trachemys

You know that's a good book, yes? The unexamined life

biminiblue

I tend to be really sensitive to rejection. It's just the Human Condition, yeah? If I am outcast I could die. Old ancestral patterns and fears. Except if I don't get the job, will I really die? No. It just feels the same.

I have to go to ask for jobs and I have the same fears of rejection and they tie into my fear of abandonment. My father left us when I was seven and remarried with a ready-made stepfamily. My mother was a drinker and emotionally and physically unavailable - always at work or looking for dates at the bar. When she was around she was judgemental and frequently abusive. So I'm thinking I come by that fear honestly.

Doesn't make it okay.

Doesn't make it go away.

I'm safe in this moment and she has no power over me any more. It is a trudge, though. Recognizing where it came from is helpful. I wasn't given much nurture as a kid. I try not to let it rule me, I remind myself that I am a good person and deserve good things.

zjw

yeah I was told i was a no good POS among many other things so I dunno I guess thats why i tell myself the very same things and why i have 0 self confidence and beat on myself etc..

For me rejection just kinda reaffirms it all. and rejection at a time like this after i was rejected from the last job and well feel so worthless unable to provide for the family gives a whole new meaning.

that being said with like this job its like well if they dont want me they dont want me oh well. But i'm sure if i get rejected a few more times it'll start to sting more.

Someone told me a long time ago that they recognized that I needed lots of positive reassureance. I needed someone(s) to constantly tell me i'm ok i'm not a bad person etc.. Not give me a fat head but just help keep my head from spiraling back into the gutter really. I never understood what they meant untill i got sober. THEN i saw it. THEN i started to realize that if i surrounded myself iwth positive people and such it helped me becuase by default i can be so hard on myself etc..

IN my case I think it was my upbringing as well. I'm not sure how to over come it but I know i can keep working at it.

I look at some of my kids one in particular how happy they are how they dont have the same conditions how they are doing well and function pretty good and how when i was a kid i was not like that and I wonder what could have been? i'll never know.

I also was a bad kid. i mean into mischief a lot. I was the kid that thought upt he bad thing to go do. And i notice a lot of kids arent like this and I wonder why was I like that? I think about that a lot. and I think what it is is i wanted positive attention. I never got it at home. But i did get it amongts my pears when i concocted the next mischeivous plan. And that would make me feel good. So i was naughty. This would then in turn get me beat even more at home lol. But I was not a bad kid.

At the same time not all is lost as a result of my nonsense i'm here helping others when i can and outside of here doing the same etc..

Yeah having to remind yourself your a good person is tough. We shoudlnt have too do that.

Berrybean

Hope the interview goes smoothly, and that it's the best outcome for you (whether that means getting the job, or perhaps not).

BB

zjw

thanks berrybean means a lot to me I"ll know more later today. I spoke to another person in the industry i'm interviewing for tho still in my field and he made mention that the pay is likely not all that high. I kinda already new that. I'll really have to navigate it properly. While if they want me i want to make the most possible I'll settle for less just to get a paycheck coming in that being said if i do I'll likely continue to look and not be loyal nor happy unless they can make up for it in other ways money is not always everything. But i dont want to scare them off with what i did make. I'd prefer to go in and state my price and leave it at that but that doesnt always go favorably and when your out of work and need a check its a tougher game.

in other news some friends of mine are going to help me learn some new tricks in the field. While i want out of the field untill the ball can get going with some of my other ideas the idea of getting out seems like fantasty that is of course unless no one hires me which is also possible lol. But in the hopes that someone will hire me it will help me brush up on some skills and learn a few new ones. I cant promise it'll get me work but it could increase my odds and My one friend had a point that now is the time to learn something new since i'm out of work and have more time and theres no pressure to learn while on the job say.

It is what it is.

Dropsie

Thinking of you today.

I often think of your signature line "sometimes we are interpreting something as a tragedy and it's an act of grace"

When I ask my therapist how some really bad things can really be an act of grace, she reminds me that its all about perspective. And time. And sobriety.

All the best.

zjw

yeha dropsie. years ago i lost my job it was super scary i had absolutly no idea wtf to do i was out of work for over a year had to sell my house and move pretty far move in with family till i found something with a couple kids in tow. the upside is after i sold my house I had some money but no job of course.

now in the end it worked out it was a very good decision. That decision alone I swear is a big part of the reason why i eventually got sober and I go to aa in that old town that i initially moved too becuase well its home to me and just comforting.

So yeah I know first hand how it can be terrifgying but ultimately be the best darn thing ever.

I know getting out of that old job is a blessing in disguise i was down right miserable. I also new when this day came this transition period would be hard and scary at times. I know its gonna ultimately be better.

But i just dunno how yet. I'd be wise to quit worrying about it and just allow things to unfold but my mind gets away from me and i end up freaking out at times too I'm only human i guess.

I keep repeating over and over tho that no matter where this leads I just want to be happy. Removing that old job is like cutting out a cancer in my life this is gonna feel like the recovery and I hope after this its gonna be a much better outcome for me over all. I just gotta get through this rough patch.

I am fortunate that for a little while anyhow money isnt really a big problem so long as i'm careful and nothign horrible happens ::Knock on wood:: lol.

zjw

i read another story from mooji recently along the lines of

We sometimes are in teh car and we dont like the speed we'd like to go maybe in 2nd gear only it seems more comfortable but our higher power says nah go to 4th we squirm we cry we say we dont like this slow down i hate this. when we need to trust only and just go with it.

zjw

the interview went well. I'd be surprised if it pays anywhere near what i made. its a position thats considerably below my level of expertise and pay grade. That being said they stated they would allow me to work from home and such so that might make up for the lack of pay it would also allow me to remain in my field in the meantime till i sort this mess out.

so who knows we'll see maybe they will surprise me with more money then i'm thinking. or maybe i'll never hear from them again lol these thigns tend to go how ever it seems.

I'm just glad its over with. it was nice drive throught he country. that is one thing that is nice about the commute it passes by some of my favorite farms that i shop at and such. If i had to commute anywhere i dunno that i could ask for one with better scenery well maybe i could but this one is pretty dang good.

in the mean time its back to running lol.

Hawkeye13

glad it went well