zjw

Yesturday i was really depressed said to my wife. ya know this is crap but at least i'm not drinking.

thats my way of being positive. In tough times its like I may not have crap to make me feel good but the mere fact that i'm sober is enough to often keep me going forward.

Now to us alcholics we get it we understand and can appreciate it "at least i'm still sober" like thank god right?

But when i speak like this to a non alcoholic there like oh geeze wtf is wrong with this guy what a depressing thing to say rarara he has a horrible outlook.

to me its quite the contrary. I realize just how much worse my predicament could be and i'm greatful that at least i'm still sober despite the nonsnese i'm dealing with.

so what says you is this so bad? I feel as if some would beat one me for saying something like that. Me? i'm like somedays thats all you got and damn its a pretty damn good thing to have!

opinions?

trachemys

zj, most people can't accept that there are bad days. They think it's all about attitude. They haven't had the bad days that put a hobnail boot on their back and crush them into the gravel.

They will.

Everyone will know the real bad days eventually.

zjw

yeah I feel bad sometimes I go to AA just so i can hear the other stories and realize my sitations really not that bad. I just need that perspective. I feel like i'm just useing them to feel better or something then i feel crappy about that. But i try to help as much as i can.

And lets face it we here some of these stories and its a good reminder to keep fighting the good fight keep getting up and taking another swing at life.

trachemys

You do realize you just turned the corner again, right?

Ken33xx

I've always been appreciative of the fact I'm sober. I can still remember what it was like and where I was the day I joined AA.

I can twist a lot of things but what I can't twist is the idea life was better with the booze.

My problems today are of a quality nature and always have been since getting sober.

SoberLeigh

There are some days, zjw, where sobriety is my bottom line, too. The great thing, though, is that it is a damn high bottom!

ScottFromWI

I have had some real down in the dumps days due to uncertainly with my job, family problems and other issues outside the home.

For me "at least I'm not drinking" is actually a very positive thing in itself. Mostly because of how much I had to overcome and the amount of work I had to do to get here.

Stellar45

Abstaining from alcohol is about the best thing I can do right now and the only thing right in a myriad of events that have transpired lately. I can personally identify with you. Being realistic, things can always get worse, a lot worse if I were to start drinking again.
I identify with how you feel but encourage you to start recognizing the good things that you have in your life right now. Keep moving forward. 6 days is a great start.

zjw

yeah just yest i looked at the date and thought geeze in 2 months i'll have 7 years sober. how about that. I mean my sitaution and outlook seems so incredibly bleek right now but I do have that to look fowarrd too just 2 months away i got 7 years wtf would i drink for now?

sure drinkign sounds fantastic at times but geeze it would just be totally insane to go through all that again.

Stayingsassy

Zjw, I do it often.

"I stayed sober today" is always the most important thing to me, as an alcoholic who has escaped her deadly disease for a long enough time to realize what an incredible blessing that is.

I've gotten through terrible days with "I stayed sober" more than once, it has always lifted my spirits, and reminded me I'm not nearly as weak as I may feel at that time.

and yes, that's something that only an alcoholic who got sober can really understand.

Dropsie

Its interesting isn't it.

I assume that I will stay sober today and every day and never give myself any credit for it.

I guess that is part of the source of relapses. It becomes so normal we are not present with how important it is and how hard fought when we go back to just living.

Thanks for reminding me.

And hang in there zjw, I know the uncertainty is tough, but you are tougher.

XX

Cosima11

For me drinking was a way of escaping and not confronting changes.. we all know how that turns out. I still don't have much on my plate right now but also know once I climb my way back up to higher levels of productivity and interpersonal entanglements "those times" will inevitably come. But the biggest lesson I've learned from sobriety is how important it is to look the problem in the eye even when it seems the deck has been stacked against you.

Keep the faith. Your tagline should be a great reminder

zjw

i started this thread cause more and more often i'm feeling a lot like i did when i first got sober. resorting to the "at least id idnt drink" as my bottom line like another poster said.

now when i quit drinking for like 8 or 9 months at least i had this lump in my throat always short of breath kidna feeling. I had no idea what it was at the tiem. Just assumed it was cause i smoked and i had cancer and was gonan die. Course it went away finally.

well past few days its back and keeps getting worse. I think its just panic. I just got too much on my plate and no idea how to clear some of it off.

I got that whole trapped in my own head thing going on again like back then. I didnt even get to drink for this misery geeze.

I wanna slow down some and do things at a more relaxed pace for me but its spiraling out of control and those around me when i scream and freak out and say its too much tell me its just life and its hard its gonna be ok keep going. and I'm spiraling.

When i quit dirnkign i learnd to not bite off more then i could chew. and here i am shoulding too damn much and everyones like yeah its ok this happens keep shouldering while piling more on.

I cant do this. soemthign gotta give here.

