at least i'm not drinking
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Maybe saying 'no' sooner rather than later is what could happen instead of keeping that for when you have been broken. Maybe they dont / won't understand. That doesn't invalidate what you're saying.
What bits of sharpening your axe have gone by the wayside?
BB
What bits of sharpening your axe have gone by the wayside?
BB
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
"God, my thoughts are unmanageable. Please take this from me and lead me to the actions you would have me do. In every thought, turn me toward the next right thing. Let me be of service to everyone I meet. Thank you."
I'm not a believer in pharmaceuticals either. Been there done that. It/they lead to more problems and other problems. You can apply for state insurance, though. That would take one fear off your plate.
You have a financial cushion, you're okay.
When people push me, I just don't engage: not even in my thoughts. I block people on my phone who are well-meaning but clueless. I will make the decisions when I need to and not a moment sooner. I try to stay in my own lane and if someone swerves into it, I swerve away.
I'm not a believer in pharmaceuticals either. Been there done that. It/they lead to more problems and other problems. You can apply for state insurance, though. That would take one fear off your plate.
You have a financial cushion, you're okay.
When people push me, I just don't engage: not even in my thoughts. I block people on my phone who are well-meaning but clueless. I will make the decisions when I need to and not a moment sooner. I try to stay in my own lane and if someone swerves into it, I swerve away.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Yeah Bimini I told my wife this morning it’s not her I’m not angry at her but basicly that I would handle things my way and in my time and she need not worry about it just do what she has to do and I’ll do what I have to do this gets her off my back for not. I blew off someone else’s request all weekend I honestly was to busy and I feel bad because I dropped the ball but I just couldn’t they this morning said they’d handle it I thought good now leave me alone!
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A good example of being pushed in a way I feel isn’t working my wife wants me to buy a suit for this interview dress me up in something I’m not to be something I no longer am to go do something that’s not gonna fit I keep saying no and everyone’s just pushing me in this direction. I’m playing along with them because I simply don’t have any better suggestions I can’t even think clearly. I m terrified god forbid I do get an offer. But I’m trying to remain positive ya know it might just be fine at then doc the day tho this is not me this not what I want.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Originally Posted by zjw 
A good example of being pushed in a way I feel isn’t working my wife wants me to buy a suit for this interview dress me up in something I’m not to be something I no longer am to go do something that’s not gonna fit I keep saying no and everyone’s just pushing me in this direction. I’m playing along with them because I simply don’t have any better suggestions I can’t even think clearly. I m terrified god forbid I do get an offer. But I’m trying to remain positive ya know it might just be fine at then doc the day tho this is not me this not what I want.
Is the problem the suit, the interview or the fact that that you might get this job. If you don't want the job, why are you going to the interview. What is it you want and don't want?
Do you think the problem here might be pre-interview anxiety?
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I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
I'm close to putting my foot down and saying no ill get to it when i get to it. then going back to calm myself down some THEN going and handling tasks.
There have been times where I've had to temporarily "fall apart" in order to be able to keep on going. Then I am able to pick myself back up and carry on.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Essex
Posts: 411
and for the record i hate that i'm even here posting and freakign out to this level with almost 7 years sober. I almost feel like i'm only 6 or 7 months sober right now. which i suppose is better then day one thats for sure.
On the contrary, I really admire that you have have the humility to do this. Time was, I’d have way too much pride, and pride is a killer. Just because we have some sober time, doesn’t mean this stuff doesn’t happen any longer. In fact, I’m increasingly aware of anxiety, fear and all sorts I had no idea was there. And it’s part of the deal of living a sober life. The longer we go, the more likely, not less, that we’ll inevitably deal with trying situations, and find out a little more about who we are, and where we’re at…..self knowledge, one of the joys of recovery ;-)
And am with you on the medication front, unless it is your own physician’s advice, who knows you well, and can offer support as a managed and short term intervention. Other than that, it would be a no from me too, unless it was at a point where I couldn’t function. It sounds like a bad couple of days, but doesn’t sound like you’re there?
