Between humility and humiliation
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Between humility and humiliation
Guys, I realize this probably could’ve been factored into a blog post (and maybe still will) so forgive the wordiness. You’ve been warned 
Feedback is welcome (which is why it’s here) and appreciated.
‘Pride comes before a fall’ is a proverb that I’ve always embraced—albeit passively. I’ve kept it in my back pocket, as a convenient tag line to cue up no differently than a favorite song in a jukebox (remember those?) for not my own self-dialogue but to admonish others.
When I left rehab several months ago I didn’t really honestly think that I had acquired any new knowledge; much of what was discussed in CBT group was coping strategies that my therapist gave me years before that I never purposed to implement at the time because I was a ‘functional alcoholic’. I walked out thinking I had simply obtained 30 days of abstinence and a high degree of resolve and that I’d just re-enter the workforce in a seamless fashion. I was broken, but not beyond repair. As much humility and composure as I’d displayed during treatment deep down inside I was just…simply…arrogant. I had the advanced degree, the life experience, the ‘plug and play’ disposition that was really just bluff and bravado. Alas, I purposed to check back into the mainstream and show society in general that my life hadn’t skipped a beat— that I was composed, clear-headed and contrite, as I thought I should’ve been.
Fast forward to my first series of recovery meetings. Once again I try to assume the persona of ’that guy’, the one who has it all together, who tries to ascend above the others in the rooms even though his sobriety is minimal. Maybe I just want to be competitive. Maybe something else. My turn to share. I make sure my voice projects well and at a lower register than normal. And…
It hits.
The mental freeze, the ‘wow-oh-god-i-can’t-remember-that-word’ lapse that you’d think would only surface if you were in a casual conversation with someone who is familiar and forgiving. My share is disjointed, aimless and omits several key points that I was wanting to make. I’m frustrated and embarrassed. I know I should realize that sharing in meetings is meant to be a sincere, honest and extemporaneous affair but when so many of the ‘other guys’ are spewing out stream-of-consciousness company lines (or so it seemed) I knew I had to be ready and able.
Thus was my first apparent visitation with the phenomenon known as post acute withdrawal syndrome. Yes, granted it’s been a subject where there’s been a little bit of contention around but to yours truly it’s a thing. A very *real* thing. I know I’ve reveled in my recent management of the alcoholic voice lately. To be perfectly transparent, for me the AV hasn’t been the killer nemesis. It’s been the icy cold, unforgiving, unrelenting and concrete entity that has wrought havoc on not just my communicative efforts but cognitive and industrial as well.
With self-aggrandizing fervor I went back into the workforce about 2 weeks after finishing rehab. I was confident almost to a fault that I’d get back in the proverbial saddle with a vengeance and show all of my detractors (I think paranoia is a symptom also
?) I had indeed arrived. Over the ensuing three months I witness myself engaging in miscues, miscommunications, missteps and a complete lack of focus. I entertained the possibility of talking with my doc about ADHD meds. I don’t recognize the syndrome for what it is and press forward. Now the situation has become dire on that front and I’m scrambling for some sense of continuity knowing full well that my efforts in a career field that requires heavy-duty dealing with abstractions at its core would be almost futile. I’d thought about trying to level with *someone* about PAWS but I’m fundamentally opposed to excuse-making and as a result I’ve just ‘owned’ my failures (which I REFUSE to let define me). At a basest level I find my sense of self-worth rooted in my occupation and success therein. I’ve just assumed the position of my own judge, jury and advocate in a court of sanity. I see me as being in a process of redefining the self; knowing full well that I’ve *changed*-not just my habits but persona. I know that this ‘struggle is real’; I just am at a bit of a loss as to how to best solve this problem—which is maddening given that’s kinda what I do for a living 
So there is the humility that I should strive after and the humiliation that results from my insincere attempts to obtain it. My locus of identity is a moving target right now. I can ‘blame’ PAWS for my trials or I can just push forward and know that I’m not the failed marriage, the mulligans on the work front or my struggle for elocution. Yes, things are still fluid. They will be for some time.
And time really is the constant that I know I can work with.
Aloha.
Feedback is welcome (which is why it’s here) and appreciated.‘Pride comes before a fall’ is a proverb that I’ve always embraced—albeit passively. I’ve kept it in my back pocket, as a convenient tag line to cue up no differently than a favorite song in a jukebox (remember those?) for not my own self-dialogue but to admonish others.
