CGfamily

Good morning,

New here and looking for some help/strength through experience and advice to break this vicious cycle. A little background, I’m active duty military and have been abusing alcohol since I’ve been in (10 years/28 years old).

I never really thought of it as abuse because I thought “it’s just what military people do”. Through the years it’s only gotten worse, and now it’s at its peak because I’m at a rank that allows me more down time and less boots on the ground time.

I’ve gotten it down to where I will only allow myself to drink on the weekends... I’m usually fine during the week, thinking about it here and there; but when Friday comes? It’s like a switch that flips and sends me into a tirade for the next 3 days...

I usually stay away from liquor as my girlfriend hates when I drink it, not because I get mean or anything, but because of what it does to me the next day... completely wipes me out. I also believe I match have some sort of allergic reaction to alcohol because once I reach a certain level of drunk I start breaking out in bad red rashes, my heart rate increases ten fold, and I start getting really hot and sweaty.

I usually consume around 2 bottles of wine on Friday, 12-15 beers on Saturday, and whatever “special drink” I can constitute for a Sunday “chill day”... I had my elderly neighbors over this past Sunday and made homemade mojitos, whichcrequired an entire bottle of rum (750ml) for the pitcher. The girlfriend had 2 cups, the elderly man had 1, and I had... well, the rest of it.

I’m just sick of that switch flipping every weekend and me turning into an alcohol fueled robot.... I’m sick of not having my saturdays or Sunday’s for my family and I, but borrowing the next days happiness and feeling like utter crap all weekend.. I’m just genuinely sick of the hold it has over me, and constantly thinking about it, bargaining “oh you can drink, you’ve had 3-5 days sober. Let it rip”

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR CGfamily. I think most of us reached a point in our drinking where we were sick of it - whether it was drinking every weekend, every day or every other day. You'll find a lot of support and understanding here, are you planning on quitting for good? If so you wont' regret it!

CGfamily

Hey there Scott, I would absolutely love to quit... I’ve come to the stark (and difficult) realization that I physically cannot day I know responsibly.. there’s two levels with alcohol to me, there’s sober, and there’s drunk, absolutely no inbetween. The worst part about it is I absolutely love drinking, and all of my coworkers and friends do it to excess so it’s dofficuly to escape without being a hermit...

I thourougyly enjoy hunting, but whenever I go to camp with the guys to hunt for a few days? Constant drinking... I’m not trying to make you excuses, just labeling it what it is..

So I’m done bargaining with myself, I just physically cannot be a responsible drinker... my father is like that, my uncles are like that, my grandfather was like that... it’s in my blood and I’m done with it, I’ll not let a liquid on the shelf of gas station control my life.

I’m on day 2 now and just feeling the usual after weekend bender feelings... intense anxiety, depression, incredibly foggy, hard to concentrate, insomnia...

ScottFromWI

I'm glad your here. I bargained with my addiction for years and unfortunately I did not finally make the decision to quit for good until I was in my 40s. I wish I would have done so when I was your age! The WD's are always bad, and I get the anxiety and brain fog. It will definitely clear out though, keep at it.

Anna

I think you will find, when you eliminate all alcohol (including the weekend), things will get easier for you. I'm glad you've made the decision to stop drinking completely.

Most likely, you will need to make some lifestyle changes regarding activities and friends, to help support your recovery.

And, you will always find lots of support here.

golfreggie

Hi CGfamily, question--are you attending AA or any recovery meetings of any kind? Sounds like you are relying on will power to get the desired result. I recommend finding an AA group on post or local economy. I had 10 years active duty, Viet Nam vet, and your drinking sounds identical to mine while I was in. Had to stay sober through the week, but when off I partied hardy to say the least. I left the military at age 29 but did not get sober until age 41. If you truly want to stop entirely, there are no half-measures. I encourage you to find an AA group, get a copy of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and see what happens to your soul and mind. Sooner or later we will want to be sober more than we want to drink. No one here will tell you that by just wanting to be sober will we lose the desire to get the feeling that alcohol produced in us, it is too strong for alcoholics. As a fellow soldier I would suggest highly seeking out meetings in person. Keep us posted, and God bless. Recovery is possible for sure.

CGfamily

That’s the usual round about Scott..... bargaining with myself and saying “oh no problem you made it 5 days! Time to drink a fish tank worth of alcohol”. Then the self loathing and regret go until about the 3rd or 4th day, then right back at it. The most vicious cycle I’ve ever experienced in my life..

CGfamily

You’re right.... like I keep repeating I’m just sick of the exact same cycle every....... single......... week... self loathing and regret until about the 3rd or 4th day, then Friday hits and it’s “see you’re not not an alcoholic you made it 5 days! Just have a little wine.... 2 bottles and 3 beers later I’m feeling awful on Saturday morning... then keep from drinking until the afternoon on Saturday to get rid of the hangover because “only alcoholics drink in the mornings”.....

