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He's leaving rehab next week...Advice on what to say/not say?



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He's leaving rehab next week...Advice on what to say/not say?

Old 04-16-2018, 11:35 AM
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He's leaving rehab next week...Advice on what to say/not say?

I am looking for advice from those who have been in rehab/recovery:

What were helpful things that your friends/family would say to you?
What made you cringe? Made you feel that they didn't understand?

I am new to all of this. A wife trying to learn how to be supportive, but not intrusive. This is his journey, his recovery. He knows I am trying to understand, I am educating myself on this disease, and finding my own healing.

I just don't want to approach these opportunities without some advice from people on the other end. I know if people approach me 'as if they knew what I went through' I can often dismiss their genuine caring and concern. He's no delicate flower - he knows I love him and it all comes from a good place, but I want to evolve into someone who does 'get it' - and I know that asking the right questions is the biggest part of getting to the real issue.

When/If he does open up to me, I am all ears, if he doesn't, that's okay too....but I want to be prepared with the right attitude and a thoughtful approach.

I want to learn more about how to navigate these delicate topics, I want to learn more about what has worked for you, what someone said that was helpful/loving/kind. Thank you all for being so kind and supportive to me so far.
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Old 04-16-2018, 02:52 PM
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I have not been in rehab msyelf, but I would say that it's best to probably best to just listen for a while. You are already being tremendously supportive by allowing him to come back home - not everyone gets that chance remember.
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Old 04-16-2018, 07:57 PM
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This will be your journey together.

The mistake most make is assuming. Don't assume. Ask.

Love and "What can I do?" go a long, long way.
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Old 04-17-2018, 07:03 AM
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Originally Posted by trachemys View Post
This will be your journey together.

The mistake most make is assuming. Don't assume. Ask.

Love and "What can I do?" go a long, long way.
Thank you for that.
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Old 04-17-2018, 07:13 AM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
I have not been in rehab msyelf, but I would say that it's best to probably best to just listen for a while. You are already being tremendously supportive by allowing him to come back home - not everyone gets that chance remember.
Thank you for your advice. Taken!
I can't speak to the experience of others, I see how destructive and corrosive alcoholism can be, but after years of sobriety, he had been exceptionally dependable, responsible, trustworthy, caring, a model employee, and citizen of this world. We all have our moments, we all stumble. He deserves nothing less than compassion and opportunity. He hurt himself in this relapse - more than anyone. I get that. I need evidence he is committed to taking advantage of that opportunity - but if it isn't given - it can't be utilized.
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Old 04-17-2018, 08:03 AM
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Originally Posted by KatieNoPockets View Post
Thank you for your advice. Taken!
I can't speak to the experience of others, I see how destructive and corrosive alcoholism can be, but after years of sobriety, he had been exceptionally dependable, responsible, trustworthy, caring, a model employee, and citizen of this world. We all have our moments, we all stumble. He deserves nothing less than compassion and opportunity. He hurt himself in this relapse - more than anyone. I get that. I need evidence he is committed to taking advantage of that opportunity - but if it isn't given - it can't be utilized.
What kind of evidence would you require?

I know that it has turned your world upside down, but there are no guarantees in life and addiction.

I think One Day At A Time works - it may be the only thing that works. Being present in this moment and not giving into fear is key.

He can't give you any guarantees and really all you can do or need to do is be your own best self, create boundaries and create a life outside the relationship so you aren't putting all your eggs in his basket right now. When I was newly sober I couldn't take on any other person's fears or issues. He can't do anything more than be sober and regain your trust and that just takes time.

Let it unfold. It will anyway.
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Old 04-17-2018, 08:45 AM
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I would start regularly attending Alanon if you aren't already. The road to sobriety is their journey and theirs alone, there is nothing you can do to make sure they stay on the right path.
Rehab is usually the first stop, from there they should be going to an IOP for about 6 months, then a transition into daily AA. If this is just a rehab stint then dump back home without a solid plan in place, this can be a bad situation to return to old ways.
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Old 04-17-2018, 08:57 AM
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You didn't say how long he was in rehab (or I missed it).

The biggest thing that helped in my journey, and also helped our marriage, is simply set aside time every day to be alone together. If there are children in the home, this could be difficult. Time alone to talk, for intimacy or simply to be in each others presence. This was a big help in not only my sobriety but our relationship, and we both came to look forward to that time spend together.

I'll throw this out there as a caution: His hormones/body chemistry will be out of wack for some time. He may crave sex like a dog in heat, he may feel nothing or just feel "flat." Give it time to even it out. This almost became an issue between my wife and I!
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Old 04-17-2018, 09:08 PM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
What kind of evidence would you require?

I know that it has turned your world upside down, but there are no guarantees in life and addiction.

I think One Day At A Time works - it may be the only thing that works. Being present in this moment and not giving into fear is key.

He can't give you any guarantees and really all you can do or need to do is be your own best self, create boundaries and create a life outside the relationship so you aren't putting all your eggs in his basket right now. When I was newly sober I couldn't take on any other person's fears or issues. He can't do anything more than be sober and regain your trust and that just takes time.

Let it unfold. It will anyway.
Evidence is simple. It is part of my boundary. If he wants to be in this home, sleeping under the same roof as my son and I - he needs to work his plan - he needs to make the effort to put himself first - his sobriety first. He puts others before him to a fault - sacrifices his time and needs, wears thin, takes on too much for other people - then is overwhelmed and triggered.

He doesn't have to be perfect, I am far from perfect.... but, he needs to follow HIS choice of discharge plan - attend outpatient - 90meetings/90days, don't cancel on his therapist, take the vivitrol shot as he wants to, and occasionally offer to take the kid to school so I can sleep in (last is just wishful thinking).