When I left rehab several months ago I didn’t really honestly think that I had acquired any new knowledge; much of what was discussed in CBT group was coping strategies that my therapist gave me years before that I never purposed to implement at the time because I was a ‘functional alcoholic’. I walked out thinking I had simply obtained 30 days of abstinence and a high degree of resolve and that I’d just re-enter the workforce in a seamless fashion. I was broken, but not beyond repair. As much humility and composure as I’d displayed during treatment deep down inside I was just…simply…arrogant. I had the advanced degree, the life experience, the ‘plug and play’ disposition that was really just bluff and bravado. Alas, I purposed to check back into the mainstream and show society in general that my life hadn’t skipped a beat— that I was composed, clear-headed and contrite, as I thought I should’ve been.
Fast forward to my first series of recovery meetings. Once again I try to assume the persona of ’that guy’, the one who has it all together, who tries to ascend above the others in the rooms even though his sobriety is minimal. Maybe I just want to be competitive. Maybe something else. My turn to share. I make sure my voice projects well and at a lower register than normal. And…
It hits.
The mental freeze, the ‘wow-oh-god-i-can’t-remember-that-word’ lapse that you’d think would only surface if you were in a casual conversation with someone who is familiar and forgiving. My share is disjointed, aimless and omits several key points that I was wanting to make. I’m frustrated and embarrassed. I know I should realize that sharing in meetings is meant to be a sincere, honest and extemporaneous affair but when so many of the ‘other guys’ are spewing out stream-of-consciousness company lines (or so it seemed) I knew I had to be ready and able.
Thus was my first apparent visitation with the phenomenon known as post acute withdrawal syndrome. Yes, granted it’s been a subject where there’s been a little bit of contention around but to yours truly it’s a thing. A very *real* thing. I know I’ve reveled in my recent management of the alcoholic voice lately. To be perfectly transparent, for me the AV hasn’t been the killer nemesis. It’s been the icy cold, unforgiving, unrelenting and concrete entity that has wrought havoc on not just my communicative efforts but cognitive and industrial as well.
With self-aggrandizing fervor I went back into the workforce about 2 weeks after finishing rehab. I was confident almost to a fault that I’d get back in the proverbial saddle with a vengeance and show all of my detractors (I think paranoia is a symptom also
?) I had indeed arrived. Over the ensuing three months I witness myself engaging in miscues, miscommunications, missteps and a complete lack of focus. I entertained the possibility of talking with my doc about ADHD meds. I don’t recognize the syndrome for what it is and press forward. Now the situation has become dire on that front and I’m scrambling for some sense of continuity knowing full well that my efforts in a career field that requires heavy-duty dealing with abstractions at its core would be almost futile. I’d thought about trying to level with *someone* about PAWS but I’m fundamentally opposed to excuse-making and as a result I’ve just ‘owned’ my failures (which I REFUSE to let define me). At a basest level I find my sense of self-worth rooted in my occupation and success therein. I’ve just assumed the position of my own judge, jury and advocate in a court of sanity. I see me as being in a process of redefining the self; knowing full well that I’ve *changed*-not just my habits but persona. I know that this ‘struggle is real’; I just am at a bit of a loss as to how to best solve this problem—which is maddening given that’s kinda what I do for a living So there is the humility that I should strive after and the humiliation that results from my insincere attempts to obtain it. My locus of identity is a moving target right now. I can ‘blame’ PAWS for my trials or I can just push forward and know that I’m not the failed marriage, the mulligans on the work front or my struggle for elocution. Yes, things are still fluid. They will be for some time.
And time really is the constant that I know I can work with.
Aloha.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by TheToddman 
I know that this ‘struggle is real’; I just am at a bit of a loss as to how to best solve this problem—which is maddening given that’s kinda what I do for a living
Putting the whole PAWS debate aside, why not approach it the same way? Accept that you are likely more prone to memory/cognitive "episodes" due to your history as an alcoholic, and find ways to live with it? And don't view it as some kind of failure when you have an episode or a bad day....accept it and also know that in general they will become farther apart and less frequent over time.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
Some problems in life simply are not "solveable" in a black and white/yes or no type fashion.
Good points Scott.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by TheToddman
Agreed. And it frustrates the living crap out of me.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Very well written post, Toddman
In the first year of my recovery, I experienced a wide range of cognitive and memory issues. I couldn't follow the plot of a book (very distressing, as I am a voracious reader), same for TV shows (a lot of rewinding went on), I had to continually double, triple and quadruple check what I did at work. I lost words all the time.
I could go on but that is a small sample of how things were in my first year. I had seen the term PAWS but didn't read anything about it, thinking it didn't apply to me, believing I wasn't going through a protracted withdrawal period.
Well after the fact, I started to read about it and, much to my surprise, I found that I was ticking all the boxes!
