EddThomass

I feel as though I have two parts of my personality, one who is kind and able to put others first, think reasonably and responsibly about what I have to and should do. The other is lazy and full of impulsive thoughts like "I could go try make some honest money or I could steal from my house and buy drugs or alchohol" basically everything bad I could imagine and how easy it is to feel good whilst disregarding other people's emotions/possessions.

Now I find myself able to control my actions throughout everyday and even though I sometimes feel uncontrollable anxiety that causes my tongue to curl up in my mouth and my throats to feel like sande paper through which my voice can't pass, I can still laugh with good friends and feel comfortable in some day to day situations. There is sometimes that I feel the amount of anxiety I feel isn't fair and my bad personality is pushed to the front of my mind, I start to not care about others and it's the that I decide to turn to alchohol or weed.

Now with weed im not a bad oerson I just know that it impacts me feeling at ease and I can't act or do things I normally would. Ive not smoked much recently and I can feel myself beginning to see the down sides of it more and more which is keeping me less anxious.

But with alchohol it inhibits further the good part of my brain, and I act more deeply out of impulsive unfiltered thoughts. In the past Ive been caught trying o steal stupid things from parties and I also get to a point where I'll ask people straight up if they want to have sex or something. I even have been told that Ive ben ready to jump off stupidly high things or been very ready to get hurt for no reason.

Day to day I do sometimes Fanta size sexually about things and Ive nevered acted upon it unless Ive ben with a girl, thankfully when I'm blackout drunk I'm not forcive to any degree I'm just unable to feel shame or embarrassment but the next day I met feel terrible.

Much like other things stealing has become a big problem in my life, when I'm sober I'm happy to stay in and find something creative to do or just relax. So I wonder why when I'm drunk I feel the need to take things I would usually have no desire for. It also impacts my relationships with people for example I know feel very self conscious about what I do or say when meeting new people or friends of friends because it feels as though they can see and feel something terrible in me. This could sound stupid but I used to play a lot of Skyrim and I always enjoyed the levels where you were sent to steal or sneak and from the times Ive been drunk and remembered stealing its felt to me much like I was in a video game without any consequences.

Im not a bad person and being sober right now I can confidentally say and believe it, there's probably some repressed feelings I have because my father was always very emotionally distant so I spent a lot of time with my mum instead. I plan on getting help and really need some motivation to get it but I just wanted to see what people think of me.

I won't feel judged about any bad opinions on me I know I'm a bad person for what I do when I'm drunk, I'm also very confused and uncomfortable. I feel silence is better than conflict and that's a view I don't feel a lot of others have.

Berrybean

Addiction - active addiction I mean - is a theif. And one of the most valuable things it steals is our integrity. The shame and hopelessness and confusion this then brings can make us a slave to that same addiction, and so the cycle can continue.

We CAN choose to break out of that vortex though, with sobriety and recovery. Gradually, as we stay sober for longer that addict voice gets softer and less frequent and we can get back in touch with our integrity and be the person we want to be.

There IS hope.

BB

paulokes

Booze made me ashamed of who I was. Or who I was afraid I was.

I sobered up and I like me now
P

Gottalife

Yup in a nutshell. The trouble for me was all those past deeds and my general poor attitude combined to put me in a position where the only way I could feel half decent, was with a few drinks. And a few turned into many, and trouble came my way yet again.

To break that cycle I needed a complete change of personality, such that I didn't behave or feel that way any longer. I need to aspire to new values and interests. I found a way to do that, and the drinking was no longer needed. I got sober almost as a side effect of my life being changed.

Dave42001

Very powerful, Becky! Thanks for sharing!! Home run!!