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I was doing so good...

Old 03-05-2018, 04:04 AM
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Samantha
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I was doing so good...

I relapsed Saturday night.
Completely blacked out.
I was doing so well.
The new city I moved to has so many stores that sell liquor. Not used to it.
I feel awful, lonely, and so, so anxious. I start counselling tomorrow.
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Old 03-05-2018, 04:17 AM
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Sorry to hear that Anarock, but good news about the counselling.

Reading one of your ealier posts about an eating disorder, I thought that your idea to pursue that first might be a good one.

I know alcoholics are great at red herrings, and we really like to blame anything other than alcohol, but there are also those with other conditions for whom alcohol appears to be no more than a form of medication.

I always think it is important to know what the main problem is. With me it's alcoholism. If I smoke dope, I end up drinking. If I drink I cant stop. It always comes back to alcohol and alcoholism. It brings withit other issues especially in early recovery. For example depression is the number one symptom of untreated alcoholism. When I found a way to stay sober and treat the underlying alcoholism, the other problems disappeared.

Perhaps if you can treat your eating disorder, the drink problem will disappear.

In AA we have that saying about first things first. For us it is the alcoholism, for you it may be the eating disorder. It will take all the honesty you can muster to figure out which should come first. Perhaps the counsellor can help you with that.
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Old 03-05-2018, 06:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Anarock View Post
...I was doing so well.
Really? Your recent posts tell a different story:
  • Just getting sick of this...I wanna go out dancing and have a few drinks like normal people my age.
  • Had a tough night...
  • I barely made it through today.
  • Iím really been struggling lately
  • ... all I could think about was how much I wanted to go to the pub next door and have a drink. I
  • Yes, I have had drinks. No, I have not got blackout drunk like I normally would.

Seems your struggles led right to the relapse. And from what I can read, you didn't make a lot of adjustments to your recovery plan to head it off.

If doing well is drinking and not blacking out, then you haven't completely removed drinking as an option. Don't you think your addiction realizes that?

Hope your counseling session moves you forward in a positive direction.
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Old 03-05-2018, 06:39 AM
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Glad to hear you are making plans to get some additional help Anarock. Every city is filled with alcohol unfortunately, so we need to face that no matter where we live. Listen to what the counselor has to say - some of it may not be what you want to hear, but it will be very helpful advice I'm certain.
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Old 03-05-2018, 07:15 AM
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I tackled them both.

I think the alcohol is more dangerous.

I would work on that one first. It increases anxiety and depression and racing thoughts which make binge cycles seem like a good idea. Every aspect of my life was hedonistic and out of control when I was drinking.

All of this is anxiety related, and the poor nutrition doesn't help but the alcohol is much more dangerous in my experience. It facilitated all kinds of unhealthy thoughts and behaviors that virtually disappeared with continuous abstinence and good nutrition.
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Old 03-05-2018, 07:28 AM
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Samantha
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Thanks everyone...I can't wait to get to counselling. I feel like I've been waiting forever to get in.
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Old 03-05-2018, 08:40 AM
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Anarock,

I say this as gently as possible because I've had quits where I was exactly where you are: still wanting to drink. And those are the hardest quits of all. Most of your posts show you mightily fighting your alcoholism. You have put in the effort. But you still romanticize it. There's still those rose colored glasses.

I hope you get to the point where you truly are done and want to quit drinking enough so that when you have some sober time, you feel positive instead of deprived.

Keep on trying.
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Old 03-05-2018, 09:22 AM
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Samantha
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Originally Posted by Stayingsassy View Post
Anarock,

I say this as gently as possible because I've had quits where I was exactly where you are: still wanting to drink. And those are the hardest quits of all. Most of your posts show you mightily fighting your alcoholism. You have put in the effort. But you still romanticize it. There's still those rose colored glasses.

I hope you get to the point where you truly are done and want to quit drinking enough so that when you have some sober time, you feel positive instead of deprived.

Keep on trying.
Thank you....that is exactly where I am and I am really, truly, hoping that counsellor helps me overcome that.
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Old 03-05-2018, 09:42 PM
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Someone once told me that all it takes to win the day is a desire to be sober more than your desire to be drunk.

He never said in the absence of a desire to be drunk...just that the sober you has to carry the day.

There's an old Cherokee story that you might of heard of that reminds me of your struggle.


I've had the same struggle and this hangs above my door so I can see it every day..

" An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life...

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

"One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

"This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf will win?"

The old chief simply replied,
"The one you feed."
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Old 03-06-2018, 03:12 AM
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Love the wolf story, nice to hear it today.

How is Soberwolf? Anybody know here he is hanging around these days?

Miss him.
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Old 03-06-2018, 04:06 AM
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Originally Posted by BullDog777 View Post
Someone once told me that all it takes to win the day is a desire to be sober more than your desire to be drunk.

He never said in the absence of a desire to be drunk...just that the sober you has to carry the day.
Loved the story Bulldog, but who ever told you that desire will win the day never experienced alcoholism in the same way I did. The most powerful and desperate desire was not enough. It is emphasised in several places in the big book,.

If it was I guess AA's tradition would be The only requirement for sobriety is a desire to stop drinking. But there is a lot more involved than that.
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Old 03-06-2018, 05:43 AM
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I didn't really have a solid DESIRE to stop until I was about 9months in.... I was working AA though, doing the steps, even though I wanted to drink. It was promised if I kept going, that desire would come alive, and it did. Had I waited until I "wanted" to get sober, I probably never would have gotten sober. I have known a LOOOOT of people who want to get sober.......but then don't do anything about it......and they end up drinking. Those two experiences, mine and "theirs" has been a great lesson for me - to learn and see that what I/we want IS NOT the most important thing in the universe because action taken tends to be more important.
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Old 03-06-2018, 10:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Gottalife View Post
Loved the story Bulldog, but who ever told you that desire will win the day never experienced alcoholism in the same way I did. The most powerful and desperate desire was not enough. It is emphasised in several places in the big book,.

If it was I guess AA's tradition would be The only requirement for sobriety is a desire to stop drinking. But there is a lot more involved than that.
agree to disagree. i just don't buy into a lot of what the big book writes. An then people take it so literally and to a fault that some people wind up getting twisted over their own interpretations of the wording....people get offended, egos come into play....it's a huge reason I've only been to one AA meeting in 2 years.

In my 20's i had done hundreds.



AA works for some, but definitely not all.
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Old 03-07-2018, 02:16 AM
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Good morning Gottalife and Bulldog. Nice to see some constructive comments on recovery here. For me I also recognize some of the flaws with AA but I keep working the program because it works for me.

The real miracle of AA is that a bunch of drunks got together and created a program that got so much right.

Now back to the original topic... Anarock. OK you fell off the wagon again. Get back on the bike and ride again. You only lose if you give up! I wish you (and everyone else on this thread) a great sober day today.
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