Finally has a sober wife, now it's in his band...
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Finally has a sober wife, now it's in his band...
Husband is still dealing with an active alcoholic...in his band. I dont know how many of you have ever been in bands, but the members become like family and business partners and friends. This alcoholic is completely unstable at this point. Trashed and incoherent at practices and gigs. messaging band members all through the night. Posting insane public rants on social media. You get the idea....
my husband finally comes home to peacefulness and then gets hit with dealing with it with a friend.
He's been doing a lot of review of my end stage drinking and my quit with me since dealing with this band friend. Talking to me a lot about it. I'm far enough from drinking that I feel comfortable talking about it with him. Another band member keeps saying let's talk it over with him, let's reason with him, let's give him an ultimatum and he will pull himself together...husband has been the advisor for them all, telling them no it doesn't work that way, he is not himself, the alcohol is making him crazy, he is too unpredictable and he's in enough denial that he will never be able to make the commitment to sobriety so this is not going to work.
Husband says he is biting his tongue explaining all this, keeping his wife and family confidentiality while giving advice. He knows they dont really know why he knows all this. He said to me.... "I just went through all of this with you, we are finally free of it and peaceful at home, and now it's in my band...."
props to all the family members out there knowing more than you ever really wanted to know about this terrible thing.
my husband finally comes home to peacefulness and then gets hit with dealing with it with a friend.
He's been doing a lot of review of my end stage drinking and my quit with me since dealing with this band friend. Talking to me a lot about it. I'm far enough from drinking that I feel comfortable talking about it with him. Another band member keeps saying let's talk it over with him, let's reason with him, let's give him an ultimatum and he will pull himself together...husband has been the advisor for them all, telling them no it doesn't work that way, he is not himself, the alcohol is making him crazy, he is too unpredictable and he's in enough denial that he will never be able to make the commitment to sobriety so this is not going to work.
Husband says he is biting his tongue explaining all this, keeping his wife and family confidentiality while giving advice. He knows they dont really know why he knows all this. He said to me.... "I just went through all of this with you, we are finally free of it and peaceful at home, and now it's in my band...."
props to all the family members out there knowing more than you ever really wanted to know about this terrible thing.
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I lost my music career over drinking.
I didn't want to hear what anyone had to say and lashed out verbally quite violently when people tried to reason with me.
In the end I hated them all with a passion at the time, but looking back it was the best thing anyone ever did for me....and for them too - a working band is a business and an out of control 'employee', family or not, needs fixing before the whole band goes down.
I didn't sober up right away but that was definitely a signpost pointing to the exit.
D
I didn't want to hear what anyone had to say and lashed out verbally quite violently when people tried to reason with me.
In the end I hated them all with a passion at the time, but looking back it was the best thing anyone ever did for me....and for them too - a working band is a business and an out of control 'employee', family or not, needs fixing before the whole band goes down.
I didn't sober up right away but that was definitely a signpost pointing to the exit.
D
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At least you're able to talk with him about it.. I've been wanting to do that with the guy I'm seeing but really can't seem to find the words.
It's amazing really how even 5 years ago I didn't have a clue about any of this so explaining it to "normies" is still a bit challenging. And it's not a lesson anyone wants to learn but I do think understanding addiction can only be beneficial even for people who never have to experience it personally. The band situation is tricky since as you said it's business and friendship rolled into one..
It's amazing really how even 5 years ago I didn't have a clue about any of this so explaining it to "normies" is still a bit challenging. And it's not a lesson anyone wants to learn but I do think understanding addiction can only be beneficial even for people who never have to experience it personally. The band situation is tricky since as you said it's business and friendship rolled into one..
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Originally Posted by Dee74 
I lost my music career over drinking.
I didn't want to hear what anyone had to say and lashed out verbally quite violently when people tried to reason with me.
In the end I hated them all with a passion at the time, but looking back it was the best thing anyone ever did for me....and for them too - a working band is a business and an out of control 'employee', family or not, needs fixing before the whole band goes down.
I didn't sober up right away but that was definitely a signpost pointing to the exit.
D
I didn't want to hear what anyone had to say and lashed out verbally quite violently when people tried to reason with me.
In the end I hated them all with a passion at the time, but looking back it was the best thing anyone ever did for me....and for them too - a working band is a business and an out of control 'employee', family or not, needs fixing before the whole band goes down.