Have been following your most recent threads, and what strikes me is that the changes you’re confronting are not ones you’ve chosen? However much you didn’t enjoy your job, an imposed reality is way different than the fantasy of quitting a job. The fact that this is not actively chosen has the potential to be very stressful, so no surprise you feel very stressed by it.
Add to that suggestions by others, which may well be intended helpfully, but will do nothing for someone experiencing a racing mind. So, as you’ve expressed, boundaries and being really direct, but kind I have no hesitation in saying “I get that you mean well, and that you’re worried too, but right now, my head is too full to hear you. I can let you know when is a good time.” I use a lot of broken record too – I repeat the same thing over and over...it used to feel strange doing it, but it really does save coming up with a response I need to think about when it’s the last thing I feel able for, and those responses buy time. It;s not rude or dismissive, it’s honest.
It sounds like you’ve already begun to manage what is in your gift to manage. It is a tricky one if you feel you’re under pressure to pursue something you’re not that into, but there is the practicality of needing to make a living...something that is an absolute gem of wisdom, that was surely written for people with racy heads like us, is the AA Just for Today card. This one particularly fits, “just for today, I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime” That card has got me through many a tense moment, have always loved it.
Keep on keeping on :-)
On the contrary, I really admire that you have have the humility to do this. Time was, I’d have way too much pride, and pride is a killer. Just because we have some sober time, doesn’t mean this stuff doesn’t happen any longer. In fact, I’m increasingly aware of anxiety, fear and all sorts I had no idea was there. And it’s part of the deal of living a sober life. The longer we go, the more likely, not less, that we’ll inevitably deal with trying situations, and find out a little more about who we are, and where we’re at…..self knowledge, one of the joys of recovery ;-)
And am with you on the medication front, unless it is your own physician’s advice, who knows you well, and can offer support as a managed and short term intervention. Other than that, it would be a no from me too, unless it was at a point where I couldn’t function. It sounds like a bad couple of days, but doesn’t sound like you’re there?
Have been following your most recent threads, and what strikes me is that the changes you’re confronting are not ones you’ve chosen? However much you didn’t enjoy your job, an imposed reality is way different than the fantasy of quitting a job. The fact that this is not actively chosen has the potential to be very stressful, so no surprise you feel very stressed by it.
Add to that suggestions by others, which may well be intended helpfully, but will do nothing for someone experiencing a racing mind. So, as you’ve expressed, boundaries and being really direct, but kind I have no hesitation in saying “I get that you mean well, and that you’re worried too, but right now, my head is too full to hear you. I can let you know when is a good time.” I use a lot of broken record too – I repeat the same thing over and over...it used to feel strange doing it, but it really does save coming up with a response I need to think about when it’s the last thing I feel able for, and those responses buy time. It;s not rude or dismissive, it’s honest.
It sounds like you’ve already begun to manage what is in your gift to manage. It is a tricky one if you feel you’re under pressure to pursue something you’re not that into, but there is the practicality of needing to make a living...something that is an absolute gem of wisdom, that was surely written for people with racy heads like us, is the AA Just for Today card. This one particularly fits, “just for today, I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime” That card has got me through many a tense moment, have always loved it.
Keep on keeping on :-)
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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thanks pipefish. I pretty much had to shut out people today so i could at least accomplish a few things. I got more to do tho i'm not done.
as for the interview nah it has nothign to do wiht pre interview anxiety. I'll go in there and be cool as a cucumber walk the walk talk the talk sell myself and get it or i wont. thats just how I am its all I know how to do.
The issue is I want out of thise field i want nothing to do with this crap. I coudlnt care less about working at this place. I simply need a paycheck anyway i can get it and the only way i know how to make anywhere near what I once did is to stay in the field. I gotta stop the bleed etc.. So i'm going through the motions. All my family seems to think i'm just udnerstress or i'm just complaining. they dont realize that doing this nonsense is like nails on a chalk board to me. although i think my wife gets it she sees how i fly off into a fit of rage when ever i have to do anything even remotely like what i did for a living. But she like me has no answers no solutions no ideas. she just thinks maybe i'll simply be happier in a new job and all will work it self out. She might be right? I dunno.
