Paying the piper
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Paying the piper
Bad performance review. I'm pretty crushed.
Yet, it reminds me of the cockiness of alcoholism, I can handle it, I am functional, I'm getting away with it drinking thinking that preceded my quit.
I wasn't handling it.
I feel like I'm waking up to some bad dreams, and they were all created by me.
I don't know if AA would help, or counseling, or antidepressants, or *insert your self help item here* is needed. I just know that all this ****, the food addiction, the state of my relationships, my lack of social support, my crumbling reputation at work, is many years of abusive drinking's outcome.
I'm not sure if I really expected to get away with everything, I would guess that the alcohol fuelled view of myself was much different than how I was actually perceived by others.
I don't have an answer for how I will feel in the months ahead as I attempt to get my house in order, as if after so many years of drinking over everything and drinking at everything, I actually even really know how to do that.
Karma catches up. Every one I tossed back had a price and I tossed back a lot so there is quite a lot to pay back and it's going to take even more time to figure out what else got lost in the shuffle.
Yet, it reminds me of the cockiness of alcoholism, I can handle it, I am functional, I'm getting away with it drinking thinking that preceded my quit.
I wasn't handling it.
I feel like I'm waking up to some bad dreams, and they were all created by me.
I don't know if AA would help, or counseling, or antidepressants, or *insert your self help item here* is needed. I just know that all this ****, the food addiction, the state of my relationships, my lack of social support, my crumbling reputation at work, is many years of abusive drinking's outcome.
I'm not sure if I really expected to get away with everything, I would guess that the alcohol fuelled view of myself was much different than how I was actually perceived by others.
I don't have an answer for how I will feel in the months ahead as I attempt to get my house in order, as if after so many years of drinking over everything and drinking at everything, I actually even really know how to do that.
Karma catches up. Every one I tossed back had a price and I tossed back a lot so there is quite a lot to pay back and it's going to take even more time to figure out what else got lost in the shuffle.
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I think that denial is a huge part of addiction. When I look back at my thought processes in those days, it stuns me how the alcoholic mind works to make everything 'look okay, seem okay' when of course, it isn't.
I hope you get through what is facing you now. Above all, be kind to yourself and take things slowly but steadily.
I hope you get through what is facing you now. Above all, be kind to yourself and take things slowly but steadily.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 1,100
Sassy,
I don't want to toss out trite self-help recommendations or formulae (as I tend to do); just know that I've experienced every single one of these in the last six months and I understand. Situations didn't magically resolve after my sobriety date and they haven't for the most part since. I can say that giving up the bottle hasn't guaranteed me a life in the stratosphere; only a means to face the $**t head on and draw strength from it unabated. I can't say I've been the most compliant AA out there but the concept of serenity really encompasses this IMO. Trying to stay in control of everything was one of my downfalls before sobriety and I'm still trying to reign in that tendency as I grow in my sober self.
I hope and pray that you'll continue to become infused with serenity as you walk this out. You've taken the world on your shoulders and you need to be able to breathe.
Just know that you have folks here that care and this won't persist. I *know* how strong you are (literally and figuratively).
Peace
T.
I don't want to toss out trite self-help recommendations or formulae (as I tend to do); just know that I've experienced every single one of these in the last six months and I understand. Situations didn't magically resolve after my sobriety date and they haven't for the most part since. I can say that giving up the bottle hasn't guaranteed me a life in the stratosphere; only a means to face the $**t head on and draw strength from it unabated. I can't say I've been the most compliant AA out there but the concept of serenity really encompasses this IMO. Trying to stay in control of everything was one of my downfalls before sobriety and I'm still trying to reign in that tendency as I grow in my sober self.
I hope and pray that you'll continue to become infused with serenity as you walk this out. You've taken the world on your shoulders and you need to be able to breathe.
Just know that you have folks here that care and this won't persist. I *know* how strong you are (literally and figuratively).
Peace
T.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Thanks Anna and todd.
Man, it helps to have some sober people in my corner.
This is a long process. You're right, I need to take it slow and breathe.
The message from my work is that I'm still valued but I must pull it together, and how I've been doing it even for years is not how it should be done. so I look at this objectively and I'm floored at some of the simple and practical things I should have been doing all along to ensure that things were done correctly. I can see it with glaring clarity now. Before, it was always someone else's fault, or I just told myself it wasn't important, or blew it off....who was this person I was? I seem to be waking up to that as well and it's not a free and easy feeling.
