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when you can't relate to a speaker's qualification?



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when you can't relate to a speaker's qualification?

Old 03-20-2018, 01:45 PM
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when you can't relate to a speaker's qualification?

I couldn’t relate to the speaker’s story at last night’s meeting, and I got the sense that neither could most others. It was an AA meeting, but the speaker was a former methamphetamine addict/alcoholic. When the round robin proceeded, and my turn came, I simply thanked the gentleman for his time, and passed.


I don’t find this uncommon though, just wondering whether I should engage in the niceties of relating (when there’s nothing I can latch on to) or whether it’s acceptable to simply thank the speaker and delve in to my share.
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Old 03-20-2018, 06:09 PM
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If you genuinely can't relate, then I wouldn't make something up just to be polite. Thanking a speaker for their share would seem the appropriate thing in that case, IMHO.
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Old 03-20-2018, 06:47 PM
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That's exactly why AA works with one alcoholic helping another. It is critical to relate to the person offering the advice or you won't listen to them because you won't believe they can help you if you don't think they understand what you are going through. This is the singleness or purpose you might hear of. Clancy I. has a fantastic talk about this.

There are lots of people who drank and did drugs but while speaking at an AA meeting you are supposed to speak about your drinking and not drug use. Most will mention that they did drugs but then quickly move on. If you want to talk about your drug use than you would be more productive speaking at an NA meeting.

I always say that I can't relate to someone shooting up heroin in an alley but I can sure relate to the guy who comes home form work and then goes out in his garage to drink as much and as fast as he can because he wants to escape his life for the rest of the night just to get up and do it all again the next day.
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Old 03-20-2018, 07:11 PM
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I think sometimes it's best to just listen than say anything at all.
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Old 03-20-2018, 08:02 PM
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At 2 yrs and with a lot of meetings on my roster right now my sweet spot is 4-5 a week, did 90 in 90, etc) and I can absolutely say that there have been plenty of speakers who somehow "turned me off."

My technique is to focus on finding ONE thing I can relate to about the person and his story. There simply has to be one - even if it is just that we are both in recovery.

Not sure how many or what types of meetings you have been to - your join date for SR is Feb, so perhaps not that many??

As the AA saying goes- "keep coming back" - and my favorite "Wait for the miracle". Lots more people "make sense" to me as time has gone by.
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Old 03-20-2018, 10:05 PM
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I've listened to many speeches. Some when I think to myself "Damn, they are telling my story word for word" With others "What the hell are they talking about?"
As the famous saying goes "Take what you need, and leave the rest".
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Old 03-21-2018, 03:23 AM
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There are plenty of times I can't relate to stories about hard drugs, or living on the streets, etc. Those are things I didn't directly experience.

But I can almost ALWAYS relate to the underlying emotions involved, i.e. desperation, shame, guilt, hopelessness, etc.

That's what I get from hearing others speak - it's not necessarily the fine details, but what's lying underneath.
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Old 03-21-2018, 05:04 AM
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Shortstop -- Love this "“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”

I don't do AA, but I can always find something to relate to with other addictive behaviour.
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Old 03-21-2018, 06:56 AM
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its about the similarities and not the differences i have heard said
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Old 03-21-2018, 06:58 AM
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Those who understand the common problem will latch onto the common solution. And the common problem is not the stories. In fact they are often the things that seperate us. Looking for the similarities in that sense can be difficult indeed. The similarities are not in what we did. They are in how alcohol affected us. We react differently to other folk. There are some similarities that we ought to be able to pick out of any alcoholic story.

The phenomenon of craving, the loss of control after the fatal first drink.

The obsession f the mind that dooms us to repeat the failed experiment of the fatal first drink. The inability to stay stopped.

The spiritual malady, our difficulty in living sober.

Or another view I heard. What happens to me when I drink, combined with what happens to me when I don't drink.
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Old 03-21-2018, 07:02 AM
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what would you want others to do when they cant relate to what you say?

i can pick out one person at a meeting i have seen and heard at meetings often.
i relate to what he said today, but last week i didnt relate to a word he said.
im not going to relate to everything everyone says and im also going to find people i dont relate to at all. i dont have to relate to anything a person shares either. no obligation there.
and thank em anyways for their share
theres going to be things i say that people wont relate to,also.
it is what it is.
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Old 03-21-2018, 06:57 PM
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When sharing at a meeting there is no rule that you have to "relate" to the speaker you are responding to. You can reflect on the recovery issues they raise or share your experience of of whatever steps, literature, etc. they discussed.

Sometimes overthinking can paralyze us.
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Old 03-22-2018, 05:36 AM
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Sometimes I cannot either. I can usually relate to how the person feels though - even if I cannot relate to the physical aspects of the story. I can always relate to another addict/alcoholic. Just say "Thank you for your share, I am going to respectfully listen tonight."
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