But I sat there in the dressing room after i struggled to find pants cuase get this i'm too thin... like I guess thats a good problem to have. I finally find something and i put it on and i'm like good god this isnt me. this isnt me at all. I can put this crap on and fake it for an interview but if i have to dress like this day in and day out? god help me ::facepalm::
But what choice do i have? kids gotta eat. bills gotta get paid. I have no ideas. I mean sure I have some but no money to do them. Or they dont pay enough.
I'm increasingly more and more tempted to just apply for jobs that i WANT to do then accept one then when its not enough money well just let that work itself out however it will. And Just try and remain focused on the fact that I have a job that I WANT.
and yeah one good thing is i'm done with that old job. and I did know that when this day came that i'd be dealing with this mess. and yes i woudl have been more proactive had i been able to come up with ideas or if life had permited. I did what I could to try and get out ahead of this as best i could.
it is hwat it is.
as for the interview nah it has nothign to do wiht pre interview anxiety. I'll go in there and be cool as a cucumber walk the walk talk the talk sell myself and get it or i wont. thats just how I am its all I know how to do.
The issue is I want out of thise field i want nothing to do with this crap. I coudlnt care less about working at this place. I simply need a paycheck anyway i can get it and the only way i know how to make anywhere near what I once did is to stay in the field. I gotta stop the bleed etc.. So i'm going through the motions. All my family seems to think i'm just udnerstress or i'm just complaining. they dont realize that doing this nonsense is like nails on a chalk board to me. although i think my wife gets it she sees how i fly off into a fit of rage when ever i have to do anything even remotely like what i did for a living. But she like me has no answers no solutions no ideas. she just thinks maybe i'll simply be happier in a new job and all will work it self out. She might be right? I dunno.
But I sat there in the dressing room after i struggled to find pants cuase get this i'm too thin... like I guess thats a good problem to have. I finally find something and i put it on and i'm like good god this isnt me. this isnt me at all. I can put this crap on and fake it for an interview but if i have to dress like this day in and day out? god help me ::facepalm::
But what choice do i have? kids gotta eat. bills gotta get paid. I have no ideas. I mean sure I have some but no money to do them. Or they dont pay enough.
I'm increasingly more and more tempted to just apply for jobs that i WANT to do then accept one then when its not enough money well just let that work itself out however it will. And Just try and remain focused on the fact that I have a job that I WANT.
and yeah one good thing is i'm done with that old job. and I did know that when this day came that i'd be dealing with this mess. and yes i woudl have been more proactive had i been able to come up with ideas or if life had permited. I did what I could to try and get out ahead of this as best i could.
it is hwat it is.
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Sounds like you're ready for a change.
What would you like to do instead? That s probably the thing to work out. Then think what transferable skills you have, and what you might need to build on to get there. In the meantime I suppose you might need to just take what you can get, but if there was some light at the end of the tunnel that probably wouldn't seem so painful.
I think a lot of us rethink our careers in recovery. Our priorities change and we tend to want to do something more meaningful to us rather than it just being all about the higher salary.
BB
What would you like to do instead? That s probably the thing to work out. Then think what transferable skills you have, and what you might need to build on to get there. In the meantime I suppose you might need to just take what you can get, but if there was some light at the end of the tunnel that probably wouldn't seem so painful.
I think a lot of us rethink our careers in recovery. Our priorities change and we tend to want to do something more meaningful to us rather than it just being all about the higher salary.
BB
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your 100% spot on berrybean. I was struggling in this feild towards the tail end of my dirnking days. I mean i had my problems long before then but it started to come to a head.
I just stuck it out for lack of better options. I was miserable but trapped and it paid the bills. I tried my darnest to just look on the bright side tho many times i was miserable despite that.
If i had some light at the end of the tunnel yes taking wtvr to get me to the next stepping stone wouldnt seem so bad.
I know what i'd like to do. i have ideas and other fields i'd like to get in. none of them will pay enough to pay for our overhead. We had some idea of my wifes bsuiness making money so ic ould do something else one day and take a paycut. but htats not panning out either. I'm angry about the whole thing.
