FindingMyNext

My raging, secretive, shameful, drink-to-blackout days are ten months gone, and I'm never going back. I read on SR every night and thank the people on this site for keeping me grounded.

In countless ways, I'm better off: I'm not a liar every day of my life. I sleep. I am eating better. My exercise is fun. I remember conversations that I have after six p.m. I'm not living under a cloud of guilt and anxiety, and my depression has shifted.
Which brings me to my question.

Notice I say my depression has "shifted," not "lifted."

When drinking, my depression was simple. I just wanted to die... not in a suicide way, but deep down in my dark, drunk place, I'd wish for a miracle to make me fall asleep and never wake up. I saw no point in myself as a person, and thought my family and kids would be better off without me.
Now, that's all gone... thank god.

But I still live in a perpetual state of blah. I get up, do good stuff at work, feed my kids, help them with homework, take care of housework and stuff... and all is good.
But deep down, I'm still searching for some spark, some passion for life.
For you long-termers, is this something that you've found again? Some sort of genuine happiness?
Or is this blah-ness just normal? A middle age thing? Expected, with all the burdens that it brings--young kids, a high stress job, a life of bills and routines?

Maybe it won't come. I don't know. I'd love to hear any experiences you've had, even if you just tell me to hang on.
Most nights, I'm exhausted and count the minutes before I can go to bed and sleep. (Which I am, thank god again, able to do now...)
Can't help but wondering if there is more to look forward to.

**NOT discounting the fabulousness of being sober. My drunk days seem like they happened a lifetime ago, to another person, but the memory of the awfulness is so sharp it still cuts a little. To be clear, this is meant to be a gratitude post-- with just a teensy weensy little, "So....."

Ghostlight1

Wow, what a great post. and congratulations on your sober time.

I'm a little past middle age, but have been sober for nine years after being a lying, conniving knee walking nose puking drunk for twenty five years.
As to your question, I've found you have to make things happen. An interesting, fulfilling life isn't going to just fall into your lap.
You have to make it happen. I've moved to three different states, sober, to check them out. Now I'm back to where I belong. The big bad city. I can blend in and be anonymous, which I love, or I can dress to stand out. I love it. I love the vibe and pulse of the city. The different people. Almost all of it except the abject poverty of the addicted and mentally ill.

I plan on volunteering to help these people now that I'm settled in. I can't wait.
I'll wash dishes in a food kitchen if I have to. I just want to be of service because so much has been given to me. Sobriety being number one, and I was one of those unfortunate people.

Find a passion and pursue it. I know you're different than me, with kids and all your responsibilities at home, but take up a hobby if you want.
There's a whole big ole world of things to do sober, and I plan on diving in to be of service to others since I have been so blessed..

Best to you and write a book if you really want something challenging. For yourself if no one else.

least

The one thing I do, to which I owe my solid sobriety, is to practice gratitude each day.

Make a list of what you're grateful for. It helped me, maybe it will help you too.

Congrats on ten months sober!

Andante

Even at 5 years sober, I still struggle with this issue and have yet to recapture the ability to feel joy and passion like I once did -- and believe me, it's not for lack of trying to "make things happen."

For me, and perhaps others, the explanation may lie in biochemistry -- the dopamine receptors we bombed into submission with alcohol never quite bounced back to their pre-alcoholic state.

The common sentiment that passion can be obtained only as the result of "making things happen" has been the source of much angst and low self-esteem for me, because the implication is that if I haven't succeeded in generating such feelings, I must not be trying hard enough. For some of us, however, the culprit may not be so much a deficiency of effort as a deficiency of the necessary emotional apparatus.

I don't know if this applies to you, but I thought I'd mention it in case your struggle to feel passion or fulfillment has affected your self-esteem as it has mine.

May your dopamine receptors bounce back soon!

fini

for me, it really comes from being of use.
this sounds trite, but has been true for me and especially important after i retired from work and my children are long grown.
you have full days with your obligations already, and are clearly " of use" in different spheres, so i won't suggest you volunteer, though that is exactly what has helped me.
and yes, of course: hang on!
yes, there is more to look forward to.
have you considered carving out some daily time for yourself to explore something along spiritual, meditative, contemplative lines, if just for a few daily minutes?

Gottalife

I worked the steps of AA and my whole outlook changed. They promised the most satisfactory years of my existence lay ahead, and they were not exagerating. Being of service to others is a big part and something I get a great deal of pleasure from.

It is or was not my natural way to be a giver, not a taker, but the spiritual experience that came from the steps changed all that. I have happy moments and sad moments, but deep down I am very satisfied with my life. I couldn't ask for more.

The essence is that I gave up self reliance in favour of God reliance, a self directed life in favour of a God directed life.

NYCDoglvr

I've been where you are, I think it's human to wonder if there isn't something more. It comes down to finding a purpose in life. For me it was giving back to AA, helping those newly sober and being of service. I've read that people are happiest when they're being of service and believe it's true. In 26 years of sobriety I've had a wonderful career and traveled all over the globe.. But it's doing service that touches me the deepest and gives me a purpose.

trailmix

Have you talked to your Doctor about the possibility that it might be depression?

zjw

try some stuff see what works see what you like etc.. I was also kinda just struggling and plugging along really trying to find something to get passionate about. I eventually did and its my muse and wish i could get my entire life to revolve around it it almost does.

