Planning and Plotting. Lying and Dying. A week in the life of a drinking housewife.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 269
Originally Posted by joandmelandhan 
Ah well you are in luck! I'm here every day without fail. It's one of my "things": post on SR every day and never lie.
I don't know if you've had a good look around yet but there is a new thread each month for those seeking sobriety to support one another so this month will be the Class of May 2018. Also the 24 hour thread is a place to go each day to commit to 24 hours of sobriety. A great place with some lovely caring people.
Take care xxx
I don't know if you've had a good look around yet but there is a new thread each month for those seeking sobriety to support one another so this month will be the Class of May 2018. Also the 24 hour thread is a place to go each day to commit to 24 hours of sobriety. A great place with some lovely caring people.
Take care xxx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 979
What powerful posts BND - I too am a 47 year old mom whose children have seen/experienced more than any child ever should. I remember the Elizabeth Vargas interview on20/20 where she said I would do anything for my kids. I would die for them, but I couldn’t quit drinking for them.
My kids are my entire world - alcohol has taken sooo very much from them, from me and from our family. Your posts really hit home for me and I can see myself in them so very much. Quitting alcohol and staying quit is THE hardest thing I have ever done. You’re not alone sister. ;-)
My kids are my entire world - alcohol has taken sooo very much from them, from me and from our family. Your posts really hit home for me and I can see myself in them so very much. Quitting alcohol and staying quit is THE hardest thing I have ever done. You’re not alone sister. ;-)
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
48 here. As I go along in sobriety I have sadness and pangs when certain things come up. Last night it hit me how many family dinners I missed, or didn't eat, or don't remember and it hurts my heart. Drinking again doesn't fix that, and today is today, and what comes up for me to deal with is what comes up. It's my cross to bear. I'm sober today and that's what counts.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 979
Sassy, I too struggle with what I missed, what I wasn’t really “present”for. What I showed up for, but knew I had a bottle waiting for me when I got home. Rushing around at Christmas or Thanksgiving or Easter or Mother’s Day or a family members bday. Not really rushing, but when the event was over I was quick to leave because I had that freaking bottle waiting for me. It’s sickening, disgusting, repulsive. At my core, that’s the absolute polar opposite of who I am or what I believe. I hate alcohol, but I ran/run to it every time.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,912
Very powerful stuff. I could have missed this but other than sheer force of will do you have a plan and/or are you seeking help? I think you mentioned the concept of asking for help. Just didn’t know if you are calling in reinforcements , going to meetings, etc.
Look forward to hearing your success story!
Look forward to hearing your success story!
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
BND,
I'm so happy for you starting out on this new road. It's likely to be much more scenic once you get past the boring patches.
I'm a single mom who drank through my girls' teenage years. I identify with the sneaking and lies and gaslighting you write about. That and the deterioration of what little self-worth I had. It seems that the more I confront this thing, the more I am able to open up to other people, the more hope there is. It certainly has helped me; talking to the right people in real life is the next big step. I hope you are able to do the same - it can be such a relief!
O
I'm so happy for you starting out on this new road. It's likely to be much more scenic once you get past the boring patches.
I'm a single mom who drank through my girls' teenage years. I identify with the sneaking and lies and gaslighting you write about. That and the deterioration of what little self-worth I had. It seems that the more I confront this thing, the more I am able to open up to other people, the more hope there is. It certainly has helped me; talking to the right people in real life is the next big step. I hope you are able to do the same - it can be such a relief!
O
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Originally Posted by Obladi
it can be such a relief!
Truly.
I have all the regrets of a drunk father - I could wallow and self-flagellate in the memories of causing my sweet son pain, his confusion and anxiety about a drunk father, ugh.
BUT I will say, even though I've fallen off and gotten back on etc this past year, my stretches of sobriety have shown me that I can at least be there now for him and for his whole future. There is such a relief in that, one I cherish and will use any time the Beast comes prowling.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 269
Originally Posted by Obladi
BND,
I'm so happy for you starting out on this new road. It's likely to be much more scenic once you get past the boring patches.
I'm a single mom who drank through my girls' teenage years. I identify with the sneaking and lies and gaslighting you write about. That and the deterioration of what little self-worth I had. It seems that the more I confront this thing, the more I am able to open up to other people, the more hope there is. It certainly has helped me; talking to the right people in real life is the next big step. I hope you are able to do the same - it can be such a relief!
O
I'm so happy for you starting out on this new road. It's likely to be much more scenic once you get past the boring patches.