Its a long complicated saga and flipping out about it on the open board wont solve nothing.
So for now I just go through the motions people ask how the job search si going i say fine. I send resumes out to 9129123921321 jobs i know i'll never get a call back on cause i'm not qualified. The 5 or 6 i was qualified for did land me the 2 interviews i've gotten so far. I wont get the first one. Its kinda too bad I was a good fit for it but they wont allow me to work remote so thats out. The second one we will see. I dont think its for me either. But I dunno so i feel like I gotta scope it out.
The real thing is I want out of the field entirely.
If ic oudl stomach the loan debt i'd consider going back to school take out student loans and do soething else. I dunno how i'd ever pull it off tho bills have to be paid in the mean time kids have to be fed and to finish schooling with all those loans welp that woudlnt be all that great either.
I have some business ideas but no money. I know one person who has the money who could maybe help me get it going but they dont believe in me so thats out.
not mcuh i can do grin and bear it.
I'm posting a lot because honestly i'm down right terrified i'm gonna loose my sanity or pickup. I'm terrified with all the stress i'm under my wifes gonna walk or something. And my mind keeps going to darker places as well.
So i guess i'm sounding off and hoping someone has some ideas or well its just nice to have other people to talk to who have half an idea what i'm dealing with and understand.
I just stuck it out for lack of better options. I was miserable but trapped and it paid the bills. I tried my darnest to just look on the bright side tho many times i was miserable despite that.
If i had some light at the end of the tunnel yes taking wtvr to get me to the next stepping stone wouldnt seem so bad.
I know what i'd like to do. i have ideas and other fields i'd like to get in. none of them will pay enough to pay for our overhead. We had some idea of my wifes bsuiness making money so ic ould do something else one day and take a paycut. but htats not panning out either. I'm angry about the whole thing.
Its a long complicated saga and flipping out about it on the open board wont solve nothing.
So for now I just go through the motions people ask how the job search si going i say fine. I send resumes out to 9129123921321 jobs i know i'll never get a call back on cause i'm not qualified. The 5 or 6 i was qualified for did land me the 2 interviews i've gotten so far. I wont get the first one. Its kinda too bad I was a good fit for it but they wont allow me to work remote so thats out. The second one we will see. I dont think its for me either. But I dunno so i feel like I gotta scope it out.
The real thing is I want out of the field entirely.
If ic oudl stomach the loan debt i'd consider going back to school take out student loans and do soething else. I dunno how i'd ever pull it off tho bills have to be paid in the mean time kids have to be fed and to finish schooling with all those loans welp that woudlnt be all that great either.
I have some business ideas but no money. I know one person who has the money who could maybe help me get it going but they dont believe in me so thats out.
not mcuh i can do grin and bear it.
I'm posting a lot because honestly i'm down right terrified i'm gonna loose my sanity or pickup. I'm terrified with all the stress i'm under my wifes gonna walk or something. And my mind keeps going to darker places as well.
So i guess i'm sounding off and hoping someone has some ideas or well its just nice to have other people to talk to who have half an idea what i'm dealing with and understand.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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What about evening study or distance learning? It is harder to study as an adult with responsibilities so it tends to involve thinking out if the box.
Seems onky yesterday that one of my AA pals started a distance learning degree course and she has just submitted her final assignment.
Another one but the bullet with reduced pay to take a trainingninnthe job situation and that seems to have worked out. No new cars or holidays this year, but no regrets either.
Another guy I met in the fellowship a while back (visiting from a different area) popped back last Friday, and he's just finishingbuo the maths degree if that he was just starting when I first met him. He'll be starting teacher training next year.
It's amazing what we can accomplish sober and in recovery. What are the different study options available to get the qualifications you need?
What field is it you're hoping one day to go into?
BB
PS You see the wooden anchor on my avatar? Well that was made by someone on here who set up a new business from scratch which was based on what he loves to do. Not all plain sailing but he's doing it, and he can deal with the other stuff day to day, as those things come up.
