myheartbleeds4

Hi All, I have been reviewing this forum for awhile. I need some help. I fell in love, madly in love with a man who I met through a family friend. He is a few years older (I am 34 he is 41) he is divorced. Anyway, we dated two years, he got really bad and went into a 30 day treatment, got out. I encouraged him to go to AA and see a a therapist, he wouldn't do it. He ended up getting so drunk that he basically wouldn't let me leave the house and I had to call the cops. He was manic, and it was terrifying. Because you can't just "turn off" love, I kept in touch. He got so bad that he missed 7 weeks of work (lost a job that paid 180k a year) his house is in foreclosure and he just shuts out his family and me. He won't let anyone in...We tried to get in, i saw vodka bottles everywhere, house smelled from the outside like pee...Well this morning I asked the police department to do a "wellness check" the cop called me and said "good thing you had us come, he collapsed in the kitchen" he said he had not ate in two weeks, his face was swollen and his lip was busted and some of his teeth are broken. They counted over 50 bottles of Tido's vodka. This breaks my heart, I love this man to death. They took him to the hospital and he is still there. I don't know what to do, mentally being around him is messing me up, i am never going to recover from what he has done to me. I feel guilty because when I stopped talking to him it got worse. His family feels that they can't do anything anymore because he doesn't want help.I cant just give up, i don't want him to die. If an addict feels they don't need help, can the hospital do anything? (not his first time in ER) how can he be involuntarily committed o rehab? I think he needs a mental ward also...I am sorry its long, I just feel so broken. ANy advise is helpful. Thank you all.

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, myheartbleeds; I am so very sorry for what brings you here.

You may want to consider Alanon.

JJ991

Hi. Sorry to read what brings you here.
To be honest, I don't think there is anything that can be done unless he wants to get help. My husband had to deal with a similar situation with his dad, he tried to help but just ended up having to pick up the pieces all the time - sorry to be blunt but is that what you want to do, live such a life? I think you need to do what is best for you.
Others might have some better advice!
Please take care x

tomsteve

you cant recovery from what he has done to you yet love him to death?

Dropsie

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

There is a great friends and family forum with a lot of folks who can help from your side of the fence.

I think you can try to talk to him again -- you never know when someone will be willing to listen.

But sadly you can't fix him, and please don't let it destroy you.

Maudcat

Hi, myheartbleeds4.
Welcome to SR.
I hope you will continue here, as there is lots of support.
Unfortunately, it sounds as though your SO is headed down a path of his choosing.
My addicted sib went to the ER for an withdrawal related seizure, which then led to detox and lmoving to a sober house.
He stopped drinking for a while.
Perhaps you can contact his hospital caseworker with concerns, though as you are not married or a family member, he/she may not be able to give much information.
Good luck.

ChloeRose63

Time for you to get educated on alcoholism. Look for al-anon meetings near you. You can also ask for info about counceling if you are at the hospital. They will direct you to someone who councels families/friends of alcoholics.

Obladi

myheartbleeds4

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's heart-wrenching for sure. But as others have said, the plain and painful truth is that you can't save him. An active alcoholic will continually look for opportunities to drink because that's what the addiction does to us.

Please put yourself first. I think posting in the Friends and Family forum could help and definitely second (or third?) the suggestion to find AlAnon. It will help you to learn about this condition as well as how to care for yourself and create appropriate boundaries.

I've been in the "love him to death but he hurts me so" place and it's no place to be - it only keeps on hurting and that hurt can linger a long time without help.

I wish the best for you.

O

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation.

Do check out AlAnon in your city as a support for yourself.

MindfulMan

Sounds like a dual diagnosis, substance abuse and bipolar disorder.

One with which I'm quite familiar.

The two are synergistic, and not in a good way. Substance abuse precipitates mania and depression, which precipitates still more substances in an attempt to self-medicate. Mania, particularly full-blown and with lots of alcohol and/or cocaine on top of it, has three endings. Jail, hospitalization, or death.

Thank God he's in treatment.

If he is indeed suffering from bipolar disorder and a binge to end all binges, both diagnoses need to be addressed simultaneously to get him off that merry-go-round. Bipolar disorder is not solved with therapy, or AA, or an ashram, but it responds very well to medication. Compliance is just hard.

Not sure how much you want to try and help with this, he can easily pull you down with him if you allow it.

JeffreyAK

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, and your ex-boyfriend sounds like he's already gone where I might have gone myself if I had continued to drink. Sadly there is probably not much you can do for him, if anyone can help him turn himself around it'll probably be someone removed from his situation, who he can't blame for his problems. That's what I've seen and experienced.

Ken0331

There's not much anyone can do until the alcoholic is willing to admit to the problem and becomes willing to get help.

I'm sorry, it's probably not the answer you were hoping for. If the hospital thinks he's a threat or danger to himself or others, they can go thru the process for an involuntary commitment, but even that is no recipe for recovery.

Ken33xx

I'm not a shrink or therapist but my advise is you need to work on yourself. The questions/answers aren't with this man. He's got a serous drinking problem and that's his trip.

Think about working on yourself.

Forward12

Alanon and walk away from the situation. He sounds like an out of control alcoholic, but you also sound to have some serious codependency issues which also is an addiction.
Feel free to check out the family and friends section on this forum as well.

Gottalife

I'm in a different country so the rules may be different. I have an alcoholic friend with bi-polar. In his early days he hated having to take medication, and would stop. Then He would go high and get drunk. Whenever it happened it took months to stabilise him, and they would lock him up for treatment.

Had he been just an alcoholic like myself, it is still possible to get committed under the alcohol and drug addicition laws, but they usually won't keep an alcoholic who doesn't want to stop. Too much of a waste of resources.

The bi-polar, however, was a treatable condition and untreated my friend was a danger to himself, and everyone around him, So they locked him up which removed the alchol, then treated the bi-polar and when he was on an even keel, he was able to resume his recovery in AA. I am glad he did because he saved my life. He has been sober many years now, and his bi polar has been under control.

What I am suggesting is, that if Mindfulman is on the right track with his diagnosis, then approaching it from the bi-polar angle may be an easier path to getting him committed, and to getting him the treatment he obviously needs.

trachemys

1. Give up on saving him. You can't save an alcoholic.

2. Save yourself. Find a therapist. This is beyond ALANON.

zjw

i have a family member they where able to convince him to check into the phsych ward but it basicly took him having no where else to go to get him to go for it. and once he got out no one wanted him to live with them. it was horrible to watch as a case worker had to try and find a place to stay as we all basicly turned our backs. mainly becuase we just cant handle it in our homes his issue wasnt booze however but was mental illness. My mother ended up taking him in and I think while that was a crap place for him to go it was the best option in comparison to the others.

So i guess my point is maybe life will put enough pressure on him that he will be forced to get help or live on the street? It takes a tough stomach tho to sit there and watch this play out knowing our hands are tied.

trachemys

"So i guess my point is maybe life will put enough pressure on him that he will be forced to get help or live on the street?"

No. You're dealing with an extremely damaged person. It's hard to accept that. You can't help.

soberandhonest

Walk away and never look back. You CAN'T save him, only he can save himself. All that you can do is destroy your own life trying to do something that simply CANNOT be done. Turn. Walk. Away. It will hurt, but that pain will be a lot less than the alternative.