I'm a single mom who drank through my girls' teenage years. I identify with the sneaking and lies and gaslighting you write about. That and the deterioration of what little self-worth I had. It seems that the more I confront this thing, the more I am able to open up to other people, the more hope there is. It certainly has helped me; talking to the right people in real life is the next big step. I hope you are able to do the same - it can be such a relief!
O
As for talking to people in real life, I no longer trust social workers/counselors/psychologists because of horrible experiences when I attempted to open up to them in the past. My husband is very supportive and is a counselor by trade, though sometimes it truly is a conflict of interest for him to be my "counselor" and presents some issues.
Thank you so much for sharing with me.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
It's so good to see you, BrandNewDay. Thank you for the insightful post. It describes me almost exactly back when I was raising my son. I wish with all my heart I had stopped in my 40's. Instead, I played the game of trying to moderate - my life fell apart. You will likely help many with your heartfelt post. Thank you for the reminder that I can never go back to that hell.
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Location: SoCAL
Posts: 152
BND
How are you doing today my dear? I hope that all is well and that you are still fighting the good fight. There seems to be alot of support on SR for you , and that is amazing, so please remember we all know that you can do this....
As fuel to help you this this transition, keep your boys on your mind, do this for them as well, they deserve the best mom you can be, as a father I realized that as great as I thought I was , I was probably at about 50-60% of the role model , leader I was meant to be.
It was unfair and 100% selfish of me to be what I was .......
Sobriety is the best gift you can give yourself and your family, its worth all of the money in the world.....
In no time all this will be just a bad memory if you choose it to be, you can really start living today, loving more than you ever have ......
Please keep us posted ....
How are you doing today my dear? I hope that all is well and that you are still fighting the good fight. There seems to be alot of support on SR for you , and that is amazing, so please remember we all know that you can do this....
As fuel to help you this this transition, keep your boys on your mind, do this for them as well, they deserve the best mom you can be, as a father I realized that as great as I thought I was , I was probably at about 50-60% of the role model , leader I was meant to be.
It was unfair and 100% selfish of me to be what I was .......
Sobriety is the best gift you can give yourself and your family, its worth all of the money in the world.....
In no time all this will be just a bad memory if you choose it to be, you can really start living today, loving more than you ever have ......
Please keep us posted ....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 269
Originally Posted by NulaMeansZero
BND
How are you doing today my dear? I hope that all is well and that you are still fighting the good fight. There seems to be alot of support on SR for you , and that is amazing, so please remember we all know that you can do this....
As fuel to help you this this transition, keep your boys on your mind, do this for them as well, they deserve the best mom you can be, as a father I realized that as great as I thought I was , I was probably at about 50-60% of the role model , leader I was meant to be.
It was unfair and 100% selfish of me to be what I was .......
Sobriety is the best gift you can give yourself and your family, its worth all of the money in the world.....
In no time all this will be just a bad memory if you choose it to be, you can really start living today, loving more than you ever have ......
Please keep us posted ....
How are you doing today my dear? I hope that all is well and that you are still fighting the good fight. There seems to be alot of support on SR for you , and that is amazing, so please remember we all know that you can do this....
As fuel to help you this this transition, keep your boys on your mind, do this for them as well, they deserve the best mom you can be, as a father I realized that as great as I thought I was , I was probably at about 50-60% of the role model , leader I was meant to be.
It was unfair and 100% selfish of me to be what I was .......
Sobriety is the best gift you can give yourself and your family, its worth all of the money in the world.....
In no time all this will be just a bad memory if you choose it to be, you can really start living today, loving more than you ever have ......
Please keep us posted ....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm sorry. While active we irreparably destroy relationships that matter the most. But I believe we must be willing to get help and go to any lengths to stay sober. Hopefully this is a bottom? Do you have a plan?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
BND, your post truly resonates with the years of scheming and denial I went through too. You are definitely not alone.
Whatever happens, do not stop trying, and do not give up on yourself. It gets nothing but worse. I am a glimmering example- yesterday is more of a mystery than a memory. It doesn't take getting drunk at all to get to this point for me.
I am 34. My mental capacity went backwards over night. For the record, one day of drinking turned into a steady downward spiral to 8 months of what you wrote about and then worse.
Just like we learn how to hide, sneak, manage, whatever, when your memory starts going you take measures to compensate, to hide, and to make up for what is lacking.
Sure I used to love beer. And coolers. And at some point, it just came down to straight vodka. What a funny-unfunny thing. I can drink vodka straight to I have to drink vodka to stay straight.