Seems onky yesterday that one of my AA pals started a distance learning degree course and she has just submitted her final assignment.
Another one but the bullet with reduced pay to take a trainingninnthe job situation and that seems to have worked out. No new cars or holidays this year, but no regrets either.
Another guy I met in the fellowship a while back (visiting from a different area) popped back last Friday, and he's just finishingbuo the maths degree if that he was just starting when I first met him. He'll be starting teacher training next year.
It's amazing what we can accomplish sober and in recovery. What are the different study options available to get the qualifications you need?
What field is it you're hoping one day to go into?
BB
PS You see the wooden anchor on my avatar? Well that was made by someone on here who set up a new business from scratch which was based on what he loves to do. Not all plain sailing but he's doing it, and he can deal with the other stuff day to day, as those things come up.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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yeah berrybean i have ideas. some big some small. going back to school i looked into it for a few diff things that i wanted to do but it was incredibly expensive and those things that iw ant to do didnt pay near what i made so I always avoided it.
Now being in the predicament i'm in. where i might have to take a paycut or cant find something at all of course those other options become more attractive again. My wife and I discussed some of that last night I said i just want to head in a direction here and go iwth something. Becasue i'm struggling trying to run in all directiosn i cant focus or operate like this. But shes not ready for me to stop looking in my field yet she thinks I should keep looking in my field. Maybe shes right i dunno I dunno that I agree I dont think i'll be happy to be honest and i'm fearful i'll end up trapped at the job with a paycut and a commute and when i cry out i wanna quit and do something else it'll be nope you cant we have bills to pay stay there just like my last job.
But going back to school wont give immediate results so It might be best to sit at some job i hate making less till i can sort that out.
I also have some business ideas but again most wont make as much money cetainly not initially and many take money to start so thats a problem as well. But i'm struggling to focus and sort it all out my mind is just racing etc... I did start writing up a plan for one but its going to take money to get it going money i dont hae but i am contimplating possibly takeing a PIECE of it and running with it IE maybe i can start it up but just do part of what i'm thinking and grow it. again another huge paycut but there seems no way aorund this.
We also talked about selling the house lowering our overhead etc.. I like the idea and wanted to do it a lont time ago so that we could save money and get out ahead of this but i got so much resistance on the idea. I new this was coming but everyone just figured i was the guy crying wolf.
But again if we lowered our overhead and I had to take a paycut? then yes the whole going to school for some other carreer move does become more attractive it would take a couple years but it might not be so bad. I do think however I'd rather sink that education money into business as I might be able to get quicker results and do something I find even more enjoyable but even some of my business ideas "may" require some education to pull off.
its just a big complicated mess and my head is spinning.
Now being in the predicament i'm in. where i might have to take a paycut or cant find something at all of course those other options become more attractive again. My wife and I discussed some of that last night I said i just want to head in a direction here and go iwth something. Becasue i'm struggling trying to run in all directiosn i cant focus or operate like this. But shes not ready for me to stop looking in my field yet she thinks I should keep looking in my field. Maybe shes right i dunno I dunno that I agree I dont think i'll be happy to be honest and i'm fearful i'll end up trapped at the job with a paycut and a commute and when i cry out i wanna quit and do something else it'll be nope you cant we have bills to pay stay there just like my last job.
But going back to school wont give immediate results so It might be best to sit at some job i hate making less till i can sort that out.
I also have some business ideas but again most wont make as much money cetainly not initially and many take money to start so thats a problem as well. But i'm struggling to focus and sort it all out my mind is just racing etc... I did start writing up a plan for one but its going to take money to get it going money i dont hae but i am contimplating possibly takeing a PIECE of it and running with it IE maybe i can start it up but just do part of what i'm thinking and grow it. again another huge paycut but there seems no way aorund this.
We also talked about selling the house lowering our overhead etc.. I like the idea and wanted to do it a lont time ago so that we could save money and get out ahead of this but i got so much resistance on the idea. I new this was coming but everyone just figured i was the guy crying wolf.
