Sohard

I'm with my uncle. I made myself a tonic water but pretended I poured in vodka. He's 87 and would've been sad/confused not to see me drinking. My CRAZY mind has now convinced myself I DID pour in the vodka, when I know I didn't, so i keep thinking I might as well drink wine with dinner and after dinner and start new tomorrow (I'm on day 96). I'm not sure why my mind works like this, but I'm scared.

lessgravity

96 days is terrific. Why don't you just tell your uncle you have something to do in the morning that you don't want to drink for?

doggonecarl

That's how the addicted mind works. Nothing to be scared of. They are just thoughts.

I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't be concerned about your uncle's feelings. But the charade of drinking, as you are finding out, if fraught with dangers. Pour the tonic out, get a soda pop.

Obladi

SoDear,

You're 4 days from the big 100. It's that a magic triggery number? Just stay sober today. Repeat tomorrow and so on. Good for you reaching out!

JJ991

Don't listen to those thoughts, they are lying, trying to fool you. Of course you didn't drink the booze, keep telling your mind that.
Stick with it, you're doing so, so well!

ScottFromWI

Yep, your addiction will plays these tricks, but you know the facts. You didn’t drink and you don’t need to tomorrow either.

Another trick your mind is telling you is that your uncle would be sad or confused to see you “not drinking”. My guess is he is just happy to see you there and wouldn’t care one way or the other what you are drinking.

Anna

I agree that you think your uncle cares so much about you not drinking alcohol, but he probably doesn't.

And, this is one of the reasons that I am so against making up stories/lies about why we are drinking or not. It messes with the mind. The first time I went out I lied about why I wasn't drinking and I realized that the lie caused emotional damage to me. It was the last time I did that.

Mac4711

Like carl said above, your drinking thoughts are just that - thoughts. Don’t throw it all away over a triviality! Worst case, tell him you’ve got an upset stomach and you don’t feel like drinking anymore.

Sohard

It's not even about my uncle anymore. It's about my crazy head saying just do it.

Maudcat

It’s a craving, SoHard, and cravings pass.
Breathe, do some stretching maybe have something to eat?
Hang in there.

least

Don't throw away your sober time, only to wake up full of regret and guilt. Don't listen to those thoughts. You've got to push thru. The more you power thru the urges, the stronger you get and the weaker the addiction gets.

bradly22

How odd.

MacLyn

Think it through to the end.

Tomorrow morning you will either feel like crap and hate on yourself for doing it, or you will be proud of yourself for overcoming yet another bad craving.

Sohard

Thank you for your support. I didn't drink, but I did learn a big lesson. One of you stated "the charade of drinking, as you are finding out, is fraught with dangers". This is sure true. I should have known better, I really should have. While I am at 97 days now, during a previous quit (months and months ago) fake drinking (supposedly having glass of wine) with my mom had thrown me off and made me start drinking. So, I've got to stop trying to hide this. It clearly doesn't work.

I'm trying to think about what in the heck happened last night. This is what I've determined. I went to visit my uncle with NO intention of drinking or even worries about it at all. None! But, once I got there and poured myself a tonic, I was just overwhelmed with all these triggers/cues telling me JUST DRINK. I know my uncle has a drinking problem, so I've literally never spent time with him and not had a drink. Ever. With all those triggers/cues, I was literally looking for ANY reason to drink, any at all. And I thought I'd stumbled across one with the "well, you MIGHT have accidentally poured vodka in your drink, so you might as well go ahead and drink....". THANK GOD and thank you that I didn't.

But, it was way to close for my comfort. I literally CRIED I wanted a drink so badly. I went outside and cried. Nuts! That is a first this late in the game (although I recognize 97 days isn't "late", but it's all relative). For some reason, I felt as weak as if I was on day 1, not day 96. It was a real wake-up call that I am still in danger of relapse and need to be much more vigilant (I didn't work out yesterday...I need to make sure I do that regularly because it helps keep me sober).

As we progressed to dinner and my cravings intensified, I took a breather outside and tried to think it through scientifically. I told myself that this was clearly not a physical withdrawal I was experiencing, there was no reason I should feel I NEED alcohol, even if I had put vodka in my earlier drink (which I obviously hadn't). So, I told myself, this was just just a feeling, a craving. And, if I was to have SUCH a strong craving at day 96, when alcohol hadn't even touched my lips, then clearly I'm an alcoholic. Non alcoholics wouldn't feel this way. And if clearly I'm an alcoholic, then clearly I shouldn't believe my screwy brain which was telling me to drink. I also thought about 'fine, if you want, drink tomorrow, but just not tonight.' That allowed me to put the problem metaphorically aside for a night until now, when I'm obviously stronger. I do still feel really thrown, though. It's like a craving I hadn't had in forever was reignited in my brain and it's going to take a bit to fully go away. It is scary powerful stuff.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. I'm just trying to figure it out. Thanks for your support.

Dee74

I'm glad you didn't drink but it sounded like it might go either way there for a bit?

Maybe don't visit your uncle for a while, Or at least not alone - just until you develop some stronger sober muscles?

D

JJ991

Glad you made it through. Sounds like you need to be prepared, think about where you are going/who you are visiting before you do and plan ahead even if you don't believe you will be triggered?
It's a personal thing, but I tell people I no longer drink. When they ask why I just say it was becoming too much of a habit, better to quit - I say it in a light hearted way which usually works. I've only had one person joke, " oh, potential alcoholic on our hands"...! It is so much easier when people know you don't drink, it kind of takes it out of the equation if that makes sense?

I'm almost at 6 months sober now and still sometimes a situation will surprise me and make me think of drinking but they are few and far between.

I'm guessing here, but maybe coming up to 100 days is a trigger in a way? Realisation that this no drinking lark is a long term thing?

Anyway, I'm going on a bit! Glad you made it, keep with it.

lessgravity

Really nice work. Tough night.

How did your Uncle respond? Were your fears re: disappointing him confirmed?

Sohard

Wow. I hadn't thought of that, but yes - maybe the 100 day thing was a trigger in a way. I'll have to consider that bc it's certainly possible. I do still have a hard time believing this is for real. Honestly, I just never thought I'd succeed. But I don't want that to be a self fulfilling prophecy.

I'm a teacher in the cold north east, and we have spring break now. So, I'm currently sitting outside getting some much needed sun in Georgia, of all places. It's just damn near impossible to think I'll make it throughout the trip (8 days) not drinking, although I believe I will. It just seems surreal. I just have a feeling other people are more stable at the 97 mark than I am, which I don't like. Anyway, so along with your 100 day thought, perhaps I was trying to ruin things yesterday so they would be conveniently ruined for the vacation. I don't know. I'm obviously a work in progress! Thanks for your support!

RecklessEric

Sohard, I once went into a pub to pee. It was before 11am. There were a few old guys drinking nice looking pints of Guinness. I used the bathroom and left. No biggie.

Crazy thing, the next time I was in that area- possibly 6 months later, my addict mind began playing tricks- "You could go in for one. It's cold- there's a fire in there". Really serious cravings.

Our minds do weird gymnastics and we have to learn to recognise it.

I'm really glad you didn't drink.

biminiblue

I had cravings/urges to drink for the first 5-6 months. Fewer and further between, but they happened.

I had to just say to myself, "Yeah. A drink. Ha. I don't drink." Then they went away. Trying to argue with it is futile, I just had to have a comeback and that was always, "Hm. A drinking thought. I don't drink."

I don't drink.

Any thoughts to the contrary are just my addiction tickling me. I don't like tickling and I don't engage with ticklers. Sometimes I said, out loud, "Stop!" that worked too.