I went into sobriety with the attitude that I would have no expectations for myself for the first year, so as to give my brain, my body and my spirit the time to just recover from the decades long onslaught of drinking. But, ironically, while I went through that first year, I didn't understand that all of what I was experiencing, was my brain, body and spirit recovering!
It all resolved, my memory came back and my cognitive issues resolved. My depression, that has been with me for years, is now being effectively treated.
In retrospect, I believe that paws is real, it does exist and that I experienced it.
In the first year of my recovery, I experienced a wide range of cognitive and memory issues. I couldn't follow the plot of a book (very distressing, as I am a voracious reader), same for TV shows (a lot of rewinding went on
), I had to continually double, triple and quadruple check what I did at work. I lost words all the time. I could go on but that is a small sample of how things were in my first year. I had seen the term PAWS but didn't read anything about it, thinking it didn't apply to me, believing I wasn't going through a protracted withdrawal period.
Well after the fact, I started to read about it and, much to my surprise, I found that I was ticking all the boxes!
I went into sobriety with the attitude that I would have no expectations for myself for the first year, so as to give my brain, my body and my spirit the time to just recover from the decades long onslaught of drinking. But, ironically, while I went through that first year, I didn't understand that all of what I was experiencing, was my brain, body and spirit recovering!
It all resolved, my memory came back and my cognitive issues resolved. My depression, that has been with me for years, is now being effectively treated.
In retrospect, I believe that paws is real, it does exist and that I experienced it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
It's a very bizarre thing, the cognitive and memory lapses. Yesterday at the gym I was way, way off adding up reps and while I was on an exercise high and tried to explain away my dumbness that way these two guys looked at me like I had two heads. It's little things like that throughout the day, they are alarming and frustrating and it's hard to believe its temporary, but as a four months sober person this is just classic stuff and I have to breathe and deal with and try not to freak out about.
You allude to the change in personality and identity as well and I never thought by quitting drinking I would sometimes feel as though I don't know who the hell I am, I mean all I did was stop alcohol, why do I feel like a different person?
My husband has been a constant for me and a grounding person, for some reason if I touch him even just on the arm for a moment I feel like I can remember who I am again at least for a little while. I have compassion for people who don't have a relationship to help comfort and steady them...I can see why relapse is high and I can also understand why there are so many alcoholic suicides. I'm not at risk for that it's just that it is tough enough that I can realize viscerally why that happens. Especially when you know there is no returning to drinking, that it's not an option.
Sorry. Now I'm rambling in your thread, fellow fitness buddy!
You allude to the change in personality and identity as well and I never thought by quitting drinking I would sometimes feel as though I don't know who the hell I am, I mean all I did was stop alcohol, why do I feel like a different person?
My husband has been a constant for me and a grounding person, for some reason if I touch him even just on the arm for a moment I feel like I can remember who I am again at least for a little while. I have compassion for people who don't have a relationship to help comfort and steady them...I can see why relapse is high and I can also understand why there are so many alcoholic suicides. I'm not at risk for that it's just that it is tough enough that I can realize viscerally why that happens. Especially when you know there is no returning to drinking, that it's not an option.
Sorry. Now I'm rambling in your thread, fellow fitness buddy!
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Originally Posted by 2ndhandrose
I went into sobriety with the attitude that I would have no expectations for myself for the first year, so as to give my brain, my body and my spirit the time to just recover from the decades long onslaught of drinking. But, ironically, while I went through that first year, I didn't understand that all of what I was experiencing, was my brain, body and spirit recovering!
That's encouraging news though. Oh for some neuroplasticity
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Unemployed, uneducated bum when I got sober. Too dumb to argue or challenge, having either lost or never really had the abilty to think or analyse, gullible in the extreme, I just laid aside what little I thought I knew about all this stuff and did what my AA friends suggested - lucky for me they suggested getting a sponsor and working the steps. I believed they were telling me the truth, and most of them were, and the directions in the Big Book actually worked.
I recovered from alcoholism and a big part of that was that I was able to rejoin the mainstream of life as a fully participating member. The big Book puts it like this - "Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and our fellows". That was the path back into community.
When sharing in meetings I learned a long time ago that I always get tangled up if I am wanting to share some self serving rubbish, not that I was aware sometimes that that is what it was.
These days whe I am in a meeting and am asked to share, I seem to forget about my problems. Instead I say a little prayer asking God to help me say something or share some experience that will help someone else. It usually works out ok
I recovered from alcoholism and a big part of that was that I was able to rejoin the mainstream of life as a fully participating member. The big Book puts it like this - "Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and our fellows". That was the path back into community.