But again if we lowered our overhead and I had to take a paycut? then yes the whole going to school for some other carreer move does become more attractive it would take a couple years but it might not be so bad. I do think however I'd rather sink that education money into business as I might be able to get quicker results and do something I find even more enjoyable but even some of my business ideas "may" require some education to pull off.
its just a big complicated mess and my head is spinning.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Just a thought, but maybe you don't have to consider all the options simultaneously....? Maybe you don't have to make all those decisions right now.....?
Sometimes, a job really is just that - a job. It serves its' purpose, and is a means to an end. It doesn't mean it will last forever, because, well nothing really does last forever, if you think about it. So you take one of those while working on the business idea, or other venture. It's not a maxim for life or anything, but Harper Lee wrote To Kill a Mockingbird while working full time in a travel agency
In the last 4 years, I've downsized my home & made 3 job changes, - I don't have the family responsibilities you have; however, I am still solely responsible for my financial wellbeing & stability. I was made redundant from a very well paid job, which I didn't enjoy, and took the first job I was offered at less than half the salary. Given the change in financial circumstances, I then downsized my home & moved to a completely new area
While the money in the new job was a shock to the system, it really helped build my confidence, offered great learning, and really helped me identify some of the strengths and talents I have, that can be used either as an employee or working for myself.
Maybe self employment will be possible at some point, or..... maybe it won't, my stability and wellbeing is not dependent on that or any other particular outcome really, and that by far is the most important thing to come out of the changes I made - the completely unintended outcomes if you like, the ones I didn't plan for, try and facilitate or manufacture.
Far more important is that loss of feeling driven I used to have, like some unseen force is chasing me into situations and circumstances I didn't want to be in, and/or preventing me from accessing those that I believed would be perfect. The fear of 'getting stuck' or 'being trapped' was another favourite theme; the only thing I was really getting stuck by or trapped in was my own thinking. In short, I've less of a tendency to believe my head, and the stories it can tell. Life seems much easier, and while it doesn't mean the choices on offer are unlimited or perfect, it has come to mean I can live fairly happily most of the time with what is on offer. Truly priceless.
Take it steady
Sometimes, a job really is just that - a job. It serves its' purpose, and is a means to an end. It doesn't mean it will last forever, because, well nothing really does last forever, if you think about it. So you take one of those while working on the business idea, or other venture. It's not a maxim for life or anything, but Harper Lee wrote To Kill a Mockingbird while working full time in a travel agency
In the last 4 years, I've downsized my home & made 3 job changes, - I don't have the family responsibilities you have; however, I am still solely responsible for my financial wellbeing & stability. I was made redundant from a very well paid job, which I didn't enjoy, and took the first job I was offered at less than half the salary. Given the change in financial circumstances, I then downsized my home & moved to a completely new area
While the money in the new job was a shock to the system, it really helped build my confidence, offered great learning, and really helped me identify some of the strengths and talents I have, that can be used either as an employee or working for myself.
Maybe self employment will be possible at some point, or..... maybe it won't, my stability and wellbeing is not dependent on that or any other particular outcome really, and that by far is the most important thing to come out of the changes I made - the completely unintended outcomes if you like, the ones I didn't plan for, try and facilitate or manufacture.
Far more important is that loss of feeling driven I used to have, like some unseen force is chasing me into situations and circumstances I didn't want to be in, and/or preventing me from accessing those that I believed would be perfect. The fear of 'getting stuck' or 'being trapped' was another favourite theme; the only thing I was really getting stuck by or trapped in was my own thinking. In short, I've less of a tendency to believe my head, and the stories it can tell. Life seems much easier, and while it doesn't mean the choices on offer are unlimited or perfect, it has come to mean I can live fairly happily most of the time with what is on offer. Truly priceless.
Take it steady
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
true pipefish. I think my minds just getting away from me and i'm freaking out as i sit here thinking i need ot have allt he answers at once.
I'm not adverse to downsizeing i can see how it actually could be super cool. I know people with considerably smaller houses then mine less cost and much cooler properties and nicer places to live. I could probably be a lot happier even with less. Its just a considerable amt of work to get from point A to point B but I guess rome wasnt built in a day.