You're absolutely right, coming here and writing the words down is tremendous help and why I keep coming back here. I need to remember part of yesterday. I need to remember I want to fix what I can here. If I get that chance.
It can and does get worse. My lows were really low too. I know though this may not reach the same low as it did before but also I have run out of chances. So grab what you can for help and strength.
I think if you haven't already, it would be great to print out this very well written post and stick it in a recovery journal or binder. It's good to remember.
There just comes a point that when we forget, we really forget. And we very well could not be able to get any of that back.
Love Delz
Whatever happens, do not stop trying, and do not give up on yourself. It gets nothing but worse. I am a glimmering example- yesterday is more of a mystery than a memory. It doesn't take getting drunk at all to get to this point for me.
Thanks guys.
Its not really great. I have to write everything down as sometimes I have no recollection of the day before. 5 minutes before is a struggle. So a fair bit of trouble yet I seem to function normally. Got a good idea what's going on because there is other stuff. No need to Dr. Google, I am not dumb. This is not a good situation. Or one I've ever felt.
The cavalry has been called. I am going to be sick and p*ssed off for awhile
Choices in courses of circles. I have to remain so focused. All kinds of frikken trouble brewing.
You only get so many chances so do not screw it up. My brain function flipped overnight. Has not changed. I look fine. I act fine. I just feel done in.
All it took was one drink to start this crap. Good job Del.
No need for hospital ushering. I know. That's what the cavalry and 911 is for.
Seriously hate myself.
Its not really great. I have to write everything down as sometimes I have no recollection of the day before. 5 minutes before is a struggle. So a fair bit of trouble yet I seem to function normally. Got a good idea what's going on because there is other stuff. No need to Dr. Google, I am not dumb. This is not a good situation. Or one I've ever felt.
The cavalry has been called. I am going to be sick and p*ssed off for awhile
Choices in courses of circles. I have to remain so focused. All kinds of frikken trouble brewing.
You only get so many chances so do not screw it up. My brain function flipped overnight. Has not changed. I look fine. I act fine. I just feel done in.
All it took was one drink to start this crap. Good job Del.
No need for hospital ushering. I know. That's what the cavalry and 911 is for.
Seriously hate myself.
Just like we learn how to hide, sneak, manage, whatever, when your memory starts going you take measures to compensate, to hide, and to make up for what is lacking.
Sure I used to love beer. And coolers. And at some point, it just came down to straight vodka. What a funny-unfunny thing. I can drink vodka straight to I have to drink vodka to stay straight.
You're absolutely right, coming here and writing the words down is tremendous help and why I keep coming back here. I need to remember part of yesterday. I need to remember I want to fix what I can here. If I get that chance.
It can and does get worse. My lows were really low too. I know though this may not reach the same low as it did before but also I have run out of chances. So grab what you can for help and strength.
I think if you haven't already, it would be great to print out this very well written post and stick it in a recovery journal or binder. It's good to remember.
There just comes a point that when we forget, we really forget. And we very well could not be able to get any of that back.
Love Delz
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 269
Originally Posted by kittycat3
Hey BND, sounds like you know you need to quit. What’s your plan?
Check in every day on this forum, read and comment on at least 1 post, and sign up for the daily sobriety pledge
Journal every day
Utilize techniques from The 30 Day Sobriety Solution book, which is a book that I relate to on many levels.
I'm not sure if that is enough. What more can I do? AA meetings are not for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Originally Posted by BrandNewDay11
Right now my plan is this:
Check in every day on this forum, read and comment on at least 1 post, and sign up for the daily sobriety pledge
Journal every day
Utilize techniques from The 30 Day Sobriety Solution book, which is a book that I relate to on many levels.
I'm not sure if that is enough. What more can I do? AA meetings are not for me.
Check in every day on this forum, read and comment on at least 1 post, and sign up for the daily sobriety pledge
Journal every day
Utilize techniques from The 30 Day Sobriety Solution book, which is a book that I relate to on many levels.
I'm not sure if that is enough. What more can I do? AA meetings are not for me.
Have you read Rational Recovery?
I like AA meetings here and there, generally not for me either.
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Location: SoCAL
Posts: 152
Also throw in some outside exercise, call me crazy but even just walking around , SOBER with a clear head. Get the blood flowing , maybe after dinner or early afternoon. Just a nice 30 minute excursion so you can reflect on how amazing everything is being sober.........
Breaking a sweat does wonders....
Breaking a sweat does wonders....
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