When sharing in meetings I learned a long time ago that I always get tangled up if I am wanting to share some self serving rubbish, not that I was aware sometimes that that is what it was.
These days whe I am in a meeting and am asked to share, I seem to forget about my problems. Instead I say a little prayer asking God to help me say something or share some experience that will help someone else. It usually works out ok
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
I think for a living and PAWS was big issue for me for many months after I quit.
I did things like keep an hourly appointment book, take notes before or after meetings with people either formally or informally of key points I didn't want to forget, re-sending emails or even writing emails to myself on focus points I needed to keep handy for later use, and just structuring tasks more carefully and winging things less.
A key helpful change was when talking with people, I made a point to listen carefully without interrupting and ask for "restatements" by using phrases like, "If I'm understanding your point correctly" and "did I restate this correctly" etc. so I didn't assume or mistake things. This had the pleasing side effect of making me more congenial to my workmates and "customers" as supportive listening (what linguists call it) is a positive team-building attribute in most contexts.
Hubris may have its place, but you are quite right, humility serves us better in recovery.
Wishing you the best. PAWS should improve and even resolve fully with time and continued sobriety--
I did things like keep an hourly appointment book, take notes before or after meetings with people either formally or informally of key points I didn't want to forget, re-sending emails or even writing emails to myself on focus points I needed to keep handy for later use, and just structuring tasks more carefully and winging things less.
A key helpful change was when talking with people, I made a point to listen carefully without interrupting and ask for "restatements" by using phrases like, "If I'm understanding your point correctly" and "did I restate this correctly" etc. so I didn't assume or mistake things. This had the pleasing side effect of making me more congenial to my workmates and "customers" as supportive listening (what linguists call it) is a positive team-building attribute in most contexts.
Hubris may have its place, but you are quite right, humility serves us better in recovery.
Wishing you the best. PAWS should improve and even resolve fully with time and continued sobriety--
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
A key helpful change was when talking with people, I made a point to listen carefully without interrupting and ask for "restatements" by using phrases like, "If I'm understanding your point correctly" and "did I restate this correctly" etc. so I didn't assume or mistake things. This had the pleasing side effect of making me more congenial to my workmates and "customers" as supportive listening (what linguists call it) is a positive team-building attribute in most contexts.
My issue has *always* (even before my drinking in earnest) been disengaging halfway through another person's sentence to formulate a response. Yes, I definitely need to supportively listen and intentionally restate in some form or fashion and TAKE NOTES. All I neglected to do in my current gig and what I purpose to do in my next one (starting this coming week). The hourly planner and writing myself emails are also fantastic ideas. I have a tendency to plan, but not in a regimented fashion to speak of.
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Hubris may have its place, but you are quite right, humility serves us better in recovery.
Well said...wish I could thank this multiple times
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
I'm glad it was helpful--please let us know how it goes and keep posting.
The nice thing about the planner is that you look "busy" like you are planning, not taking notes
By the way, I also really dialed down on nutrition, whole organic foods, sleep, and exercise.
Hot yoga very helpful for detox, and really improved neck / back pain release typically caused by stress.
I think the total package will get you to full recovery quicker
The nice thing about the planner is that you look "busy" like you are planning, not taking notes
By the way, I also really dialed down on nutrition, whole organic foods, sleep, and exercise.
Hot yoga very helpful for detox, and really improved neck / back pain release typically caused by stress.
I think the total package will get you to full recovery quicker
Reality...what a concept!
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: CT, USA
Posts: 1,232
YES Thank You for this post Todd and all of you offering advice! Today I gratefully celebrate 9 months solidly without a drink, but I am experiencing those bizarre memory and cognitive lapses you all describe. The other night I was sitting across the table from a man who has been a friend for over ten years and it took me at least 10 minutes to recall his last name - that was absolutely terrifying. At the time of course I did not even consider PAWS or any other logical explanation...my mind went straight to BRAIN TUMOR? EARLY ONSET DEMENTIA? ALS???
Unfortunately all of the above can be traced back in my family's medical history, so you can imagine what these last few days have been like!
This was not the only time I "drew a blank", but seeing as this person was a long time friend it was definitely the scariest!
I will keep up with this and all of your progress. Let me know if anything else you try helps (have 10% Happier - need to focus long enough to read it!!)
Unfortunately all of the above can be traced back in my family's medical history, so you can imagine what these last few days have been like!
This was not the only time I "drew a blank", but seeing as this person was a long time friend it was definitely the scariest!
I will keep up with this and all of your progress. Let me know if anything else you try helps (have 10% Happier - need to focus long enough to read it!!)
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