I dont know how this is all gonna shake out and things have a funny way of working out for example out of the blue I just made a good chunk of money today. I didnt see that coming.
I'm not gonna be able to move in any one direction but I do have some irons in fires and I'll eagerly persue anything that might come of those. IE i made a call today and have someone eager to utilize some of my services and is going to refer me out for something else i can do. Its not much money but it would give me some pocket money now and then and it would be all cash so I cant cry about that.
I told my wife if some of these little things i can do could amt to soemthing consistent even. I'd gladly go take a job that pays considerably less then what i did make and work it part time and do this other stuff as well. I think i'd be happier i'd prolly take a paycut but i'm probably gonna take a paycut anyhow so whats it really matter. and besides i can always find more ways to make money etc.. and then its no longer a cut.
Its just this big scary unknown at the moment.
I'm not adverse to downsizeing i can see how it actually could be super cool. I know people with considerably smaller houses then mine less cost and much cooler properties and nicer places to live. I could probably be a lot happier even with less. Its just a considerable amt of work to get from point A to point B but I guess rome wasnt built in a day.
I dont know how this is all gonna shake out and things have a funny way of working out for example out of the blue I just made a good chunk of money today. I didnt see that coming.
I'm not gonna be able to move in any one direction but I do have some irons in fires and I'll eagerly persue anything that might come of those. IE i made a call today and have someone eager to utilize some of my services and is going to refer me out for something else i can do. Its not much money but it would give me some pocket money now and then and it would be all cash so I cant cry about that.
I told my wife if some of these little things i can do could amt to soemthing consistent even. I'd gladly go take a job that pays considerably less then what i did make and work it part time and do this other stuff as well. I think i'd be happier i'd prolly take a paycut but i'm probably gonna take a paycut anyhow so whats it really matter. and besides i can always find more ways to make money etc.. and then its no longer a cut.
Its just this big scary unknown at the moment.
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and i gotta remind myself even if i had a job making what i made right this min its not garantee i'd still have that job tommorrow. I cant really bank on squat anyhow. Its my own foolishness for thinking I could to begin with.
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Hey, I thought about you yesterday while I was watching that documentary "Pleasure Unwoven"
It talks a bit about stress and relapse. I thought it was well done in general, and beautifully filmed. Here's the link (it's an hour long, worth it.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptyr...ature=youtu.be
It talks a bit about stress and relapse. I thought it was well done in general, and beautifully filmed. Here's the link (it's an hour long, worth it.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptyr...ature=youtu.be
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thanks bimini yeah its tough at times you feel like theres something wrong with you. ya know like at this point i shouldnt be thinking about drinking one way or another. But I dunno i'm constantly reminded that thats just the nature of this problem and as long as we dont lower our guard and get complacent we can stay out in front of it.
I think what else makes it tough its the general mindset of folks like us. Its not like non alcholics generally speaking. Many non alcholics for example cant fathom why i'd wanna throw in the towel say screw it eat some garbage food and get a bottle of vodka with all i've achieved. Some have flat out told me they would think i must be bat **** nuts to go pickup a drink and such after all i've achieved. And its like ::shrug:: nuts? maybe but an recovering alcholic yup its just par for the course..
everything i've learned so far is why i havent picked up yet. The past few days i've had the panic returning as well. its horrible i sit here short of breath feel panic attacks coming on and i'm liek good god if i drank right now for sure that BS would be in full force. I know i just cant drink. But boy oh boy would I like some relief.
I think what else makes it tough its the general mindset of folks like us. Its not like non alcholics generally speaking. Many non alcholics for example cant fathom why i'd wanna throw in the towel say screw it eat some garbage food and get a bottle of vodka with all i've achieved. Some have flat out told me they would think i must be bat **** nuts to go pickup a drink and such after all i've achieved. And its like ::shrug:: nuts? maybe but an recovering alcholic yup its just par for the course..
everything i've learned so far is why i havent picked up yet. The past few days i've had the panic returning as well. its horrible i sit here short of breath feel panic attacks coming on and i'm liek good god if i drank right now for sure that BS would be in full force. I know i just cant drink. But boy oh boy would I like some relief.
