Mtphc

Ok just recovered from the worst relapse of my life.

I went through the worst thing ever. Like I had mentioned in a previous thread, I was about 8 months sober thought it would be ok to have a drink due to the sobriety time and things just spiralled completely out of control.

God this was the worst thing ever. I really did prove to myself that I will never EVER be able to go back to normal drinking.

Stayingsassy

I'm at eight months so I get why you felt that way. No drinking for me though: I don't drink anymore.

shut that door! I think we all know the quits we have that have a door cracked open. for me, if the door is cracked I will eventually blow it wide open weeks or months later.

You'll know how wide the crack is by how many drinking thoughts start to slip in. when it's locked the thoughts either don't come or are very rare.

Shut it and lock it. No excuses. Be a nondrinker, be done.

Mtphc

Yeah exactly, this will not happen again, it was complete insanity, could not stop during that relapse.

Thank God I was able to get a leave of absence during that whole entire binge, which was basically non stop. It was so bad that I said something stupid during my drunken stupor at the ER (was there to get meds to detox) and I ended up being sent to behaverioul health, which I must say right now was the most horrific thing having to stay at facility like that all because I said something idiotic during my intoxication. God I feel so stupid for making it sound like I was suicidal, but that's how drunk I was and obviously I wasnt thinking.

Stayingsassy

You also posted suicidal ideations here. It's par for the course: we are alcoholics. I am so glad you put it down without hurting yourself.

Just be done. there will never be a good excuse to drink. No amount of time off will change the outcome. It's done, and now you learn to live your life without it.

Dee74

I'm glad you made it back

D

lessgravity

Brutal stuff. My last couple times I've run vodka as well. Feels like the final move for many of us.

Glad to hear you are doing ok. 9 months sounds amazing. Hope you can get back there.

Gottalife

[QUOTE=Mtphc;6889353]Yeah exactly, this will not happen again, it was complete insanity, could not stop during that relapse.

The complete insanity, in reality, was what was going on in your mind in the moments before the fatal first drink.. I think you proved a couple of things. Certainly that you can never drink safely, but more than that, that your mind with its memories and past experience is, at certain times, incapable of providing you with an effective defence against the first drink. Didn’t your mind tell you it ought to be ok this time?

So when, in the title of your thread you said you were back on track, I hope you have modified it a bit in the light of your experience. If it is the same track as before, it will most likely lead to the same destination.

Mtphc

Thanks.

Yeah those suicide thoughts were basically due to the fact that I could NOT stop drinking, it was like I was stuck in this vicious cycle that had no end in sight. I just kept going to the store to get more vodka everytime I would run out, and when I drink I don't mix it nor do I take shots, it's straight from the bottle. But yes you're right it's done. That was a horrible and dark place to be. So glad it's over

Mtphc

[QUOTE=Gottalife;6889562] You're right it can't be the same track as before, I must choose a new path, like making some major changes versus what I've been doing in the past, like loosing all this resentment I have with my family and start looking at things from their standpoint and not just my own, I believe that's whats going on with me, my ego and the resentment I have to let that go

Mtphc

Thanks Dee

Grungehead

Here's what AA's founder Bill Wilson thought about resentments:

"Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick."

Alcoholics Anonymous 1st Edition p. 64

I found this to be true for me. I had some "impressive" stretches of sobriety but eventually I would return to the insanity of that first drink, and once that happened there was no telling how long I would continue drinking (the last time was for 8 years). Out of desperation I finally worked the steps (my "plan") which deals with resentments by putting them down on paper, analyzing them and then making things right with those involved. It changed everything!

So even for people who don't/won't do AA, I would suggest finding some method for honestly dealing with resentments. It was a HUGE burden lifted off of me when I was able to let go of resentments and clear away the wreckage of the past.

doggonecarl

Are you counting on your recent misery to keep you sober? Your pattern is to binge, suffer, then get sober. Before your last relapse you wrote this:

Yet it wasn't enough to keep you from relapsing again. And while I'm sure you feel like this time is it for drinking, our addiction has a way of making us forget.

While it was the hangover from hell that got me to vow that "I'm done drinking," I had to find a recovery method that would ensure I stayed sober. One that not only taught me how to be sober, but to live and love a sober life.

Hope you find something that works for you, for as you pointed out, these binges are just going to get worse.

Sohard

I'm so happy you're back on track. You've obviously been through hell and back. You certainly deserve to stay on track. Let yourself really live on it, with the fun twists and turns it allows you to take and the places it allows you to go, for the rest of your life.

wynwrights

I can only echo this: you deserve sobriety. My very best to you.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear that Mtphc, glad you are back though. A couple of thoughts:

If you "thought it would be ok to have a drink", I'd suggest that perhaps you were either not following your sobriety plan, or perhaps you did not have one? What do you think you might change moving forward?

Secondly, this is not the first time you've had a horrific binge - do you honestly think you needed yet another to prove it to yourself that you cannot drink? I would suggest you already knew that the last time prior to your 8 months sober.

Both of those thoughts tie very closely back to the concept of acceptance. For me, nothing worked until I accepted unconditionally that drinking even 1 sip of alcohol is never, and will never, be an option for me.

Mtphc

Thanks Sohard.

The real bad thing about this this time is the fact that now my doctor put a diagnosis on me after this last relapse, now my chart says "mild alcohol abuse in early remission" and the worst part is that I work in that same clinic (different department), and I'm just not comfortable with that, but yeah its my own doing. And also the fact that I ended up in behavioral health for being so drunk and saying something so stupid.

Jesus Christ I just feel so dumb and have so much regret this time around. I just can't stop thinking about that.

Stayingsassy

Ah so you are in healthcare? I have to be very, very quiet about my problem. If even a whiff gets out that I might have had a diagnosis of alcoholism i get an investigation. I think one friend from work knows but she knew all along so telling her was just a continuation of our previous discussions. Even then I just said "I stopped drinking and I'm sober now," left it at that and all other friends at work I have left in the dark, I dodge alcohol related work functions ( meeting at bars and restaurant happy hours) and when I have to go I just don't drink and dodge questions about why.

some of my co-workers have gotten together and talked of stories about other departments in other cities in my company where co-workers were fired for suspicion of an alcohol problem. It becomes quite the witch hunt.

Privacy and anonymity matter more in some fields than others but that doesn't mean you can't seek help and support. I use SR and avrt; I come here when I am going through difficult periods, like lately...I stick very close and post and read here. It helps remind you. Dont leave the forums if AA is a barrier for you.

Mtphc

Yeah it's bad, I'm pretty paranoid about this now. What if someone in my department looks at my chart(HIPPA violation), just to Snoop, that's my fear, even my boss, who knows.

Mtphc

Yeah I'm just astonished that I can't contain myself once I start, what the hell is wrong with me I say to myself. I mean I get it, I understand how this works, and why I'm reacting this way to the booze. But still, it's like I could be so close to losing everything, and almost not care while intoxicated. It's unbelievable

A relapse for an alcoholic like myself really is dangerous

Sohard

No! Don’t feel dumb! Would you feel dumb if you relapsed from cancer? Any other illness?? Addiction is REAL. Very real. Don’t allow yourself to feel dumb and don’t beat yourself up. Having an addiction to alcohol has beaten you up enough. Now you just have to treat yourself kindly. I mean it. After everything, you deserve it.