eve123

Just totally fed up fighting this illness. I try work programme but then I do stupid things fall out with people become depressed relapse etc. Just want to be normal done stupid thing again and caused problems for myself more shame more feeling less than alone and fed up. Got sponser try open up have good months weeks then self destruct with any behaviour. Hate alcoholism I mean the illness not the alcohol I’m an alcoholic even without drink it’s **** hate my life everybody thinks I’m just a mess feel so low

D122y

Eve,

ime...booze is a very highly addictive neuro toxin. Keeping that as a label helps me quell the cravings. Once addicted always addicted.

I embrace my sobriety and fight the cravings. I crave a bit daily. Some folks go to meetimgs. I do other things.

This weekend I fixed the shower and built a shoe rack.

Ime...staying sober is about suffering. It has gotten easier.

Stay clean.

Thanks.

Dee74

Hi eve

It can be a real test of faith to quit drinking and then have to deal with life on lifes terms for a bit before things get better...

I had a lot of messes to clean up when I got sober, and staying sober was the only way I could do it.

I had to learn to find support and then use that support, and to to make changes in my life to reflect my desire to get sober.

What step are you on with your sponsor?

D

Redmayne

None of this is easy I know, especially when you think, as I do that alcoholism is a two fold illness/disease consisting of physical allergy and a mental obsession. Which is the only illness that will kill you whilst at the same time telling you, you don't have it.

The only respite is abstinence.

To do this you have to change your perception of both yourself and alcohol, which in truth is but a symptom of the disease/illness.

One of the ways of doing this, in , not beating alcoholism, that no one will ever do, but alcohol and changing your perception of the suffering you, like many others, are going through Is to treat the adversity you face in that suffering as a blessing, out off which you will emerge a much stronger, sober person able to help others and yourself in a way that no one else can....

FBL

Eve, if this recovery stuff was easy, everybody would be doing it. I struggled for YEARS before I finally figured it out. Keep trying, someday it will start to click for you.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear that you are feeling down Eve. I try to remember that there is no such thing as "normal" really. I'm simply a person that has issues with alcohol - and i have the power to change my life accordingly to fix it.

zjw

if you remove the alcohol tho you cripple the beast. it tends to get weeker and weeker in time without its fuel.

But it is true it is always there it seems and if we are not on our guard it can creep back in and cunningly trick us into drinking and refueling this monster all over again.

thats the game thats how it plays. Just gotta stay on top of it.

eve123

Thank you all for your support. My heads not in a good place at moment I need to start using this forum regularly as I can’t attend many meetings at moment so isolate. The self hate regret the absolute baffling nature of this illness is insane. I’m gona give it time now I know these feelings will pass iv got to accept who iv been and how this illness wants me odd the planet. Thing is iv had issues with alcohol for over 25 years from student days how could I have not realised how bad it was for me to consume alcohol sooooo many problems bad decisions pain and regret just hate it all and scared I’m gona relapse big time n lose everything cos that’s how it goes things get good then I press the f button again can’t do it no more it’s scary as hell

PeaceInSilence

Hi Eve,

I spent so long hating myself trying to get sober, I was in a vicious cycle of self hatred-relapse-hating others-relapse-self pity-relapse...I literally could not go on - I wanted to die.

The feelings I felt about myself each time I drank were becoming so unbearable....why? Because I knew deep in my heart what I was - (that's an alcoholic by the way but I couldn't accept it, and in all honesty I didn't want to stop drinking but I also knew I could not drink in safety. From attending AA meetings I knew that there was a solution but I kept picking up that first drink.

After my last drink and doing something I swore I would never do I knew this was the end, towel well and truly thrown. Got a sponsor, get to meetings, help anyone and I have not looked back - I used to think why me? But now I'm glad I at least know what is wrong with me and I can change.

Change or accept? What a gift to have a choice today.

FBL

Eve, most of us here can relate to the self-loathing for sure. I know that I hated myself for a very long time. Long-term alcohol abuse messes with our brain chemistry. The longer you remain sober, the brain will heal itself and you won't believe the difference! The thing is, you have to give it time. Stay close to SR. We're here for you!

Berrybean

Hugs. It can seem an uphill battle at times that's for sure. But that doesn't mean it'll stay that way. We can learn from all this stuff as well go, and that's how we keep progressing. Like they say.... progress not perfection.

Stick with it.

BB

SoberCAH

We're very glad you're here with us, eve.

What you describe is certainly reminiscent of my early sobriety.

But I kept on working the AA program and I started to learn how to live without getting drunk every night and without creating so many self-defeating mistakes.

Please stay with us.

Dee74

hows it going Eve?

D

waynetheking

Eve are you there? We're here for you..