I guess I know better now.
Man, it helps to have some sober people in my corner.
This is a long process. You're right, I need to take it slow and breathe.
The message from my work is that I'm still valued but I must pull it together, and how I've been doing it even for years is not how it should be done. so I look at this objectively and I'm floored at some of the simple and practical things I should have been doing all along to ensure that things were done correctly. I can see it with glaring clarity now. Before, it was always someone else's fault, or I just told myself it wasn't important, or blew it off....who was this person I was? I seem to be waking up to that as well and it's not a free and easy feeling.
I guess I know better now.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Stayingsassy,
the fact that you can see it and admit it instead of blaming others is huge.
and speaks to the direction you're travelling in.
as far as the question as to what would help you with this, you certainly have options. for me, eventually doing the 12-stp stuff was just the thing to help me clean up what i could and learn how to avoid making new big mistakes that would weigh me down again. took me a long time to understand the value of hose steps.
you are in a good spot , though it doesn't feel that way.
the fact that you can see it and admit it instead of blaming others is huge.
and speaks to the direction you're travelling in.
as far as the question as to what would help you with this, you certainly have options. for me, eventually doing the 12-stp stuff was just the thing to help me clean up what i could and learn how to avoid making new big mistakes that would weigh me down again. took me a long time to understand the value of hose steps.
you are in a good spot , though it doesn't feel that way.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
It's going to be ok SS. It takes time. I was still cleaning up the mess I caused from drinking 3 years into sobriety. If I dig deep enough there's probably still unfinished business in my personal life to straighten out. So don't fret about it. It will happen over time. It's part of acceptance. It's hard to swallow. But you have too. Long term sobriety comes with adversity. It always does. But that's a good sign. It means your sober. Your surviving this disease. That's the goal. Everything else is minor. Sobriety first, the rest follows.
Hang in there. It's going to be alright.
Hang in there. It's going to be alright.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Originally Posted by waynetheking 
It's going to be ok SS. It takes time. I was still cleaning up the mess I caused from drinking 3 years into sobriety. If I dig deep enough there's probably still unfinished business in my personal life to straighten out. So don't fret about it. It will happen over time. It's part of acceptance. It's hard to swallow. But you have too. Long term sobriety comes with adversity. It always does. But that's a good sign. It means your sober. Your surviving this disease. That's the goal. Everything else is minor. Sobriety first, the rest follows.
Hang in there. It's going to be alright.
Hang in there. It's going to be alright.
I'm already in it now. I guess I'm just now seeing how long the path is in front of me. In the beginning just stay sober is enough. Thankfully we are so cloudy headed we don't see the real work until we are ready to see it.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by TheToddman
Sassy,
I don't want to toss out trite self-help recommendations or formulae (as I tend to do); just know that I've experienced every single one of these in the last six months and I understand. Situations didn't magically resolve after my sobriety date and they haven't for the most part since. I can say that giving up the bottle hasn't guaranteed me a life in the stratosphere; only a means to face the $**t head on and draw strength from it unabated. I can't say I've been the most compliant AA out there but the concept of serenity really encompasses this IMO. Trying to stay in control of everything was one of my downfalls before sobriety and I'm still trying to reign in that tendency as I grow in my sober self.
I hope and pray that you'll continue to become infused with serenity as you walk this out. You've taken the world on your shoulders and you need to be able to breathe.
Just know that you have folks here that care and this won't persist. I *know* how strong you are (literally and figuratively).
Peace
T.
I don't want to toss out trite self-help recommendations or formulae (as I tend to do); just know that I've experienced every single one of these in the last six months and I understand. Situations didn't magically resolve after my sobriety date and they haven't for the most part since. I can say that giving up the bottle hasn't guaranteed me a life in the stratosphere; only a means to face the $**t head on and draw strength from it unabated. I can't say I've been the most compliant AA out there but the concept of serenity really encompasses this IMO. Trying to stay in control of everything was one of my downfalls before sobriety and I'm still trying to reign in that tendency as I grow in my sober self.
I hope and pray that you'll continue to become infused with serenity as you walk this out. You've taken the world on your shoulders and you need to be able to breathe.
Just know that you have folks here that care and this won't persist. I *know* how strong you are (literally and figuratively).
