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A shell of my former self

Old 05-09-2018, 08:37 AM
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A shell of my former self

Hi, this is my first time genuinely reaching out. I've stumbled upon SR by Googling this morning "what a pint of vodka does to your body six days a week, every week for about 7.5 steady years". I've been drinking vodka for about the last year, but before that it was a pint of whiskey. Had to stop the whiskey because it's true, it does make you angrier. I'm not an angry person. I'm really laid-back and care a lot about others. The whiskey was proving to be too much for my body to handle on a daily basis. That's when I switched to vodka. I drink liquor over beer because it gives you a quicker buzz. Overall this has been a reoccurring vicious cycle since 2011. I'm about to turn 38.

In my twenties I drank a lot of beer and smoked even more weed. I smoked weed for over 10 years everyday, but I quit that when I was 30. My dad was an alcoholic and so is all his brothers and sisters. My moms dad was an alcoholic too. I never thought alcohol would be a problem for me like it was for my dad. After all it was drugs that took my dad not the alcohol.

Like my dad, I'm able to drink and function. It seems to be a curse on me. I don't miss work, I don't get sloppy, and I can still get everything that needs done in life. I will schedule my days around my drinking. My wife doesn't drink so I drink alone. My favorite is to drink one nobody is home. Then I can go into my own " private world". When I get home from work the craving srarts because that's been my routine for so long. I pop the top off the bottle and start taking shots. I then proceed to find a project around the house to do, maybe play my guitar, or just something other than sitting in front of the TV cause then I will fall asleep. I can gradually make it last up to me eating dinner later in the evening. I don't go out and drink and I hate bars. I like drinking at my house because I can control the environment. I don't like to drink when I'm upset about something because then I know I'm just running away and not dealing with it.

My life is pretty good overall and ultimately I just like the buzz I get from drinking. I don't know why I need to have a buzz everyday in my life when I'm already naturally happy in my life without it. I know alcohol is controlling me. I feel like a prisoner. I'm tired. My mind and body have taken a beating from this poison. My body, mind and memory isn't what it used to be before I used to drink daily. I'm an active person and have a physical job. To an outsider my physical shape may look good, but I feel myself deteriorating from the inside out. I've failed so many times at the "take a break" thing. I lose a piece of myself every time I try but fail. I don't even remember the last time I was sober for 30 days straight.

Once again this morning I woke up feeling ashamed for drinking during the week let alone drinking at all. As I've gotten older the recovery time for hangovers have gotten worse. But I still get up and go to work because I know my family is depending on me and a hangover is not an excuse to stay home and wallow because it was self-inflicted. So I deal with it.

I've have been sober in the past for about a week several times before and I've experienced the euphoric freedom of not having that elephant on my back. I had energy! Lots of it too. I like that feeling and I just don't know how to keep it going. A sober life is more important to me than having a buzz. I want to be finished with alcohol MORE then I want to drink it. As I said before I'm tired of the cycle.

I have a slight hangover today and I know once I start feeling better maybe tomorrow or the next day, I'll feel like I can have a drink again. Like a reward of some kind. I know I don't NEED it. Alcohol is holding me back from my goals and life in general. I am not able to give a 100% and be at my fullest potential when it's inside of me.
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Old 05-09-2018, 08:51 AM
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Welcome to SR fozzy and thanks for sharing your story. Each of our stories are unique in some way, but every single one of us has one thing in common - that at some point alcohol started making our life worse rather than better. It takes a long time to realize that for many of us too, and we live in denial and keep drinking despite the negatives.

For example, even in your post here - at one point you indicate that you can "drink and function", but you also list many examples of exactly the opposite where alcohol is affection your "functionality". You drink alone, you drink more than you plan on, your health is being affected, it affects your behavior, and it's holding you back from your goals. Doesn't rather disfunctional, doesn't it?

That's addiction in a nutshell though - it will tell you everything is fine, even when it's clearly not. The good news is that you can absolutely make the choice to quit and stay quit. You'll find a lot of support here and information on all the various ways people have gone about it. For me the first step was an unconditional acceptance of the fact that I cannot drink any amount of alcohol, ever. Using consequences ( hangovers, behavior, etc ) is not generally effective as the pain/remorse always fades - you said yourself you'll probably feel like drinking again soon. Take that option off the table permanently.
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Old 05-09-2018, 08:56 AM
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^^^^^. Exactly what Scott said- brilliant post.
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Old 05-09-2018, 09:05 AM
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Welcome to SR, foZZy; very glad that you found us.

