Mtphc

Really upset with myself right now. Was almost 8 months sober and I caved.

Have been going through a lot of emotional stress and it was too much.

Really angry at myself right now. It's like I have to start over again.

columbus

"It's like I have to start over again."


Well, yes.

And no.

8 months is fantastic. You proved you can do it, you knew how to do it, and now you'll know what you weak point is and so be better prepared for the next time it come around.

entropy1964

I'm sorry you relapsed. But congrats on almost 8 months. That is huge. You can do it again. You haven't lost the eight months....and starting over is a state of mind. Its just today anyway, right?

When you're feeling better think about what built up. Was it stuff that was in your control, or out of your control? Was it people, places and things? I would say for me acceptance is my number 1 coping strategy. If I can't do anything about it then what's the use in getting spun? Its hard but I can assure you life gets so much easier when I tune in to me, my feelings and behavior. And tune out the static that I can't impact. There's a difference between blocking everything out and simply not getting emotionally involved. I can be with someone, or part of a stressful situation, without owning it emotionally. If that makes any sense at all!

You can do this!

NYCDoglvr

Since what you did before didn't work I'd look at new strategies. My first year was bumpy but with the help of other recovering alcoholics I learned to weather the storms of life. I simply couldn't get -- or stay -- sober on my own and needed the fellowship of AA and the tools of the program. Eight months is a wonderful start and you haven't lost the time or experience. A big hug!

Sohard

Reframe it in your head. When did you restart? A couple of days ago? Today? Either way, you had about 240 SOBER days and 1-2 drinking days. You are NOT starting over. You are continuing. If I worked out every day for 240 days, then ate bon bons in bed for 3 days, would you say I'm now "starting over"? Don't believe in that false way of framing the situation. You're not starting over. You developed a hell of a lot of sober muscles over 8 months. You shut down a hell of a lot of conditioned neural pathways in your brain begging for alcohol. You have NOT lost all those muscles and opened up all those pathways in 1-2 days. You haven't. Get back on the wagon tomorrow and give yourself some credit for all you've accomplished. In no way was it all for nothing. Really.

fini

Mtphc,
sorry to hear this.
you used the word " caved" , and that makes me wonder if you had been mostly or entirely relying on willpower/ strength and then lost that grip....if that is the case, it might serve you better to check out the plans, methods or programs people find solutions in so that they/ we don't need to "fight" day-to-day.

Dee74

I'm sorry you drank Mtphc but reckom you an pull out some good from the bad here.

The first thing is support doesn't work if we don't use it.

I know that when the desire comes upon us it's hard to reach out to try and stop the juggernaut - but we have to if we want change.

I think you also have an advantage with sober time. You may have momentarily forgotten all you learned and achieved in 7 months - but all that information, all that accomplishment is still thee.

What you have to do is think about what you need to ass to your eist recovery action plan to be able to say no to any thought of drinking.

any ideas yet?

D

Mtphc

Yes you're right I shouldn't have this negative outlook on things.

This has not been an ongoing build up to drink. I've been ok all this time for the most part, this build up is recent due to emotional stress with my wife.

And because I'm an alcoholic I've been drunk since Saturday night due to this.

Sohard

Okay, that's only 2 nights drinking. And let's say you drink tonight (which I'm guessing is likely). That is 3 days. You will have drank 3 out of about 240 days. Still a GREAT track record. Starting tomorrow, hole yourself away and exercise and go to bed super early and hold on for dear life for the next week. I bet you it will then get "ok" again. It shouldn't take as long as it did eight months ago, I just don't believe it. And then you can continue on your amazing path you were on (not restart, but continue). And, next time you are tempted based on "emotional stress", remember that is a cognitive trick to get you drinking again. It's not true. You were duped and fell for it. You'll be smarter next time. So you've learned. Drinking didn't help your situation with your wife one bit. It only got you here, which is a worse place to be. You can do it. You've done it, and you can start doing it again. You can.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear that you are still drinking Mtphc. Like they say, there's no problem that alcohol won't make worse - so I hope you can dig deep and find the resolve to quit drinking. You have pretty much zero chance of fixing any of the other problems until you do.

Mtphc

I feel so bad about this.

My worst fear is that I'm going to continue drinking.

apollo986

240 days is great! Don't beat yourself up Mtphc. I've slipped a couple of times and felt terrible. However each of those times made me realize how much I appreciate being sober.

tomsteve

Mt, this along with this:
And because I'm an alcoholic I've been drunk since Saturday night due to this.

isnt necessarily because youre an alcoholic. i believe it has more to do with being an alcoholic with untreated alcoholism, which IS treatable.

you could use that fear to stop the insanity and start recovery today.

ScottFromWI

It is scary to think about, but you actually have 100% say over whether you keep drinking or not. It's not a predetermined destiny- you get to choose.

Dee74

drinking like we do is likely to magnify whatever relationship problems you have and increase that emotional stress, not alleviate it.

D

fini

going back to drinking after abstinence is really nothing like eating bonbons for a few days after months of exercising. bonbons and exercising can co- exist quite nicely and are not mutually exclusive, whereas abstinence and drinking just can't go together.

in a way, you are in a good spot and have learned that whatever way you were going about it, it didn't stand up to increased stress. this gives you the opportunity to re- evaluate your approach and see what needs changing so that your future abstinence or sobriety is not at the mercy of stresses or circumstances.
not a bad spot to go forward from.

Mtphc

Thanks u guys for the comments.

One thing for sure is that there's no doubt that I'm an alcoholic. Since my relapse I've been drunk the whole entire time.

The good news is that I've learned from this. I realized that I can't ever go back to normal drinking, and as a gemini it's hard for me to say that.

Thanks to everyone for your perspective on things. Love u guys

ScottFromWI

So have you stopped drinking yet? My guess is you didn't need to drink this time to know that you were an alcoholic, no?

Mtphc

Have I stopped? No

God this is suppose to be my last of this BS.

I have to go back to work tomorrow.

The scary part is that I didn't have any health scare this time.

FreedomCA

Getting 8 months was great, but there is always that consequence of the difficulty of having to start again. We all realize that it just was not worth that first drink. Even though many on here applaud the time we had in the past, a relapse should not be taken lightly since some people never make it back.