Justme8

Don’t drink everyday and don’t crave it. But when I do drink I get stupid drunk. I beinge drink and hate myself for it. My kids are older but they were home when I got home and we got in a huge fight. I get it they can’t stand seeing me like that. My dad was an alcoholic and it killed me to see him like that everyday. How could I do that to my kids. I feel like a horrible mother. I drink to let lose. I am so uptight all the time and drinking makes me feel alive. I can drink just two and be done but when I feel comfortable at an outing I can go crazy and it’s so dangerous. I know I can stop but can’t understand why I can’t let lose without alcohol. Today is the first day of saying I am done and really meaning it. I didn’t mean to hurt my sons the way my dad did to me. What if I can’t stop, I am not going to even try to be a social drinker. Why do I have to be so weak that I have to not drink at all and not be like normal people. I am broken.

SteelRes211

Hi, don't beat yourself up so bad about your behavior, say your sorry to your kids and that you are working on the issue.

Justme8

Thank you

fini

there is nothing weak about what you are decidingo do. nothing weak about seeing the writing on the wall and making the smart and healthy and self-preserving decision. nothing weak about having a different reaction to alcohol than Joe, Jane and JoeJane down the street.

it' s got nothing to do with weakness or strength, though some backbone will help you

it' such a positive that you see how it is with you and are changing it.
welcome to you.

ScottFromWI

Welcome Justem8 - glad you decided to join us and congratulations on your decision to quit. There is nothing "weak" about admitting that alcohol is a problem, and choosing to quit is a powerful statement that shows you are exactly the opposite! Hope you can stick around, you'll find lots of support and information on many ways people here have gone about getting and staying sober.

Fly N Buy

We aren't bad people trying to be good, but sick people getting well. Alcoholism is an illness that can be treated successfully. This typically happens when we accept that we cannot drink at all. It is the first drink that gets us, not the 10th one. Simple, but not always easy.

But recovery is ongoing for us as acceptance is but a beginning. I accepted my alcoholism, but it took definitive action to back that up. Nothing special, just sick and tired of being sick and tired. Getting to that point for me was a gift of grace - as you described, broken to pieceshood.

Join the multitudes of people who never envisioned a new sober life. Welcome

Bird615

Welcome to SR, justme8; except for the kids part, you sound just like me.

Drinking was magic for me at first--it loosened me up and relaxed me and made me more sociable, but it eventually backfired on me and made my life a living hell.

When it started to cause me problems, I couldn't imagine life without alcohol so I tried everything I could think of to be able to keep on drinking, but I almost always overdid it when I did drink. Then it started getting to the point where I was losing control over when I did drink.

Life got so painful because of my drinking that I had to finally give up and realize I couldn't fight it anymore, and that's when I reached out for help. For me, that was rehab and AA and those things helped me to get long-term contented sobriety--a life where I didn't need to drink to feel better.

It takes a lot of strength to admit when we can't do it all by ourselves and then to do the things needed to learn a different way.

Stick around here and you'll find a lot of support and ideas on how you can stop too.

MindfulMan

Binge drinking has nearly as many consequences as daily drinking. In some ways more, in that the detox is very stressful on the body and may lead to neurological issues more than continuous drinking.

Justme8

Thank you all for your responses. I just feel so low and embarrassed. 😢 I can’t erase what my children have seen. What worthless mother I am. I just can’t bare to think of it. The damage I have done to them and how I swore I wouldn’t do what my dad did to me.

dwtbd

But you can do everything about what they see , as in present and future tense.
Use that , guilt is natural to feel , don’t let it be used as weapon against your better self.
You can do this , Rootin for ya

Ladysadie

You will always need to be cognizant of the fact that your boys want to look up to you. They want a mother they can be proud of, not someone they are ashamed of. If you binge drink then you are going overboard.

Our children shouldn't have to "fix us" like your father (and mine was also alcoholic) went over the top. Honestly, what your sons are saying is the best advice you could ever have. They love you and don't want you to be this pathetic drunken old woman. I have a son that has scolded me as well. He is the best presence in my life. Get a grip, stay sober, stop embarrassing. Show up to any event they are at sober and supportive.

It feels so good to have your sons' respect, and worth any effort. They will be in your life the rest of your life if you are fortunate.

People we love have a right to request that we are our best selves. Dust yourself off and commit to doing better. There's a lot of fun to be had without alcohol.

columbus

"I am broken."

So was I when I quite.

Utterly, thoroughly, completely and disgustingly broken.

Odd as it may sound, it was the best thing that ever happened to me,
as it forced/allowed me to rebuild me from the ashes up.

Keep this in mind, okay?

fini

no, you can't erase it. but you can certainly do whatever is necessary for you to quit drinking and stay quit. you may still embarrasss yourself when sober, though
not making fun of you...but to point out the trite but true fact that you cannot change the past, but going forward you have choices.
how are you thinking of proceeding?
i found participating daily on a sobriety forum one of the really beneficial steps i took.