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I watched that last night bimini pretty interesting. I do disagree with him in that I do feel some other diseases could possibly be prevented by choice as well but I'll leave it at that.
Your right tho when he talked about stress and such it made sense to me as to why now at this point i'm having such strong cravings. Its like built into me somehow thta when faced with this or that to just go drink. Its just how I'm wired.
I suppose the more I win each battle the closer i am to redoing the programming and winning the war.
I think in my current predicament its just becoming more and more clear that I need to simply remain present and worry about today. I have friends who've reminded me what i've said to them. "why worry you could get hit by a bus tommorrow or win the lottoe wtf does it matter" I mean its true I'm worried about my job out look and the reality is I could get told i have 6 months to live tommorrow for all i know. So how do i wanna spend this present moment?
I'm just off kilter and need to get grounded again. I'll get there and once i am i know i'll be happier again. This whole situation has just left me swaying is all.
Your right tho when he talked about stress and such it made sense to me as to why now at this point i'm having such strong cravings. Its like built into me somehow thta when faced with this or that to just go drink. Its just how I'm wired.
I suppose the more I win each battle the closer i am to redoing the programming and winning the war.
I think in my current predicament its just becoming more and more clear that I need to simply remain present and worry about today. I have friends who've reminded me what i've said to them. "why worry you could get hit by a bus tommorrow or win the lottoe wtf does it matter" I mean its true I'm worried about my job out look and the reality is I could get told i have 6 months to live tommorrow for all i know. So how do i wanna spend this present moment?
I'm just off kilter and need to get grounded again. I'll get there and once i am i know i'll be happier again. This whole situation has just left me swaying is all.
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I think you're doing great.
Maybe we both spend a little too much time in our heads, but a life not examined isn't much of a life, is it?
So many hours in the day to think about stuff without the blankness of drinking.
This morning I woke up in anxiety because of a really weird dream. I had to do a bunch of calisthenics and recite prayers for five minutes and then it started to subside.
You post a lot of this stuff in (what is for me) early morning. That's my most anxious time.
This is all going to work out.
I liked that video. I really liked the addiction periodic table and the visual connection between the brain and the rock formations.
Maybe we both spend a little too much time in our heads, but a life not examined isn't much of a life, is it?
So many hours in the day to think about stuff without the blankness of drinking.
This morning I woke up in anxiety because of a really weird dream. I had to do a bunch of calisthenics and recite prayers for five minutes and then it started to subside.
You post a lot of this stuff in (what is for me) early morning. That's my most anxious time.
This is all going to work out.
I liked that video. I really liked the addiction periodic table and the visual connection between the brain and the rock formations.
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lol yeah the periodic table was great really layed it all out and how he talked about how we trade substances for substances but end up back at our main poison of choice etc..
Well ultimately the problem is I get caught up in my thoughts trapped in my head i feel like a tiny person trapped in my head by all these horrible thoughts desperately trying to get out but I cant.
I feel better today to some degree but the panic nonsense is back been back since sunday i'm like ugg great now this. I'll run tho that helps
thats the thing wiht my running its just a "fix" but its a healthy one in my case. without it i'd prolly be in the funny farm or at the bar either way that wouldnt be good.
I got this interview tommorrow I just gotta put one foot in front of the other remain present go in there be myself they can take it or leave it wtf does it matter.
Well ultimately the problem is I get caught up in my thoughts trapped in my head i feel like a tiny person trapped in my head by all these horrible thoughts desperately trying to get out but I cant.
I feel better today to some degree but the panic nonsense is back been back since sunday i'm like ugg great now this. I'll run tho that helps
thats the thing wiht my running its just a "fix" but its a healthy one in my case. without it i'd prolly be in the funny farm or at the bar either way that wouldnt be good.
I got this interview tommorrow I just gotta put one foot in front of the other remain present go in there be myself they can take it or leave it wtf does it matter.
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