I didn't sober up right away but that was definitely a signpost pointing to the exit.
D
Yes cosima, it really is a phenomenon you have to have close to you to really get the depth of the problem. I hope you can find a way to help him understand...without freaking him out!
Yeah 'legoth...since dealing with this band friend he has seemed far more grateful at home than usual. It puts a spotlight on what he went through.
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Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
Yes cosima, it really is a phenomenon you have to have close to you to really get the depth of the problem. I hope you can find a way to help him understand...without freaking him out!
He kinda gets it since we both smoke cigarettes, but were talking about quitting the other day and he said "it's just not as easy for me as it is for you". Which makes me sad as he clearly thinks it was just an easy decision I didn't care enough to make.. So anyway sorry for venting lol
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Talking to me a lot about it.
im glad ya's have good communication. however, it is the band memebers and the alcoholic they should be discussing this with. if they dont do something about it, they are enabling this band member to continue the insanity.
many,many bands have had to face the same dilemma.
dave mustane, ozzy,, pete willis( who said the firing was the best thing that ever happened to him), steve alder. just a few off the top of my head.
they all got sober eventually and the bands they were fired on survived.
im glad ya's have good communication. however, it is the band memebers and the alcoholic they should be discussing this with. if they dont do something about it, they are enabling this band member to continue the insanity.
many,many bands have had to face the same dilemma.
dave mustane, ozzy,, pete willis( who said the firing was the best thing that ever happened to him), steve alder. just a few off the top of my head.
they all got sober eventually and the bands they were fired on survived.
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Yep. They had a chat with him that they would be moving on last week. He said to the rest of the band last night.... "tonight he will be on his best behavior, it doesn't mean he's ok.". Sure enough he was lucid last night and managed to hold off his drinking until band practice started....rather than drinking all day per usual.
the tricky part is that there are gigs lined up. Now the alcoholic is trying to set up gigs further out to make it harder to kick him out.
so they are in an awkward holding pattern until some gigs are finished. Husband said..." it's like you know you're going to break up but you already asked your girlfriend to the company party.... " lol.
Classic behavior really...turn on the charm, act like it's all under control long enough to reel people back in.
the tricky part is that there are gigs lined up. Now the alcoholic is trying to set up gigs further out to make it harder to kick him out.
so they are in an awkward holding pattern until some gigs are finished. Husband said..." it's like you know you're going to break up but you already asked your girlfriend to the company party.... " lol.
Classic behavior really...turn on the charm, act like it's all under control long enough to reel people back in.
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Sorry that he (and you) have to deal with this. But it sounds like this band member will self-destruct before long. Or he'll get sober. Miracles do happen.
Too bad they can't just part ways and have him rejoin later if he ever gets his sht together.
I'm not a musician but I have lots of very close friends who are in bands. Musical differences are bad enough. I've never known a band that didn't have some squabbling and conflict. To add an alcoholic member into the mix (not all that uncommon, of course) must be unbearable, especially if it continues for any significant time.
Too bad they can't just part ways and have him rejoin later if he ever gets his sht together.
I'm not a musician but I have lots of very close friends who are in bands. Musical differences are bad enough. I've never known a band that didn't have some squabbling and conflict. To add an alcoholic member into the mix (not all that uncommon, of course) must be unbearable, especially if it continues for any significant time.
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I can empathize with what it's like to be in a band, be in a musical group....I can see why a lot of folks end up going "solo". Put a bunch of creative people together and when it turns out right it's amazing, but if there's a problem and the band just isn't gelling well...well...it can get hairy real quick. And then, there's bands that form alliances with other bands and you hear about the other band's dramas....it's interesting about group dynamics and all. There was this one group that didn't have substance abuse issues, but the lead guitar picker didn't like to practice as much as the rest of them did...he kept gig obligations and everything, but he didn't like to practice...he just liked to improvise and be natural....he felt too much practicing was dampening his creativity. Anyways....I traveled a little when we were actively performing and found out the traveling bit wasn't for me...I just didn't do well being away from home like that....I couldn't sleep very well and when I don't sleep I make poor decisions. ... which lead to poor habits. I could go on and on about the dramas that can come up when playing in different bands and feelers that can get hurt over it all. Throw substance abuse in the mix and it's like putting diesel on a fire.
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