Pacoloco

I have an important person in my family who drinks beer every-single-day. He drinks literally all the time. He does not get wasted or agressive or anything. He shows up to work everyday. But I know he has a serious problem and I'm very worried.

But he is really in deep denial, I can't reach him. I've tried.

He is an important friend and family member. I'm the godfather of his son. It is a big deal.

I quit drinking a month ago. I don't want to be a part of it. I want to set an example for him and his son. I don't know what else I can do to help, he clearly don't think he needs any help or guidance. I'm afraid this will end baddly and I'm obviously worried.

Any thoughts? Can I help him in some way? I really appreciate any input. Thanks.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear about your friend Pacoloco, and congrats on your month sober. Since you've been here for several years now battling your own addiction issues, I think you are probably pretty familiar with the denial routine. I think living by example is a great thing you can do. You could certainly offer advice as a friend, but remember that it might also be met with resistance and resentment. Think about your own personal experience when you were actively drinking - how did you react to people that told you that you needed to quit?

The bottom line is that your friend will need to make the decision to quit on his own. No one can force him to do it, and remember that bringing up the subject could easily be met with resistence. Addiction is an incredibly selfish thing - and while your intentions are good, they may be perceived as a threat rather than help.

doggonecarl

Did someone talk you into getting sober?

Pacoloco

I do get your point, but the way I see it, this was a non-friendly response.

I did not say I was going to "talk him into getting sober". I just wanted to talk to someone about it, see if anyone had an idea of how I could help him in anyway.

Bubovski

Dealing with family members can be very difficult (most people for that matter)
If you try and make him think you are right and he is wrong he may well become more defensive.
By gently discussing issues related to alcoholism, such as cancer, liver disease, violence, drunk drivers, cost, etc and the general negative social impact you just might get some valuable stuff through to him.
No guarantees, but I would recommend the softly, softly approach.

Eddiebuckle

Paco,

From what you wrote, it sounds like you did try to talk to him. If he's not interested, nothing you or anyone else can say will change that. Our disease is built on a foundation of delusion. No one can delude us - it is maintaining a false belief despite all evidence that it is false - only we can do that to ourselves. If you let him know that you are concerned and stand ready to help if he wants it, there's not a whole lot more you can do.

doggonecarl

Your concerns are shared by many a friend/family member of an alcoholic. Maybe you will find the answer you seek here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

Dee74

I think Paco posted here to get the experiences of alcoholics.
The least we can do is share a little of that experience.

Hi Paco - I'm sorry for what brings you to this side of the forum.

If you've tried talking to the guy and got no response. I'm not sure there's anything else you can do until he's ready to quit.

Its hard, but sometimes all we can do is share our experience and then it's up the guy in question.

I wasn't ready to quit for years, despite an obvious problem and despite the many cogent arguments of my friends and loved ones...but when I did quit those people were the ones whose counsel I sought out.

Hopefully he might seek you out one day soon.

In any case you going teetotal might be an inspiration to him as well - you never know.

D

JudicatorPanzer

This is one of the hardest things. They have to want to quit. Have you tried al-anon or attending AA with him?

Cosima11

It is hard. I have a friend who I'm really worried about. We were drinking buddies, even when we lived far apart we would talk on the phone for hours, drunk. Now that I'm sober he's stopped communicating, rarely answers my calls. And I have never once tried to preach at him or persuade him to stop in any way.

Sadly there really isn't much you can do other than help yourself first. Be an example as you said. Your relationships will change shapes in sobriety, because you are changing.. Let him know you're there for him if he needs you but keep your boundaries in a healthy condition.

Pacoloco

Thanks everyone.

I never said to him he should quit. I just tried a few times to reason that it's something bad for health, that drinking daily can't be good. But he is in deep denial. Not much to do about it, really.