He needs to commit to himself and commit to sobriety. My boundary is clear that I cannot allow my son to grow up in chaos.
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Old 04-17-2018, 09:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Forward12 View Post
I would start regularly attending Alanon if you aren't already. The road to sobriety is their journey and theirs alone, there is nothing you can do to make sure they stay on the right path.
Rehab is usually the first stop, from there they should be going to an IOP for about 6 months, then a transition into daily AA. If this is just a rehab stint then dump back home without a solid plan in place, this can be a bad situation to return to old ways.
I did AlAnon and I was really frustrated - I did a few different meetings and then a family member encouraged me to find a different outlet now and take a break - that is when I came - so far it has been better for me - on my own time and everyone here is supportive and offers so many perspectives.

He has a d/c plan with IOP, Vivitrol, therapy.....I'm working on my own plan of care for me - which includes evaluating and addressing my knowledge deficits.

I don't think I am looking to say things to keep him on the path of sobriety, I know all too well that is not my job - thats his thing- but I am looking to learn the language of recovery to the extent that I am an informed and may have a few clever questions or comments that spur conversation - provide open-ended conversations. Communication with anyone can be elevated to an artform - or it can be divisive and dismissive. I am looking to develop some mad talking points, elevated skills. I am growing in these moments too, I just appreciate anecdotal insights along the way. Thanks.
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Old 04-17-2018, 09:27 PM
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Originally Posted by steve-in-kville View Post
You didn't say how long he was in rehab (or I missed it).

The biggest thing that helped in my journey, and also helped our marriage, is simply set aside time every day to be alone together. If there are children in the home, this could be difficult. Time alone to talk, for intimacy or simply to be in each others presence. This was a big help in not only my sobriety but our relationship, and we both came to look forward to that time spend together.

I'll throw this out there as a caution: His hormones/body chemistry will be out of wack for some time. He may crave sex like a dog in heat, he may feel nothing or just feel "flat." Give it time to even it out. This almost became an issue between my wife and I!
Only two stinking weeks for rehab - but discharge he will have an outpatient plan too, and Vivitrol, and therapy, and AA.....

Thank you for the advice! I will take it! We do have time alone at the end of the night when the kid is in bed - but we are so tired by then. I am going to propose taking a walk together if nothing else. While he was drinking he was a dog in heat - prior when sober not so much. I hate to admit it but that is the one thing I will miss about his drinking - I am much more of the dog in heat type myself. I can accept the downswing in sex, I will just remind myself of all the BS that comes before and after.
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Old 04-17-2018, 09:41 PM
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Yeah I think that's the only thing my husband misses about my drinking. When I quit, the things my husband did right were; letting me decide my own recovery plan, letting me make changes in my own plan as I saw fit, allowing me my enormous need for sleep, forgiving a several months long lapse in general functioning with housekeeping, allowing me to take personal time for meetings or the gym, understanding that he could hold me at night but my need for sex was about a third what it was before, knowing when I didn't want to talk, being relaxed about my modest weight gain and respecting my need for privacy regarding recovery and recovery related information. By being hands off but still being my partner he helped me stay sober for 6 months and our relationship is intact.

It was a lot. I had to focus on myself....a lot. I needed the space for that. He seemed to intuitively understand that and I think my sobriety was also his priority, so he was willing to let me do what I needed to do.
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Old 04-17-2018, 10:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Stayingsassy View Post
I had to focus on myself....a lot. I needed the space for that.
This was probably the biggest obstacle with me and my ex-wife when I first got sober. She put up with my drinking (and all that comes with that) for years. I finally get sober and I needed to spend most of my free time on my recovery? It was hard for her to wrap her head around that, but it was necessary for me to do for the first several months.
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Old 04-18-2018, 04:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Stayingsassy View Post
.... but my need for sex was about a third what it was before.
That was pretty much accurate for us. As an encouragement, at least in my case, the quantity might have gone down, but the *quality* went up.
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Old 04-18-2018, 06:02 AM
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It wasn't until after I quit that I found out how close my wife was to leaving me to my disease.
Lucky for me I quit first. I cured my disease by deciding to never drink again, I really don't think my wife cares about the disease aspect , she just prefers me to no longer be a drunk with no chance of becoming one again. And that is an expectation every spouse deserves to have, yeah?
More booze is the decision he will make, but if I were you , I'd at least explain my expectations. His 'disease' will love to hear that you may give him some leeway in any 'attempts' to cure it.
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Old 04-18-2018, 08:03 AM
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Originally Posted by KatieNoPockets View Post
He needs to commit to himself and commit to sobriety. My boundary is clear that I cannot allow my son to grow up in chaos.
That is one of my boundaries for my wife... she must maintain/follow her recovery plan which includes taking the required medication and following up with the doctors/therapists.

Best advice I could offer is what I do with my wife.. just be supportive of their efforts, understanding of what they are struggling with, and forgive the small transgressions which are more likely due to the effects of recovery.

My wife's day consists of much of what she wants to do for herself, along with what is expected of her for sobriety. She attends a couple meetings a day, goes to the gym, does some home chores and outside errands for her/me, and then takes some time for herself before making dinner for the family. She very much feels in control of her life and has the time to enjoy some of the pleasures of what she wants.
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Old 04-18-2018, 12:54 PM
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I suggest letting go of expectations. Recovery is a life-long process, change takes a great deal of work and time. He may or may not stay sober but Alanon teaches us it's out of our hands: I didn't cause it, can't control or cure it. You seem to have your priorities straight and know what your boundaries are. Good luck!
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Old 04-18-2018, 10:05 PM
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How is it going?
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Old 04-22-2018, 01:58 PM
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Late to the three, but if he is doing AA , there are two chapters in the big book that may give you some idea. To Wives, and The Family Afterward.
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