I might make everyone mad around me but i mgiht have to put my foot down. its all getting too out of control again. I told my wife i feel like i'm juggling 31232121 balls and droopping them all over. I'd liek to only juggle what i can handle shes like oh its ok lifes just hard just keep going. its like you dont understand i'm going ******* crazy right now i cant do this i cant operate this way.

everyone things that I CAN operate like this and that I just lie to myself and say i cant. well prime example saturday i lost my **** screamed at everone in my family why? cause i got too much going on !! i know it but everyone jsut keeps looking at me to handle it all and i cant.

zjw

i was at a party on sat. i had a great time lots of booze there i wasnt phased but i told my one friend ya know if it was closer to home. I think i woulda drank. he's like OMFG why. I said cause it was juts a really enjoyable time and i thnk it woulda just been an incredbly welcomed relieft and i woudlnt have thought twice about it.

last night i sat there in the bathroom with a bottle of nyquil yeah i know *sigh* i just wanted to shut down. was like ya know if i drink enough i'll go out like a light and i wont wake up in the middle of hte night freaking out as usual. and i'll get some godo rest.

I played the tape. i new i'd feel like trash from that the next morning. so I didnt do it but good god did i want too.

I just wanna shut the thoughts down etc..

goodbyeevan

Definitely sounds like anxiety, stress and panic... I'm so glad you played that tape. You've worked way too hard to go back to that. It seems like the only solution is to get some of that off your plate. Either share it with someone else's plate or dump it altogether. Your sobriety and life depend on it. If those are your priorities, you cannot carry on in this way. There have to be some things someone else can help you shoulder. Yea life is hard and we do keep going but we have to keep going sober or else sh** will really hit the fan.

Berrybean

I know the feeling. Sometimes it's hard to stay in the moment and not let the next and the next and the next (ad infinitum) task weigh in and crowd our minds and stop us focussing on what we are supposed to be doing at that moment.

I tend to find that when I'm losing my shot like this it's because I've met chores and 'life' take precedence over my recovery. Thing is, it's my recovery that GIVES me the tools for living. And then I'm reminded of the woodcutter, and the need to take time out each day to sharpen my axe (First Things First and all that)...

A wise old man walking through a forest chanced upon a woodcutter. The woodsman had a huge pile of logs on his left and a small basket of logs that he had chopped on his right. He chopped and chopped, puffing, panting and sweating.

The wise man greeted him and said "Your axe is blunt. This is making life hard for you. Just over the river is a man who would help you to sharpen your axe. Come with me and I'll show you."
The wood-cutter rolled his eyes, incredulous.
"Old man." He said. "Does it look to you like I have time to sharpen my axe??"

No one will sharpen my axe for me, and it won't get sharp by itself. If I don't take that time to work on my recovery, I won't be as able to manage living life on life's terms. Whether that will look like me being able to complete a massive to-do list because I'm cookin'-on-gas in the moment and focussed on each challenge as I take it on; being able to push my oerfectionist tendancies to one side and lean into the fear of failure and give things a go anyway, even if I suspect that I won't manage to do as well as I'd like; finding the humility to ask others for help; or even having the courage to decline a request to do something because I know I don't have the resources to do it, and not letting that make me feel guilty and unlovable. My recovery doesn't make me super-human, but it means that I have more chance of finding self-acceptance and self-love even when I can't do it all, and not get fearful and resentful of others when things get too much.

I hope you feel better soon.

BB

biminiblue

Z, maybe you could use some pharmaceutical help for the short term.

The night panic, the daytime unmanageable racing thoughts. I mean I'm not gonna diagnose you, but that's pretty classic.

And, don't forget to run.

zjw

berry bean your right. but it seems no one will give me time to sharpen my axe if you will. as is this morning i'm being rushed to go do this and go dot hat and i'm liek come on guys back off. I'm close to putting my foot down and saying no ill get to it when i get to it. then going back to calm myself down some THEN going and handling tasks.

Bimini
from the point of view that seeing a doc and getting a medication to help as being a possible solution in the short term I wont disagree with you.

from my point of view however. I dont have insurance. I cant really afford to go to a doc and my current doc wont even prescribe that stuff. I'd have to doctor shop if you will I hate to use that term.

Then its like just yest i read an article about folks having problems getting off anti-depressents then i read articles about people having problems with other various medications so then I just get scared to do those.

I dont think a pill can solve this and it might give me the false impression that i can handle more then i can relaly handle.

or maybe your right and I should get something for the short term. i just dunno.

But I do know doing what I have been doing WAS workign. But my routine is being F@#(*!@! with and my world is being rocked. so i'm incredibly off kilter.

I'm still running just becuase I knwo it works. I'm running more even. but goodness it takes an awful lot to do it some days.

I'm clinging tightly to what i do know works. IE those are my lines in the sand. running proper diet lines in the sand. Keeping things managebale is also a big line in the sand but it seems that ones being pushed right now.

zjw

and for the record i hate that i'm even here posting and freakign out to this level with almost 7 years sober. I almost feel like i'm only 6 or 7 months sober right now. which i suppose is better then day one thats for sure.

zjw

it urks me. I"ve sent up the red flags and warning signs ot everyone around me. and they jsut seem to think i'm under some stress. i'm like you dont get it guys i'm about to break here.

maybe breaking is what needs to happen tho. I dunno how many times i've asked for help to no avail. Granted some have helped some and are trying in the only wya they can or no how. But i'm not getting the help i really really need.

maybe it'll come or i'll just break. i dunno. But geeze if i break it aint like the warning signs where not there. good god they where there.