It’s all ridiculous and repetitive. I realize I’m probably going to have to separate from certain friends and situations... but it has to be done

golfreggie

In your original post you said something about having a few days sober so "let 'er rip!" Time to start thinking of booze not as a "reward", but as a poison, a weapon of destruction, if you will. No one wants to poison themselves, (except drinking alcoholics of course!) One day at a time adds up to a sober life, which is by far better than dying drunk! Keep it up, one day at a time. Attended any AA meetings in the last day or so?

golfreggie

"The worst part about it is I absolutely love drinking, " quoted from an earlier post

Hi Again, I don't know if I got this partial quote thing down, but anyway, just to be clear, we ALL loved drinking! But the results are what we did not like. The obsession of us drunks is that someday, somehow, we will both control and enjoy our drinking. We could do either, but not both, right? If we enjoyed, we lost control. If we controlled, we did not enjoy. I tried some "controlled" drinking, and I was miserable. Always wanted more. And the booze always won out. Best wishes for sure

CGfamily

You couldn’t be more right..... I try to limit myself but it’s always way more misery than actually getting my full and worrying about it later... it’s funny you’ve mention the obsession of saying someday we’ll both control and enjoy our drinking... what a joke. It’s loke the horse drawn carriage with the carrot dangling in front.... it’s just simply not going to happen.

I’m trying to look for meeetings around my area, it’s just difficult with work, duty, the household, everything else (as you well know). But I am actively looking... also thinking about how many countless dollars, days, and friendships I’ve thrown down the drain as result of it.... sickening.

Day 2 almost to a close, here’s to a hopefull day 3

Dee74

Welcome to SR CGFamily

D

CGfamily

Thank you D, I appreciate it

Dropsie

Welcome.

You are lucky to have all that discipline to fall back on.

Its really a question of acceptance, accepting that you are a compulsive drinker and there is no off switch.

For me, once I accepted it, the solution was obvious.

You got this.

CGfamily

I think you’re exactly right about that..... just have to really put some discipline into it.. it’s just I once Friday comes? That’s the danger zone

NewBeginnings17

I can relate..I’m currently fighting a similar battle. I’ve been a binge drinker since I was able to drink in college (I’m 29). The longest I’ve been sober is for 3 weeks which was this past January with my attempt at Dry January, in which I was feeling great. But when I start to physically and mentally feel good again (normally by about Thursday of each week), is when I say “well I’m all better now, I can try to be smarter about it this time”. It just doesn’t work and the recovery time becomes longer and longer as I get older. I can’t just have a couple drinks. I’ve tried it before and maybe was successful a few times trying to casually drink, but I eventually slip up again and end up back to where I started.

Too many times waking up feeling anxiety filled guilt on top of a hangover, wasting my entire weekend recovering or drinking which then carries over to Sunday for some lunchtime drinks, which then the hangovers carry over to Monday at work. Or when I’m at a Sunday family gathering with anxiety so bad from a hangover that I have to leave the room. I’m right there with ya - I’m sick of living life around either drinking or recovering from drinking. Best of luck to you through this process, it only gets better from here.

CGfamily

That’s exactly what I’m going through every single week of my life.... the terential anxiety every single day after waking up from a binder, the constant cycle of bargaining and telling myself this week will be better... it never is

I guess one of my biggest fears is that getting sober will change my persona.. when I have the social lubricant? My social anxiety goes away, I’m very talkative, funny, mr personality... which in reality? I really don’t have any interest in interacting with most people, and I’m actually very docile.

Have you experienced this? How many days have you been so far? I’m on day 3 now, and like usual it’s beginning to lift in time for the weekend tirade.

golfreggie

"the constant cycle of bargaining and telling myself this week will be better"

I was told when I was new to quit telling myself anything, start listening, and start doing. This is a program of action, not thinking. Remember, our best thinking got us here, ya' know? Just sayin'

Hevyn

CGfamily - it's so good to meet you. Thank you for serving.

I once drank in a similar way. It helped me feel less anxious & relaxed me so I could put my worries aside. Seemed like a wonderful stress reliever. So even though I knew I didn't drink like others, I kept going with it. Tried to use willpower to slow down my intake. My tolerance grew huge over the years. I could drink unbelievable amounts & barely show it. It took more & more to achieve the same result. I also began drinking all week, not just weekends - needing a 'hair of the dog' to feel right the next morning. This all led to total dependence, & my life fell apart. Thankfully, this won't happen to you - you've seen the warning signs and are taking action. Stay with us - it helps to talk things over with those who understand what you're going through.

Congrats on your 3 days sober.

LadyBug66

CG, welcome. I'm on day 80 and I can tell you my biggest regret was the wasted time. If we had a big party I had a great time but I don't remember it and I was hungover for about 2 days. My friends are changing. My drinking friends have stopped asking me to go out for drinks with them. This will be one of the hardest things you can do for yourself and it will be life changing all for the better. Your trigger is Friday, mine was 4:30 pm because that is when my craving for wine hit cause I knew I was off work in 30 minutes and then I could get my drunk on. So much wasted time and nothing to show for it.