Alcoholism is (as most of us have found) a progressive disease. Some slides to our 'bottoms' are slow and others are fast. Your bottom, though, us where you d vide it is.

You haven't YET had any extreme consequences but, if you continue drinking, there are more than likely in your future. As you read around the threads, you will hear about those consequences; some of the stories are gut wrenching.

Choose today as the day you reached YOUR bottom. Stop now before the negative consequences begin to mount. You will never regret it; I promise you.

As you read around the forum, you will hear about a Plan For Recovery. A good solid Plan (when followed) can be so beneficial.

I will post am literally know to a very good thread on a minute.
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Old 05-09-2018, 09:05 AM
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What Scott said too.

I've used a lot of "what Scott/Dee says" in my recovery. Nothing much to add but that for now.

Lot's of work to do foZ! Welcome.
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Old 05-09-2018, 09:06 AM
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As promised:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...highlight=Psst (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)
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Old 05-09-2018, 09:07 AM
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Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
What Scott said too.

I've used a lot of "what Scott/Dee says" in my recovery. Nothing much to add but that for now.

Lot's of work to do foZ! Welcome.
Yes, when they speak, listen!
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Old 05-09-2018, 09:09 AM
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You may also want to consider joining an SR Class:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-one.html
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Old 05-09-2018, 09:13 AM
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Welcome to SR, I relate to a lot you share.
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Old 05-09-2018, 09:28 AM
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Your situation sounds a lot like what mine was, 1-2 years before it all went straight to hell and I came very close to losing everything meaningful in my life. There are not many people who can drink as much and often as you say you do, and avoid the ratcheting effect of the intake going up and up and the consequences getting worse and worse, which drives the intake up even higher. Now is an awesome time to get out from under the oppression of alcohol and quit for good, but maybe it's easier to wrap your brain around something closer? Quit, absolutely, no way you're going to change your mind, use whatever support you need, for at least 3 months and then see where you are?
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Old 05-09-2018, 09:49 AM
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Welcome to you, foZZy - we're so glad you found us & decided to post. My life became so much better when I began reading & posting here. Everyone understands - and you are never alone.

I had all sorts of warning signs when I was younger. I managed my drinking quite well for a long time. It was fun, relaxing - a way to cope (or so it seemed). As I grew older - and the drinking years added up - I found myself completely dependent on it. I never made a move without it in my system. I drank at work, never drew a sober breath. I never imagined I'd ever let it overtake me that way - but it ran my life. I was so thankful to get free of it, 10 yrs. ago. I'm happy you see what needs to happen - you will never regret facing the truth.
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Old 05-09-2018, 10:06 AM
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There’s a lot of wisdom here already, so all I want to say is: welcome here and, I hope, welcome to sobriety.
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Old 05-09-2018, 11:50 AM
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Thanx everyone for the support. I've been rereading your post and checking out the links you shared with me. I know I'm not the only one that ever went through this. It's nice to finally have some contact with people who really understand. Reading all the different posts about people that are just like me gives me hope.
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Old 05-09-2018, 03:33 PM
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Originally Posted by foZZy1 View Post
Thanx everyone for the support. I've been rereading your post and checking out the links you shared with me. I know I'm not the only one that ever went through this. It's nice to finally have some contact with people who really understand. Reading all the different posts about people that are just like me gives me hope.
We are in this thing together, foZZy.
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Old 05-09-2018, 04:54 PM
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I was just going to say welcome lol, but seeing as I got a wrap...

SR really helped me move from being a drinker who sometimes took breaks, to really wanting, and achieving a sober life.

I hated the face I saw in the mirror - I was ashamed for sure but more than that I hated the dead sad resigned eyes staring back at me.

This community gave me hope I could change...for good.

Just seeing my own story in text and reading others stories helped me accept that
I had a really big problem that no 'time off' was goign to fix - I had a toxic relationship with alcohol and I needed to excise alcohol from my life.

Read around post as much as you like, ask questions, see what others are doing to stay sober.

I'm really glad you found us foZZy1

D
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Old 05-10-2018, 05:11 AM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
Each of our stories are unique in some way, but every single one of us has one thing in common - that at some point alcohol started making our life worse rather than better.
This is a great summation of the problem.
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