MacLyn

Hello Everyone,

After being forced into AA (and a divorce) by getting a DUI back in 2009, I managed to maintain over 5 years of sobriety. I felt great. I met and married my current husband in AA. I was so happy.

One day while on vacation, we decided to experiment with alcohol. I binged of course, and have been doing it off and on ever since. I'm "functional" I suppose, but a mess. A fat, bloated, unhealthy, depressed mess.

The weight I've gained is actually the most horrifying and a huge part of my depression today (just saw a picture), but at the same time... I'm sort of grateful for it? I don't know if I would recognize the mess I've become without this very obvious physical manifestation. This happened to me the first time as well. Drinking made me fat, but I would drink to forget that I was fat.

Anyhow, here's to day 3. Thank you for hearing me out.

SnazzyDresser

I got fat when I was drinking too, I hear ya!

Hevyn

Great to have you with us, MacLyn. Congrats on your Day 3 - and your determination to reclaim your life. We know you can do it.

Obladi

MacLyn

I get it. It seems the moment I decide I'm done with drinking is the same moment I begin to focus on how much weight I've gained. I think (?) that's addiction trying to pull is under again. Would that I would focus tenaciously on one thing: Just Don't Drink.

I think if we do that, the rest will follow.

O

lessgravity

5 years is amazing. Obviously you have that experience to build on.

Is there anything you are going to do differently?

Any thoughts or advice?

Welcome back.

MacLyn

Thank you for the kind words everyone.

I had a loooong pity party today, and then I thought about what I'm dealing with here. First time I lost my house, broke up my family, went into major debt.

I have a lot going for me now. I gained weight... I hate it, but it's reversible. Perspective.

What will I do differently? This is a good question that I am going to think long and hard about. When sober me thinks they are longing for a drink, sober me needs to somehow remember what drunk me is like. Because there is no "one or two drink" me... Only drunk me. It's not something I should be longing for. Right now, I'm longing for the sober me. The happy me.

Somehow, I have to remember the mess I am now without feeling guilt over it. Remember it just enough to not return to it.

MacLyn

You are right. Drinking is the way we run from lifes problems instead of facing them. Except they come back the next day with a vengence.

No problem that can't be made worse by drinking! That's the insanity of it.

Good luck in your journey!

fini

hi MacLyn, congratulations on day three and the decision to go for it again.
do you feel done with the need to experiment?

AAPJ

Welcome to SR MacLyn. You have an advantage over many. You know the program and have experienced sobriety. I wish you success this time around.

Maybe you will turn out like my sponsor. In December gave him his second five year chip. He recently shared that after his first five years of sobriety he went out and got a bottle of Vodka. I don't think it will happen again but who knows? Addiction makes us do crazy stuff.

Dee74

Welcome to SR MacLyn

D

MacLyn

Right now, yes. Although, I have the same nagging feeling that weekends will be boring, campfires won't be as fun, etc. that most people have initially.

Even if false, it's there.

fini

weekends will be what you make them, MacLyn.

planning ahead is helpful for that.
and yeah, relying on memory of how bad it was is not enough to sustain most folks for any length of time, so ......that is where plans or programs come in. it sounds like AA led to some good results for you, but then? did you leave off?

MacLyn

I don't think I really worked the program. Yeah, I attended. I had to. I was ordered by the court. I also had to visit a therapist weekly for a year and call in daily for random drug testing. So I guess that made it easy for me. I stopped both AA and therapy after about a year and a few months. I did change a lot during that time.

My life got so much better, it was easy to continue. For 5 years, anyhow.

I honestly don't think I would have drank that day on vacation if my husband hadn't brought it up. I remember being surprised that he did.

I don't yet know what my plan is now. I'm still just so tired.

MacLyn

And yes... I do realize that early recovery with no plan is a real **** place to be.

I will think about it tomorrow. Today I won't drink.

Hevyn

Very glad to hear it, MacLyn.

doggonecarl

Did your husband continue drinking as well?

MacLyn

He did. We are both bad binge drinkers, although he says I am worse... Whatever that means. I think he says that because I can be a mean drunk.

Our weaknesses are different, though. I seem to have less trouble abstaining, as long as I am abstaining. Once I give in, I will overdo it, feel hungover the next day and look forward to 5:00 pm when I can pour that first glass of wine while cooking dinner. To feel better about the hangover, you see.

Plus, what's wrong with having a glass of wine while cooking? It's completely civilized! Except it never is one glass... Try two bottles.

Anyhow, my husband has a harder time abstaining. We both give up together, but he is usually the one to bring it up, and if I'm feeling weak... His "permission" enables me. He doesn't usually get as wasted as I. He does quite often, but maybe only "half" of the time, while I'm "most" of the time.

fini

it is interesting, the way you see it, as giving in, weakness, and not drinking as giving something up.
my own experience when feeling that way was that this was one of the reasons i could not stay quit.
there will always be someone to " bring it up", or an "occasion", or a horrid life circumstance, so relying on strength alone, or others not suggesting, or any other ternal condition happening or not happening...well, you can see it didn't work out well.

MacLyn

I guess I do see it as weakness. I don't know how else to see it. I don't have control over it. I'm weak.

That's the thing with me. I'm always trying to be perfect. I had some tragedies early in life, and I internalized them. That was praised by outsiders. Everyone told me how strong I was, how adult I was. How early I grew up. So, that's who I became.

I've always needed to have control over my life and surroundings. I don't try to control others, because they don't need to be perfect. Only I do.

So, this is a very tiring way to live. I get tired, and drinking makes it go away for a bit. But then it's worse because I have no control over my drinking. And I have no control over a lot of areas in my life when I am actively drinking.

fini

yes, it is tiring.

and it is impossible to have control of life and surroundings, though one can, within limits. it is also impossible to be perfect, though you may do some things perfectly.

in any case, you know all that, i am sure.

so...am i getting this right? AA and therapy helped you get years of no drinking and a much better life, and you abandoned both those things. Not drinking is giving something up, and ultimately you get worn down by the struggle to stay strong, when strength seems the only way to control what you say you don't have control of.
it is quite a dilemma, yes?

if you experience yourself as powerless vis-a-vis alcohol, then the 12step program that you haven't really done seems like it might provide a solution.
if you experience yourself as in need of/lacking a firm decision, then checking out AVRT on the secular forum farther down seems a good choice.
if you fel you were just lacking peer support and encouragement, any kind of meetings and forums might provide that.

i could go on. my point is that what you see as the real problem will tell you where to look for the solution.

how are you doing today and how is the "plan-making" looking?