steve-in-kville

I'm not a therapist or anything but I got to thinking about what causes so many folks to go for days/weeks/months sober and then relapse. I can't speak for others but sometimes I wondered if I simply didn't want to be alone in my own head? Almost like I wanted to escape my own thoughts and emotions and disconnect from the real world around me.

I remember that Saturday evenings were especially rough. I spend so many years blacked out by 4pm on a Saturday. When I got sober I had to put a plan in place to avoid that pitfall. I simply didn't know how to unwind after a long week! Just drink and fade away was how I coped. Sickening, if we stop and think about it.

Just some random thoughts for the day.

lessgravity

Steve - it is sickening. I can relate. Did you see my post about the most current DSM diagnosis on alcohol abuse disorder? Pretty stirring to see my issues in black and white like that.

Reading your post gave me a chill this morning. I read "...blacked out by 4pm on a Saturday." and nodded nonchalantly. Then I thought to myself, holy mother of hell - the fact that I so causally could relate to not being conscious mid-afternoon, so wasted I couldn't be counted on to do anything of value for myself or my family (barely able to get my shoes off before passing out on the couch), that feeling of relating to being at that place in life - man it kind of disturbed me.

We need to be better than that.

Thank you for posting.

No one is coming to save me.

ScottFromWI

I definitely tried using alcohol as an "escape" from actually facing life on it's own terms. Problem is, life is still going on and passing us by while we are drunk. So in a sense it's breaking IN to prison instead of breaking out.

zjw

a big part of it for me was that escape. its almost like suicide without having to kill yourself quickly anyhow. I'd just get antsy when left alone to my own thoughts didnt really like it and just wanted to shut it off.

I still dont like it to be honest but I cope with it better these days and just find other ways to relieve my mind.

there where times i'd ponder quiting and it was like why tho? who cares so i just kept on drinking. It might have been easier to quit at those times then I realized. It just didnt seem beneficial to quit.

fast forward to now in my current predicament (out of work) its like yeah i could drink but geeze that would just be the icing on this crap cake i got going on. why would i wanna make matters worse? tho theres that insane AV of mine thats hard at work trying to answer that question logically.

NYCDoglvr

What alcoholics call stress, non-alcoholics call life.

Delizadee

ahh, great sentiments.

I think I was always afraid of dealing with real life. Eventually alcohol made life fun, until my dependence on alcohol overshot my tolerance for life.

I didn't often get blackout drunk near the end. It took me basically poisoning myself with alcohol to put me out and wind me in the ICU on life support. I had a BAC of 0.482 (or .428. it's a little hazy- but really, I should have been dead. )
Up until I dropped unconscious on the ground I was walking around ranting and raving mad at my partner but coherent enough, I think he thought I was just drunk.

I had a very 'meh' reaction to it, I don't remember being shocked at my toxicology results but being p*ssed at the doctor who patronizingly said, "so you tried to kill yourself?" I was really mad that I woke up. With a couple tubes down my throat, one to breathe, one to pump my stomach full of charcoal.

It still doesn't feel all that shocking to me. I have had moments when I've been horrified at how truly bad I got - that was just one of those grenades I throw on my life moments that I had more than a handful of at that point. I liked the hospital better than home. I was safe, I was cared for, I was away from the world.

When I went home I never knew how to cope. No matter how hard I tried to kill myself with alcohol and stood at the brink of death, I kept going back. I never learned how to deal with life. It was a good excuse to just not live and drink.
Life just keeps on happening though. Eventually, those of us who are persistent enough find that we ARE strong enough to get through the stress, the boredom, the loneliness, the pain that are all part and parcel of life.
We can cope if we choose. We may have to duck our heads against the storm and walk forward through it for awhile. But the storms will pass. And walking forward will make us stronger and teach us new lessons.
Thanks for making me think. I need to remember these things.

zjw

thats a really good point. Over the years I've said many times that I suffer from a very serious condition called life.

that whole "thats just life" concept did NOT wanna sink in well with me when i drank or when i first got sober. Even now i squirm at times when faced with some tough stuff. rather then suffer through it or PUSH through it or GET through it. I always just drank through it. Never really did me any good.

Forward12

It is very common for people to drink excessively from not learning basic skills on how to handle life as it comes, rather they just throw the blanket of alcohol over their heads to run and ride.

Rar

Just drink and fade away was how I coped. - Yup, this was me.

SoberCAH

I agree.

And now, through God and AA (which i regard as an instrument of God), i am a daily active participant in life.

This should be one of the Promises.

I am no longer impaired - i am repaired.

shortstop81

I relate to a lot of the sentiments in these posts. I've relapsed more times over the years than I can count. I thought I was managing my life ok, I had these distinct moments where I wanted to take a break and "disconnect" for a little while. But quite predictably, the ensuing mess wouldn't be worth whatever temporary reprieve I'd had. Yet I'd do it all over again...

steve-in-kville

Can I ever relate to this.... many times I'd go a week or two and think I was "fixed" and could handle a drink or two only to go on a three-day bender. I learned it just wasn't worth it anymore.

I also found that replacing that "disconnect" feeling with a healthy hobby was also key for me.

zjw

I decided once to quit for 30 days to prove to myself that I did not have a problem. So then one night at dinner i decided to treat myself to a beer with dinner. That beer turned into 2 at the restuarant stopping for a 6 pack on the way home and another decade plus of daily binge drinking. ::shrug:: But boy oh boy quite a bit it hought i had this beat since i stopped for 30 days that one time...

Vandermast

I gotta say this sums it up really well.

Yesiree bob, maladjusted to life, but living in recovery teaches me to handle reality.

Thank the great spirit for that

V