Garfield71

My friends from college booked a trip to visit me from out of state. The trip has been planned for a month now. Last time they were here, they drank from 10am until 4am every single day. It was the same when I visited them in their city. They are very excited to come here and drink. I am currently 2 days sober, and have an appointment for intake at outpatient rehab on Thursday. I’m supposed to start on Friday (assuming I can stay sober until then and won’t need detox). My husband thinks that I should put off rehab until after they leave, because I will be screwing them by not letting them stay with us. I don’t think they can afford a hotel and rental car. They have another friend in my city, but she lives in a studio apartment. This is a 20 year friendship, and I have a hard time making friends. She already dumped another friend for attempting an intervention. Them not drinking will not be an option.

suki44883

How important is sobriety to you? That is the question you should be asking yourself, along with whether these are true friends or drinking buddies.

trachemys

"My husband thinks that I should put off rehab until after they leave, because I will be screwing them by not letting them stay with us."

Well, let's just accelerate suicide. For our friends!

Ladysadie

Sounds like "drinking buddies" to me, so called friends who want to use your place to crash.

Sunflowerlife

This is a bad idea all around. Are these real friends? If you told them you didn’t drink anymore would they still come and visit you?

FreedomCA

My fear would be that if I set aside rehab until they left, I most likely would drink with them and some bad consequence would result.

tomsteve

Them not drinking will not be an option.

which they can easily take care of that without you around.
Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing.

I will discipline myself. I will do this disciplining now. I will turn out all useless thoughts. I know that the goodness of my life is a necessary foundation for its usefulness. I will welcome this training

Dee74

I had to put myself first.
You know not going to rehab and being round these guys is a bad idea.

I hope you make a healthy decision based on your own needs.
D

Maudcat

Hi, Garfield.
Congratulations on your sober time and your resolve to go to outpatient.
I don’t have any answers, but, for me, having serious drinking people stay with me in my home while I was in early sobriety would be a disaster.
I would have definitely drunk with them.

biminiblue

I would call them right now, tell them you have quit drinking and that you're going to rehab and that you cannot have them drinking or drunk in your home. As a matter of fact, you don't even need to mention rehab.

They are adults, right? The truth is the only way. If they make other plans for sleeping arrangements, great. If they can't afford to, oh well.

Ladysadie

Trachemys is right too. Your husband isn't doing you any favors - doesn't sound very supportive. But then my friend, it's all about you and what you think and want to do. even with a husband. Go forward or regress. It's yours to own, your call. You have more say here than you know (your house, your time, your recovery plan, your friends that I would qualify as your "drinking buddies").

If you are looking for an excuse to host = you got it
If you are looking for support not to host = you got it
= your decision

least

I would call them and tell them you're not drinking anymore and your home is an alcohol-free zone now. If they're true friends, they'll abide by that. If not... then you know where you stand with them.

Garfield71

We were close friends, without alcohol, years ago. We have all pretty much slipped into full blown alcoholism over the last 10 years or so. We talk about everything, and are close, but we are usually very drunk. I know that I should go to rehab, and save myself. I have kids too...they need me. I just hate to be the type of friend to blow someone off and ruin their vacation (it’s also friends husbands birthday). I know that, given the option, they won’t want to stay here if they can’t drink (or they will sneak booze...she snuck booze into her sober sister’s house when the sister had cancer). I feel like a crappy person no matter what I do.

SparkleKitty

I doubt you have the power to “ruin” another adult’s vacation. You do, however—in fact you are the only one with it—have the power to give your kids the mom they deserve: sober, healthy, and present.

Dee74

I worried about the parties and vacations I'd miss, or the friendships I'd break.
I stayed drinking a lot longer than I might otherwise simply because I was a people pleaser.

Looking back now after 10 years I don't regret my choice and I don't feel I missed out on anything.

Noone holds a grudge against me.
Noone even remembers if I was there in 2007 or not.

I can go to as many parties as I want now, or vacations, and those people who were my true friends understood why I was stopping and supported me even tho they were alcoholics themselves.

If you opt not to go to rehab and party hard with your friends instead you may never get back to the point you're at now where you want to quit.

D

daredevil

What type of friend would you want for yourself?

suki44883

This says to me that she cares more about drinking than pretty much anything. If she would drop you as a friend because you are trying to save yourself and be the mother your kids deserve, then she is no friend.

Another question (you don't have to answer here, but only to yourself); Are you thinking that you might like to have one final drunken hurrah before you go to rehab for help to live a sober life?

MindfulMan

Touche.

I get that you don't want to end a 20+ year friendship, at least not now.

But damn, you gotta put yourself first here.

If they're such great old friends, then be perfectly blunt and honest. I'm an alcoholic and I'm going into rehab. If I'm around you I will drink, and I can't have that. I don't think you want me to fail.

I'm very sorry. I know this is a bit last minute and puts a damper on your plans, but please help me help myself. I really need to stop.

I have a group of friends I've known for almost 15 years. We were dubbed "the Liquor Locusts" because we'd descend on someone's house, drain the liquor cabinet, and then move on to the next party. It's even in the Urban Dictionary...that's us.

We have all gradually changed. Everyone still drinks, but in far greater moderation than before, and myself obviously not at all. Two of the women are on Weight Watchers and, well, wine has points, so they'll have one drink at dinner or maybe two glasses of wine over the course of the night if we're at a party. Two of the guys are still drinking rather heavily, one also does coke. I'm very sad for them. It's a big group, probably 20 people spread mostly over Southern California with a few more in other places.

The LA group came and visited me in rehab, one of them every Sunday. They are totally understanding if I can't go to a function. My friends birthday party was Saturday, every year he has a Tiki party with rum blender drinks. I said I couldn't come to that. They decided to get delivery and drink a few bottles of wine instead (wine doesn't trigger me like hard alcohol, and they know that). All so I could come share the birthday.

THESE are friends before they are drinking buddies.

WIwoman

Garfield71, I know exactly how you feel and I too have put other's "drinking needs" before my need to get sober, so I don't judge you one bit for the mental anguish, but I also think you are getting some really good advice here. Maybe consider how you would feel about the whole thing 6 months from now

Stayingsassy

I'll be honest. If I hadn't quit yet and wasn't facing a bad situation I would have delayed it. It's how alcoholics still in the grip of the addiction think.

I had a huge embarrassing blowout right before my quit so I didn't care what was coming up, I had my final straw.

Are you done? If you are truly done then friends coming to visit should be so low on your list of priorities that it is laughable. What's in store for you during this visit? Drunken diatribes masquerading as bonding? Half remembered evenings, only remembering snippets of conversations? Pitiful scenes of falling and tears and morbid shared oblivion? massive hangovers?

Tell your friends you have quit and will soon be in rehab. I have done this to communicate with people, I use words like sobriety and recovery and meetings and rehab. Why? So friends and family know it's not a passing phase or a casual detox.

You can delay if you want as it's your choice but you're only delaying the inevitable for yourself and also basically indulging and supporting the dysfunction of your friends who are as sick as you are right now.

You have made a very important decision for yourself. It's more important than your alcoholic friends. Just take a deep breath and let them know what's up with you.