I find when i do things that i'm happy doing it just adds so much value to my existence and well being. I'm a totally different person.

But if you put me in something i'm not so thrilled with my energy levels plummet my mood dips i feel crappy etc.. maybe thats depression ? i dunno but i see it as brought on by the BS thats causing it so i quickly try to eliminate it if possible.

Lifes too short to waste your time on crap that makes you feel crappy.

zjw

oh and good job on the 10 months and it almost sounds like what your dealing with is kinda normal so rest assured its gonna get better.

ljc267

Wow, that was a great and honest post. I certainly understand where you are coming from.

I still feel similarly to you at times. and I'm 17 months sober. For me, it comes on for a day or two then disappears. I look at it this way. 12 months ago I felt that way nearly every day. Now it is only occasionally. I feel that is progress. I figure I drank everyday for 20 years, so it would make sense that it would take longer then a year to feel "normal" again.

Keep it up!

Snowydelrico

Well done on 10 months.
My blah lasted 11 months.
I’m just 2 days over a year now and I seem to have a perpetual excitement in me.

I found trusting myself to go forward with confidence helped me.
And clearing up a few relationship problems.

I’m sure you will level out too.

FindingMyNext

To all--
Thank you for your helpful replies. I feel reassured. I will give it a bit more time.

I think part of the problem is my work is VERY service oriented. I'm the principal of a large school, so my work does have meaning, and I do find it to be satisfactory and fulfilling. BUT it's hugely stressful and I wouldn't call it "joyful." In fact, it often feels like I"m getting kicked in the face all day. So I don't know that I can find the energy to find something that brings me joy.

Thanks for the reassurance and ideas. I'll keep on keepin' on. As I stated earlier, it's mountains better than I was ten months ago, so that's something pretty celebratory in itself.

DayTrader

I don't know that we're the same.....but that is basically a blow-by-blow exact description of what started with me around 8 or 9 months in. I'd been going to meetings, kinda worked the steps but even I knew at the time I'd been cutting corners anywhere I thought it was ok. I was a helllllllllllllll of a lot better than I was 10 months earlier but I was NOT at a place deep down inside where I was content.

Sure, it seemed like depression. I saw 2 different doctors and a psychologist and all 3 agreed I should be on some form of medication so I went that route. It seemed like a reasonable thing to do. In my case, it took away the depression but ........ all I can say is that I continued to believe that what I was doing was treating the symptoms (rather successfully, actually) but I wasn't curing the root cause. I felt like I was patching a leaky ceiling in the house of my life but I wasn't doing anything about the hole up in the roof where the water was coming from in the first place.

I did some serious soul-searching lemme tell ya. Talked to my sponsor, my therapist and anyone I could find who had experienced the same type of thing. Turns out there are a lot of ppl in AA who'd been right where I was so I talked to them. I figured I'd make one for-real, solid, actual, and honest push through the 12-Steps and if/when that didn't work.......oh well.......I'd just go back to the meds.

Far beyond not drinking, waaaaay past "not picking up," I finally began to feel - to experience - the type of freedom I'd been hearing folks talk about who had finally gotten serious about the way they were living and were finally willing to start taking the actions in the 12-steps that up till that point they'd been unwilling to really try.

What I can say to you Finding is that it's possible you're having the same experience I had and that we had/are having the same experience that a LOT of people who've come before us have had - that not-getting-drunk is super nice.......but that it's not always enough. Thank God there IS more. In my case and in the cases of all the people I talked to.......that "more to recovery" came at the cost of us having to do a lot more surrendering, a lot more letting go, getting open to doing things we weren't so sure would work but doing them because we believed it was possible those actions might work for us like they worked for others. And besides, we already knew what NOT doing that stuff was producing - a life that just didn't seem whole or complete.

Dee74

Its a touighh job but I give thanks for all the people who do what you do FMN - Thank you

D

Berrybean

A principle? Well, that really is a tough job. Just teaching is enough stress for me.

Have you read the article on PAWs? That really helped me... https://digital-dharma.net/post-acut...r-immediately/

BB

MindfulMan

Also at 10 months. Life just continues to get better, and with ever-increasing purpose. Concentrating on sobriety isn't as much of a full-time job...it's becoming a means, not an end.

Getting out of a job rut helped tremendously. Throwing myself into remaking my body.

Also I have been treating bipolar depression with both medication and therapy. What you're describing sounds like it could be a depression symptom known as anhedonia.

We addicts are used to living on the edge in a very negative way. I'm trying to learn to do so in a positive way.

What gave you joy in your youth that you didn't explore because you were too busy drinking?

FindingMyNext

Mindful-- Yes, on SR, not too long ago, I'd stumbled across the term "anhedonia" and wondered if that might be what I'm dealing with.
I am not interested in meds, so I'll have to do some mindful work (pun intended) to try to combat it.

Thanks