New boyfriend is an alcoholic?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 9
New boyfriend is an alcoholic?
Just typing this out makes me so sad. I've been dating this guy for just over 3 months and I think I am coming to the realization that he might be an alcoholic. When we first met he told me that he was not a drinker and I really didn't question it, I just kind of assumed he might live a healthier lifestyle. He did not elaborate on why he doesn't drink and I didn't question it. As I slowly got to know him he opened up a bit and admitted to me that he doesn't drink because he turns into a person he doesn't like. Again I didn't really read too much into this I just thought that was a mature way to handle drinking because goodness knows sometimes we all act stupid when we drink. This past weekend I took him to a function that was really important to me. He showed up at the event obviously impaired. I was completely shocked by his condition and didn't even know what to say. As the event wore on he became mouthy with people, he was picking fights with complete strangers and just acting belligerent. This led to us being escorted out of the event. I felt like the whole evening I was trying to put out fires with him and I was completely turned off and mortified. It is such a contrast to the person I've been dating. I have felt sick ever since this has happened and I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. We haven't discussed this at all. When the event ended I went home with him and we just went to bed like nothing had happened. He was rambling about how everyone else was stupid and I just kind of agreed with him. The next morning I left early. I really just don't know what to do at this point. Do I break up with him? I'm so confused and I'm just heartbroken over all of this. I know I should walk away but for some reason I find this so difficult. Everything else about him I absolutely adore I really thought I had met someone I could spend my life with. Any insight is appreciated.
I also want to add that some of the stories he's told me about his drinking in the past have been really ridiculous. He has spent time in the drunk tank he has gotten into fights. I even have reason to believe he may have lost his license for a period of time due to a DUI. My goodness what have I gotten myself into?? :*(
I also want to add that some of the stories he's told me about his drinking in the past have been really ridiculous. He has spent time in the drunk tank he has gotten into fights. I even have reason to believe he may have lost his license for a period of time due to a DUI. My goodness what have I gotten myself into?? :*(
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Stockport/Greater Manchester/Cheshire
Posts: 911
Oh dear me six,
I was a lovely person to my previous girlfriend but the drinking carried on and things got worse ( it’s a progressive desise) we argued lots towards the end she dumped me after 10 years.
My now partner i almost repeated history with, took 7 years for things to break down.
I got sober and managed to save my family.
3 for you months and the red flags are going up.
It sounds like he does have a big problem with drink.
It’s already put a strain on your relationship.
Don’t set a president by letting things slide.
Little by little alcohol takes everything.
You may have to leave him or end up miserable and aiding him.
Sorry for your situation.
If I was you knowing what I know I would run and never look back.
Best wishes
I was a lovely person to my previous girlfriend but the drinking carried on and things got worse ( it’s a progressive desise) we argued lots towards the end she dumped me after 10 years.
My now partner i almost repeated history with, took 7 years for things to break down.
I got sober and managed to save my family.
3 for you months and the red flags are going up.
It sounds like he does have a big problem with drink.
It’s already put a strain on your relationship.
Don’t set a president by letting things slide.
Little by little alcohol takes everything.
You may have to leave him or end up miserable and aiding him.
Sorry for your situation.
If I was you knowing what I know I would run and never look back.
Best wishes
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
I'm so sorry 6six 
I echo what Snowy says.
You can't help him, change him or save him. And you are best to cut ties before you get too embroiled when there are some pretty obvious red flags.
Ultimately it's up to you, but trust your intuition, your head, over your heart.
Over time it will just deteriorate. You should take care and guard your own heart from that. You deserve better. It's not easy loving someone who has a drinking problem.
It gets said a lot, if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck... you know the rest.
The Friends and Family forums can also offer you a lot of good insight and support.
I wish you all the best sweetie. I know I too, put my two long term partners through hell due in part to my alcoholism.
It's a difficult place even for me to be in. I wouldn't want to date myself. If that gives you some perspective.
I echo what Snowy says.
You can't help him, change him or save him. And you are best to cut ties before you get too embroiled when there are some pretty obvious red flags.
Ultimately it's up to you, but trust your intuition, your head, over your heart.
Over time it will just deteriorate. You should take care and guard your own heart from that. You deserve better. It's not easy loving someone who has a drinking problem.
It gets said a lot, if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck... you know the rest.
The Friends and Family forums can also offer you a lot of good insight and support.
I wish you all the best sweetie. I know I too, put my two long term partners through hell due in part to my alcoholism.
It's a difficult place even for me to be in. I wouldn't want to date myself. If that gives you some perspective.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sorry you've had to experience this.
Sounds like he knows enough about his problem to want to stop, but not enough to seek help and work a recovery program that would mean his sobriety can be comfortable, sustainable and eventually preferable to drinking. When we white-knuckle sobriety we can all to easily relapse. It might even be that it was because the event was so important to you that his addiction told him he needed a drink to be confident and outgoing. (Honestly, that belligerence and aggression, I'm fairly sure is what outsiders would have seen in drunk me when I thought I was being outgoing and confident. Ouch!).
He's unlikely to bring this up if you don't. Especially if you are in any way hoping for an apology. I relied a lot on the fact that people never seemed to want the fuss or argument, and when noone mentioned the elephant in the room, I would just convince myself that maybe I wasn't 'that bad' after all, even though I might have woken up in complete horror at what of my behaviour I could remember, and terror of facing the consequences. If you want to talk about the other night (which I think you should) then you'll need to be the one to initiate that conversation. He may well just clam up and act moody (as an adolescent might - it's the same level of emotional intelligence I'm afraid).
