Solitude
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 1,121
Solitude
Sharing a few random babblings from my journal, which is also a new endeavor for me.
Solitude has always been my go-to. Walking through the woods as a kid to my lonely place at the bottom of a steep hill beside the highway. Close enough to hear the activity above, but positioned where no one could see me. A boy on the outside, looking in on life going by. Too afraid to join. Not good enough. Different.
Inevitable really that I found find alcohol. Not only because my dad owned a bar, because he was an alcoholic, or the crazy environment that comes with living next door to a bar. But because it was the ultimate 'solitude-maker'. Didn't have to go anywhere to be alone. Enough beer and the numbness created the same result. Made interaction tolerable, almost made me fit in. Only it didn't. Just gave me another way to be different. Drink more than everyone else. To the point of not being able to socialize and retreat to wherever I could pass out. Alone. Classic alcoholic story. Any expert on the subject could see where this would lead to. Just another scarred soul onto the trash heap of alcoholism.
Yet, there has always remained a little flicker of light somewhere inside me. Something that tells me that I'm better than this. That I'm actually special, and have some value. Of course, that flicker is dimmest during my long stretches on beer auto-pilot. When I'm stuck in the rut of drinking, passing out, waking up feeling like hell, vowing to stop, only to rinse and repeat again. The flicker is almost non-existent during those stretches, but not completely out.
I've never been able to figure out how to turn the flicker into a flame. A sustained flame of doing, achieving, being. I know for 100% certainty that it's not possible while I'm drinking. It may be possible when I'm not, but I need to put time and effort into figuring it out. I think this is where support groups come in. Community. I think that the lucky ones who have figured out how to sustain success have done so with the help of others. Not alone.
Best wishes on this beautiful Saturday from Missouri, USA. Stay strong my friends.
Solitude has always been my go-to. Walking through the woods as a kid to my lonely place at the bottom of a steep hill beside the highway. Close enough to hear the activity above, but positioned where no one could see me. A boy on the outside, looking in on life going by. Too afraid to join. Not good enough. Different.
Inevitable really that I found find alcohol. Not only because my dad owned a bar, because he was an alcoholic, or the crazy environment that comes with living next door to a bar. But because it was the ultimate 'solitude-maker'. Didn't have to go anywhere to be alone. Enough beer and the numbness created the same result. Made interaction tolerable, almost made me fit in. Only it didn't. Just gave me another way to be different. Drink more than everyone else. To the point of not being able to socialize and retreat to wherever I could pass out. Alone. Classic alcoholic story. Any expert on the subject could see where this would lead to. Just another scarred soul onto the trash heap of alcoholism.
Yet, there has always remained a little flicker of light somewhere inside me. Something that tells me that I'm better than this. That I'm actually special, and have some value. Of course, that flicker is dimmest during my long stretches on beer auto-pilot. When I'm stuck in the rut of drinking, passing out, waking up feeling like hell, vowing to stop, only to rinse and repeat again. The flicker is almost non-existent during those stretches, but not completely out.
I've never been able to figure out how to turn the flicker into a flame. A sustained flame of doing, achieving, being. I know for 100% certainty that it's not possible while I'm drinking. It may be possible when I'm not, but I need to put time and effort into figuring it out. I think this is where support groups come in. Community. I think that the lucky ones who have figured out how to sustain success have done so with the help of others. Not alone.
Best wishes on this beautiful Saturday from Missouri, USA. Stay strong my friends.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
I've found that hope is always better than no hope. With sobriety I always have hope for my life regardless of what's happening. When drinking there was no hope, just the numbness, and when the alcohol wore off I faced terror, bewilderment, frustration and despair (the 4 horsemen mentioned in the BB). Which led to me drinking pretty much 24/7, because in my mind numbness was a better alternative to the 4 horsemen.
In sobriety I have found that the flame comes and goes, but the pilot light (flicker) always remains on. In other words I have good days and bad days, but I've stayed sober long enough to know that the good days outweigh the bad and are infinitely better than facing the 4 horsemen again.
In sobriety I have found that the flame comes and goes, but the pilot light (flicker) always remains on. In other words I have good days and bad days, but I've stayed sober long enough to know that the good days outweigh the bad and are infinitely better than facing the 4 horsemen again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Alcoholics isolate, it's a very common trait. Even after 26 years of recovery my inclination is to isolate, it simply feels natural. So, to counter it I make plans ... go to a meeting, meet friends and family. Me just alone with my thoughts is counter-productive
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