Peace
T.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Gah! Performance reviews. In the old days of drinking and in very early sobriety, my response to those was to call in sick for the first few times they tried to do them, and then in the worst couple of years I even handed in my notice in a bid to make them less important. Both times mg boss asked if this was to do with the review and of course I said NOOOOOOOO!!!! Lol.
I must admit, I still don't relish those annual performance reviews but I don't let them stress me like I used to. I can be prepared and know where my strengths and weaknesses are. I can't always do things as well as some other people where I work, but that's mostly because I have different priorities and I am not going to work over 50 hours a week and more. They might not like that sometimes, but they havent got to. But I'm not so fearful any more, because I am generally okay in my conscience and can accept that sometimes in life our best might not be good enough for some people.
Anyway. Your performance will get better over time if you stay sober and work on your recovery. My recovery mode of choice has been AA as I'd seen the difference it made to other people.
In the meantime please find a link to a story that helps me when the world feels a little to judgey for comfort. I know that I will never be perfect. Far from it. But I also know (now) that this doesn't make me unlovable or less of a person. ....
https://www.slideshare.net/lynnard18...ecial-15275361
You are special Sass. And you are loved. Don't give those dots (or the stars) too much importance. Free yourself up so you can work on your recovery and be capable of doing your work more capably, and doing the next right thing, but just because you're honouring your commitments, not out of fear of what others might say or do.
BB
I must admit, I still don't relish those annual performance reviews but I don't let them stress me like I used to. I can be prepared and know where my strengths and weaknesses are. I can't always do things as well as some other people where I work, but that's mostly because I have different priorities and I am not going to work over 50 hours a week and more. They might not like that sometimes, but they havent got to. But I'm not so fearful any more, because I am generally okay in my conscience and can accept that sometimes in life our best might not be good enough for some people.
Anyway. Your performance will get better over time if you stay sober and work on your recovery. My recovery mode of choice has been AA as I'd seen the difference it made to other people.
In the meantime please find a link to a story that helps me when the world feels a little to judgey for comfort. I know that I will never be perfect. Far from it. But I also know (now) that this doesn't make me unlovable or less of a person. ....
https://www.slideshare.net/lynnard18...ecial-15275361
You are special Sass. And you are loved. Don't give those dots (or the stars) too much importance. Free yourself up so you can work on your recovery and be capable of doing your work more capably, and doing the next right thing, but just because you're honouring your commitments, not out of fear of what others might say or do.
BB
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
...Karma catches up. Every one I tossed back had a price and I tossed back a lot so there is quite a lot to pay back and it's going to take even more time to figure out what else got lost in the shuffle.
Complaints about me smelling of booze had reached the top and I got sacked.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
I have a nasty habit of taking performance reviews personally, giving my evaluator a broader power by reflecting on any criticism as a statement of my character, etc. But that’s not what it is, and I have to remind myself of that.
Any review is designed to identify your strengths and to show areas you can improve on. Though it is difficult, they are best taken at face value. You may make the connection with your personal struggles, but they are seeking to improve the bottom line. Nothing more.
We’ve all worked with those who do only the minimum each day and cruise on to retirement without a second thought. That obviously isn’t you. Just think, a year from now when you’ve continued on your current path and improved in the areas you’ve identified, how proud you will be. IMO, it is the messes we overcome and the outcomes we change through sobriety that create and expand the foundation of our new life.
-bora
Any review is designed to identify your strengths and to show areas you can improve on. Though it is difficult, they are best taken at face value. You may make the connection with your personal struggles, but they are seeking to improve the bottom line. Nothing more.
We’ve all worked with those who do only the minimum each day and cruise on to retirement without a second thought. That obviously isn’t you. Just think, a year from now when you’ve continued on your current path and improved in the areas you’ve identified, how proud you will be. IMO, it is the messes we overcome and the outcomes we change through sobriety that create and expand the foundation of our new life.
-bora
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
I totally get this Sassy
I was "getting by" even when sober for quite a time because it had become a habit. I wasn't (and still am not) delivering the quality of work I am capable of.
Being honest with myself about that has been my first step, and now I'm working on change.
Finding / creating intrinsic motivation is actually the new model many companies are moving towards.
This can be a positive for us as individuals, because the more creative
and unique our own revision / division of our employee role is, the more meaningful it can become for us.
Performance improves naturally, and feels good in the doing.
That's the theory, anyway. . .
Maybe reframe your negative review into an opportunity to build your strong work aspects, and cull what isn't working.