What do you want to do now you understand the nature of his problems?
If you decide you want to stay with him I'd seriously suggest getting some support so you can keep very clear and healthy boundaries in this relationship. Al-anon would be a good place to start.
BB
Sounds like he knows enough about his problem to want to stop, but not enough to seek help and work a recovery program that would mean his sobriety can be comfortable, sustainable and eventually preferable to drinking. When we white-knuckle sobriety we can all to easily relapse. It might even be that it was because the event was so important to you that his addiction told him he needed a drink to be confident and outgoing. (Honestly, that belligerence and aggression, I'm fairly sure is what outsiders would have seen in drunk me when I thought I was being outgoing and confident. Ouch!).
He's unlikely to bring this up if you don't. Especially if you are in any way hoping for an apology. I relied a lot on the fact that people never seemed to want the fuss or argument, and when noone mentioned the elephant in the room, I would just convince myself that maybe I wasn't 'that bad' after all, even though I might have woken up in complete horror at what of my behaviour I could remember, and terror of facing the consequences. If you want to talk about the other night (which I think you should) then you'll need to be the one to initiate that conversation. He may well just clam up and act moody (as an adolescent might - it's the same level of emotional intelligence I'm afraid).
What do you want to do now you understand the nature of his problems?
If you decide you want to stay with him I'd seriously suggest getting some support so you can keep very clear and healthy boundaries in this relationship. Al-anon would be a good place to start.
BB
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 765
Only 3 months into this relationship i would cut and run now. Yes. The alcohol is a problem but also the worry is what happens when he drinks and your sentence "putting out fires". Even he doesnt like the person he becomes when he drinks and yet he contiues to do it!
You deserve better than that and god forbid one day he turns that anger onto you or exposes any potential children you may have to it.
Plenty of nice guys out there. Go and enjoy your life.
You deserve better than that and god forbid one day he turns that anger onto you or exposes any potential children you may have to it.
Plenty of nice guys out there. Go and enjoy your life.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Figure that the first three months of dating his behavior won't be getting any better. In fact, it will continue to decline. Great advice here - run!
Biggest clue: he blew it at your event. That is a relationship felony in my opinion.
Biggest clue: he blew it at your event. That is a relationship felony in my opinion.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 765
There was a very wise HR woman at my old job. She said when someone new starts they send in their representative for three months and then the real person shows up for work. I think you have that situation here.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: PRINCETON, TX
Posts: 113
I echo the sentiments of others that we feel for you. I have a question of you. Do you drink at all? If you do, do you ever drink to excess? If you don't drink at all perhaps any future "dates" you may consider going on could be proceeded with a question about his drinking habits. Find out if he drinks at all. Also, I do not know if you are in recovery yourself. If you are, to my mind it would be imperative that any romantic encounters you have would be with either someone who has always been a non-drinker/drugger or has substantial time as a recovering alcoholic/drug addict, at least one full year and preferably more. Only you can decide. If you drink, I don't have much to offer you from my experience. Just my 2 cents, and best wishes on this issue for you!
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 9
Thanks everyone! I definitely have a lot to think about. I'm so conflicted but I definitely think I know what needs to happen. As tough as it is I definitely think it is better to cut my losses and move on. Such a shame.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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Sorry for the slow response. I have definitely questioned my own drinking in the past (hence being on this forum) The relationship is over. It was tough but needed to happen. The embarrassment I felt at my school benefit was too much to bear. I truly hope he finds inner peace.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 25
6six, I am sorry you had to experience this, but you undoubtedly made the right decision. I dated my XABF for 9 months and didn't realize he was an alcoholic until he told me (the perils of a long distance relationship...so much opportunity for a secret life). When he told me, he had already started going to AA and needed to take a "break" from the relationship to focus on sobriety. So, the breakup happened anyway, and he initiated it. Your XABF may eventually get to that point as well, which would be great, but then your heartbreak would be even worse.
While I am glad that my ex chose sobriety over our relationship, it still hurt like hell because by then I had fallen in love with him. So, be proud of yourself for being aware of the signs and not waiting for his behavior to get worse. In retrospect I can see that the signs were there; they became more and more obvious as his alcoholism progressed.
Wishing you the best...
While I am glad that my ex chose sobriety over our relationship, it still hurt like hell because by then I had fallen in love with him. So, be proud of yourself for being aware of the signs and not waiting for his behavior to get worse. In retrospect I can see that the signs were there; they became more and more obvious as his alcoholism progressed.
Wishing you the best...
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
6six - Since I did not recognize you as a regular SR poster I looked up your old posts. Wow what karma. Per your very first post in 2016 your BF broke up with you for your drinking and now the shoe is on the other foot so to speak. I am sorry you are in this situation but you know what to do. I wish you the best.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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Yes it's definitely an eerie coincidence. I ended up dating that man for almost 18 months (he forgave the drunken mess) That incident inspired me to quit drinking altogether as I recognized I had lost control with it.
I have forgiven my recent ex for his behavior but we are still apart and it's best this way. I met him for coffee last week and he looks good. We both agree that a relationship is not in the future for us.
I have forgiven my recent ex for his behavior but we are still apart and it's best this way. I met him for coffee last week and he looks good. We both agree that a relationship is not in the future for us.
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