'd rather hear about this now then when you're already half way out the door. Maybe this can be fixed. Perhaps there can be a compromise or maybe he'll simply just say F it. It's not worth loosing my marriage over.

You're still very young in the program...your feelings towards this may change week to week for the next year or until whenever. I'm with mindful though...i think this might be a bit misplaced. An if you think therapy is expensive...divorce is 100 times more.

i hope you feel better soon.

Stayingsassy

I had to laugh a little at "you lost your booze card,". I did inDeed lose my booze card! I really am ok with that.

I appreciate your words bulldog especially the part about me being young in the program, because that's certainly what it feels like. Yet I get really hard on myself for feeling rocky, even when I have and will continue to remain sober. That's why I was calling myself a dry drunk. Yep, I could be called that sometimes.

Broken3481

I was dating a man I loved he who was a closeted alcoholic I knew he drank but not daily and to his extent. He up and left me the 1st time i told him i didnt want to hang with his drinking buddies. Now I'm dealing with the pain and depression he left me. I'd kill for him to come back. I'd kill for anything he'd give me. I've almost lost me job and myself to losing him.

Stayingsassy

Broken, I know you are in pain right now, but take a moment in your tears to look at this logistically, removing the alcohol factor. Why would you kill to get someone back who doesn't want you?

In love, chasing does no good. let people fight for you a little. and if they dont, ask yourself why? Sometimes we have a tendency to believe people can heal us. Or people can fix us. so we lose our boundaries and can only feel good when they are around. It doesn't work. People sense it and run away.

The need for physical affection is real. It's part of the reason I stay married. Early on in a relarionship that intimacy can feel like a drug. At 2 months your love hormones are through the roof, and you just got the object of your affection removed from you so it feels like withdrawal and it kind of is.

work on yourself, get a pet to cuddle, exercise, reconnect with family and friends, take good care of yourself and cultivate your own happiness. The right partner will come along if it's what you want, when people truly want a partner they tend to have one. I know beautiful, charming people who can't find anyone to love, I think because they think they want to love but deep down they dont. If it's what you truly want, it will eventually come to you.

Dropsie

Glad to hear you are back on track with the diet and excercise.

I wish I could find that track again....

Always love to read your posts!

Eaglelizard

I remember reading Buddhist scripture back in my college days (good money in that racket!) and not really understanding what "overcoming the burden of desire" was all about. Alcohol, sex, sweets, anger, all the compulsive behaviors. Life is a lot lighter without all that stuff. But I'm finding it hard to maintain what others think of as a normal relationship--it just seems like other things, stuff I have to do to make ends meet and also to maintain my personal balance, just crowd out thoughts of family, romance, etc.

Stayingsassy

I'm off track again and now I don't know what track to get back on. Still on the sober one though.