Try to take agency in your own reformation as much as possible, and it becomes positive step in your growth as a human being,
and not just a negative mark on your employee record.
We believe in you
I was "getting by" even when sober for quite a time because it had become a habit. I wasn't (and still am not) delivering the quality of work I am capable of.
Being honest with myself about that has been my first step, and now I'm working on change.
Finding / creating intrinsic motivation is actually the new model many companies are moving towards.
This can be a positive for us as individuals, because the more creative
and unique our own revision / division of our employee role is, the more meaningful it can become for us.
Performance improves naturally, and feels good in the doing.
That's the theory, anyway. . .
Maybe reframe your negative review into an opportunity to build your strong work aspects, and cull what isn't working.
Try to take agency in your own reformation as much as possible, and it becomes positive step in your growth as a human being,
and not just a negative mark on your employee record.
We believe in you
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Sass - I think so many of us can relate this post. Thank you for posting. Impressive and healthy responses in your post, good work.
Going through same thing at my job - high stakes, high pressure, lots of ways to get exposed, big money on the line and like Hawk said, "just getting by". No way to live, at least not live well.
Thank you for sharing today. We are here with you, fighting and/or trying to fight the good fight.
Going through same thing at my job - high stakes, high pressure, lots of ways to get exposed, big money on the line and like Hawk said, "just getting by". No way to live, at least not live well.
Thank you for sharing today. We are here with you, fighting and/or trying to fight the good fight.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 31
Hey glad you posted. I was where you were 8 months ago. It's a hard place to be but it seems like you have some awareness. I know it doesn't feel good right now, but maybe the situation you are in right now is a catalyst for you to get some help and start making changes. Performance reviews can be both a humbling and humiliating experience. But don't beat yourself up. You came here. If you put your hand up and out, help will appear. I wish you all the best.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Gah! Performance reviews. In the old days of drinking and in very early sobriety, my response to those was to call in sick for the first few times they tried to do them, and then in the worst couple of years I even handed in my notice in a bid to make them less important. Both times mg boss asked if this was to do with the review and of course I said NOOOOOOOO!!!! Lol.
I must admit, I still don't relish those annual performance reviews but I don't let them stress me like I used to. I can be prepared and know where my strengths and weaknesses are. I can't always do things as well as some other people where I work, but that's mostly because I have different priorities and I am not going to work over 50 hours a week and more. They might not like that sometimes, but they havent got to. But I'm not so fearful any more, because I am generally okay in my conscience and can accept that sometimes in life our best might not be good enough for some people.
Anyway. Your performance will get better over time if you stay sober and work on your recovery. My recovery mode of choice has been AA as I'd seen the difference it made to other people.
In the meantime please find a link to a story that helps me when the world feels a little to judgey for comfort. I know that I will never be perfect. Far from it. But I also know (now) that this doesn't make me unlovable or less of a person. ....
https://www.slideshare.net/lynnard18...ecial-15275361
You are special Sass. And you are loved. Don't give those dots (or the stars) too much importance. Free yourself up so you can work on your recovery and be capable of doing your work more capably, and doing the next right thing, but just because you're honouring your commitments, not out of fear of what others might say or do.
BB
I must admit, I still don't relish those annual performance reviews but I don't let them stress me like I used to. I can be prepared and know where my strengths and weaknesses are. I can't always do things as well as some other people where I work, but that's mostly because I have different priorities and I am not going to work over 50 hours a week and more. They might not like that sometimes, but they havent got to. But I'm not so fearful any more, because I am generally okay in my conscience and can accept that sometimes in life our best might not be good enough for some people.
Anyway. Your performance will get better over time if you stay sober and work on your recovery. My recovery mode of choice has been AA as I'd seen the difference it made to other people.
In the meantime please find a link to a story that helps me when the world feels a little to judgey for comfort. I know that I will never be perfect. Far from it. But I also know (now) that this doesn't make me unlovable or less of a person. ....
https://www.slideshare.net/lynnard18...ecial-15275361
You are special Sass. And you are loved. Don't give those dots (or the stars) too much importance. Free yourself up so you can work on your recovery and be capable of doing your work more capably, and doing the next right thing, but just because you're honouring your commitments, not out of fear of what others might say or do.
BB
also this is an example of what I was saying when I said "I don't have it figured out.". I am clearly not settled with myself yet.
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