Snowydelrico

My partner was giving me a grilling yesterday over an alleged affair.
I have been faithful the whole time I’ve been with her.

My AV’s ears pricked up as I became increasingly hurt, frustrated & anxious as she was telling her side of the story.
I pleaded my innocence.
She doesn’t believe me.

We went on a what was supposed to be a nice day out on an Easter egg hunt with our almost 3 year old daughter. I saw a sign for some real ale and it appealed to my AV. I walked around hunting Easter eggs in a foggy brain haze. Trying my hardest to enjoy the now. I managed to lift myself and get some enjoyment.

I didn’t drink but I was tested slightly.
I knew I had to feel the emotions and somehow find a way to address them.

I woke up today still hurting.
Suppose its a big slight on a persons character being called a liar and a cheat.

Trying not to isolate myself and become lonely.

Feels like another wedge is being driven between me and my partner.

Not going to drink over it,

otter

I don't think I could give you any better advice.

Rar

Good for you not drinking. Today will be better. ((HUGS))

Berrybean

I think a lot of our partners take 2 and 2 and make 5. They find out eventualky that we have been less than honest about our drinking or ither things (usually connected to our drinking somehow), note how the emotional distance and unavailability has grown over time, and presume that another person was involved. Non-alcoholics just can't understand that we could be far more obsessive over and distracted by alcohol than someone might be about a partner in an affair.

It can take time to earn our loved ones trust back. TIME = Things I Must Earn.

BB

Snowydelrico

[QUOTE=Berrybean;6845355]I think a lot of our partners take 2 and 2 and make 5. They find out eventualky that we have been less than honest about our drinking or ither things (usually connected to our drinking somehow), note how the emotional distance and unavailability has grown over time, and presume that another person was involved. Non-alcoholics just can't understand that we could be far more obsessive over and distracted by alcohol than someone might be about a partner in an affair.

It can take time to earn our loved ones trust back. TIME = Things I Must Earn.
Thanks B.B.
any idea how long that piece of string is?
Had 13 months in the dog house already.
I did have an incling that it could be something to do with booze.
But didn’t know how.
Makes sense now to me. Not sure if she will see it the same.

ScottFromWI

I have found that it's taken years to regain the trust of my wife after all the lies I told and things I did during my drinking years. Our relationship has recovered quite significantly, but to be quite honest I don't think all of it can ever be fully just "erased" as if it never happened. It's one of the most difficult parts of recovery, but we have to take full responsibility for our actions and realize that they hurt other people - very significantly in some cases.

That of course does not mean all is lost, you can absolutely turn things around. But it takes time and pain and a slice of humble pie ;-) Several slices actually.

Berrybean

Nah.

We just have to keep doing the next right thing showing our love and commitment, and see what happens.

Would you both consider counselling? It could help you address and talk through some of the last hurts in an environment that it safe (ie won't get into screaming matches). Also would be good to talk about your hopes and fears for the future (both of you I mean) because chances are that you both want the same really. Just the fear of getting hurt can sometimes do more damage than we realise, as can carrying resentments into our future.

Are either of you working programs of recovery? AA and AlAnon are the ones that spring to mind, but there are others.

BB

golfreggie

As Berrybean pointed out, we just try to do the "next right thing". That phrase was hammered home in my AA group when I was brand new and for many, many years it was a topic of discussion. Lots of wisdom in those words, living by them is a life-long learning/doing process! Good luck with your relationship. All I can offer is I have seen very damaged marriages restored by rigorous honesty. Scary for sure. But mostly necessary for all human relationships. God Bless

daredevil

your self-awareness, recognition, and analysis of the situation is commendable Snowy.

JeffreyAK

This. We can't totally undo the past, at least that's what I've found over the past 7+ years. Trust can be hard to build and easy to lose, and even if we've moved on and forgotten what we did to lose trust (or were never fully aware in the first place), other folks may still look at us differently. I came to just accept it, things can't be like they were, they're different now and it's all part of a new life.

Dave42001

Thanks for sharing. You didn’t drink over it, Win! I hope things work out, keep working it.. wishing you the best!

Snowydelrico

Makes sense again B.B.
Not working any program.
Yesterday I went to my mums to get some space to work things out.
Doing this seems to have made my partner believe me.
Still, I may look in to councelling.
Thanks

P.s. the piece of string is twice half it’s length

Snowydelrico

I’ve accepted things arnt the same and never will be.
I’m glad they aren’t.
I’ve changed for the better.

I don’t think I can accept it if things stay like they are between us.
I can’t be that guy I used to be, the one she fell in love with like she wants.
Don’t know how I could be, I was under the influence and not me.

It feels like I have too woo a stranger that I don’t really want to be with.

Thank you for your reply.

Snowydelrico

Thanks, I think I keep doing the next right thing.
It’s hard to do it when my heart isn’t fully in it because I don’t trust the pathways she leads me down. I don’t believe they will serve me well.

Arpeggioh

I have no business chiming in here, as I've always been single. But that's a really valid point: while we make amends to those we've wronged, and wait and hope for their trust in us to be restored...there always remains the possibility that someone may misuse those efforts for their own purposes, without our best interests in mind.

As the saying goes: just because you're paranoid doesn't mean somebody's not truly out to get you!

Snowydelrico

She doesn’t believe me again!
Limbo land here I come again.

Berrybean

You know. Sometimes people are just afraid to get their hopes up. Afraid of being disappointed. Of being made to look foolish. Of being sucked into a lie and feeling like an idiot. And that fear makes them choose to just believe the worst, because if the worst has already happened then they don't have to live in fear of it.

This is what a lot of us have done to those we love. So,the time we thought we were clever, covering our tracks so we could drink as we chose, we were chipping away at the trust in our relationships. And in the end those people just doubt themselves and us and their grip on reality. For them to get over having their faith in our honesty destroyed really is like recovering from any other trauma. It's kinda logical. If we could lie so well and so easily about one thing, how can they trust anything we say.

Likelihood is she's gonna need months to heal, if not longer. Not days. There's little you can do about that other than give her the time and space she needs and keep your side of the street clean from now on. I'd suggest using that time and space to work on your own recovery, and just keep praying for your marriage.

BB

Snowydelrico

Time is what I will give.

Just feel I’m not being allowed to go out and play in my new found play ground.
I can see it there, full of fun and joy but the gate has been locked by my past self/my partners insecurities

Maybe I’m being selfish.

Berrybean

Well. Selfish or not, you have a choice.

You can own your responsibility for your part in this situation and accept it.

Or you can get self-pitying about it, which is likely to lead to a resentment which will hurt you far more than acceptance will do.

It's also worth adjusting your expectations. Chances are early sobriety isn't going to be much of a playground. If we want joyous recovery then we tend to have to put some work in first. What does your plan for recovery look like?

BB

Snowydelrico

I’ll have to grow with it.
I can accept it now but it doesn’t mean I like it.
Maybe I will in time.

I keep hearing the saying in my head.
A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.
Probably just pride fking with me.
Resentment is dangerous I know.

Thanks B.B.